Support for NC after 9 yrs

[Beca L]

I hope this isn’t the case but it does seem to be a trend. He may genuinely want to be with you but he can see that you come with a daughter/s who atm need you more than you need him. Maybe he isn’t prepared to wait so he is trying to distance himself from you. He may not want to hurt you which is why he’s doing NC and he may not really know what to do. Hope your day is going better. Does your H know anything about your A? Has he noticed that you are suffering atm? It must be hard. My situation was completely different so it’s hard for me to understand. I feel more heartbroken because I’m on my own. Is it easy that you have a H who still cares for you and is there for you or does that make it worse. Just trying to understand, sorry for all the questions. No one really knows what is going on in his head but going through a divorce is very hard and maybe he needs space atm. I know that doesn’t help but just try not to think about him if that is at all possible. I know it’s hard because its something I am unable to do. Thinking of you. 

[Poppy's sister]

Thank you

That was a kind reply

 

[Poppy's sister]

i dont think it is the issue with my d that has caused him to pull away and decide he doesnt know what he wants. 

He will be a good few years sorting out his marriage, they are apparently going to councelling ( this is the third lot in 9 yrs). he admitted that he had moved out for a short period but went back ..he didnt tell me this ...i don't know why ? he says he was protecting me while i needed to focus on my daughter.

he always said he would not run and even up to 2 weeks ago was saying to me 'its ok to have a bad day darling, i am not here just for the good days i am here for the bad too'

Now i know they all apparently lie..but i do wonder why ...why say stuff like that if infact you were thinking something else ?

who knows ....i would like to think he has done this because he does want more but doesnt want to pressure me while i am still dealing with my d illness...but somehow i dont believe it is just that. He sat there at dinner last week and said 'i cannot give you what you want, i cannot give you an intimate relationship and i dont know what  i want at the moment'

For all of us who have been in similar situations ( and boy there are alot !) you know that you need to step back and at the time i was sure, when i said to him 'i am sure about us and this is breaking my heart' and i got up and walked out with him following me into the street and calling after me saying he was so sorry...i was sure i was doing the right thing.

now a week later i think ' why couldnt i have been calmer, more supportive, what was so bad about our relationship, we had not been intimate for 12 months, wy not just wait it out patiently like a good OW'

Madness as it hurt like hell, but sitting patiently like a good OW should was hurting i just need to remember that and if he had wanted me to wait he could have asked me to...but he didtn he just said over and over ' i dont know what i want '

which means to me...i dont want you ...

today is his birthday..i sent a card and his present ordered weeks ago will be delivered to his office...so far i have heard nothing not one thing.

[Poppy's sister]

Oh and to answer the questions, no my H does not know about affair, though i am sure he must suspect

it is hard not to be upset at home but i have had years of practice sadly at this...

we are all emotionally spent dealing with D , and when she is at home i have to sleep in her room so she and i go to bed at same time as her which is in many ways nice.

she is so much better and our relationship is strong and bonded so seeing her happy makes me happy and it is a good distraction and will be for the next few months as she is going to be discharged from hospital home, so i cannot go to city for work, so there was going to be no chance to see AP or to be here and feel sad and triggered.

When i am at home i am finding it ok ... it is where i have to be from next week onwards for several months, so i intend to try very hard to focus on my running, yoga and i dont have many local friends but the two i have i am going to really try hard to connect with.

and we will just have to see what happens, as i said up thread his separation (if it really happens) is going to be messy and hard. I know his wife is angry and resentful and unforgiving ( and no i dont blame her for feeling that way). He has a d about to sit alevels and when i asked how he was going to try an mitigate a messy separation affecting her exams, he said 'yes it is going to be a timing issue' and in response to me asking why if they are both agreed to separate why councelling and why he could not txt me in the evening ( i mean just a goodnight txt if he had not txted all day due to work etc) ..and his answer was the counscelling was to make it more amicable ( i wonder if his wife thinks that is why they are going) and to enable them both to come tot he conclusion it has come to the end of the road. And the txt issue..he says he still gets asked/questioned why he is on his phone, who is he contacting, what he is doing...i said well you say its over between you and you dont care about her anymore so why does it matter, why not say mind your own business....his reply ' it just makes it extremely toxic and there is screaming rows'

