She's Leaving Tomorrow

[oldschoolromantic]

I know many of you go back and read old posts to gain perspective, so here's the gist of it:

I fell for my platonic friend. We're also both married to other people. Because we see each other daily, our friendship grew slowly, but steadily. She's been somewhat of a constant in my life for the last 3 years. We never had a physical affair, but she did fulfill some needs that my wife doesn't, mainly friendship and conversation. I know that this will sound mean, but talking to my wife is like talking to a wall. She had a mental break down a few years back and hasn't been the same. It's not her fault, but at the same time, it's hard for me. 

A few months ago the OW told me her husband had gotten a job on the west coast and that they'd be moving. I was understandably upset, but did my best to enjoy the rest of our time together. Although she isn't moving until tomorrow, because of all the things she needs to take care of in order to move, we said our goodbyes a few weeks ago. I thought I was handling it well, but this week has been ROUGH! knowing that she leaves tomorrow and I will most likely never see her again feels terrible!! While my feelings for her may have surpassed the bounds of friendship, it was a friendship nonetheless. I had come to terms with the inevitable platonic nature of our friendship long ago, but cherished and found value in it nonetheless.

How do I move on? I looked forward to seeing her every day, and in the course of just a few months, that was taken from me. We still interact on social media and DM, and I don't think eliminating SM will help or make a difference. Seeing her posts doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the empty space in my life that she used to fill.

[preraph]

I think you'll get used to just doing social media. Sorry you're having a hard time in your marriage and that your wife is having problems. Any chance of any of that changing? 

[Silver_star]

I think you shouldn't use people to fill the empty spaces in your life. It's not her that you miss, it's the way she made you feel. That can be replaced with something you do that is not creating more walls of separation between you and your wife..or perhaps if you cannot work out your problems with your wife  you should seperate from your wife and pursue someone else that is also available to be with you in the ways you seek. Your wife deserves someone who can be honest with her too and support her struggles.

You should fill yourself up...find ways to interact and engage with the people around you, make new friends, do new things with your wife that might spark some more emotional intimacy. 

When you need others to "fill voids" it's because you are choosing the easy way out. You need to do the self work required to be happy without another person.

 

[d0nnivain]

You are going to miss your friend.  You will get used to it.  Make other friends but try not to have just one member of the opposite sex as your outlet.  It is a slippery slope.  

Meanwhile do try to improve communication with your wife.  It will make things easier in the long run 

[schlumpy]

When friends move on it's not the same as losing someone you love.

It's the very real feeling of being left behind, stuck in the past, and just a memory.

[oldschoolromantic]

1 hour ago, Silver_star said:

I think you shouldn't use people to fill the empty spaces in your life. It's not her that you miss, it's the way she made you feel. That can be replaced with something you do that is not creating more walls of separation between you and your wife..or perhaps if you cannot work out your problems with your wife  you should seperate from your wife and pursue someone else that is also available to be with you in the ways you seek. Your wife deserves someone who can be honest with her too and support her struggles.

You should fill yourself up...find ways to interact and engage with the people around you, make new friends, do new things with your wife that might spark some more emotional intimacy. 

When you need others to "fill voids" it's because you are choosing the easy way out. You need to do the self work required to be happy without another person.

 

You are right. I shouldn't be using people to fill voids. I don't think I knew I was doing that until it was too late. But as far as missing her goes, I think how we feel about others is directly related to how they make us feel. They either make us feel good, bad or nothing at all. I would readily divorce my wife, but her mental illness makes that a bit more difficult, and we have children. I worry about the toll it would take on both them and my wife. Honestly, I feel trapped.

[oldschoolromantic]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You are going to miss your friend.  You will get used to it.  Make other friends but try not to have just one member of the opposite sex as your outlet.  It is a slippery slope.  

Meanwhile do try to improve communication with your wife.  It will make things easier in the long run 

I already promised myself that I'd never let this happen again. Somehow I got so wrapped up in her that I literally made her the focus of my day. When she was here, it was a good day. When she wasn't, it was a bad day. Kind of ridiculous, really!

[oldschoolromantic]

36 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

When friends move on it's not the same as losing someone you love.

It's the very real feeling of being left behind, stuck in the past, and just a memory.

Is this an original thought or is it a quote? In either case, it's spot on!

