Will she always see me as a friend now!

[Walkingalone]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

If she has lost sexual attraction for you it is unlikely she will ever get that back. But if that's not all it is then it's a different matter.

I think the majority of her sexual attraction comes from feeling secure, loved and appreciated. 
 

 

[Walkingalone]

Just now, Marc878 said:

A lot of guys project. I love her so much so she has to love me too?

Not really. That’s not how it works.

From what I’ve seen once a woman is done it’s permanent.

If you chase they tend to move farther away.

You want to keep yourself tied up in this I doubt it’ll get you much except disappointment.
 

See what is versus what you want to see.

 

 

 

Kind of agree. That thought does scare me a little. She waited till the very end for change. She had nothing left.

But I do believe time can change a lot. And it’s not like I or she can disappear. 
 

Im not chasing her, we rarely talk. It’s odd, because I distanced myself for a while and she noticed. And since our outing.. I don’t know, I felt something. It felt like when we first met minus the kissing, and plus a lot of history and a child in the middle. So I do see what is, but I understand I could blare that line.

[preraph]

Don't make the mistake of becoming her gossip girlfriend who is willing to listen to everything. Because between that and having the new man, why would she ever want to consolidate the two into one. Do give her a chance to miss you. And do date other women so she'll realize you're not going to wait around forever. 

[Walkingalone]

I don’t listen to her whining anymore. If we talk, it starts off about the daughter and then just trivial things. I hardly ever initiate contact with her. I think sometimes she makes excuses to FaceTime me when she’s alone. By making it about our child. Maybe, maybe not. I just know when she’s with me I never feel the need to call her mum, so wondering why there’s always a reason when she has her?

i use the rare days we spend together to have fun with them both. And that should help her see me differently over time. 
But her head will only turn when her life starts to go wrong.

[preraph]

Mothers like to talk about their children and not everyone likes to listen to it because that's really something for family and close family at that. So yeah she is probably wanting to continue sharing all that with you.  

[Walkingalone]

Separated for nearly a year. We have regular contact because of our daughter. Overall decent relationship. We get on very well. Better than before Infact.

shes been in a relationship for 10 month. Found the “love of her life” after 2 months of breaking off our 8 years together.

a week back, she send me a screenshot of a status she seen on Facebook. Basically it was from a women stating things about when a woman leaves a long term relationship. 
it rang true to me. I already knew all this. All except the part where it says “she didn’t leave you to find someone else, she left you to find herself”

my questions are....why send me this? I obviously didn’t reply. 
did you REALLY find yourself in 2 months. That part I don’t understand.

she also used to send me emojis on messenger, like the thumbs up button, which is quite easily accidentally pressed IF you have the chat log open of course. She used to always say “ohh sorry I didn’t realise I sent it” when I asked her what she wanted.

 

well she did it again a few nights back. I obviously ignored again. If I send that to someone by mistake I’d know about it and say OOPS sorry. 
I feel like she wants me to think about her. Cause I know she does this stuff when she’s alone. The emojis could be a mistake but I never Happens from anyone else. And she never acknowledges doing it. 
 

it’s like she won’t fully let me go. and it gets me thinking about things more again. What’s her deal!?!

[Marc878]

It’s just your typical breadcrumbs. You’ll be better off learning to ignore.

This stuff does tie up your headspace. Just because you have a child together doesn’t mean you have to be in constant contact. It’s hard to move on like that. Plus no other woman is gonna want an sin the mix.

IMO, you have your time and she has hers. Keep everything separate. Holidays, birthdays, etc. Keep engagement to a minimum on pickups/drop offs. You can do this in 3 minutes then leave.

No phone calls, use text or email child only. Ignore the rest.

She moved on but wants to cake eat or matter to you. However, you need to let her go fully or you’ll keep yourself tied up in this. 
 

No contact is entirely up to you not her.

Edited March 8, 2020 by Marc878

[Walkingalone]

Why is she bread crumbing me when she ended things? She wanted this. I tried to win her over until I just had enough. Is her validation from her bf not enough? Does she want to keep me thinking of her?

[Ivxample]

It's a little narcissistic. She wants to know you are thinking of her. If you respond she will get that instant hit of self esteem while leaving you confused. 

Just be firm but positive and say something like "Life goes on. I'd prefer to leave that in the past". Set clear boundaries or the behaviour will continue.