 

so i am not convinnced he and she are on the same page with this separation, and while i think he will do it, i think it will be several very difficult years.

there are several properties and a lot of very complex finances to sort through.....and loss of status and in all honesty loss of money/investments /pensions has definitely been a big factor in him staying over the years, that and kids. So for him to say he is done and he is ok with the financial implications he just wants out ..i think he really is done ..but seems done with me too

 

sorry for endless venting..its like journalling writing here ..and you guys are being kind and supportive and it is really helping.

Beka L can i ask how you finally ended contact ? did you carry on with contact after he went back and then what happened to make it final ?

your heartbreak must be awful...you had the happy ending ...oh how did we all get in such mess

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Poppy's sister said:

and we will just have to see what happens, as i said up thread his separation (if it really happens) is going to be messy and hard. I know his wife is angry and resentful and unforgiving ( and no i dont blame her for feeling that way). He has a d about to sit alevels and when i asked how he was going to try an mitigate a messy separation affecting her exams, he said 'yes it is going to be a timing issue' and in response to me asking why if they are both agreed to separate why councelling and why he could not txt me in the evening ( i mean just a goodnight txt if he had not txted all day due to work etc) ..and his answer was the counscelling was to make it more amicable ( i wonder if his wife thinks that is why they are going) and to enable them both to come tot he conclusion it has come to the end of the road. And the txt issue..he says he still gets asked/questioned why he is on his phone, who is he contacting, what he is doing...i said well you say its over between you and you dont care about her anymore so why does it matter, why not say mind your own business....his reply ' it just makes it extremely toxic and there is screaming rows'

Hi,

Yes the divorce will be very messy I imagine. I think she knows all about you again and she is watching him like a hawk. He probably wants to text you but it will probably not be possible. My xMM used to tell me the same. He wanted to avoid big rows with BS as she was watching him all the time and asking what he was doing on his phone. Also he said he felt guilty messaging me with her only a few feet away. Men are cowards and hypocritical. He may rather be with you but ultimately he may also want to walk away from the marriage unscathed with everyone still thinking he’s been a good husband/father. They don’t want to be see as the bad guy, abandoning their families and responsibilities. Yet all the time they have been doing the exact opposite and cheating on their wives and lying. I think the wife probably has no idea that he wants to finally separate. Men are so bad at being honest with both BS and AP, their excuse is that they don’t want to hurt anyone but personally I think it’s just down to cowardice and an inability to tell the truth. Maybe he’s been persuaded by her to give it one more go and that is why he is distancing himself again. She will make things really difficult for him if she thinks he’s leaving for you and that is probably what he is trying to avoid. 

Sorry you haven’t heard from him, especially on his bday and after you sent him a gift. He may not be in work or maybe he just doesn’t want to start things up all over again whilst things are tricky at home. Anyway try not to overthink things it achieves nothing and just makes you feel worse. I know as I do it all the time.  

[Poppy's sister]

thanks Beca

you are keeping me sane and you are so right with everything you said.

