chillii Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Who knows why?? Maybe we are both "damaged" individuals that fit together like puzzle pieces... Other than being a bit of a complainer and a horrible cook, I really didn't see anything obvious as to why she had such trouble with men. I just ignore her when she complains and I do all of the cooking (which I really like to do). Haaa, yeah , sometimes two wrongs make a right , love it. Just takes the right two wrongs. Sounds like me and my woman. Edited February 27, 2020 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 1 minute ago, chillii said: Sounds like me and my woman. I'm glad you found happiness and I wish you longevity in your relationship, as well. Who knows... maybe down the road, you'll change your forum name to "Happy Chillii" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 23 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: ......... So none of you can tell me that the 48 hour rule is not valid. As a guy... it is absolutely not valid. AND... you may ask why... so here it is. The one girl I kind of like... she doesn't know if she wants a relationship because of an abusive marriage. SO... if I contact her too often... I'm just going to scare her away and/or annoy her. The first time I saw her was in November. We have gone out maybe 4 more times, and it was fun each time. One girl is totally opposite. She contacts me all the time. (multiple times a day) It's cute snapchats, or txt's. most of the time it's nothing. Showing her feet at lunch... or a smile as she leaves work. But I like it because it's uplifting to me. But she is 20 years younger than me... and I don't want things to progress there. Lastly... there is my own head. I'm out of a 20 year relationship... and I'm having a hard time even wanting to give a girl any physical contact right now. up until a week ago... I was having a hard time even trying to give a hug to the girl I was with. And that's because I was faithful to my exW always. So... because of that... there are a couple girls (friends of friends) that I've only reached out to one or two times. BUT... I will continue to like and comment on their FB posts so they know I'm still in the background... but not contact them directly. One of these girls is a lawyer, and really has her crap together. I probably should reach out again... but I just haven't. I guess with OLD it could be a little different... but I would give them at least until the following weekend... AND... you should reach out at least once. At least that way... if the guy was on the fence about if you enjoyed yourself... you reaching out is a clear indication that you had a nice time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: You got a better idea?? Throw it out there. No. Asking the your FWB or anyone you've dated (past tense) what may be wrong with you is too much for most of us to swallow. Asking a FWB could mean some major disappointment and you may lose face, dignity, and a FWB or two. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 Thank you B-S. And OP, 'me too'. I'm a guy and I'm telling you that the 48 hour rule is not valid. For you to believe so is a negative attitude. And negativity may be part of your difficulty attracting the kind of guy you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 Hmmm. Not exactly sure why there is a 48-hour rule, but if I hadn't heard from a date in two days, I would be doubting too. Really no excuse for that if the other person likes you and isn't preoccupied with someone else trying to hookup. Eh, just me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 It’s probably your location as well, and the fact that there simply aren’t enough men out there. Jon Birger wrote a book on it: Here’s a few random quotes I pulled: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/3bj5yv/youre-single-because-there-arent-enough-men-253 Quote So, where are all the men? I mean they exist, they're just not going to college. This isn't China or India where they have a man-made gender imbalance because of all sorts of horrendous things. [Men are] out there, they're just not going to college. Last year about 35 percent more women than men graduated from college. Quote Quote Is there any silver lining to this for women? There has been some reaction from women who found [the book] life-affirming, because they realize it's not them. They had been blaming themselves for their lack of success [in the dating world], and this was kind of assuring in some way. It's hugely reassuring, I think. But there are others who find it massively depressing. Quote How do you comfort your single friends—"Oh, you'll find someone"—when statistically, many of them won't unless they lower their standards? See, I hate the "lower your standards thing," because I'm always thinking about my friend [who married a janitor] and I don't view [their marriage] as "lowering your standards." I view this as making a different kind of choice. And as an older married guy, I also have something else to add: All marriage involves compromise. You'll learn this. Sometimes the fun part of marriage is working through the compromise and figuring out your comfort zones. So the "lowering your standards" thing ekes me a little bit—if lowering your standards means marrying an a**h***, I'm with you. But if it means [marrying someone who] makes $60,000 instead of $600,000 I'm resisting that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 