[preraph]

It's very easy for women to "just be friends" with an ex.  I mean, at some point you two got along and I'm sure there's some thing or things she does miss about you, while at the same time not enough to get back together.  Still, it's self-indulgent of her to jack you up this way, and no, it's not accidental.  She may have some insecurities or just be namby pamby and self-serving.  Thing is since you have kids, there's only one thing you can really do about it, and that is get a judge to order you both to communicate only by one of those apps for divorced people and only about the kids.  Such apps, such as Talking Parents, permanently keep every communication and forbid unnecessary contact and the file can be used in court if things got ugly.  

 

Of course, without going the legal route, you can simply ban her from your social media and stay off hers.  You don't need to be thinking about what she will think about some photo or post you put up, because that will in some way alter how you use your social media and keep her on your mind.  Likewise, you'd be doing her a favor to block her so she's not similarly editing her own.  You can ask her to agree to talk only about the kids and to keep it brief and to the point and you can ask her to use only one method (text or email), but if she doesn't want to, she will just violate it.  You don't want her getting too comfortable to the point where she starts whining to you about her new boyfriend doing her dirty or whatever or asking you to come over and unplug the toilet, right?  So taking it to a judge if she refuses to keep it orderly is still an option.  

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Walkingalone said:

did you REALLY find yourself in 2 months.

No, she found herself (sniffing in behind the new guy) a long time before she physically left you. It just took time to work out the logistics.

1 hour ago, Walkingalone said:

Why is she bread crumbing me when she ended things? She wanted this.

Because she's using you to make herself feel better for leaving you. Perhaps she thinks that it will pave the way for you two to be friends and co-parenting partners. You can be co-parenting partners without being each other's friend. You just put the interests of your child before your own selfishness.

Edited March 8, 2020 by kendahke

[preraph]

If you do ask her to use only one method of contact -- and I suggest email -- then if she doesn't comply, you are justified to block her from calling or texting.  I suggest email so she doesn't pick up the phone and call you.  If you choose texting, she will still have that ability to call and bug you when you are, say, on a date or with the kids and it's your time and you don't want it wasted.   You can possibly, depending on your server, still set up a notification so you get an alert on her message right away.  For example, you could even create a new email address on Yahoo Mail, and she can be the only one on it.  You can tell her it's your new email address and possibly block her (or ignore her) if she uses the old one.  Then you can activate an alert so it notifies you on your cell whenever you get an email on this dedicated Yahoo address. I actually am doing that now, so I know it works.  I immediately get notified if a certain person emails me because they're the only one with that address.  

[Walkingalone]

1 hour ago, Ivxample said:

It's a little narcissistic. She wants to know you are thinking of her. If you respond she will get that instant hit of self esteem while leaving you confused. 

Just be firm but positive and say something like "Life goes on. I'd prefer to leave that in the past". Set clear boundaries or the behaviour will continue.

I just ignore the messages. I think that’s better. She’s get no hit of anything then.

[Walkingalone]

22 minutes ago, kendahke said:

No, she found herself (sniffing in behind the new guy) a long time before she physically left you. It just took time to work out the logistics.

Because she's using you to make herself feel better for leaving you. Perhaps she thinks that it will pave the way for you two to be friends and co-parenting partners. You can be co-parenting partners without being each other's friend. You just put the interests of your child before your own selfishness.

If you’re implying she was maybe talking with this guy before she left...it’s 100% not true. Call me naive but I actually know this to be fact.

we already are friends. That’s the point. I’m o some extent she knows I want her back. Knowing she knows that makes these communications even worse. Because she knows she f**king with me.

[Walkingalone]

My life in a nutshell:-

Monday - Friday - Work

Friday - Monday - Daughter
 

It’s been 10 months since my relationship ended. I was unfaithful more than once, and the last time it led to my breakup 18 months afterwards. She’d had enough.

I moved out and started a life on my own. We care about each other but enough was enough. She left to find her happiness again and found it in the arms of another man 2 months later. They are still together to this day. He’s very involved with my daughter and I’m comfortable with it as he seems okay. 

My cheating was a culmination of unhappiness and drug use. I should have left but I was a coward I guess. Everything spiralled out of control after her unplanned pregnancy. I got my life together and so did she. But ultimately I forgot about her and tried to keep ties with my old life.

