Grieving the loss of the relationship and how to cope.

[sk1977]

Hi all, 

A few days ago i broke up with my boyfriend of almost 5 months. He stole money from me and I found out he is a recovering opioid addict. Later I found out he lied to me/tried to minimize just how severe his addiction was. Needless to say, the trust was broken and the possibility of my life turning into hell if he relapses/overdoses prompted my decision to end the relationship. 

The problem is I’m in love with him. Things were amazing before that day he took the money and I found out. I really thought I finally had met the one. 

i miss him horribly and it’s only been a few days. He didn’t try to convince me to reconsider my decision.  He listened to what I had to say, got up and left. 

I feel heartbroken and guilty, as if I gave up on someone I loved. I feel it’s easier to break up and move on from a relationship with someone who is abusive, selfish or someone who makes you feel neglected and unloved. But I really struggle with walking away from a man who is fundamentally a good person, kind, loving, generous, caring, but he has an addiction, an illness, something he doesn’t have much control over. Usually, anger with your ex partner helps you to move on. The thing is I can’t be angry with him. His addiction started after he had back problems, followed by back surgery and long recovery with doctors prescribing opioids left and right. I’m angry at this thing, the addiction, that got in the way, but I can’t be angry with him.

He’s been sober for 8 months. so, I keep questioning if I made a mistake. What if he never relapses? What if it was just a mistake on his part? We all have flaws. So I’m questioning love in general and my love for him in particular. Do I really love him? Would I walk away if I really loved him? Should self love come before the love for another person? 

I’m trying to think of it as going through pain now to avoid even more excruciating pain his addiction might cause in the future. But, holy crap, this is so painful right here, right now, that I don’t know how to get through it. 

Any thoughts or words of encouragement or tough love would be appreciated. 

Thank you!

[kendahke]

It's totally reasonable that you're feeling the loss of who you thought this guy was.  You didn't fall in love with the real him--you fell in love with an artificial construct of who he is/who he wanted you to know.  That is pouring a weak foundation on which to try to build a relationship and anything built upon weak foundation will fall.

The problem is he never showed you who the real him was from the start--for a reason.  Would you have gotten with him if he said from the start "oh, by the way, I'll take money out of your account if you give me your PIN, I'll treat you as if you have no right to be angry with me for doing that and not saying anything to you and I'll clean your house and walk your dog to manipulate you and keep you in place so I can groom you to do it again"?  Your self worth tells me you wouldn't.

Take each day one day at a time. This just happened two days ago. You're not expected to be happy go lucky right now.

In the meantime, go on youtube and listen to Terri Cole and Derrick Jaxn--both are really good with relationship advice. Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and she's really good.

Do something nice and affirming for yourself and be patient with yourself. You've been through a whirlwind.

 

[sk1977]

4 minutes ago, kendahke said:

It's totally reasonable that you're feeling the loss of who you thought this guy was.  You didn't fall in love with the real him--you fell in love with an artificial construct of who he is/who he wanted you to know.  That is pouring a weak foundation on which to try to build a relationship and anything built upon weak foundation will fall.

The problem is he never showed you who the real him was from the start--for a reason.  Would you have gotten with him if he said from the start "oh, by the way, I'll take money out of your account if you give me your PIN, I'll treat you as if you have no right to be angry with me for doing that and not saying anything to you and I'll clean your house and walk your dog to manipulate you and keep you in place so I can groom you to do it again"?  Your self worth tells me you wouldn't.

Take each day one day at a time. This just happened two days ago. You're not expected to be happy go lucky right now.

In the meantime, go on youtube and listen to Terri Cole and Derrick Jaxn--both are really good with relationship advice. Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and she's really good.

Do something nice and affirming for yourself and be patient with yourself. You've been through a whirlwind.

 

Thank you!

[preraph]

Opioid addicts nearly always relapse. And you can't believe them when they tell you they're not using either. 

 

Listen, there are people in your life that you can love but not be with or live with. Those people will do nothing but drag you down with them. All you have to be is in the car with him sometime when he gets pulled over and he's high or has anything in the car and you too could go to jail. And as you already know he'll steal and that is not a very convincing argument that he isn't using!

 

you have to have some standards and requirements for yourself and not keep people like this in your life to drag you down. Forget about it and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, sk1977 said:

The problem is I’m in love with him. Things were amazing before that day he took the money and I found out. I really thought I finally had met the one. 

