Rape-induced PTSD, affairs and a failing marriage

[betrayed87]

Me (33) and my wife (28) have been together for six years and married since August 2017. We've had our share of difficulties before the wedding, mostly due to my wife's health issues (she's had a long streak of various EDs and Crohn's on top of that), but we've pulled through - and the 15 months that came after the wedding were the best time of my life; just going back home and unwinding in the evenings, having long conversations, playing games or watching Netflix, was a highlight of each day.

In November 2018 it all changed.

My wife went out with some newly met people. When she came home, she realized she forgot her keys; I was deep asleep and my phone was set to silent mode. So she went back to the flat of one of these people where the afterparty was happening and that very man has raped her.

I've tried my best to be helpful and supportive in the aftermath and it seemed like she was slowly recuperating. Then, shortly before Christmas 2018, she told me that she cheated on me with the same man who raped her - first trying to confront him, the second time out of her own free will. I knew from some of the reading I've done after the rape that rape-induced PTSD may lead to various ways of acting out sexually; I forgave her immediately.

Between Christmas 2018 and today we've been drifting further and further apart. The fact that she didn't want to spend time with me anymore was hurtful, but I didn't want to impose myself. The good times were few and far between. Sometimes she got abusive, trying to hurt herself, trying to hit me and our cats, calling me names. In the last couple of weeks the attacks got particularly nasty and she said she wants to divorce me. I've convinced her to go to counselling and, after some hesitation, she agreed (our first counselling session is still two weeks from now).

Then, last Monday, she told me once again that she wants the divorce; she said that she's been cheating on me with multiple men over the course of the year and that she wants to choke me to death. She said that she regrets her actions, but also that if she stayed, she will either keep on cheating on me or will hurt me physically in some way - and she considers the divorce to be an act of 'taking responsibility' for the cheating and the abuse.

I've been keeping conversations to a minimum since then, told her that I want to work on this, but on the counselling sessions; she's been trying to get closer, but I actually don't feel safe around her anymore. For the first time since we've met I feel like splitting may actually be the healthier option. I love her and I miss her dearly, but I don't know if we're even able to rebuild our marriage after everything that happened. I'm feeling hurt, betrayed, and, most of all, terribly, terribly confused.

 

[vla1120]

I'm sorry for what has brought you here to LS. Did your wife seeking any counseling after the rape? Some people are probably going to scoff at the idea that she went back and had sex with her rapist. However, I do know from my training and experience that this is not unheard of, along with other sexual deviant (or reckless) behavior (I'm sorry if that term sounds harsh, it's the correct terminology.)  Different people do have different experiences due to rape-induced PTSD. 

She really needs to speak to someone who specializes in this type of trauma. I believe the fact that you have a definitive before and after behavior indicates that she would benefit from therapy for the rape, and perhaps you could have your wife back. She really needs to seek this help as soon as possible. 

I want to add that what you are feeling is very normal and you would also benefit from your own therapy to help you navigate through this issue with your wife. 

 

Edited February 28, 2020 by vla1120

[mark clemson]

This is clearly a very difficult situation and not one I have experience with. Possibly the rape has triggered some underlying existing issues she already had, or possibly the distress of it is leading to major personality changes and/or mental illness.

I don't have specific advice for you. If it was me, my guess is that after giving it a genuine try to get her help with therapy I would give her what she appears to want and divorce. Particularly if there are threats of violence involved. It is unfortunate, but part of wisdom in life is recognizing when someone has problems that are above one's pay grade/beyond one's ability to fix. IMO, you have some serious thinking to do about what path you want to take here.

[betrayed87]

52 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

She really needs to speak to someone who specializes in this type of trauma. I believe the fact that you have a definitive before and after behavior indicates that she would benefit from therapy for the rape, and perhaps you could have your wife back. She really needs to seek this help as soon as possible. 

I want to add that what you are feeling is very normal and you would also benefit from your own therapy to help you navigate through this issue with your wife. 

 

She is in therapy, though from what she has said recently the therapy basically convinced her that she doesn't want to fight for this marriage anymore.

I'm currently in therapy too, started very recently.

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, betrayed87 said:

She is in therapy, though from what she has said recently the therapy basically convinced her that she doesn't want to fight for this marriage anymore.

I'm currently in therapy too, started very recently.

