Regretting ever meeting him

[Wearyone]

So I just had a relationship which really only lasted four months in total, mutually broke up because even though he ended it I wanted him to at the time. We were actually only together officially for two weeks. And that was only because I thought if I confessed my love for him and made it official he would start treating me the way I deserve. (Unsurprisingly this didn't work.)

At first I didn't even want a relationship and wasn't all that attracted to this guy. But he pursued me and we texted and talked almost every day, and before I knew it I began to feel strongly for him.

 At first he was charming, attentive and caring. His sense of humour clicked so well with mine. I felt he really got me. But I started noticing things after we actually started dating. He was never fully present with me in the moment, always on his phone with his best friend, texting through our dates. He rarely had time for me and when he did, he didn't put much thought or effort into our dates. I let him convince me that this was due to his busy work-life. I didn't want to see the truth: that this was a trend and would ultimately doom our relationship. 

Then he started becoming unreliable. He would promise to help me with something on a certain day or see me on a certain day and then back out at the last minute. I began to realise his word wasn't good for much. He liked texting me 24/7 (which became very annoying, it literally was that often) but could never commit to actually spending quality time with me. 

He managed to convince me this was all down to "communication" issues between us for a little while. But the final straw was Valentine's day. I'd already noticed that he put his friends before me. Well he claimed he was too sick to be with me on Valentine's day, yet when I texted him to check on him he said he was at his best friends house and they were playing board games. 

I'm an artist and had actually drawn him a hand drawn Valentine's day card with watercolor. I got him a present. He got me nothing. I was waiting for something as simple as flowers and an apology. Nothing. Just a half assed "sorry" and some self pitying talk about how useless he was. 

I decided to give him one last chance, because for some godforsaken reason I was still in love with him after all this mistreatment. I waited almost a week and after five days, still no flowers. No apology. Nothing. So I started avoiding him. We ended up having a huge fight over text (always over text with this guy) and he broke up with me.

But I wanted him to. I was sick of him. Sick of his excuses and sick of being put last. 

So long story short, why do I still long for him? Why does it feel like my heart is shredded? Despite all these bad times, in the beginning he made me feel truly special and I had so much hope. I liked him so much that I wanted to be with him even though I was terrified to commit. Yet in the end, he chose other things over me. Over and over. How can I still love and miss someone who valued me so little? 

I don't want him back. I just want to stop loving him. It seems unfair I have to suffer months of pain for such a short relationship. 

Edited February 27, 2020 by Wearyone
Wrong grammar

[pc31]

We all have been there. Some call it addicted to pain. Some call it wanting the unattainable. Just understand that it's human nature and that you aren't the only one feeling this way. This too, shall pass. Just give it time. Hang in there.

[preraph]

Well, hopefully, you aren't in love with him, because he's not worth it.  Hopefully, you are simply in love with love and who you hoped he'd be but wasn't.  And that's likely the case.  If you can love him, you can love anyone -- next time, just bail as soon as someone isn't treating you right and find a better one.

[Wearyone]

I think you are right preraph. I think what I'm really mourning is what I thought the relationship was going to be and the person I thought he was. Some days are better then others. I'm learning to accept that he wasn't who he seemed at first. I think the reason I gave him a last chance was I was in denial about who he really was. I didn't want to think I'd given my heart to someone so unworthy. You are right. 

[kendahke]

4 minutes ago, Wearyone said:

I think what I'm really mourning is what I thought the relationship was going to be and the person I thought he was.

Never fall in love with potential--it may never pan out.

He showed you early on who the real him was--earlier than most people. 

Quote

At first I didn't even want a relationship and wasn't all that attracted to this guy. But he pursued me

Sounds like he enjoys the chase, but loses interest once they stop running and he's got them.

[2BGoodAgain]

it's better you moved on.

many people are good at the onset, but not really good long term. 

[preraph]

15 minutes ago, Wearyone said:

I think you are right preraph. I think what I'm really mourning is what I thought the relationship was going to be and the person I thought he was. Some days are better then others. I'm learning to accept that he wasn't who he seemed at first. I think the reason I gave him a last chance was I was in denial about who he really was. I didn't want to think I'd given my heart to someone so unworthy. You are right. 

I think it's human nature to give people the benefit of the doubt, because we have such high hopes and believe we deserve someone good.  We've all done something similar.   It's hope that we lose, but you'll get it back!

