enchanted771 Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 The guy I was with totally disrespected me and I did not forgive him..got all my stuff from his house. You could say it was a toxic toxic relationship where he did not make me feel wanted or loved...maybe 25% of the time...he would give me enough breadcrumbs so I would stick around...he is an alcoholic in denial (highly functioning)...I let him go and I found myself texting him again today...I feel so pathetic and dumb! He got laid off on Wednesday...he’s now hanging with his alcoholic friend who is supposedly getting him work. He has been in meetings which is really him hanging with his friend, because he will buy him lunch and endless alcohol. He didn’t tell me but I know from past experience. Before he got this last job, he was with him all the time in business meetings and I later found out what it entailed. I have to stay away but I seriously feel out of control..I’m going to ab al-anon meeting ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 It's tough when your head & your heart disagree. You know he's bad news but there is something about him that keeps drawing you in. You have to listen to your head on this one but be gentle on yourself when you slip & reach out. I'm glad you are going to an Al-Anon meeting. That will help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 No reason to voluntarily subject yourself to this, you know that. Glad you're doing Al-Anon. Get out while you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) Hey OP, I am sorry you are going through this. 2 hours ago, enchanted771 said: The guy I was with totally disrespected me and I did not forgive him..got all my stuff from his house. You could say it was a toxic toxic relationship where he did not make me feel wanted or loved...maybe 25% of the time...he would give me enough breadcrumbs so I would stick around...he is an alcoholic in denial (highly functioning)...I let him go and I found myself texting him again today...I feel so pathetic and dumb! He got laid off on Wednesday...he’s now hanging with his alcoholic friend who is supposedly getting him work. He has been in meetings which is really him hanging with his friend, because he will buy him lunch and endless alcohol. He didn’t tell me but I know from past experience. Before he got this last job, he was with him all the time in business meetings and I later found out what it entailed. I have to stay away but I seriously feel out of control..I’m going to ab al-anon meeting ASAP. You want him and care for him but he's hurting you because he's not taking care of himself. You won't be able to make him take care of himself because its ultimately up to him to make that decision and take the steps to do it. Don't make the mistake of thinking he'll change for you or he'll change once you leave. You shouldn't be the reason he should change. He should be changing for himself. You just mourn who you wished he could be but who he is, is someone who has some issues he's got to work through on his own. This is just you wrestling with guilt, doubt and a bit of anxiety. If you return, it won't be because you want to be with him. It'll be because you feel weak and leaving is too hard. Ultimately, you want out. First step is get him out of sight, out of mind. Pull him off of social media. Block. Then delete his number. You can write it down on a sheet of paper and tuck it away someplace where you won't see it if completely getting rid of it is difficult. Also, if you have gifts or things of his that are within sight..you need to box it and get it out of sight. Next step, use this thread and the "No-Contact thread under the Coping section of this forum whenever you feel like you need to text him. Something else you can do is write in a notebook what you want to say to him or compose it through email but do not send. Additionally, begin making a list of all the reasons why you are leaving the relationship. Why the relationship wasn't right for you and also his faults. Negative reinforcement will help get you passed those states when you feel weak and want to return to him. This is all you have to do for now. Your condition will improve with time but expect it will take time and taking care of yourself to get there. Stay strong. - Beach Edited February 28, 2020 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted February 29, 2020 Author Share Posted February 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Beachead said: You want him and care for him but he's hurting you because he's not taking care of himself. What’s interesting is I realize that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else...but to hurt them? I will never understand Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 56 minutes ago, enchanted771 said: What’s interesting is I realize that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else...but to hurt them? I will never understand Took me a long time to understand this myself. You are showing love to yourself by acknowledging this situation is not good for your life and your mental-health and you took the step you needed to take, because you do care about your future and where you end up. He must learn to do the same but that's his journey. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted February 29, 2020 Author Share Posted February 29, 2020 15 hours ago, Beachead said: Took me a long time to understand this myself. You are showing love to yourself by acknowledging this situation is not good for your life and your mental-health and you took the step you needed to take, because you do care about your future and where you end up. He must learn to do the same but that's his journey. - Beach He talks a good one...but not my problem..I wasted so much time and energy on him. He wanted to “change” as a result, I neglected everything and now I need to get myself out of a bad predicament..lesson learned though. I even tried being “friends” with him, but then I realized that he doesn’t place female friends on the same spectrum as male friends..his boys are his priority. He is a masoginist with mommy issues, so he does not respect women..even if I continued to drink with him, it wouldn’t matter. He might behave for a while, but it will always be the same outcome because he has no respect for women 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 1, 2020 Share Posted March 1, 2020 On 2/29/2020 at 11:50 AM, enchanted771 said: He might behave for a while, but it will always be the same outcome because he has no respect for women OP, Sorry to hear about your pain and your struggles. But it sounds like you hit the nail on the head with this what. Given your post and your responses to others' comments, I would suggest that you write an email to yourself, or type something up and send it to your phone so you always have it available. Write some stuff about why he's no good and why you deserve better. It's natural to miss someone when they've been an integral part of your life. The "work" to be done as others like Beachead have said - is to recognize him for who he is and to keep repeating you deserve better till your ego and your inner child come along to the same realization. Since my last break up it's been amazing to realize how much my little dude has hard time letting people go once he thinks he likes them - no matter what they so or do. So the adult me needs to be loving and gentle and help him realize we both deserve better. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 1, 2020 Share Posted March 1, 2020 DO the step (all of the steps) work in al Anon. thats when things will change for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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