For the love of. I can't move past this breakup

[mejustme]

Hello all! Bf and I broke up in November. We chatted off and on for two weeks, then went NC. NYE, was my downfall. I text him not so nice things (not sure what came over me as I’ve never done that before) but I missed him and I became angry bc I wanted us to be together for NY. We were together for only 15 months, but my gosh I just got this man. We had a connection like no other! Seriously, I didn’t even feel this way about my ex husband. 
 

he had trust issues, I had trust issues. Both of us were cheated on by our spouses and it caused a lot of damage. I was divorced 6 years and he 5 years, but still had those issues. Long story short, I told a little white lie about a man that inboxed me. He was nothing of significance. But I lied and told him it was one of my gf. He looked so he knew. I know I shouldn’t have lied, but I knew how he would react and thought it was nothing deserving of a reaction bc the guy was nobody. We stayed together for a year after that.
Anyhow, we broke up in November because of his trust issues and then got back together January 1. Spent the whole day and night together. Had a phenomenal time. Woke up in his arms and were intimate. We spent the whole month of January doing couples things. Nice romantic dinners, lunches with the kids, outings and so on. I thought we were progressing in a couple type of manner. I gave myself one month to bring up the elephant in the room ( whether or not we were a couple) not that I needed a title, but I was way too invested to be just friends. He never brought it up so on February 10th after a nice romantic dinner I brought it up. Completely blindsided I was told I wasn’t the one. I tired, I cried and poured my heart out to him shortly after that Night. But nothing from him. Nothing at all. I’ve been NC until last night and I sent him a text just telling him that I miss him and that I hope he and the kids are all well. No response. I need to figure out a way to move on emotionally and mentally bc this is killing me. If anyone has a advice I will gladly accept it. 

[stillafool]

Prayer has always helped me get over someone.  That and keeping so busy that I fall out at night when I hit the bed.  It takes time to get over someone so you have to ride it out best you can.  At least you know the truth, that you are not the one for him.  Every time you feel hurt think of those words he told you.  The truth will set you free.

[mejustme]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Prayer has always helped me get over someone.  That and keeping so busy that I fall out at night when I hit the bed.  It takes time to get over someone so you have to ride it out best you can.  At least you know the truth, that you are not the one for him.  Every time you feel hurt think of those words he told you.  The truth will set you free.

Thank you, yes I have been doing just that. Problem is, I know I am the one! It’s not denial on my part. I just know, based on his actions in the past and the connection that we both felt. This is a man that never showed emotion and he cried to me. So I don’t buy it. Or maybe that’s my biggest hurdle, maybe I do need to believe this even if it isn’t true. Gosh, I hate this. 

[stillafool]

Yes you do need to believe what he said.  Why would he risk losing the love of his life by telling her she isn't the one.  Anyone knows that telling someone this would probably cause a break up.  The problem with us women is we don't want to believe the words that fall on our ears.  It's hard to believe that someones feelings don't match ours especially when they are playing the part.

[scooby-philly]

6 hours ago, mejustme said:

Thank you, yes I have been doing just that. Problem is, I know I am the one! It’s not denial on my part. I just know, based on his actions in the past and the connection that we both felt. This is a man that never showed emotion and he cried to me. So I don’t buy it. Or maybe that’s my biggest hurdle, maybe I do need to believe this even if it isn’t true. Gosh, I hate this. 

OP,

I am so sorry to hear about the situation and the pain. I thought I was with the love of my life for close to two years after not dating till I was 28/29 and then having a few failed relationships before I met her 2.5 years ago. Last Friday was 6 months since she dumped me out of the blue, and via text and IM. So I have just gone through what you are experiencing. Now, she's younger than me and neither of us has kids, so the details are a bit different, but I get a great sense that our dynamics were somewhat the same - or similar enough to jump into your shoes.

As another poster said - you cannot make someone want you and our ears sometimes don't hear the full meaning behind words. At the end of the day, he's not ready to commit and not ready to commit to you. You have to accept that and move on. It sucks. It blows. It may ruin your self-esteem for weeks or even months. But the truth is, we all deserve the same level of love and commitment that we give out. And you have done at least enough work on yourself and addressing your trust issues, that you were ready for the long-term with him, and you were already trusting him. He, is not. You can beg, you can plead, you can get angry at him. None of those things will ultimately change his mind for the long-term. He may be nice and even caring and even spend time with you in the short-term, but for whatever reason, he would do or say the same thing to you in 2 months, 6 months, 12 months, 24 months...and then what - you'd be in the same position "having wasted more time". 

