staying calm during professional conflict

[lindya]

I had a meeting with a woman today who is a notorious bitch of the first order. I don't work in the same organisation as her, but will have to encounter her on a regular basis for the next while.

 

She lived up to her reputation of being unspeakably vile and impervious to the notion of professional courtesy. Sugary sweet to the men at the meeting, blatantly hostile to me. She met my "good morning" with a gaze of pure hostility, then spent the whole meeting attempting to humiliate me. She wasn't even doing it in a bitchy, passive-aggressive way. It was blatant war-mongering! That probably sounds a bit strange, but my job involves a certain degree of conflict at times, and that conflict has to play out at meetings such as this. It's not supposed to be conducted on that sort of personalised level, but there will always be people who do take that approach

 

As she's known to be a nasty character, my intended strategy had been to be poised and polite but to stand my ground. I managed to sustain that approach for all of about 45 seconds. She became red in the face and her voice started to shake with rage. When I responded, I found myself unable to avoid doing the same thing. It was physically impossible not to, so this already hostile atmosphere turned into something like a psychological warzone. I felt like a complete idiot. The only small comfort was that she also came out of it looking like an idiot...but I think I fared worse.

 

Anyway, I discussed it with my boss afterwards, and was told that it will probably take a number of encounters with this woman before I manage to maintain my poise during meetings. She's well known to be a bully, and her tactics have resulted in more than one person switching to another area of work so that they don't have to encounter her again. Until I can recover my poise in her presence, my boss has advised, I should continue with the hostile response rather than to caving in to her.

 

All well and good, but I still feel really tense and sick right now, and I really don't want to have to put up with these feelings every time I have to meet the creature. I have to be prepared to be confrontational with her so the "killing with kindness" approach really isn't appropriate.

 

I'm usually reasonably okay at diffusing aggression without caving in, but my usual strategies just weren't effective today. She's not going to change or sweeten up, so I think my emphasis has to be on being able to stay as calm as possible and reduce the physical and verbal shakiness that everyone could see today. I tried deep breathing during the meeting, and kept telling myself "focused and calm, focused and calm" - but nothing eased those wobbly, sick and angry feelings. After the meeting I really felt like walking out on the street and screaming out a string of expletives.

 

Can anyone give me tips on how to recover my poise as quickly as possible? Whether I like it or not, this woman is going to be part of my professional life for the next while, and I think I'm going to need to strengthen my psychological defences to cope.

[slubberdegullion]

Haven't we all run in to someone who has no self-control at times? The only thing different here is that it's supposed to be a professional atmosphere but she's turning it into a distinctly non-professional meeting.

 

A couple of hints that may help:

1. Stay focused on the facts. Disregard her emotion outbursts as tactics, because they are. She's blowing smoke. Stay focused on task;
   
2. She's that way because it worked for her in the past. By responding in kind, you're only trying to beat her at her own game, which probably won't work because she's had so much practice. Refuse to play by her rules. If/when she gets all frothing at the mouth again, tell her, "I will not speak to you when you are like this. I'll be back in five minutes" and excuse yourself. If, when you come back, she's still irrational, you may try, "Clearly you are not getting the message. I will not work with you while you are like this. I'll be back in five minutes" then excuse yourself again. If she STILL insists on bouncing off the walls, close the meeting with the understanding that you are not to meet again until you can get an assurance from her that she is willing to discuss the issue rationally;
   
3. Staying calm in a situation like this is much easier said than done. You may try to practice first. If you have a friend or other confidant that you can role play with, you may be able to better manage her outbursts;
   
4. Lastly, if you know you'll be meeting her, avoid coffee or any caffeine drink, as it will only make you jittery.
   

Remember, this is about her trying to control the situation by being the loudest and most obnoxious person there.

 

I feel sorry for her, in a sense, because if that's the only way she can get people to pay attention to her, she's obviously had one helluva childhood.

 

or, of course, just smoke a doob first

[Blackfrost]

I wish I could help you out, but I suffer from the same instant hot rage when someone calls me on something that they are entirely uneducated about, but do so in a condescending manner. Granted I am willing to listen and sometimes adapt to others interpretations of how they view a current professional crisis, but I can also be somewhat easily pushed into a reactive / defensive stance if enough buttons are pushed. One interesting individual that I used to work for, enjoyed baiting me to see how I would react - that taught me alot about how to spot those that like to cause fires, where there are no fires, just to have drama. Granted I'm getting better at managing this, but ultimately I can still ocassionally swing into the "keep pushing me, and you're going to cross over into a very dangerous area for yourself."