[Marc878]

Try putting the effort into your marriage that you were putting into this other relationship. It might amaze you at the results you’ll get.

[Silver_star]

Divorce is not easy. It's not supposed to be, because you are supposed to work on your marriage in difficult times. Something that people don't like to do these days. However ,it is an option since you don't seem to want to work on things with her through therapy... 

I am sure there are some factors about her mental illness that make it more difficult to ask for divorce, maybe it is finances, maybe it is her mental state becoming worse, but those are not insurmountable challenges, you could put a plan in place to help her face those challenges...but the alternative is you being a "trapped" cheating coward your entire life playing the victim. What road do you want to take? Who do you want to be? I think you would help her and yourself more by talking it out and reaching an agreement. 

People create excuses when they are comfortable doing what they are doing. "I'd readily divorce my wife (your statement suggests you are emotionally done here), but my children, but her mental illness make it too difficult (suggests you see yourself as a hero staying around to fill their needs and suggests they are powerless without you around in your current capacity). Maybe you just like to get outside attention from other women and justify your actions that you are not getting what you need at home. 

Your failed marriage is not your children's fault, blended families are common place now, and there are many supports out there for kids were you to get a divorce.  If you want to pretend for the rest of your days in front of your children that you are in love with their mother for "their" benefit, go ahead, but again that comes down to who do you want to be when you look in the mirror.

26 minutes ago, oldschoolromantic said:

You are right. I shouldn't be using people to fill voids. I don't think I knew I was doing that until it was too late. But as far as missing her goes, I think how we feel about others is directly related to how they make us feel. They either make us feel good, bad or nothing at all. I would readily divorce my wife, but her mental illness makes that a bit more difficult, and we have children. I worry about the toll it would take on both them and my wife. Honestly, I feel trapped.

 

[oldschoolromantic]

41 minutes ago, Silver_star said:

Divorce is not easy. It's not supposed to be, because you are supposed to work on your marriage in difficult times. Something that people don't like to do these days. However ,it is an option since you don't seem to want to work on things with her through therapy... 

I am sure there are some factors about her mental illness that make it more difficult to ask for divorce, maybe it is finances, maybe it is her mental state becoming worse, but those are not insurmountable challenges, you could put a plan in place to help her face those challenges...but the alternative is you being a "trapped" cheating coward your entire life playing the victim. What road do you want to take? Who do you want to be? I think you would help her and yourself more by talking it out and reaching an agreement. 

People create excuses when they are comfortable doing what they are doing. "I'd readily divorce my wife (your statement suggests you are emotionally done here), but my children, but her mental illness make it too difficult (suggests you see yourself as a hero staying around to fill their needs and suggests they are powerless without you around in your current capacity). Maybe you just like to get outside attention from other women and justify your actions that you are not getting what you need at home. 

Your failed marriage is not your children's fault, blended families are common place now, and there are many supports out there for kids were you to get a divorce.  If you want to pretend for the rest of your days in front of your children that you are in love with their mother for "their" benefit, go ahead, but again that comes down to who do you want to be when you look in the mirror.

 

Do you name call when you respond to women’s posts? I think calling me a “trapped” cheating coward...playing the victim” is a bit much. Are you married? Have children? Ever walk in on your spouse after she’s cut her wrist wide open because her first attempt to hang herself with your belt failed? Divorce isn’t something I’m going to take lightly. A coward? No. I just haven’t figured things out yet.

[Silver_star]

I just dont feel sorry for you. Sorry if my choice of words offended you, but I'll call a spade a spade. 

[Silver_star]

Your wife could use some serious help and I don't think you are helping by checking out of the marriage without telling her. Sounds like you could try to put her first. Maybe focus on her health as priority #1 as she is the mother of your kids instead of your own needs. Just a suggestion...as this is a forum for suggestions/advice.

 

[oldschoolromantic]

2 minutes ago, Silver_star said:

Your wife could use some serious help and I don't think you are helping by checking out of the marriage without telling her. Sounds like you could try to put her first. Maybe focus on her health as priority #1 as she is the mother of your kids instead of your own needs. Just a suggestion...as this is a forum for suggestions/advice.

 

I didn’t write this post so people would feel sorry for me. And as far as her mental health goes, I’ve always been there for her. I’m the one who makes sure she takes her meds, I’m the one who’s gotten her the help she needs, visited her in the hospital, taken care of the kids while she’s gone, etc. So please don’t feel sorry for me...but understand that the view from your ivory castle is a bit more black and white than it is from where I am here on the ground.