I am cross that he cannot even say thankyou for the present but you are right..he needs space..i need to give that space for both of us , he may come back around but i may not want him then.

would you go back to your MM if he was available again ? or has the hurt managed to make you protective of yourself.

overthinking - itis is such a dreadful condition to have

[Poppy's sister]

my cousin said to think 'today is going to be a hard day, i just have to get through it'

and i have, it is the last day and night i have to spend in city were AP works and lives, and i work/live 2 nights a week.

i got a job here so we could spend time together..i started it 7 yrs ago, a week before dday.

so our plans of it being the first step towards being together never panned out. Luckily i love my job but i am trying to focus my thoughts on how many evenings i have had to spend here on my own...when he has made other things a priority to him ...last yr he cancelled my birthday dinner at last moment, as the guinea pig was sick and needed taking to the vet and his wife couldn't do it as she doesnt like driving after 5 pm...honestly ....the following week he was away with work and somehow the wife managed the trip to vet and all the other domestic driving responsibilities....

so keep reminding myself ( ourselves) of these memories....and how i deserve more.

can i ask...did you send any stuff back ? I have a vast and cliched collection of expensive trinkets, shoes, clothes, lingerie ...all compensation gifts for cancelled plans etc ...and I am harbouring revenge fantasies of packing it all up and having it delivered to his house....i wont but it is tempting

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Poppy's sister said:

Beka L can i ask how you finally ended contact ? did you carry on with contact after he went back and then what happened to make it final ?

your heartbreak must be awful...you had the happy ending ...oh how did we all get in such mess

Hi

My xMM went back 2 years ago just after spending Xmas with me. His family home was being sold on 8 Jan 2018 and he needed space to come to terms with what he had done to his family. We started NC but little did I know he basically moved in with her in her rented house. Over the last 2 years we have been in and out of contact. Longest NC was about 15 weeks. He bought a new house with her 8 months after going back and didn’t tell me. (Their divorce was proceeding before Jan18 and he had put in an offer on his own house before he went back). 
He has told me so many times that he loves me and regrets his decision to go back but he panicked and couldn’t see how things were going to work out with me and my kids and he was scared his own children might never speak to him again. He hated living on his own (he couldn’t live with me, although he was spending 4-5 nights a week here. My kids didn’t like it ) that all played a part. He had never been on his own and had lived with her all his adult life. There in lies mine and his predicament. He realised now he is stuck and to leave again would be catastrophic and the fall out with his kids would be terrible. He isn’t willing to risk that, also he would have to leave the family home to move in to a small rented flat. Not very appealing to a +50 male. He’s a coward. Fact. 
Last time we spoke was 4 days before Xmas. We had a big row because he had changed his mind about meeting up and spending an evening together. All his kids were coming home for Xmas (first time in 4 years they would be together at Xmas) and he didn’t want to cause any suspicion. I threatened to tell BS everything. I have thousands of emails, dates of when we had seen each etc. 
obviously I did nothing but we haven’t spoken since. I just ignore him at work and just try to cope. I’m still heartbroken and cry most days. He can’t really love me if he went back and wasn’t prepared to put in the hard work to make things work. I don’t really know if he’s happy but it can’t be that bad if he’s still there. I think they are more like brother and sister and I guess he’s happy with that arrangement. Sad but true. 

[Beca L]

17 minutes ago, Poppy's sister said:

would you go back to your MM if he was available again ? or has the hurt managed to make you protective of yourself

Don’t know. Don’t think I could trust him. He lies a lot. I would never know what was true or not. Also my son doesn’t like him. He witnessed how upset I’ve been, I’ve had two periods in the last two years when I was off on sick due to depression. The first after I had found out he had bought a house. Literally 2 weeks before he moved in he was seeing me and meeting up all the time indicating he would leave her, all that time he knew he was moving in to a new house and he never mentioned it !!! How bad is that ??

I think there may be too much hurt to take him back now although a part of me still wants to. 
 

who knows maybe in years to come if he ends his marriage without me in the picture. 