 

I think for me, it spawns from growing up in a defensive and hostile home environment my entire life. Non stop manipulation and battery do not a child grow into a well adjusted adult.

[lindya]

Thanks guys. Slubberdegullion, I definitely agree with the no-caffeine tip. I didn't have any before the meeting, but I've had some since - and it's not helping too much.

 

Her approach is definitely tactical, but I think she probably has personal issues too. Psychologically, I know how I should be handling this. I'm normally pretty good at staying calm with aggressive people and bringing a more reasonable side out. Not the case here, because this woman really doesn't want to calm down, and is clearly getting off on what she does. I wouldn't choose to play her at her own game, as I despise it...but the extent to which I despise it is part of what's bringing out these physical reactions, I think. Resulting in me mirroring her despicable behaviour

 

I just want to be able to maintain my physical poise in that situation. Stay cool, professional and avoid reflecting hostility. That's the goal, but I need to find some way of getting there. Perhaps next time I'll negotiate a bit of time off beforehand so that I can swim 20 lengths, have a sauna and hopefully get rid of every bit of adrenalin in my system before I have my encounter with her!

 

s***, Blackfrost. Sounds like you had a few things to cope with when you were growing up Sounds like, the odd bout of hot rage notwithstanding, you've come through it pretty well.

[slubberdegullion]

...Perhaps next time I'll negotiate a bit of time off beforehand so that I can swim 20 lengths, have a sauna and hopefully get rid of every bit of adrenalin in my system before I have my encounter with her!...

Excellent idea. You're fortunate in that you at least have that option. Most people don't. Obviously she doesn't either.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted!

[lilmoma1973]

Have you ever heard that saying "You can kill more flies with honey" I know that is easier said than done .. Maybe if you let her know she isn't getting the best of you she won't be so mean !! Good luck hope everything goes ok:)

[lindya]

Have you ever heard that saying "You can kill more flies with honey" I know that is easier said than done .. Maybe if you let her know she isn't getting the best of you she won't be so mean !! Good luck hope everything goes ok:)

 

Thanks lilmoma This one would trap me in my own honey in a split second if I tried that. She has more professional experience than me, and if she wanted to switch to a saccharine-based attack there's no doubt that she'd be far more adept at it than I would be.

 

What I don't think she's capable of is a calm, reasoned and mature approach...so my guess is that she goes for the jugular with anyone who does try to adopt that line - presumably because she knows it makes her look bad in comparison. She wants to throw her opponents completely off poise, and I suppose she feels she has to resort to open aggression in order to do that. God rot her soul

[lilmoma1973]

Your so welcome!!! I feel that she is intimedated by you even though you don't have much expierence maybe your boss have been boasting on you and she feel that you are a threat .. Good luck

[ReluctantRomeo]

Phew, sounds bad.

 

Hope it goes well today, Lindya.

[lindya]

Phew, sounds bad.

 

Hope it goes well today, Lindya.

 

Ha! Well, we've had a brief chat. Won't go into details just in case she's also a LS surfer (somehow I can't really picture it, but you never know!)

 

Suffice to say I may have made a lifelong professional foe, but then again I'm sure anyone who doesn't kiss her portly ass and thank her for allowing them the honour of doing so is quickly identified as an arch enemy.

 

I am....calm and poised. Calm and poised

 

(AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!)

[megabit15]

I wouldn't choose to play her at her own game, as I despise it...but the extent to which I despise it is part of what's bringing out these physical reactions, I think. Resulting in me mirroring her despicable behaviour

 

I just want to be able to maintain my physical poise in that situation. Stay cool, professional and avoid reflecting hostility. That's the goal, but I need to find some way of getting there. Perhaps next time I'll negotiate a bit of time off beforehand so that I can swim 20 lengths, have a sauna and hopefully get rid of every bit of adrenalin in my system before I have my encounter with her!

 

Wow Ms. Lindya - she does sound like a nightmare!! Sorry you have to do this, but you're going to gain very valuable experience. Those who push our buttons are our greatest teachers.

 

You're right about not trying her game - she's much more experienced at it, has a natural talent for it (that *thank god* you do not!!) and therefore will beat you at it every time. Play by your rules. At least you have your boss's backing and everyone in the room knows it's not about you.

 

I agree - our emotions trigger the physical response. The best thing to do is to keep breathing, detach emotionally and stretch when you feel yourself getting tense.

 

A little post it note used as a cheatsheet (in code so no one else knows about it) can remind you to keep breathing.

