She's Leaving Tomorrow

[pepperbird]

On 3/2/2020 at 3:03 PM, oldschoolromantic said:

Thank you for sharing your experience. I do appreciate it, and understand where you're coming from. We've talked about her a great deal. My guilt, how to deal with the end of the relationship, etc. And to be honest, so far it hasn't been too bad. I left the gym in February once I knew she was leaving. I wasn't about to torture myself listening to a month of her talk about the moving process. So we said our official goodbyes almost a month ago. I'm now working living my new normal. Let's put aside the OW for a minute. I know it was wrong, and now she's gone so it's over and done with.

I'm not responding here to justify staying in unhappy marriage, but obviously I came here looking for advice, and boy...things have gone in a different direction. But I think that you're assuming my situation is the same as your's. How often was your dad sick, hospitalized, etc.? Was this pretty much continuous throughout your childhood? My wife had breakdowns in 2013, 2015, and 2018. All 3 breakdowns were sparked by issues related to her job, which were made worse by feelings of "unworthiness" (nothing was ever good enough for her mom). The breakdown in 2013 was for all of us, the worst. I'd never experience someone suffering a psychotic breakdown...the delusions, hallucinations, and overall bat-s*** craziness. And because I didn't understand, I didn't properly remove my children from the situation. When she broke down in 2015 and 2018, I was much more aware/educated, and was able to immediately recognize the warning signs and get my boys out of the house.

BUT...she has been completely fine for almost 3 years. She sticks to her meds, goes to therapy, has started working out again, and holds down a good job. So for all intents and purposes, life at home is stable. There is no craziness, we don't argue, and my boys appear happy and engaged in life. So to divorce her solely because she has bipolar disorder would seem a bit unfair. And because she isn't a threat to my kids, how would I explain that to them.

If we're being honest, if I were to divorce her, it would be because she's unable to fulfill my needs. I'm not talking about being needy...everyone has needs in a relationship, and she's unable to meet them. I don't want to go into details at risk of sounding like I'm complaining. That said, divorce somewhere in the future is a likelihood. I've even begun secretly saving money so I'm not financially destroyed. Finances are a BIG reason I haven't filed.

Again, thank you for your candid reply.

 

I;m sorry, but I find this incredibly cruel. Your wife thinks that all is well, meanwhile, you're planning to leave.
Why not at least give her a heads up?

[Miss Clavel]

wow, it looks like you are going to have to stay right where you are. how old are your children?

 you''re stuck till they get into senior high school/college and start driving.

then, with the help of her doctors, you're gonna have to start extracting yourself from your vows.

my friend moved away. we talk. i send cards. there is what'sap and face time.

get back out there. you deserve attention. 

take a class, learn to cook, roller skate. sew masks for the hospital workers shortage. snort some whiskey, buy yourself something wonderful. i highly recommend the cashmere vee neck long sleeve sweater, in goldenrod.

cheered me up no end

good luck

 

 

[LIRR88]

OP, the whole situation sounds stressful and I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I’m gonna share my story because I’ve dealt with mental illness. My mom has never been diagnosed but when I tell you she’s bat s%#t crazy, I mean it. Growing up she was abusive emotionally and physically, she could never keep a friend, or have a normal relationship with any of her siblings let alone other family members. My parents have been married for over 30 years and i have never seen them happy, EVER. My father is a miserable person, and now that I’m 31 years old I understand so much, like why he always worked long hours 6 days a week, he never wanted to be home. The damage it did to me and my sisters is unimaginable. My parents relationship was traumatizing, they were your classic toxic couple that stayed together for the sake of the kids. I honestly wished my dad would have had the balls to leave my mom, maybe just maybe we would have had the chance at a normal childhood. I resent him so much for being “weak”. I haven’t spoken to my mom in 7 years and I probably never will again in my life. Please, if you’re unhappy, consider getting a divorce. You’re not her babysitter, there’s only so much you can do to help someone. Your kids are gonna pick up on this, and you’re gonna risk scarring them for life. 

Edited March 24, 2020 by LIRR88
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