looking for peace and hope, wish for kindness and good wishes

[smilec]

I’ve been reading here for a while.  I’ve thought of posting but it’s all more than I can explain.  I thought I could try.  I can’t sort out my thoughts.  Feel so desperate and like I’m losing my mind.  I have been with my husband since I was 19.  We have 3 children, all of whom are grown now and our daughter is expecting.  Only 2 of the 3 children live at home now and both of them are of legal age.  My youngest has had a troubled life starting with a traumatic premature home birth and continuing through school.  He’s only gotten to junior high so far.  We thought we found an alternative school that was working for him but with so much moving and chaos always surrounding him it hasn’t been his priority. 

In the beginning my husband’s problem was drinking.  Then it was a friend who did crack, but I doubt he abstained.  Then it was cocaine.  Then it was pills.  All along there were huge flights, drug-filled rages from his side, angry blowouts from mine at his lies and disappearing.  He’d cry and promise to be clean, swear he needed my help, wanted me at his side.  Things would be calm for a while, you never know if it will be a day or week or month or more.  One day when he calls you can hear it in his voice; but my heart knows before we even speak.  All of a sudden Dr. Jeckyll or Mr. Hyde (I don’t know which one was bad?) takes over; he’s like a different person.  He’s broke up with me 1,000,000 times, says the meanest things you could imagine and then acts like nothing happened.  “They are just words” he says.  I’m causing trouble and drama living in the past bringing up his actions and how they hurt me. 

When the babies were small (2001) and he hit me he had the police on his side; let him go to the basement, he won’t bother you, they said.  Nevermind that he just peed on the couch and is hurting you he deserves to be here, he’s on the lease.  That was one of the first breaks.  I never told him he’s not allowed to drink, I won’t be that person, I’ve always said if you choose to drink or use I Can’t be with you.  It’s not safe and too scary.  The next time the police had to come (2008), they took him away to re-hab instead of jail but that didn’t last even a day.  He phoned home and said he was leaving and I could come get him or wonder what happened to him because he was leaving. 

Now I don’t think the police will help or care and I’m scared.  He threw me off the couch this past summer and I landed on my shoulder and it hurt for 6 months at least.  I lied to everyone about what happened.  I hate myself for lying.  I hate myself for allowing him to hurt me and not leaving.  But I can’t afford our apartment without him.  I can’t move without him.  Worst of all I love him so much and only want him to be his self, I was sure his real self is the loving one but now I don’t know.  I feel like I’m caught on every side. 

So he’s started cocaine and pills again.  In desperation I turned to and believe MM.  He was a lawyer at the first firm I got a job at.  We’ve always had a connection we’ve fought.  We have had an on and off affair throughout.  I have moved and left job after job because of the stress and havoc my husband and MM cause.  His adoration is so soothing and there is chemistry between us that can’t be denied or matched.  At different times I have reached out for help with legal situations loved one’s have had arise.  He shows up, he calls, he emails.  He spent all year wanting to come to my house, proposing, trying to convince me, and when I finally give in, of course, he changes his mind.  I can see manipulation in his lies, the prize he dangles, you have no idea how close I am, I want to be with you always, I would be the best for you.  His words always sound so good I forget that’s his job, being good with words and convincing people he’s right.  When I finally believe, he takes off and always has.  Recently I realized and was very depressed to think 10 years ago he was nicknamed carribean boy by my lady coworkers because he was always off on vacation.  Nothing has changed except the new coworkers I don’t share anything with now. 

I find they talked to each other; after my MM asked if I wanted help talking to my H.  I said NO and was horrified but find they spoke anyway and MM told my H I meant nothing, he wants nothing to do with me.  I’ve received 1000s of emails that say otherwise. 

But none of that matters or feels real when they both want to ignore me.  I have tried no contact so many times and recently Christmas but he will send fishing messages and say he’s hurt and sorry and why I am punishing him.  I tried to explain no contact = no new hurt.  I feel so alone and have tried so hard.  I just want a calm and happy life and yes love with someone who wants me as much as I want them.  I want to not care about both of them.  I’m scared to be alone and mad and hurt and so fed up.  Please help me have strength and hope. 

[BaileyB]

Does your work have an employee assistance plan? Have you ever seen a counsellor? What about visiting a women’s shelter.

I’m sorry that you are hurting, but you are raising your children in an abusive home with an alcoholic and drug addicted father. Further to that, you are adding kindling to the fire by engaging in an affair. 

I don’t say this to make you feel badly, truly. I urge you to see the danger you are in, and the danger in which you put your children by staying in this marriage. 

Do you have family, friends, anyone with whom you can ask for assistance? A place to go? Have you ever reached out to anyone? The time to develop an exit plan is now. It’s time to find some support and get your children to safety. 

[BaileyB]

Sorry, I just reread your post and realized that your children are young adults. Frankly, I’m amazed that they chose to stay in the home. I still think it’s time to explore an exit strategy. I’m very concerned for your physical and emotional well being.

[smilec]

Thank you Bailey.  I will be okay.  I've really appreciated your kind observations and advice on other posts. We do have an employee family assistance program at work. It's so embarrassing and shameful and easier to ignore until you cant.  Long ago I've seen a therapist and attended alanon and have been looking online thinking of trying again.

My kids although grown are and always have been my reason and ability to keep going. 1 has moved out but keeps in constant contact and we see her a lot. I am amazed and grateful the others are still here too. We try to be positive and hopeful.