The road to recovery from this will not be easy, it will not be smooth, and it will, in the short-term, not be pretty or enjoyable. It's unrequited love and it may crush your spirit. I say that to be honest with you and to help you prepare yourself for the rocky road you're traveling for a while. But - talk to your inner child - the little girl in you that simply wants love, affection, and to be cared for. Don't let yourself settle for hope now when you can aim and get something better. People, especially men, prove what they want, what they truly desire, through actions, not words. And he has said and is acting like he doesn't want a real relationship with you. Now...that may be 100% his self-defense mechanisms kicking in so he doesn't get hurt. He may feel torn and conflicted about it on the inside. Who knows. Maybe if you go no contact (NC) (and the rules are available on the site here) after a few weeks he'll come running back to you. But the point of NC will be for you to start to heal and you to start to move on. If he does come running back - then you'll need to come up with a concreted, actionable plan that holds him accountable for specific tasks and what not - but again - that's not what you need to worry or focus on right now. Remember, you're not responsible for anyone else in this world (except maybe your kids till their 18 or 21). Even someone you love that much - he's an adult, he's been in relationships/marriage before and he should know his own mind and his own wants and needs. If he's too scared to take a risk at this point - then you deserve better. It's not your job to save him or help him. It's your job to have a happy, healthy, productive life and to then, find someone compatible for the long haul. 

And please, do not take my advice and suggestions as gospel. They're not. Nor take anyone else's as 100% truth. We're all fallible, emotional, and well intentioned adults trying to offer our perspectives. And please, also don't think some of us can't feel your pain if we seem to stomp on your dreams or your hopes. As I shared - I thought my ex was the "one". At first she was affectionate, she was playful, the sex was great, the energy was there, etc. But - there was an age gap and she had no prior dating experience before me and she came from a shame based family and still live with them and she had little to no self-esteem, had no hobbies or interests, and in the long run - I love the outdoors and love to travel and she isn't really into those things (at least not yet). So as I have emerged fully from the pain of the split and have begun to emerge from the depth of the darkness and sadness and loneliness that cam after the initial heartbreak, I can look back and say - yes, on one level I was the "one"....I had a similar upbringing, I was patient and understanding and affectionate enough for her...etc.....she wasn't the one for me...because she could not meet my real needs and wants, she wasn't done maturing, and she wasn't comfortable with herself. She's still waiting for someone to change her life, change her family, change her self-esteem - and the only person who can do that - is her - and she's not there yet. So...despite the heartbreak and the pain and the loneliness, I know now 3 important lessons I will carry for the rest of my life - I know I can love someone fully and unconditionally, I know I can be myself and be absolutely vulnerable to someone and that I can meet someone who loves me for me, and I know my self-worth now. 

It's also worth noting in my case that she told me - on the day were were supposed to be celebrating my birthday at the end of June last year - that she thought she didn't want a relationship - and I like a fool - or a fool in love - stayed around for 2 more months till she cut ties. Maybe I could have been less nice to her, maybe I got a little needy. Maybe she just felt like sleeping around at her age. And as a few of my good friends on here have pointed out to me in private messages - she doesn't feel like she can rebel at home - her parents threaten her and hold loans over her head and treat her like crap - so she rebelled against me. So - stuff I had to learn the hard way.

Keep talking OP!!! It will, maybe weeks or months later, get better. Keep processing things and keep on reflecting. Do not dwell on the whole "I was perfect for him" - that will let your mind spiral out of control and really crash and burn you. Daily journal - 5 lists - your great qualities, your accomplishments or what you're proud of, your goals in life, your dream qualities in a man, and why the relationship wouldn't work out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. SEveral times a day on the bad days. And also - do not run from the emotions...embrace them. Don't let yourself waste a whole week missing work and doing nothing, but don't run from the emotions either.

Edited February 27, 2020 by scooby-philly
Added a paragraph I forgot to type originally.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, mejustme said:

This is a man that never showed emotion and he cried to me.

People normally cry when they know they have to say something hurtful to a person they know is in love with them.  I've done it myself.  This is why some people ghost because telling someone the truth about their feelings or lack of feelings is very painful.  You care about that person and don't want to hurt them.  Caring doesn't always equal love.

[sk1977]

On 2/27/2020 at 3:37 PM, scooby-philly said:

OP,

I am so sorry to hear about the situation and the pain. I thought I was with the love of my life for close to two years after not dating till I was 28/29 and then having a few failed relationships before I met her 2.5 years ago. Last Friday was 6 months since she dumped me out of the blue, and via text and IM. So I have just gone through what you are experiencing. Now, she's younger than me and neither of us has kids, so the details are a bit different, but I get a great sense that our dynamics were somewhat the same - or similar enough to jump into your shoes.