[Daisydooks]

9 hours ago, Wearyone said:

So long story short, why do I still long for him? Why does it feel like my heart is shredded? Despite all these bad times, in the beginning he made me feel truly special and I had so much hope. I liked him so much that I wanted to be with him even though I was terrified to commit. Yet in the end, he chose other things over me. Over and over. How can I still love and miss someone who valued me so little? 

I don't want him back. I just want to stop loving him. It seems unfair I have to suffer months of pain for such a short relationship. 

You still "long" for him because its been a week. When you said this all happened after Valentines Day, you realize it isn't even March yet, right? Giggle at yourself a bit here. Its been a hot minute since he dumped you so of course youre sad. You are probably more sad it didn't work out with someone, more than you are upset it didn't work out with him. He has zero redeeming qualities from the qualities you listed. Like, zero. Actually, zero. Thank your lucky stars and be kind to yourself. Next time, look for these signs early and end it before it gets to this where you feel sad over how poorly you have been treated. We teach people how to treat us. You taught him that being his last priority was more than ok, time and time again. Again, he had zero qualities most level headed, happy-to-be-alone-instead women would want, so don't sit and stew over him, but DO sit and stew over why this was ever acceptable.

[Wearyone]

Daisydooks I agree, I should have broken up with him after the first time he chose his friends over me. I actually did break up with him but he managed to win me back over. He was very good at manipulating me into believing I was just being unreasonable. I know the reason I allowed it. I grew up with two emotionally unavailable parents and dating emotionally unavailable or problematic men has been an issue for me. I'm actually a recovering serial monogamist. I guess this relationship was just me regressing back to old behavior. But I'm going back to therapy and it won't happen again. I was actually very happily single before this happened. I've learned my lesson: I need to stay away from relationships until I heal the part of me that draws dysfunctional men to me. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

11 hours ago, Wearyone said:

 

So long story short, why do I still long for him? Why does it feel like my heart is shredded? Despite all these bad times, in the beginning he made me feel truly special and I had so much hope. I liked him so much that I wanted to be with him even though I was terrified to commit. Yet in the end, he chose other things over me. Over and over. How can I still love and miss someone who valued me so little? 

I don't want him back. I just want to stop loving him. It seems unfair I have to suffer months of pain for such a short relationship. 

 

This is easy:

Because you have yet to separate HIM-him  from that which is

 

Your investment IN him .

 

The latter is a wonderful thing... showing your full capabilities and your reawakened soul...

 

The HIM-him...  is just another person who isn't good enough for you.

 

Treat yourself better...  

 

 

[MsJayne]

No, not in love with him, in love with the person he pretends to be when he meets women.  You've described a self-absorbed flake, that's the real him. 

[Wearyone]

I know it hasn't been long since we broke up but it makes me sick that I still miss him. 🤦 Even now. He was in my life every day for months, I guess that's the main reason why. I must be a sucker for punishment. 

Update: I blocked him on all my social media today. I'm just so angry. I just wish I could confront him over how he treated me. But I know it would achieve nothing, he's very manipulative and would somehow turn it around. 

Edited February 28, 2020 by Wearyone
Update

[mark clemson]

Blocking was a good idea I think. Mentally, you should put this guy in a vault encase it in cement, toss it into an ocean trench, and melt down the key. Consider him as on another planet. I believe that the more impossible contact is, the less he exists at all, the easier it will be on you.

[Wearyone]

I agree. I don't know what it is about him that makes me regress so badly. I can't wait until I'm over him and can just laugh at how s*** he was and move on. 

[Maldives]

16 hours ago, Wearyone said:

So I just had a relationship which really only lasted four months in total, mutually broke up because even though he ended it I wanted him to at the time. We were actually only together officially for two weeks. And that was only because I thought if I confessed my love for him and made it official he would start treating me the way I deserve. (Unsurprisingly this didn't work.)

At first I didn't even want a relationship and wasn't all that attracted to this guy. But he pursued me and we texted and talked almost every day, and before I knew it I began to feel strongly for him.

 At first he was charming, attentive and caring. His sense of humour clicked so well with mine. I felt he really got me. But I started noticing things after we actually started dating. He was never fully present with me in the moment, always on his phone with his best friend, texting through our dates. He rarely had time for me and when he did, he didn't put much thought or effort into our dates. I let him convince me that this was due to his busy work-life. I didn't want to see the truth: that this was a trend and would ultimately doom our relationship. 