What makes you happy mortensorchid? I think you need to spend some time doing things that make you feel good, alive, inspired, etc. My guess is that the negativity and gloominess that show up in your posts are also part of your real life presentation. Unless you have some kind of hideous physical malformation, I don't think your physical appearance is the issue. Men (people in general) like to be around others who make them feel good. A gloomy nature most certainly doesn't do that. I can identify what I think is the problem, but unfortunately I don't know how to advise you to fix it. It's easy for me to tell you how I stay happy and positive, but you aren't me - so you're going to have to figure out what works for you. Lots of suggestions have been offered in several of your posts, but the first step is figuring out what makes YOU feel good. I will suggest that you stop LOOKING for men, but be open to the possibility if someone comes along (and not sweat it at the times they aren't). I know it's trite, but it's absolutely true - you have to be happy with your self before you can be happy in a relationship (or even find one). Constantly focusing on finding someone has to be not only exhausting but demoralizing as well. And it really is a vibe that can be felt by others and can turn them away. Your posts always really interest me, even though they kind of break my heart sometimes. I like your ability to express yourself and admire your willingness to be vulnerable to us, a bunch of strangers, even when some responses can be pretty tough. In the time I've been reading your posts I've seen a positive improvement in interaction, where you acknowledge the thoughts and ideas of those who respond to your posts. I think you have a lot to offer - it's just being hidden behind dark clouds so that no one is really seeing it right now. I absolutely believe your guy is out there. But you're not going to be ready for him and he's not going to be able to really see you until you start liking yourself and stop being so unkind with your self-talk. Just a side note - I frequently find typos and misspellings on my posts and don't catch them until later. I know the proper grammar and/or spelling/punctuation, but when you're pouring your feelings out it's the content that matters. Not the style. 🙂 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 2 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: No. At least I had an idea that might work, you've added nothing to help the OP. She came here for advice and help, you've offered none, other than to put down a viable suggestion. A suggestion that might actually help her make some changes to assist in obtaining her goal of a long term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) MO I don’t think giving up too easily is your problem. Contrary, I think that in the past you’ve wasted too much energy on men who aren’t a match After reading posts you make and the general vibe you give off, I have to wonder if you’re in touch with your playful/sexy side. It’s important. After all, it is a major thing that separates romantic relationships from just friendship. In a thread you made in the past, you mentioned it’s difficult for you to flirt and you try to give off a neutral, detached vibe. I would work more on this. It doesn’t mean “trashy”, as you describe the women the guys you like tend to go for. There are tasteful ways to do it. Research and practice. Despite your sexy avatar, you also said you like to model Daniel Craig in Bond because he is dark, cold, and standoffish? This is not the vibe that generally attracts men to women. If you want to do dark, do dark and seductive like Eva Green in Bond. Just make sure it fits you. Maybe your vibe is off. That’s what your dating coach meant by ‘feminine energy’, I think. You are closing yourself off Edited February 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted February 28, 2020 Author Share Posted February 28, 2020 I have had a black cloud over me for the last 6 years. It's been there since a rejection I faced and it was very embarrassing. I hate myself even though I should not, I should be proud of myself and who I am. But when people hurt you repeatedly through life, you become what I am. Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 31 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: MO I don’t think giving up too easily is your problem. Contrary, I think that in the past you’ve wasted too much energy on men who aren’t a match After reading posts you make and the general vibe you give off, I have to wonder if you’re in touch with your playful/sexy side. It’s important. After all, it is a major thing that separates romantic relationships from just friendship. In a thread you made in the past, you mentioned it’s difficult for you to flirt and you try to give off a neutral, detached vibe. I would work more on this. It doesn’t mean “trashy”, as you describe the women the guys you like tend to go for. There are tasteful ways to do it. Research and practice. Despite your sexy avatar, you also said you like to model Daniel Craig in Bond because he is dark, cold, and standoffish? This is not the vibe that generally attracts men to women. If you want to do dark, do dark and seductive like Eva Green in Bond. Just make sure it fits you. Maybe your vibe is off. That’s what your dating coach meant by ‘feminine energy’, I think. You are closing yourself off That was some sound advice and I love the 007 