Well, no, not really.

It was amazing because you didn't actually know the truth about him, OP. 

[Blind-Sided]

16 hours ago, kendahke said:

It's totally reasonable that you're feeling the loss of who you thought this guy was.  You didn't fall in love with the real him--you fell in love with an artificial construct of who he is/who he wanted you to know.  ........

 

I agree 100%.  You have had a very short relationship, and were still infatuated with him.  Try to focus on the fact that he is a criminal (drugs, theft) and you are dodging a HUGE bullet by leaving now.

I'm sorry for your loss, and it's hard regardless of who you find out that person is.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and the pain it's causing you. Broke up your post into two lists to help make my response more focused and easier to read.

Problems with him

• He stole money from me
• he is a recovering opioid addict
• he lied to me/tried to minimize just how severe his addiction was

The first question I would have asked him and myself is - if he's 8 months sober - why is he trying to date? If you've been dating for 5 months - at the very minimum he was only sober for 3 months before that, and if you're not counting any time before you started "dating" and were going on "dates" - then he possibly could have been sober for just weeks before you met him - so why was he trying to date? People need to learn to start dating when they're healthy and happy, not when they're lonley.

Theft is 100% a reason to walk away at any point before marriage. Even after marriage - it's a reason to really address things. But before you commit to a life together and such, it's a non-negotiable thing. It shows you how little respect he has for you and for himself. The addiction is a related, by somewhat separate issue. But...addicts often develop theft as a personality trait if their addiction causes financial issues - true for the rich as it is the poor. So there's now, as you noted in your post, no trust between you two. If he valued you truly, and himself, he would have been 100% upfront and honest about his addiction and the depth of it from very early on. It shows he's not recovered from the "shame" of the addiction and whatever he did as a result of it - and that means he's not 100% healthy. At this point, he needs friends and family, not a relationship.

Problems for you to consider

• trust was broken and the possibility of my life turning into hell if he relapses/overdoses prompted my decision
• Things were amazing before that day he took the money and I found out. I really thought I finally had met the one
• I feel heartbroken and guilty, as if I gave up on someone I loved. I feel it’s easier to break up and move on from a relationship with someone who is abusive, selfish or someone who makes you feel neglected and unloved
• But I really struggle with walking away from a man who is fundamentally a good person, kind, loving, generous, caring, but he has an addiction, an illness, something he doesn’t have much control over
• Usually, anger with your ex partner helps you to move on. The thing is I can’t be angry with him. His addiction started after he had back problems
• He’s been sober for 8 months. so, I keep questioning if I made a mistake.
• Would I walk away if I really loved him? Should self love come before the love for another person? 

The overall gist of your post is that you feel bad for the decision you made. Why? I mean, don't get me wrong - I was conditioned growing up to be the "good boy" which turned into being the "nice guy", I'm a giver by nature, and I'm a helper too, so it's difficult for me to put myself first, to realize when I've been disrespected, and to realize that people will stay with you for even long periods of time simply because they're lonely or want to appear in a relationship until something "better" comes along or they hit a ego boost for a while and then feel like they can "do better" than you, even if you gave them the moon or were there for them when they had nothing and/or no one else. 

It's natural to question yourself in a situation like this. But you need to use forums like this site, talk with a very trusted friend or family member (or two or three) - be vulnerable, open, and honest with them - tell them everything that happened and just lay your feelings out. I doubt anyone with any sense and who truly wanted you to be happy and healthy would tell you anything other than you did the right thing. Yes, he may be fundamentally a "good man" - but he violated your trust, he was not honest with you from the beginning, and you probably built up an image of him in your mind that isn't 100% in line with his actual personality. And while I understand addiction - people also make choices in life - addiction or not. You can be angry with him, but..even if you feel like you can't, you can still be angry in general and respect that anger, that emotion, enough to let it propel you forward. Sometimes things happen in life. Be it family, friends, relationships - not everything is meant to last. Now that doesn't ease the pain - I know it's just words on a paper. But...the question for you to answer is - where's his self-love? Yes, self-love always needs to come before loving others. It's like the oxygen mask rules on a plane. Or the often used Buddhist mantra - you can't fill a cup from an empty well. You may feel selfish, and that shows your quality - but look at things from his perspective. If he were truly self-loving himself (apologies if that's grammatically incorrect) he would not have gotten into a relationship so soon and if it was accidental then he would have been honest and forthcoming about it and the depth of the problem from day 1 (so to speak). You can't love him yet, because he can't love himself. Remember that.