For the last 8 month I’ve been extremely unhappy. My time is devoted to my job and my daughter and leaves very little for any social life. I work away most weeks so I have my daughter every weekend. I pay half of nursery fees and a little on top for the extra days she has her. But my days with her are full days, and I spend my time and money all on her which I’m happy to do. Her mother sees he one full day during the week when neither are at work or nursery. And the rest of the time she has her for a few hours after work and nursery until bed time. 

I’ve been led to believe she has her more than me, and that’s why I pay more money. Even though nursery provide fun and all meals before she goes back to her mother. Whereas I provide for her completely during my time as it’s on the weekend so it’s just me and her all day.

I sometimes have her overnight during the week if I’m home, which is an extra night. Her mother will rarely take her for the day on a weekend to substitute, and if she has is never the full day and if it’s unexpected we have had a few rows as her plans have had to wait. 
 

I fully deserved my breakup, I’m paying for it and I’m working hard to change. I’ve bent over backwards to my ex in the hopes she may return and we can start again as a family. 10 months on and she’s not coming back. I’m starting to be less available now to her now, and it’s causes arguments. I’ve set a bar really high and now I’m looking to get my life back, she assumes I’m unreasonable because I’m trying to do less that I use to.
 

Our co parent relationship is good. I treat her with respect and I emotionally engage with her troubles, as she does mine. But I’m just so tired of this now. Her new man is amazing in her eyes. Though he’s already cheated on her, and takes drugs on occasion. Something I new she left me for, but is accepting with him. He’s about 4 years younger than me and 2 than her.

I know they are talking about marriage one day and Children, and I just want our of this hole I’m in before these things happen. I’ve tired my upmost to move on but I walk around with a heavy heart and the cloud above my head is there every morning. 
 

i can’t date. Funny isn’t it? I’m free to have all the woman and partying I want now (if I can get a baby sitter of course, which I can) but I just don’t want any of it. I’ve flaked on a few dates because I just don’t want to be with anyone else. It’s like a curse. I dated at the start of our breakup but it felt so wrong. And I haven’t been able to do it since. 
 

it troubles me that she was able to move into someone else’s arms so easily. She’s told me a few weeks back why she left. And I understood it, all accept the part were she said she left to find herself. I don’t understand how you leave 8 years and fall straight back in love again. I suppose she got what she deserved, and me what I deserved.

i want to wake up happy again. I feel I’ve paid for my mistakes now and I want the fog to lift. I’ve tried everything - working out, meditating, Reconnecting with people and I still have the hole where my heart is. 
 

ive been hoping she will return, and we have spent time together as a family and I feel a spark there. Like when I first met her. She laughs and gets lost in the fun with us whilst she’s there, but then she goes back to her man and I guess I was hoping I was making progress and she would eventually come home. Maybe that will happen but how long should I invest for. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve loved her more since the day she left the I have for the last 4 years of our relationship. 

I see her now like I never have. It’s like I’ve had corrective eye surgery. I note how her her sits on a specific day. How her nails looks after she’s had them done. I notice her eyes look so green when the sun hits them. Literally all the things she wanted me to notice when we were together. Now I’m forced to see it all, and she’s making love with another man. I feel cursed,

I don’t know what else I can do. Not to get her back, but to feel happy and forgive myself. And forgive her to, because I really hate that someone replaced me so quickly and I hate her for it. I’ve been doing random acts of kindness recently, giving homeless money and helping people where I can because it makes me feel good. I’m hoping the world will have mercy on my and forgive my sins and enable me to forgive myself and her, and let me let go. 

I’ve got a huge roadblock on recovery and I just want it to be over. I can’t disconnect from this person but I wish I could. She’s always there. Seeing you’re ex’s phone number Ring you’re phone would drive most people craving reconciliation crazy, right? Well i can’t escape it. I have to talk to her, have to engage with her but i wish I could remove her from my life. 
 

i want to heal. It’s dragging me down. I’m not enjoying my daughter as much and I’m fully drained to the core and she reminds me so much of her mother. My emotions are crazy and the thoughts on my head drive  me insane. how can I escape? I’m a good person who made terrible choices and I want to stop punishing myself but I feel like this is my fate. A life sentence. And she’s a carrot on a string I cant hide from. 
 

I miss her and love her but I want my mental state to be neutral again so I can build from it. I'm suffering so much and I can’t see a way out. I will keep going though. 

thanks for listening.