[Beca L]

14 minutes ago, Poppy's sister said:

can i ask...did you send any stuff back ? I have a vast and cliched collection of expensive trinkets, shoes, clothes, lingerie ...all compensation gifts for cancelled plans etc ...and I am harbouring revenge fantasies of packing it all up and having it delivered to his house....i wont but it is tempting

No I haven’t done that. Although I have thought about it. He bought me a £400 chrome book a week before he went back as my Xmas gift. I love it and use it every day so I don’t really wanna give that back 😂😂

Incidental the BS found the receipt and asked him where said CB was ? He told her he took it back to the shop. Liar !!! She didn’t believe him and he finally admitted to her that he had bought it for me. I don’t think he ever spent that much money on a gift for her. It didn’t go down very well. 
 

keep everything. Don’t send them back. He will probably take it badly. Just try to show him you don’t care. Keep it together and keep up the NC. xo 🙂

[Amethyst68]

Quote

I know his wife is angry and resentful and unforgiving

I think you forgot to add heartbroken, physically drained and ill, depressed and anxious!

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Beca L said:

Literally 2 weeks before he moved in he was seeing me and meeting up all the time indicating he would leave her, all that time he knew he was moving in to a new house and he never mentioned it !!! How bad is that ??

It's bad...

Edited March 4, 2020 by mark clemson
edited quote

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

It's bad...

I know. Don’t think I have or will ever forgive him for that. His BS had no idea or his family. I think he thought he could pull out of the sale at the last minute. That it wasn’t real or something. Shocking behaviour. The excuses he gave for not telling me were just pathetic. 

[Poppy's sister]

Today feels the worse. 

I guess I thought the gift and card yesterday would definitely get a response. 

The silence makes me feel so small and rejected. Obviously he really did want it to end. I have given him the opportunity to reach out.. I guess now its work on accepting he doesn't want me, I am never going to get answers or be able to understand why even minutes before he said he didn't know what he wants he was saying I had nothing to worry about.. Bizzare 

How is everyone else today.? 

Beca.. Can I ask in the two yrs did yiu have periods of nc? And what broke them? And what is different this time? 

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, Poppy's sister said:

Beca.. Can I ask in the two yrs did yiu have periods of nc? And what broke them? And what is different this time? 

Hi,

hope you are ok today. Yesterday must have been tough. I know last year on my XAP bday I desperately wanted to contact him and I thought he might message me but he didn’t. I felt the same as you did yesterday. Try not to take it personally. It’s his hang ups, problems etc. Maybe he is trying to do the right thing but he’s unable to process what is best to do. If the BS is making him do counselling and reconciliation again then maybe he had made a choice to try and not contact you because he doesn’t want to get sucked back in to the affair. Maybe be feels guilty for upsetting you. 
I have to go back to work now so will message you later in regards your question. Chin up 🙂 just keep smiling. Fake it until you make it. Xo

[Poppy's sister]

Thank you

Today feels the toughest yet

I guess I thought the gift would de trigger a response.. And off we'd go again. 

I am sure he is staying nc because he doesn't want me to be hurt any more. 

I know rationally that is the right thing as our relationship hurt me daily.. But right now I'd happily go back to the crumbs I had. 

I don't think, infact I am certain he has not made a choice to reconcile.. He has had 7yrs of fake reconciliation. And our affair has been an EA onky last 12 months. So I don't think it's about being sucked in. 

I think it was he thinks I want to jump straight into "our" proper relationship as soon as he is separated. I don't. 

I guess I can only guess that he felt a pressure from me to give more, he is at boiling point at home, he has been repairing his relationship with his daughters. And his job is increasingly demanding and stressful. 

Despite 7 yrs of telling me I was not going to be collateral damage in his life, 7 yrs of him saying he wanted me in his future, 7 yrs of him saying nothing would make him run, 7 yrs of him telling me Everytime I said that I felt I was the easiest thing in his life to ditch that was not true and i was not... 

Well I guess he changed his mind

I am crying today

[Beca L]

31 minutes ago, Poppy's sister said:

I am crying today

Don’t. He’s not worth it. I’m so sorry but I do know how you feel. I still cry most days, usually when I go to bed. It’s s***. Sending you xo xo 

[Beca L]

32 minutes ago, Poppy's sister said:

I am sure he is staying nc because he doesn't want me to be hurt any more. 