references. Feminie energy is not a good thing in my opinion. I am probably the polar opposite of someone with "feminie energy" but I do think displaying a confident vibe would serve you well 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted February 28, 2020 Author Share Posted February 28, 2020 I am bitter and cold and sociopathic. End of story. And you all think that just putting on makeup and girly clothes is the answer to this? I'm a serious person, I take what I do very seriously and never do anything halfway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 1 minute ago, mortensorchid said: I take what I do very seriously and never do anything halfway. Then put that serious devoted attention to pulling yourself out of this mud hole you're wallowing in. In whatever way works for you. What do you want to happen, do you want things to change or do you want to be "bitter"? It really is your choice. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 6 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: I am bitter and cold and sociopathic. Do you think the men you are meeting are picking up on this?? Or are you able to put on a facade during the date?? Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 MO, do you have a general idea why you are bitter and cold? In other words, where do these feelings come from. Self loathing is the underlying feeling that "we" are just not good, not good enough or not good at this or that. It is NOT PRODUCTIVE or HEALTHY to harbor those types of feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted February 28, 2020 Author Share Posted February 28, 2020 Feelings of rejection and exclusion as a kid, sensitivity. I look at myself in the mirror and say "what man wouldn't want to be with you?" And the answer, apparently, is "a lot". Someday, somehow everyone says. Well, I think the ship sailed for me a long time ago and it's not coming back. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 The sooner you understand that people(especially strangers on the street) don't hold the key to your happiness, the better you will be and the sooner that black cloud will start to lift...You are trying to get guys you meet to validate who you are as a person...The sad fact is if they are nice they'll just leave you alone, and others will blow some smoke, take what they want out of you(sexually or otherwise) and leave you in worse shape than you are now... Take control of the things you have control over...If you don't exercise, get into that...Do something that doesn't require others...Don't join a dance group or some other crap that has a "team" dynamic or requires participation from others ....You aren't ready for that, imo and it will have the potential to make things worse... Instead just do it for you...alone....Go to a gym and throw some weights around or do some cardio alone...set some realistic goals for yourself...Spend time working with animals,,., Its amazing how animals don't judge you and are always happy to see you...Its quite uplifting for you and them...Go for hikes alone in the woods or trails,...become one with nature..I can go on, but you get the point...get into a personal zone where you are in control and have no reliance on others... You are putting the cart before the horse...I know it sounds counter intuitive, because we all want people to embrace us and lift us up when we are down...And for the most part, that's what families do...Parents, close relatives, etc,...They have an interest in our well being without(hopefully) judgement or an agenda...But when I say you are putting the cart before the horse, its just that you are relying too heavily on others to validate you or provide you with happiness, when they are unable or don't feel good about it, because they see the same cloud over you that you see...Its too emotionally hard or draining for them, so they avoid it, or even are mean about it...That's human nature...You cant control them you can only control you... At the risk of running afoul of moderation, id also even suggest that its not such a great idea to constantly come to a site like this when you are in a prolonged tough state...I know that sounds crazy because that's how people wind up here, but if you are constantly surrounding yourself with sad stories, you start to relate to and normalize it, and perhaps seek pity....Pity wont help you, it doesn't really help anyone... Be well and take care of yourself... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) Darn Casino Royale is one of my favorite Bond films, yes model yourself after Eva Green instead, sexy, mysterious and feminine, because in that film James Bond is a stone cold killer. But even if he was, when it comes to the ladies they don’t notice it because he’s charming and witty, ie. watch the airplane scene with Eva Green when they’re first introduced, or the married lady he met in the casino. See you could have a dark cloud over your head and be totally depressed and people won’t notice it. Look at male comedians, there’s tons of them. There’s Youtube videos on how to be charming, watch it. Edited February 28, 2020 by Interstellar 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 MO, you still have not answered my question. What caused you to get into this FUNK? Was there a catalyst or an event that caused your feelings? I disagree with FOOLOFTHEYEAR about MO not coming to the site for help. The people on this site seem to HELP a great many people with a variety