Atwood Posted March 2, 2020 Share Posted March 2, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: "EDs"? I'm assuming the OP is referring to eating disorders, but I could be wrong. OP, I'm so sorry you've been through such a horrific experience and very sorry your wife has been through so much trauma. I really admire how supportive you are of your wife and how thoughtfully you're dealing with her mental health. It's made me tear up because so many people are dismissive of those experiences and very few people manage to understand the impact it can have. Dealing with trauma like that makes you into a different person, and from what I've learned about myself in my own recovery is that intimacy with loved ones is a huge trigger. I can manage small triggers throughout the day, but when I come home to my partner and have to deal with the overwhelming tidal wave of fire alarms going off in my head, it's extremely difficult to behave rationally. Therapy is absolutely essential for recovery, for both of you. It's not uncommon for people with C/PTSD to give their partners C/PTSD as well. I highly recommend watching some videos by Richard Grannon on YouTube, he really breaks it down and makes it much easier to understand. People with C/PTSD can become abusive and violent because of the experiences they've been through, and whilst we can break down and understand why that's happening, it doesn't mean we have to put up with it. I wish you all the best. Just know that you are in control and that the reason you are with this person is because you are choosing to be. You are allowed to leave if you need to whether that's tomorrow or a decade from now. I highly encourage you not to enter into debate with people who question the legitimacy of the rape or why she continued to have sex with her rapist. Literally nobody should be making definitive decisions about those things unless they're medical professionals who are treating your wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 2, 2020 Share Posted March 2, 2020 9 hours ago, schlumpy said: If you can't prove it in front of a judge then it's hearsay and has no legal ramifications for the perp. It certainly doesn't mean it didn't happen. The only evidence available is what she said and I don't view her as a reliable witness considering her demonstrated lack of stability. I shouldn't have to explain this Basil. You are very bright young women. Not a young woman schlumpy What you've said now makes sense....and is a far cry from "If she wouldn't go to the police then it wasn't rape as legally defined". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 2, 2020 Share Posted March 2, 2020 She has told you she wants to divorce you and is sleeping around. I think if it was me I'd ask her if it was just out of guilt from the rape or if it was really true - does she really want a divorce? If so, then you should believe her and 'set her free'. I'm sorry, but it seems alot to come back from if she says she wants to hurt you. I'm sorry for both her and you but you have to go into self preservation mode at some point. That point seems like it may be immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) On 3/2/2020 at 7:01 AM, justwhoiam said: As painful as it is, it's something you should not rule out. According to several studies, fabricated stories of rape (or fake rape) are 5 to 8% on average, but truth only emerges when investigated. Her story was not investigated, so you will remain with the doubt (though she told you to your face that she made it up). This is just an example of research: ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5775371 It also happens that women have relationships with their rapists after the rape. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/04/opinion/rape-friend-sexual-assault.html That does not mean she was not raped. Edited March 3, 2020 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
Author betrayed87 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 Yesterday she went out and sent me a text, saying "I'm sorry; I will come back home tomorrow". I replied that if she doesn't come back home for the night, she can pack her things. We've talked in the morning. It's funny how I assumed some things about her infidelity: that it was with multiple partners and that they were male, even though she haven't said that. Turns out, for over a year now she was having an affair with another woman. She always considered herself bisexual, but I didn't think much about it - yet according to her therapist, in the aftermath of the rape any attraction toward men has been shut down. We've agreed to stay put for the next two weeks as we already had a counselling session scheduled for 27th of March. We'll talk for the first time then and see where that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Hmmm. While that certainly adds a layer to this, to my mind it just means you can't trust this woman period. Rape or no. She's been cheating on you for a year, she's now openly cheating on you. What else might there be she's keeping from you? Who knows. You're an adult and will make your own decisions. Speaking for myself, I'd be out of there tomorrow unless I was genuinely interested in an open marriage and/or swinging. Even in that case, I'd never see how I could trust her again, so I'd probably bail and find someone more ethical to do it with. Open marriages and the like require a LOT of trust and communication. Secrecy and lies are what you've received so far... Link to post Share on other sites
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