Well, not all therapists work for everyone and I question whether this person is a good therapist for her specific needs. I would think therapy would help her address her anger issues with you, the cats, etc. I wonder whether her therapist is even aware of these angry, abusive outbursts? Her outcome from therapy is disappointing, at best. Is this therapist someone who specializes in rape-induced PTSD? Does your wife not recognize that therapy is not helping her? I wonder if she's using that as an excuse to give up on her marriage (that the therapist basically convinced her not to fight for her marriage.)

I am glad you started therapy. I think at this point, you need to do what is best for you and keep yourself (and your cats) safe. If she's that determined to divorce you, it might help you to realize she's not the person you married and, while it would be nice to have that wife back, you cannot hang around and risk your own safety on the chance she will see a favorable outcome from therapy. Again, I am really sorry you find yourself in this position.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, betrayed87 said:

Sometimes she got abusive, trying to hurt herself, trying to hit me and our cats, calling me names.

Get yourself out of there, give her the divorce is my advice
BUT if you can't go then at least get your cats out of there, they do not deserve to be hit and abused by her.

 

[schlumpy]

Do you have any evidence that she has cheated on you with multiple men? Ask her to do a timeline that you can check.

Why is the rapist not being charged?

One last thing - You don't have the truth yet.

[preraph]

I'm sorry.  This sounds very traumatic.  Yes, it's possible she is trying to "make it not a rape" by retroactively making it something more normal.  It's sad, but even children of abuse do that later in life, choosing bad men and trying to "fix it" like they wish they could have fixed their dad.  

 

The main important thing is she gets into counseling with someone who knows rape counseling.  Don't do anything too permanent until she's given that a shot, but move out if you want and then see what happens during counseling.  

[basil67]

6 hours ago, betrayed87 said:

Sometimes she got abusive, trying to hurt herself, trying to hit me and our cats, calling me names. ....she wants to choke me to death.

She's a danger to herself and others.   At this point, I'd be doing my best get her detained in a mental health unit to get the help she needs.  

[betrayed87]

12 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Do you have any evidence that she has cheated on you with multiple men? Ask her to do a timeline that you can check.

Why is the rapist not being charged?

I don't have evidence, only her own words.

As for the rapist not being charged: she refused to go to the police after the rape.

[schlumpy]

38 minutes ago, betrayed87 said:

I don't have evidence, only her own words.

As for the rapist not being charged: she refused to go to the police after the rape.

Without any evidence of infidelity I think you have consider that her confession was false and only designed to get you to agree to divorce.

If she wouldn't go to the police then it wasn't rape as legally defined. 

This has to leave you up in the clouds floating around wondering what is next.

The abrupt change in her personality can be dealt with in three ways. The first one being a thorough medical checkup looking for an organic illness. Your second choice is therapy for her and later on for both of you if she will come around.

Your third choice is to get out of Dodge. Believe her when she says she want's a divorce and does not love you any longer. In association with this I would be attempting to discover all I could about the "new people" she was associating with either through a private detective or snooping on your wife through phone texts, emails, key logger programs, and the use of a voice activated recorder that might catch her phone conversations. 

How you use that information is up to you. You can never know too much when something like this happens because you want to make the right choices and make sure the blame is placed where it needs to be. 

I don't think she's telling you real reason she wants out but then again what does it matter except to you? She wants out and that's all that counts. All the drama is to keep you off balance and it's working. You are confused.

It was very kind of you to forgive her right away for her confessed indiscretion but it was the wrong thing to do considering you don't know what you are forgiving. All you did was give her license to continue. She now has the power in the relationship.

Take it back.

 

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm married to someone going through PTSD therapy, but for a different cause than your wife.
My husband and I got together, and he also goes on his own for EMDR therapy. From what the counsellor told us, it can take a long time to get results, and he's going way back to find out why he's reacting the way he is.

If your wife is telling you that she's being promiscuous and wants to hurt you, take her at her word. That actually shows a fair level of self knowledge. It's also going to take a huge amount of her mental energy to come back from this, so much so that she may not have any left for you.
I love my husband, and we've been together a long time. I've chosen to stay with him. I can't advise you to do the same. It's really hard, people get angry and there's nothing nice about walking on egg shells all the time.

[oldtruck]

was this rape reported to the police?

 

[pepperbird]

29 minutes ago, oldtruck said:

was this rape reported to the police?