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, oldschoolromantic said:

Is this an original thought or is it a quote? In either case, it's spot on!

I wrote it based on my own experiences and observations. It's not a quote although I'm sure that someone, somewhere has said something similar.

 

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, oldschoolromantic said:

I know that this will sound mean, but talking to my wife is like talking to a wall. She had a mental break down a few years back and hasn't been the same. It's not her fault, but at the same time, it's hard for me. 

What sort of therapy has she been able to get for this? Is she just not doing anything because she has no support to do it or is it she's not interested in getting any help? Before her breakdown, what kind of relationship did you have with her?

Outside of this chick, what kind of therapy have you been getting to not make it so hard on you?

What makes it hard? What caused her mental break down?

Edited February 27, 2020 by kendahke

[oldschoolromantic]

11 minutes ago, kendahke said:

What sort of therapy has she been able to get for this? Is she just not doing anything because she has no support to do it or is it she's not interested in getting any help? Before her breakdown, what kind of relationship did you have with her?

Outside of this chick, what kind of therapy have you been getting to not make it so hard on you?

What makes it hard? What caused her mental break down?

She sees a therapist and is on a couple of medications (anti-depressant and anti-psychotic). She's been in pretty good shape for the past 2 years, but anytime she has a bad day and loses sleep, I'm on pins and needles. All 3 episodes were precipitated by work stress and the insomnia that resulted from that stress. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. There are also issues from her childhood and low self-esteem.

I see a therapist as well every two weeks. It really helps, but it isn't a solution to the situation.

What's hard is that I don't feel like I have a friend in my wife. She never asks how my day was, what I'm working on, and all the things that make for conversation. Sometimes when I say something, or ask her a question she doesn't even respond. Hence, talking to a wall.

Things started breaking down after the birth of our second son, about 4 years before her first breakdown. Intimacy really took a hit after the breakdown and is non-existent. And to be honest, some of the things I witnessed during her breakdowns changed me as well (these are the kinds of thing we cover in therapy). And the fact is, I don't think, or know if that "spark" can every be re-kindled. I know to some these may sound like excuses. I'm not trying to play the victim. This is just my reality.

[S2B]

4 hours ago, oldschoolromantic said:

You are right. I shouldn't be using people to fill voids. I don't think I knew I was doing that until it was too late. But as far as missing her goes, I think how we feel about others is directly related to how they make us feel. They either make us feel good, bad or nothing at all. I would readily divorce my wife, but her mental illness makes that a bit more difficult, and we have children. I worry about the toll it would take on both them and my wife. Honestly, I feel trapped.

Is it possible your wife could get her issues handled in a better manner if she lived for a while in a mental hospital and received daily care?

i think if your wife had a chance of becoming a healthy partner again - you wouldn’t miss the friend that filled that void.

ask your therapist to help you be happy without relying on others to make you feel happy. Do that until you find your way... a way that works for you.

it takes a while - for me it was a process - a process that took more than a year to get in a healthier place of not being so codependent.

i saw a counselor every week to help me continue making progress.

 

[OpenBook]

8 hours ago, oldschoolromantic said:

How do I move on?

First step: Acceptance. Second step: Be kind - to everyone - no matter what. Third step: Work on putting your own house in order. Fourth step: Keep moving. Fifth step: Hang in there!

[MsJayne]

Can I ask what led up to your wife having a breakdown?  Prior to it were you happy with her, had a good family life, etc? 

[Daisydooks]

11 hours ago, oldschoolromantic said:

Do you name call when you respond to women’s posts? I think calling me a “trapped” cheating coward...playing the victim” is a bit much. Are you married? Have children? Ever walk in on your spouse after she’s cut her wrist wide open because her first attempt to hang herself with your belt failed? Divorce isn’t something I’m going to take lightly. A coward? No. I just haven’t figured things out yet.

I think most of us would think youre conflict avoidant, you are admittedly cheating, your behaviour is that of a coward, and you described yourself as trapped. Whose name calling? Spades are spades, my friend. 

Do not for one second think you're being described as such because you're a man. Women around here get reprimanded just the same. Read around a bit and you'll learn we do not discriminate based on your sex.     