[Sinful]

12 minutes ago, Walkingalone said:

It’s been 10 months since my relationship ended. I was unfaithful more than once, and the last time it led to my breakup 18 months afterwards. She’d had enough.

I feel for you @Walkingalone, but honestly I don't think it was an isolated case of cheating 2 years ago that drove her away. You said it was 18 months since the last cheating incident when she left you. It sounds to me like she just had enough of the relationship. With the drugs and the cheating, this wasn't a single incident that you can try and fix. This sounds like it was years of buildup of wrongs by your that finally drove her away. She may have ended it 10 months ago, but it sounds like it may have been over for her long before that.  

 

20 minutes ago, Walkingalone said:

it troubles me that she was able to move into someone else’s arms so easily. She’s told me a few weeks back why she left. And I understood it, all accept the part were she said she left to find herself. I don’t understand how you leave 8 years and fall straight back in love again. I suppose she got what she deserved, and me what I deserved.

I know it hurts that just 2 months later she finds someone else. After 3 years with me, my ex didn't wait 2 weeks before walking right into the arms of her AP. You guys were together for a long time so I know it's hard. But what have you been doing to better yourself over those past 10 months since the breakup? I think you need to get yourself fully recovered, and back on track, for YOU first and foremost. Stop trying to impress her and get better for you and your daughter.

[Walkingalone]

1 hour ago, Sinful said:

I feel for you @Walkingalone, but honestly I don't think it was an isolated case of cheating 2 years ago that drove her away. You said it was 18 months since the last cheating incident when she left you. It sounds to me like she just had enough of the relationship. With the drugs and the cheating, this wasn't a single incident that you can try and fix. This sounds like it was years of buildup of wrongs by your that finally drove her away. She may have ended it 10 months ago, but it sounds like it may have been over for her long before that.  

 

I know it hurts that just 2 months later she finds someone else. After 3 years with me, my ex didn't wait 2 weeks before walking right into the arms of her AP. You guys were together for a long time so I know it's hard. But what have you been doing to better yourself over those past 10 months since the breakup? I think you need to get yourself fully recovered, and back on track, for YOU first and foremost. Stop trying to impress her and get better for you and your daughter.

I completely agree with the fact she was over it before it ended. I know that’s the case and I accept that. 
I invest to much in her and I’ve been doing it to show her I’ve changed.

over the past 10 months I’ve thought long and hard about what I want. I’m deeply remorseful for my shortcomings.

like I said I’ve re connected with friends, worked on my body and mind. Worked hard on my daughter and my job. It’s shows. But I’m still deeply sad. I think the only thing left to do is cut the cord. Cut contact to a minimum. I did it for a month and felt much better moving forward but I’ve relapsed and I feel worse than I ever did. 
 

im sorry for you to my friend. I’m thanks for the input. Hope you’re well and healed 

[Supernova11]

On 2/28/2020 at 10:02 PM, preraph said:

And you must also realize nothing is ever the same as it was before after a big betrayal and loss of trust.  The trust does not ever really come back.

This. She’ll never be fully happy again with you. Leave her alone and let her have a chance of love with this other guy. Then you too can meet someone else and treat them well now that you’ve grown up too.

[assertives]

12 hours ago, Walkingalone said:

I was unfaithful more than once, and the last time it led to my breakup 18 months afterwards.

Like the other poster said, she was done way earlier than when she broke up with you. So, while you may think it's only been 2 months that she's replaced you, chances are, she was already grieving the relationship way earlier than that, and she probably grieved the relationship and died a little on the inside each time she found out you cheated on her.

12 hours ago, Walkingalone said:

I see her now like I never have. It’s like I’ve had corrective eye surgery. I note how her her sits on a specific day. How her nails looks after she’s had them done. I notice her eyes look so green when the sun hits them. Literally all the things she wanted me to notice when we were together. 

Coupled to that, she probably felt your distance and neglect and wanted your attention. I guess, to her, the relationship has run its course.. there isn't anything meaningful left to stay for and it's too much water under the bridge. Staying for kids is not a good reason to remain in a relationship that is no longer working for her. Forgive yourself, and don't hate her. Sounds like she has given a fair shot at your relationship, but ultimately, needed to do what's best for her. Perhaps, the timing in both your story with each other is off.. she loved and wanted you when you didn't want or love her, and now you love and want her when she no longer loves you that way.