Then he started becoming unreliable. He would promise to help me with something on a certain day or see me on a certain day and then back out at the last minute. I began to realise his word wasn't good for much. He liked texting me 24/7 (which became very annoying, it literally was that often) but could never commit to actually spending quality time with me. 

He managed to convince me this was all down to "communication" issues between us for a little while. But the final straw was Valentine's day. I'd already noticed that he put his friends before me. Well he claimed he was too sick to be with me on Valentine's day, yet when I texted him to check on him he said he was at his best friends house and they were playing board games. 

I'm an artist and had actually drawn him a hand drawn Valentine's day card with watercolor. I got him a present. He got me nothing. I was waiting for something as simple as flowers and an apology. Nothing. Just a half assed "sorry" and some self pitying talk about how useless he was. 

I decided to give him one last chance, because for some godforsaken reason I was still in love with him after all this mistreatment. I waited almost a week and after five days, still no flowers. No apology. Nothing. So I started avoiding him. We ended up having a huge fight over text (always over text with this guy) and he broke up with me.

But I wanted him to. I was sick of him. Sick of his excuses and sick of being put last. 

So long story short, why do I still long for him? Why does it feel like my heart is shredded? Despite all these bad times, in the beginning he made me feel truly special and I had so much hope. I liked him so much that I wanted to be with him even though I was terrified to commit. Yet in the end, he chose other things over me. Over and over. How can I still love and miss someone who valued me so little? 

I don't want him back. I just want to stop loving him. It seems unfair I have to suffer months of pain for such a short relationship. 

I'm asking myself the same question and we broke up 4 yrs ago ...the heart is a mystery 

[JTSW]

Hi Wearyone,

I can guarantee you that he is not loosing any sleep over this.

He is a waste of space and doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself.

He spent the special day for lovers and couples with his friend (shaking my head here).

He is so not worth any tears or heartbreak.

You dodged a bullet. Good riddance to him i say.

 

[Wearyone]

Thanks everyone who replied. Am still pretty sad today. It's funny how a worthless person can chip away at your self worth. I'm the one left feeling unworthy and depressed despite the fact I was the one who was willing to give my whole heart and was always trying to make him feel special. If I could erase him from my mind I would. 

[Wearyone]

So I was scrolling through tinder since I've reactivated my account to look for a casual situation to help get over him. And lo and behold, his freaking updated account comes up. That hurt. The only thing that made me feel a little better is how unflattering the photos are. 🤦 I hate living in a small town for this very reason. Everyone knows everyone else, I can't even avoid seeing the a**h*** online. 

I just can't believe this guy. How dare he treat me so badly, refuse to apologise and then start chasing other people so soon. I'm so pissed. 

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, Wearyone said:

I just can't believe this guy. How dare he treat me so badly, refuse to apologise and then start chasing other people so soon. I'm so pissed. 

I highly recommend some music therapy for you. Start with Missy Elliott's song "Work It" which is about having casual sex. Let him ruin his own reputation since you live in a small town. Eventually, there won't be a woman he hasn't hurt. 
Oh, and Tinder is a hookup app. So, you'll only find men interested in casual sex on there. Stick with meeting guys in person. Do not waste your money with online dating apps. Save your money for a nice vacation or something else. 

[kendahke]

On 2/27/2020 at 8:28 PM, Wearyone said:

I agree. I don't know what it is about him that makes me regress so badly. I can't wait until I'm over him and can just laugh at how s*** he was and move on. 

That day will come if you keep to the NC course of action.

[Wearyone]

Thanks watercolors but yes I'm aware that tinder is for casuals hookups. That's what I was looking for. I'm not going to be ready to trust anyone with anything more serious for a very long time. 

[Highndry]

On 2/27/2020 at 2:22 AM, Wearyone said:

He managed to convince me this was all down to "communication" issues between us for a little while. But the final straw was Valentine's day. I'd already noticed that he put his friends before me. Well he claimed he was too sick to be with me on Valentine's day, yet when I texted him to check on him he said he was at his best friends house and they were playing board games. 

I'm an artist and had actually drawn him a hand drawn Valentine's day card with watercolor. I got him a present. He got me nothing. I was waiting for something as simple as flowers and an apology. Nothing. Just a half assed "sorry" and some self pitying talk about how useless he was. 

This is sad. A lot of guys would really appreciate somebody like you, myself included. I love when a woman puts forth effort like that, but I have a sentimental streak even though I seem a little, I don't know, gruff sometimes.