Descriptive words are being used more than anything. You're trapped. You're a cheater. You're being a coward by cheating. You're being a coward by not protecting your kids/by not facing reality with your mentally unstable and suicidal wife.

You're currently choosing to bury your head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. You know, so you can find some glimmer of happiness in life (I get it... but leave your wife if she is unwilling to seek help.) You can find true happiness if it isnt here. But you have to face reality and deal with reality.

 Right now, I would be terrified if my husband attempted suicide in my home twice already. I'd be terrified my babies would find him. I would have to remove myself and make tough choices until he started working on his mental health because that cannot be what my children remember of their father. No. Just f***ing no. Staying married is not more important than my children's well being. 

She has attempted suicide twice, in a place where her kids could find her? 

If your wife is suicidal, she needs care you cannot provide. This is beyond your scope. The protector of the home, you, cannot maintain this and it is palpable based on your actions/inactions. I feel for you in that regard because this is brutal and awful... but getting caught up with s*** that doesnt matter (like an affair) is conflict avoidant and ignorant of you. 

 This cannot be how your children find their mother because dad was busy worrying about some married woman moving across the country he had fallen in love with. This cant be your story or theirs. I know its easier to put your head in the sand, but you're being a coward. Your choosing to cheat. You're choosing to remain trapped and stuck.  You're avoiding what's happening in your home, cheating on your wife... and not dealing with really scary things in your home. If your wife does not seek help willingly, she needs to be removed from your life and from your children for at least the time being so she can seek the help she needs to get healthy. What happens when they find her dead when she succeeds the 3rd time she tries to kill herself? I think cheating, trapped and coward describe you well. I'm not saying that to call you names, but I agree. I'm describing your actions currently. Its calling a spade a spade. You have some serious moves to make and you're worried about writing stupid posts about missing your AP who moves tomorrow. Your issues are much deeper and much bigger than this OW. Face them. 

Protect your kids for the love of everything holy. Until mom gets healthy, I would remove myself and kids from the home for their sake and yours. 

[JTSW]

This friend leaving will be the best thing that will happen to you.

You will no longer have her to fill those voids and can focus more on your wife.

Get her the help she needs in order to rebuild things between you. 

It bothers me that you seem to care more about this other woman than your wife.

Have you ever thought that maybe her breakdown may be due to your 'close friendship' with this woman?

 

Edited February 28, 2020 by JTSW

[kendahke]

Quote

Things started breaking down after the birth of our second son, about 4 years before her first breakdown.

Did she want two children?

What is it about her job that has her on high stress?

 

[oldschoolromantic]

On 2/28/2020 at 2:54 AM, Daisydooks said:

I think most of us would think youre conflict avoidant, you are admittedly cheating, your behaviour is that of a coward, and you described yourself as trapped. Whose name calling? Spades are spades, my friend. 

Do not for one second think you're being described as such because you're a man. Women around here get reprimanded just the same. Read around a bit and you'll learn we do not discriminate based on your sex.     

Descriptive words are being used more than anything. You're trapped. You're a cheater. You're being a coward by cheating. You're being a coward by not protecting your kids/by not facing reality with your mentally unstable and suicidal wife.

You're currently choosing to bury your head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. You know, so you can find some glimmer of happiness in life (I get it... but leave your wife if she is unwilling to seek help.) You can find true happiness if it isnt here. But you have to face reality and deal with reality.

 Right now, I would be terrified if my husband attempted suicide in my home twice already. I'd be terrified my babies would find him. I would have to remove myself and make tough choices until he started working on his mental health because that cannot be what my children remember of their father. No. Just f***ing no. Staying married is not more important than my children's well being. 

She has attempted suicide twice, in a place where her kids could find her? 

If your wife is suicidal, she needs care you cannot provide. This is beyond your scope. The protector of the home, you, cannot maintain this and it is palpable based on your actions/inactions. I feel for you in that regard because this is brutal and awful... but getting caught up with s*** that doesnt matter (like an affair) is conflict avoidant and ignorant of you. 