of issues. However, I do agree about doing something like going to the gym and getting your body "going" some. Being complacent and stagnant will only lead to you feeling worse in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 2 hours ago, simpycurious said: I disagree with FOOLOFTHEYEAR about MO not coming to the site for help. The people on this site seem to HELP a great many people with a variety of issues. Here's a question... Would you recommend a drunk go to a bar to talk to people there about the hazards of alcohol abuse? The point being its sometimes better to avoid reading/hearing stories about how miserable people are when you repeatedly cant get out of your own way yourself... She's been on here with the same issues for as long as I can remember...She isnt finding the answer here...No disrespect, but the "help" is either going in one ear and out the other or its actually feeding the narrative...Yes...Sometimes there are insights that some people(the rare one's that actually figured it out and got out of their own situation-yet stay on to offer help most just disappear only to return after they have another problem.) provide that do help...But at the same time, many people post sob stories so that others can share in their own misery.....Then it just becomes a pity party,....That doesn't help anyone... I'm not saying abandon entirely ...Perhaps just a break for a while so the temptation to wallow in the shyt isn't there... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 On 2/26/2020 at 10:19 PM, mortensorchid said: Well, I'm 45 and I think I have exhausted every which way. I am thinking I am just not one of those people. I try, get no where. I give up, and it's cold and lonely. Can anyone tell me if and when it finally happened for them and a message not to loose hope? Life is complicated, to be sure, but it seems overly complicated in my case. Why? Because I am serious? Because I am a tomboy? It can't be that hard. None of that is a negative to me, all positive actually. 45? Well maybe a bit on the young side. Serious is good. About half the men my age (early 50s) and more who are a bit younger, are thinking LTR, the others just want casual. Tomboy, can mean many things to many people but for me it is a positive. I like a woman who can do, fix stuff, not afraid or even likes to get her hands dirty, can rough it, etc. Correction, love that. I actually tended to pass on women whose profiles were they were always dressed up. T-shirt jeans fine by me, more than fine. Also I'm not looking for some size 8 or less. Size 10, 12, 1 ...all can be good. I do get picky about compatible world views. I'l will admit that based on what I see on-line and in the media I am odd. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 18 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I am bitter and cold and sociopathic. End of story. And you all think that just putting on makeup and girly clothes is the answer to this? I'm a serious person, I take what I do very seriously and never do anything halfway. I don't think putting on girly clothes and make-up is the answer. Far from it, even if your were not bitter, cold and sociopathic. I'm not alone in being good with and even preferring a no make-up look...as is her showing up in jeans and a flannel shirt. One reason I come to places like this to say there are men who don't require the women they date to be these things, and in fact looking for a much more down to earth woman. That is, you don't need to change into the beauty industries image to get a man or acquire "traditional" damsel traits. Of course the question is, are guys like me the ones you are interested in. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, SumGuy said: ....... Tomboy, can mean many things to many people but for me it is a positive. I like a woman who can do, fix stuff, not afraid or even likes to get her hands dirty, can rough it, etc. Correction, love that. ......... I'm right there with that. With all the girls in my life, whom I've loved... my favorite by far was the girl who liked going camping with me... like me racing motorcycles... liked playing in the mud, and looked sexy as hell in flannel PJ's with a few buttons undone. Since I'm not married anymore... I can say that this was the girl before my wife. A funny story to this... we were at a mini-truck rally in the early 90's. (in SoCal) We were starting to crush on each other... but when she decided to get in on the tug-of-war... and at the end... she was covered in mud... I was quick to ask her if she needed help washing up. That was officially when we started dating. (lasted 5 years) That's what a tom boy is... and they are fun. Oh... and I don't even mind a bigger girl. I like curves... and as long as it's not to a point that it interferes with doing things... that's just fine with me. (I'm 6' and not particularly fat myself, but my 8yo is always poking my belly) Edited February 28, 2020 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) 22 hours ago, simpycurious said: That was some sound advice and I love the 007 references. Feminie energy is not a good thing in my opinion. I am probably the polar opposite of someone with "feminie energy" but I do think displaying a confident vibe would serve you well Thanks, Simpy. Those were MO’s references in another thread, not mine. But yes 😊 Edited February 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
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