Five years later

[solostand]

It has been five years since the disastrous end of my 2.5 year affair.

I still think about it all the time, but in terms of shock and awe that I could hate myself so much that I felt that is all I deserved.

I have not laid eyes on the ex MM in five years, and I'm not sure what I would do if I did. For some reason I have yet to decipher, I still have tender feelings for him.

I feel so bad about blowing up the life of his family. I wish I could make amends, but I know I can't.

I have grown tremendously in these five years, and I hope I am never that low again.

[mark clemson]

39 minutes ago, solostand said:

I feel so bad about blowing up the life of his family. I wish I could make amends, but I know I can't.

I haven't read your backstory, but unless he was completely uninterested and you relentlessly seduced him, you're only 50% responsible for that. (And significantly less than 50% in the eyes of some folks, I believe.)

Making amends is for them to do. Keep away, and keep on keeping on. Find someone you can actually have.

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, solostand said:

 

I feel so bad about blowing up the life of his family. I wish I could make amends, but I know I can't.

 

I have to agree with Mark on this one, but wanted to add something else. I'm a BS. Or was a BS..I divorced my xWH after his affair. And while i wont go as so far as to thanking the OW for being in the affair, I am at this point happy that it all happened. It was hard, painful, and hurt like hell. My children were devastated. However, we are all in a much better place. I'm happier in a new relationship than I ever was in 20 years with my ex husband. We have all grown from it. So maybe his BS is now better for it too. 

[pepperbird]

Just my opinion, but it sounds very much to me like you have done a lot of work on yourself. Consider that making your amends. It's a lot of work being that introspective, but you did it!
As for having a soft spot for him, that understandable. That doesn't mean you still care for him-it's just a memory.

[2BGoodAgain]

Kudos... keep it up. 

our hearts grow but alot of times, it requires a life choice. It seems you've made it, and you'll keep growing until that part of your heart that you committed to him, will become smaller, not b/c it gets smaller, but b/c your heart and definition of love, grows bigger...

keep sharing... it helps the rest of us who's not yet quite there.

 

[solostand]

20 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I'm a BS. Or was a BS..I divorced my xWH after his affair. And while i wont go as so far as to thanking the OW for being in the affair, I am at this point happy that it all happened. It was hard, painful, and hurt like hell. My children were devastated. However, we are all in a much better place. I'm happier in a new relationship than I ever was in 20 years with my ex husband. We have all grown from it. So maybe his BS is now better for it too. 

Well allow me to apologize to you then, because I owe her a sincere apology, but cannot give it. 

She is still with him. I have no idea what their relationship is like. I do know she found out every. single. detail.

Just know that if you felt she was somehow "winning", "smarter" "sexier" or whatever than you, she was a women sleeping with a man she knew was married. She must have hated herself.

She must have been so low on the vibrational scale (as I was) that she was easily brainwashed.   She knew about you, as I knew about her, but I made her (at the time) my enemy, not him. Actually, truth be told, I was my own enemy 

[Beca L]

On 2/28/2020 at 6:30 PM, solostand said:

She must have been so low on the vibrational scale (as I was) that she was easily brainwashed.   She knew about you, as I knew about her, but I made her (at the time) my enemy, not him.

So true, that's how I felt as well. Especially when XMM tells you how terrible their BS is and how desperately unhappy they have been for years. There is no excuses I know that but when you are in the zone, you believe all the lies they tell. 

[Starswillshine]

On 2/28/2020 at 1:30 PM, solostand said:

Well allow me to apologize to you then, because I owe her a sincere apology, but cannot give it. 

She is still with him. I have no idea what their relationship is like. I do know she found out every. single. detail.

Just know that if you felt she was somehow "winning", "smarter" "sexier" or whatever than you, she was a women sleeping with a man she knew was married. She must have hated herself.

She must have been so low on the vibrational scale (as I was) that she was easily brainwashed.   She knew about you, as I knew about her, but I made her (at the time) my enemy, not him. Actually, truth be told, I was my own enemy 

Well, you most certainly do not owe me an apology.

 

My xH's affair was quite different. He didn't really manipulate her at first. He was up front and told her our marriage was good, sex good, etc. I was the one who was manipulated. I had no idea who I was married to for 20 years. He did feed her half truths after I found out. And he then pitted us against each other. She cannot be compared to other OW. She has a lot of issues and I took the brunt of them for years. She has FINALLY left me alone. I hope.

I have never felt less than her in any aspect. We are different. She is a reckless girl, and that is what attracted him to her.... he was chasing after his youth. 

We are divorced now. And every time we have to be at an event, I see him checking out tinder. I almost feel embarrassed for him. He was "dating" a lady who was amazing. I wanted everything to tell her he is not who he pretends, but I knew I would just be the crazy ex wife. I guess she figured it out on her own when the OW found out who she was and started harassing her.... Ah, good times.