 This cannot be how your children find their mother because dad was busy worrying about some married woman moving across the country he had fallen in love with. This cant be your story or theirs. I know its easier to put your head in the sand, but you're being a coward. Your choosing to cheat. You're choosing to remain trapped and stuck.  You're avoiding what's happening in your home, cheating on your wife... and not dealing with really scary things in your home. If your wife does not seek help willingly, she needs to be removed from your life and from your children for at least the time being so she can seek the help she needs to get healthy. What happens when they find her dead when she succeeds the 3rd time she tries to kill herself? I think cheating, trapped and coward describe you well. I'm not saying that to call you names, but I agree. I'm describing your actions currently. Its calling a spade a spade. You have some serious moves to make and you're worried about writing stupid posts about missing your AP who moves tomorrow. Your issues are much deeper and much bigger than this OW. Face them. 

Protect your kids for the love of everything holy. Until mom gets healthy, I would remove myself and kids from the home for their sake and yours. 

I'm always hesitant to bring up the mental illness in this forum, because unless you've experienced it first-hand, you don't understand it. And you clearly don't understand it. First of all, my wife attempted suicide on ONE occasion, although she tried multiple methods unsuccessfully before giving up. Your notion that I've buried my head in the sand is completely off-track. THE MINUTE I spot a warning sign that my wife may go off the rails, I send my children to their grandparents or somewhere safe. I have been the one to check her into the hospital on 3 occasions, and convince her that meds are crucial to her wellness, etc. The last time she got sick, I had a room reserved for her at the Chicago Behavioral Hospital hours before she was admitted. SHE HAS GOTTEN THE TREATMENT SHE HAS NEEDED.

The reason that mental illness is so stigmatized, is because the general population doesn't understand it. Think of it like any other illness. If you're treated properly, take the prescribed medication, and attend regular therapy, you can live a NORMAL life. But relapse is always a possibility. For the past 3 years, my wife has been perfectly healthy. No different from you or me. Just like everyone gets the flu, then we recover, there is always the chance that we will get sick again. So...could my wife have another breakdown? Yes. Is this a reason in and of itself to get a divorce or to remove her children from her life? Absolutely not. 

As for divorce...the main reason I haven't filed for divorce is because since she is healthy right now, taking her medications and going therapy, a judge would most likely grant her full custody of our children (maybe joint if I'm lucky). The problem is, there is the underlying fear of "what if we divorce and at some point down the road she has a breakdown. Will she get the help she needs. What effect will it have on my kids...and I can't be there to protect them. As you said, I am "the protector of the home." And I've done a damn fine job of it. My wife is alive today because of me, and my kids have been shielded from the worst of her illness...because of me and no one else.

As for me being a cheater and having an affair...you're grossly misrepresenting my friendship. This woman is someone I saw a few days a week at the gym, connected with, and that's it. We have never met outside the walls of the gym. We don't talk or text on the phone. We workout for a couple hours, talk, and THAT'S IT. I do the same with several guys at the gym that I've befriended as well. Am I having affairs with them too? The fact that I've connected with a woman other than my wife on more than a superficial level doesn't, in any way, make me cheater. Did I become a bit too attached. Yes. But it happened before I even knew it was happening. The whole point of my original post was to express my sadness about her removal from my life. That's all.

I wasn't going to respond to your reply, but it occurred to me that so many of you are REALLY QUICK to judge before actually digging into the core someone's post and addressing the heart of the issue. You said "you're worried about writing stupid posts about missing your AP who moves tomorrow." I'm not worried. My post is no more stupid than your's or anyone else's...and my feelings about missing my friend are just as valid as any other's. You have 357 posts. I have 15 over the course of 3 years! Is it possible that you and the like post so much because your live's are just as screwed up as mine and coming on here and berating others helps you feel like your life isn't nearly as bad as the rest of us?

I wanted help moving on...not saving my marriage. Maybe that will be another stupid post.

[Amethyst68]

Here's the thing - you'reposted the one who  in 'the other man/other woman' forum so why are you so upset about people taking about cheating. It's inferred by you posting here, no-ones mentioned physical cheating but a one sided emotional affair, well that's another thing altogether. I say one sided because you've not really mentioned anything about the woman's feelings or actions

As for your wife, you can be right beside ssomeone physically but not actually there with them. When was the last occasion you took the time to try to connect with your wife. When you looked at her and saw a person and not a potential problem. I know how hard it can be living with someone with a serious medical condition, not the same thing, in case the person had a terminal condition and sometimes it's hard to look and not see the condition. I would take the time to try and reconnect with your wife as an individual.