As another poster said - you cannot make someone want you and our ears sometimes don't hear the full meaning behind words. At the end of the day, he's not ready to commit and not ready to commit to you. You have to accept that and move on. It sucks. It blows. It may ruin your self-esteem for weeks or even months. But the truth is, we all deserve the same level of love and commitment that we give out. And you have done at least enough work on yourself and addressing your trust issues, that you were ready for the long-term with him, and you were already trusting him. He, is not. You can beg, you can plead, you can get angry at him. None of those things will ultimately change his mind for the long-term. He may be nice and even caring and even spend time with you in the short-term, but for whatever reason, he would do or say the same thing to you in 2 months, 6 months, 12 months, 24 months...and then what - you'd be in the same position "having wasted more time". 

The road to recovery from this will not be easy, it will not be smooth, and it will, in the short-term, not be pretty or enjoyable. It's unrequited love and it may crush your spirit. I say that to be honest with you and to help you prepare yourself for the rocky road you're traveling for a while. But - talk to your inner child - the little girl in you that simply wants love, affection, and to be cared for. Don't let yourself settle for hope now when you can aim and get something better. People, especially men, prove what they want, what they truly desire, through actions, not words. And he has said and is acting like he doesn't want a real relationship with you. Now...that may be 100% his self-defense mechanisms kicking in so he doesn't get hurt. He may feel torn and conflicted about it on the inside. Who knows. Maybe if you go no contact (NC) (and the rules are available on the site here) after a few weeks he'll come running back to you. But the point of NC will be for you to start to heal and you to start to move on. If he does come running back - then you'll need to come up with a concreted, actionable plan that holds him accountable for specific tasks and what not - but again - that's not what you need to worry or focus on right now. Remember, you're not responsible for anyone else in this world (except maybe your kids till their 18 or 21). Even someone you love that much - he's an adult, he's been in relationships/marriage before and he should know his own mind and his own wants and needs. If he's too scared to take a risk at this point - then you deserve better. It's not your job to save him or help him. It's your job to have a happy, healthy, productive life and to then, find someone compatible for the long haul. 

And please, do not take my advice and suggestions as gospel. They're not. Nor take anyone else's as 100% truth. We're all fallible, emotional, and well intentioned adults trying to offer our perspectives. And please, also don't think some of us can't feel your pain if we seem to stomp on your dreams or your hopes. As I shared - I thought my ex was the "one". At first she was affectionate, she was playful, the sex was great, the energy was there, etc. But - there was an age gap and she had no prior dating experience before me and she came from a shame based family and still live with them and she had little to no self-esteem, had no hobbies or interests, and in the long run - I love the outdoors and love to travel and she isn't really into those things (at least not yet). So as I have emerged fully from the pain of the split and have begun to emerge from the depth of the darkness and sadness and loneliness that cam after the initial heartbreak, I can look back and say - yes, on one level I was the "one"....I had a similar upbringing, I was patient and understanding and affectionate enough for her...etc.....she wasn't the one for me...because she could not meet my real needs and wants, she wasn't done maturing, and she wasn't comfortable with herself. She's still waiting for someone to change her life, change her family, change her self-esteem - and the only person who can do that - is her - and she's not there yet. So...despite the heartbreak and the pain and the loneliness, I know now 3 important lessons I will carry for the rest of my life - I know I can love someone fully and unconditionally, I know I can be myself and be absolutely vulnerable to someone and that I can meet someone who loves me for me, and I know my self-worth now. 

It's also worth noting in my case that she told me - on the day were were supposed to be celebrating my birthday at the end of June last year - that she thought she didn't want a relationship - and I like a fool - or a fool in love - stayed around for 2 more months till she cut ties. Maybe I could have been less nice to her, maybe I got a little needy. Maybe she just felt like sleeping around at her age. And as a few of my good friends on here have pointed out to me in private messages - she doesn't feel like she can rebel at home - her parents threaten her and hold loans over her head and treat her like crap - so she rebelled against me. So - stuff I had to learn the hard way.

Keep talking OP!!! It will, maybe weeks or months later, get better. Keep processing things and keep on reflecting. Do not dwell on the whole "I was perfect for him" - that will let your mind spiral out of control and really crash and burn you. Daily journal - 5 lists - your great qualities, your accomplishments or what you're proud of, your goals in life, your dream qualities in a man, and why the relationship wouldn't work out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. SEveral times a day on the bad days. And also - do not run from the emotions...embrace them. Don't let yourself waste a whole week missing work and doing nothing, but don't run from the emotions either.

What a great post! This made me feel a bit better and a bit more hopeful as I am going through a painful breakup myself. Thank you!