I'm not in the A now. We've never even slept together but have done other stuff. That was being saved for when we were real. A few years ago he had me questioning myself as he turned it around on me aren't we real if this isn't real I don't know what is like it was an amount of love not legitimateness of relationship. Not to do it he still insists we should save it and will have our time and he's so close to ready going to walk out with or without a fight. But obviously that's never going to happen and is only a hot-cold game I cant keep playing.
In January my h left for 2 weeks. I told him to go but it wasn't really what I wanted, just for him to stop using, stop being mean. He says I threw him out. He showed up on his birthday weekend I was pleased he didnt seem to be high and wanted to see us. He took that as he could come back and everything is fine. Its really not.  He says if I have problem do something about it.  
I dont know if I can delete this or not I guess I do already know what I need to do I just dont want to which makes it harder.

Sending love and peace to everyone hoping you have a good weekend 

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but please realise an affair never helps, it just increases the potential for drama. It appears there's a strange kind of dynamic between your MM and your BH. Does your MM like playing power games maybe? I don't know but poking at your BH like that seems strange. What about his wife? This woman is innocent she doesn't deserve anyone interfering in her marriage, her relationship.

Look, gently, you are being abused and worse you are letting your children know it's ok a) for their father to act that way and b) for someone be be treated that way, to accept that treatment. You need to break the cycle for your children's sake, especially the youngest. If he is using again get a lawyer, get restraining order, get a separation order at the same time so he has to support you. Ditch MM for good, your local woman's shelterwill be to help with legal matters. Good luck.

[smilec]

It is weird. I had been nc with mm for a couple of years. My h never believed we didn't do it after reading some suggestive texts. When one person acts like they hate you it can make another saying you are not bad feel so much better. He would throw at me you thought he loved you you were only one of many. I wanted to make it work always have and only accepted others attention when he had gone. Last year he drunkenly sadly confessed he thought I would leave him as mm said he still loved me more than any one and wanted to be with me. He suggested I go with him but continue to cheat with him instead. I dont want to cheat it's not my goal or something I feel good about. I didnt know what was true and reached out to mm to ask and that started the past confusing terrible year long rollercoaster. I told h during one of his disappearances I was going to contact him. By summer/fall he was upset I wouldn't give my promise for nc. I didnt want to give it and felt he gave promises of sobriety and fidelity he didnt mean I know what false promises feel like I didnt want to give. Finally I gave it and tearfully agreed with mm to hope fate will bring or force circumstances to allow our time but nc for now.
What a stupid mess everything seems I'm not even sure what my point is. I can hardly I can hardly think just now.
Really I know I cant believe a thing either of them says. So I know what needs to be done and have to get one with it. Thanks for the replies and providing a place where people can let their thoughts out.

[Poppy's sister]

it is ok to feel awful

Your MM sounds like he is using you and likely is a player .

I am day 3 of NC and boy it is tough..i so want to feel peaceful and happy ...

[anika99]

You need counseling. Your husband is an abusive addict and the only person who can rescue you is you. There is no knight in shining armour who is going to take you away and make you happy. That doesn't happen so if that is what you have been waiting for then you are in for a very long sad wait. You are going to have to face your fears and learn to be alone for awhile. You have a lot of work and healing to do before you will be healthy and happy enough to have a drama free rewarding relationship with a new man. This is a time to place your romantic relationships on the back burner and instead nurture your relationships with family and friends, most importantly, nurture your relationship with yourself. Get therapy, join a support group, join a gym, make new friends, etc. Get yourself to a strong healthy state, mentally and emotionally. Settle your marriage one way or the other. You won't find happiness with any man until you get yourself in order. 

 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, smilec said:

I know what needs to be done and have to get one with it. 

Most often, the right thing is not the easy thing. 

I too get the sense that you are very passive, resigned, waiting around, hoping that your long struggling addict of a husband will somehow magically cure himself or that some knight in shining armour will come along and rescue you from your terrible marriage. The thing is, the only person who can “save” you is you.

If you are not happy with your husband, you need to end it. That’s the only solution, and it’s the right solution given that he is an abusive addict who has had the opportunity to change his path for many years - and he hasn’t. At this point, I think it’s fair to say that he can’t. Just be safe - consult a lawyer, find a safe place to go, and just disappear one day. The most unsafe time for a woman in an abusive woman is when she tries to leave - your safety and that of your children should be your primary concern.

Your MM is basically inconsequential right now. And as Anika says, you have a lot of work to do to get right with yourself before you are ready to find yourself a healthy relationship. I hope you get there... Most important thing, you need to find yourself some support. A counsellor, a lawyer, a family member, a friend. You have to do the work, but you will need some help to extricate yourself from your marriage. Good luck. 

Edited February 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Very sad story. How are you tolerating your husband using cocaine if you have children? Forget MM, you have bigger problems and he was probably in part just an escape from your difficult reality. It does sound like he is one of these conscienceless liar types that we sometime hear about though. I think that pales in comparison to having an addict for a husband, although it can't have helped things.

It sounds like you have a decent job. I can't make decisions for you, but if it was me, I would walk away from both of these people as soon as logistically possible. My main concern would be to figure out ways to get my spouse cleaned up enough to be safe around the children (ie, ensure they're not offering them drugs or similar). IMO there are times in life to own up to the fact that things really are a trainwreck and that the most sensible thing to do is start cleaning up the mess rather than letting the train continue on.

Edited February 29, 2020 by mark clemson