 

To detach, go into the witness mode - just watch her and everyone else without caring how moronic she treats anyone. Her behaviour has nothing to do with you in any way, and there are many people and things besides her in the room. "She's wearing a yellow dress. He's got a notebook. Oh look, she's scowling and turning blue - really makes a funny wrinkle that I never noticed. I never noticed the picture of the x on the wall. Nice presentation, good point. My neck muscles are starting to feel stiff. I am holding my breath.", etc. You can agree with anyone when they've got a good point. After all, she isn't the only one in the room! Just steer the conversation back to the topic - easy to do when you're there as a detached observer. What do you care if she is rude and makes a fool of herself?

 

Of course, it helps if you go into the meeting prepared with notes to answer questions you are responsible to answer. Notes will help you to get back on track when the focus gets off of the topic at hand.

 

As someone else suggested, a break when you get off track can help. Just say you need a break - then go to the ladies room, breathe, stretch your neck and shoulders, and (did I say) breathe. It will calm and re-center you. Stretching and breathing removes the blocked physical energy triggered by your emotions.

 

The no caffeine idea is verrryy good too

[ReluctantRomeo]

Suffice to say I may have made a lifelong professional foe,

 

Well, if it's any consolation, she probably doesn't have time to chase all the lifelong professional foes she has already made. And they'll probably gang up on her one of these days...

[lindya]

Wow Ms. Lindya - she does sound like a nightmare!! Sorry you have to do this, but you're going to gain very valuable experience. Those who push our buttons are our greatest teachers.

 

You are so right Megabit! I'm quite small and quietly spoken, so these types do tend to think that I'll be a soft target - and I have learned an awful lot through my encounters with them. By the time I'm finished dealing with this one, I'll be ready to negotiate peace in the Middle East!"

 

I think the bottom line here is that whilst I'm well used to standing up to men who try to intimidate me, I'm less used to other women doing it - and I found this conflict really bitchy and personalised. I felt furious for letting myself be drawn into a sort of public cat fight. Unprofessional, and like being 14 again. Maybe the woman concerned just watches too much tv and feels she needs more drama in her life.

 

Anyway, I like your idea about finding something visual to focus on. Also, I'm thinking that if she's got a hang up about other women, then perhaps I should act more like a man when I'm in a meeting with her. Next time, I'll just spend the whole meeting staring at her tits

[megabit15]

.....then perhaps I should act more like a man when I'm in a meeting with her. Next time, I'll just spend the whole meeting staring at her tits

 

:lmao: OMG that is so funny! Then we'd have to agree that men DO like b1tches better! :lmao:

[lindya]

Well, if it's any consolation, she probably doesn't have time to chase all the lifelong professional foes she has already made. And they'll probably gang up on her one of these days...

 

There is that. I've spoken to a couple of people who say they get into screaming matches with her on a fairly regular basis. I'd better purchase a megaphone.

[slubberdegullion]

I seem to recall that a lawyer friend of mine once had a saying. It went something like;

When your client is in the right, you stay calm and focused. But when your client is wrong/guilty, make as much noise as you can to cause disruption and confusion.

Now, that may or may not make sense given the situation, but I still cannot see how anyone can take a person seriously who's all red in the face, frothing at the mouth and shakes like a nervous Chihuahua. I wouldn't be able to stop giggling!

[ReluctantRomeo]

but I still cannot see how anyone can take a person seriously who's all red in the face, frothing at the mouth and shakes like a nervous Chihuahua.

 

Depends what they can do to you.

[lindya]

In loyalty to the the gods of honesty, the one who was reddest and most nervously chihuahua like yesterday was most probably me. She's an old hand at demonstrating controlled rage, I think.

 

Never mind. I came away from today's phone call with bits of her ankle in my teeth.

[slubberdegullion]

Don't forget to floss.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Never mind. I came away from today's phone call with bits of her ankle in my teeth.

 

Next time, aim higher

[lindya]

Next time, aim higher

 

Not too much higher

[ReluctantRomeo]

Not too much higher

 

Get a set of false teeth. You know, the springloaded ones. Heavily springloaded

[lindya]

Get a set of false teeth. You know, the springloaded ones. Heavily springloaded

 

That's conjured up a funnier image than you can know. I've now got a mental picture of what will happen at our next meeting. For full effect, I'll arrange for the false teeth to include a set of Dracula fangs.

[ReluctantRomeo]

That's conjured up a funnier image than you can know.

 

Not the vibrating teeth again... you really must give up on this one

[lindya]

Not the vibrating teeth again... you really must give up on this one

 

Have I mentioned vibrating teeth before? I can't remember! The weekend brain drain process is already well underway.