I know rationally that is the right thing as our relationship hurt me daily.. But right now I'd happily go back to the crumbs I had. 

I don't think, infact I am certain he has not made a choice to reconcile.. He has had 7yrs of fake reconciliation. And our affair has been an EA onky last 12 months. So I don't think it's about being sucked in. 

I think it was he thinks I want to jump straight into "our" proper relationship as soon as he is separated. I don't. 

I understand about the crumbs thing. I’ve felt that way many a time. I’m sure you are correct about him not wanting to hurt you. He seems to have a lot on his plate atm. Maybe he can only cope with one persons hurt feelings and emotions, those being his W. It’s too much for him to also cope with how you are feeling. 
Keep the NC and see what happens. Maybe he needs time and space to deal with the separation and divorce. You are also coping with your daughters illness so he probably thinks you need to focus on that right now. 

[Beca L]

8 hours ago, Poppy's sister said:

Beca.. Can I ask in the two yrs did yiu have periods of nc? And what broke them? And what is different this time? 

In the last 2 years we have had so many periods of NC. Both short (a few days) and long (15 weeks). Sometimes he would contact me, this happened more so in the beginning. Also you have to remember that I work with him. Sometimes I was in his class and as you can imagine by the end of a lesson I couldn’t help myself I would get so cross I would just go up and talk to him. The last two times we have made contact I did initiate it. Once was in a lesson and the last time Oct 2019 was after I had been to see John Mayer in Manchester. We both love him and he has a special place in our hearts. I had bought tickets for us to go (a year earlier when he was telling me he was leaving her and we would be together again). Obviously I didn’t go with him but my daughter and after the concert I was so upset I emailed him and sent him a few videos of the concert. That started a period of contact that lasted till Dec 20th. We would meet regularly at work and sometimes at the weekend. 
I actually thought he wanted to leave again but I realised that he’s not ready or may never be. I just got so sick of it all. I’ve had enough. Not sure what is different now, it’s just me. I’ve had enough. Determined to stay in NC. 
 

[Poppy's sister]

Thanks again beca

I am sending peaceful no crying good nights sleep wishes to you. 

 

[Beca L]

55 minutes ago, Poppy's sister said:

Thanks again beca

I am sending peaceful no crying good nights sleep wishes to you. 

 

Thanks. Hope you’ve had an ok evening also. Another day of NC completed. We can do this !!! 

[Poppy's sister]

I am doing a bit better today. 

Had a really long run this morning and that has helped. 

And talked to my brother.. He has been through a very unpleasant divorce where there were no kids, and he said it literally filled his head. He couldn't cope with anything else, my brother left his wife for someone else., though the marriage had been awful for years. It was interesting as while he said he didn't like or care for his wife by this point, separating from her, telling her it was over was incredibly hard and while he knew he wanted to, he still wavered. 

It hasn't given me hope.. But it has helped me see my AP.. Might have just hit a wall.. And when I said I was getting hurt.. And it was clear thst what he could give me was infact making me feel worse and that in his eyes I wasn't able to grasp and be OK with the fact that was all he could give right now, well he just cannot handle hurting anyone else right now. 

His head is full of dealing with the situation at home, trying to keep things OK while his d does her exams.. This is his priority.. And up till now I have been quietly undemanding in the background, sucking up the hurt, being supportive etc. 

Now I have asked for clear understanding of what is going on.. And not made demands but called him. Out a bit on the lack of communication etc.. 

My brother thinks he will reappear.. He said no one can just turn off 9 yrs of feelings, and the line "I don't know what I want" is the easiest to say when you do know but getting it involved so much heartache, chaos, change its to scary to think about it or you know but your scared to say cus you can't have it. 

I guess foolishly I want to think he will go through with ending his marriage and come find me... I hope that the time lag gives me a chance to recover and not want him

Beca.. I saw you had to sit near ex in meetings.. How do you not stab him with your biro for what he did? I am angry on your behalf