 

if she reports it, it may help her to get back her sense of power. this being said, an awful lot of women and men who are raped choose to not report it and suffer in silence.

[betrayed87]

It wasn't. I encouraged her to do so, but she didn't want to report it.

[pepperbird]

22 hours ago, betrayed87 said:

It wasn't. I encouraged her to do so, but she didn't want to report it.

To be fair, I can;t blame her. reporting rape is no picnic. one end ups having to relive the experience.

[elaine567]

Even if she did report it, there is no guarantee of "justice".
I guess the fact she willingly cheated with him afterwards will not do her case much good either...

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Even if she did report it, there is no guarantee of "justice".
I guess the fact she willingly cheated with him afterwards will not do her case much good either...

yeah, i don't understand that either.

[justwhoiam]

It looks like she fed you with the rape lie, but she was seeing this man before and after that night. Who knows why she did. Maybe she was scared of a possible pregnancy and came up with that. Or it was a good way to keep you distant and not ask for sex while she was having sex with another man. And it makes sense that she didn't want to report it, because the police would have found out the truth. Maybe there are pictures and videos with this man, you have no idea what could come up from it.

But then she couldn't bear the lie anymore, because more and more lies were needed and it became unsustainable. And she finally told you the truth.

Maybe she has split personality. Whatever the case, the picture I painted above is plausible, as much as the one you painted.

Check for STDs.

[basil67]

On 2/29/2020 at 10:16 PM, schlumpy said:

If she wouldn't go to the police then it wasn't rape as legally defined. 

Wait....what?  Rape is only deemed to be rape if it's reported?  I'm having trouble getting my head around this law.

[betrayed87]

7 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

It looks like she fed you with the rape lie, but she was seeing this man before and after that night. Who knows why she did. Maybe she was scared of a possible pregnancy and came up with that. Or it was a good way to keep you distant and not ask for sex while she was having sex with another man. And it makes sense that she didn't want to report it, because the police would have found out the truth. Maybe there are pictures and videos with this man, you have no idea what could come up from it.

But then she couldn't bear the lie anymore, because more and more lies were needed and it became unsustainable. And she finally told you the truth.

Maybe she has split personality. Whatever the case, the picture I painted above is plausible, as much as the one you painted.

Check for STDs.

The first thing that happened the morning after the rape was I got a call from her, met her at a local crisis intervention center and talked with the psychologist who she was talking to before my arrival. I went to the gynecologist office with her after that. You know that there are major differences in the clinical picture between a rape victim and someone who engaged in a consensual sex, regardless how rough it was?

However angry and disappointed I am with her right now, I find your attempt to question the rape charge downright revolting. No, her being the victim then doesn't excuse the infidelity - and at the same time being the cheater and abuser doesn't negate the fact that she was a rape victim.

[schlumpy]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Wait....what?  Rape is only deemed to be rape if it's reported?  I'm having trouble getting my head around this law.

If you can't prove it in front of a judge then it's hearsay and has no legal ramifications for the perp. It certainly doesn't mean it didn't happen. The only evidence available is what she said and I don't view her as a reliable witness considering her demonstrated lack of stability. 

I shouldn't have to explain this Basil. You are very bright young women.

 

[justwhoiam]

1 hour ago, betrayed87 said:

The first thing that happened the morning after the rape was I got a call from her, met her at a local crisis intervention center and talked with the psychologist who she was talking to before my arrival. I went to the gynecologist office with her after that. You know that there are major differences in the clinical picture between a rape victim and someone who engaged in a consensual sex, regardless how rough it was?

However angry and disappointed I am with her right now, I find your attempt to question the rape charge downright revolting.

As painful as it is, it's something you should not rule out. According to several studies, fabricated stories of rape (or fake rape) are 5 to 8% on average, but truth only emerges when investigated. Her story was not investigated, so you will remain with the doubt (though she told you to your face that she made it up).

This is just an example of research: ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5775371

Edited March 2, 2020 by justwhoiam

[oldtruck]

On 2/29/2020 at 1:34 PM, betrayed87 said:

It wasn't. I encouraged her to do so, but she didn't want to report it.

alleged rape, she could be lying, red flag is she continued to have sex with this

OM after the alleged rape.

[elaine567]

On 2/28/2020 at 4:04 PM, betrayed87 said:

she's had a long streak of various EDs and Crohn's on top of that

"EDs"?