[sk1977]

19 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

Hey OP,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and the pain it's causing you. Broke up your post into two lists to help make my response more focused and easier to read.

Problems with him

• He stole money from me
• he is a recovering opioid addict
• he lied to me/tried to minimize just how severe his addiction was

The first question I would have asked him and myself is - if he's 8 months sober - why is he trying to date? If you've been dating for 5 months - at the very minimum he was only sober for 3 months before that, and if you're not counting any time before you started "dating" and were going on "dates" - then he possibly could have been sober for just weeks before you met him - so why was he trying to date? People need to learn to start dating when they're healthy and happy, not when they're lonley.

Theft is 100% a reason to walk away at any point before marriage. Even after marriage - it's a reason to really address things. But before you commit to a life together and such, it's a non-negotiable thing. It shows you how little respect he has for you and for himself. The addiction is a related, by somewhat separate issue. But...addicts often develop theft as a personality trait if their addiction causes financial issues - true for the rich as it is the poor. So there's now, as you noted in your post, no trust between you two. If he valued you truly, and himself, he would have been 100% upfront and honest about his addiction and the depth of it from very early on. It shows he's not recovered from the "shame" of the addiction and whatever he did as a result of it - and that means he's not 100% healthy. At this point, he needs friends and family, not a relationship.

Problems for you to consider

• trust was broken and the possibility of my life turning into hell if he relapses/overdoses prompted my decision
• Things were amazing before that day he took the money and I found out. I really thought I finally had met the one
• I feel heartbroken and guilty, as if I gave up on someone I loved. I feel it’s easier to break up and move on from a relationship with someone who is abusive, selfish or someone who makes you feel neglected and unloved
• But I really struggle with walking away from a man who is fundamentally a good person, kind, loving, generous, caring, but he has an addiction, an illness, something he doesn’t have much control over
• Usually, anger with your ex partner helps you to move on. The thing is I can’t be angry with him. His addiction started after he had back problems
• He’s been sober for 8 months. so, I keep questioning if I made a mistake.
• Would I walk away if I really loved him? Should self love come before the love for another person? 

The overall gist of your post is that you feel bad for the decision you made. Why? I mean, don't get me wrong - I was conditioned growing up to be the "good boy" which turned into being the "nice guy", I'm a giver by nature, and I'm a helper too, so it's difficult for me to put myself first, to realize when I've been disrespected, and to realize that people will stay with you for even long periods of time simply because they're lonely or want to appear in a relationship until something "better" comes along or they hit a ego boost for a while and then feel like they can "do better" than you, even if you gave them the moon or were there for them when they had nothing and/or no one else. 

It's natural to question yourself in a situation like this. But you need to use forums like this site, talk with a very trusted friend or family member (or two or three) - be vulnerable, open, and honest with them - tell them everything that happened and just lay your feelings out. I doubt anyone with any sense and who truly wanted you to be happy and healthy would tell you anything other than you did the right thing. Yes, he may be fundamentally a "good man" - but he violated your trust, he was not honest with you from the beginning, and you probably built up an image of him in your mind that isn't 100% in line with his actual personality. And while I understand addiction - people also make choices in life - addiction or not. You can be angry with him, but..even if you feel like you can't, you can still be angry in general and respect that anger, that emotion, enough to let it propel you forward. Sometimes things happen in life. Be it family, friends, relationships - not everything is meant to last. Now that doesn't ease the pain - I know it's just words on a paper. But...the question for you to answer is - where's his self-love? Yes, self-love always needs to come before loving others. It's like the oxygen mask rules on a plane. Or the often used Buddhist mantra - you can't fill a cup from an empty well. You may feel selfish, and that shows your quality - but look at things from his perspective. If he were truly self-loving himself (apologies if that's grammatically incorrect) he would not have gotten into a relationship so soon and if it was accidental then he would have been honest and forthcoming about it and the depth of the problem from day 1 (so to speak). You can't love him yet, because he can't love himself. Remember that.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts! I greatly appreciate it. 
I totally agree with you on every single point you made, yet, I can't help grieving. I keep thinking that if it wasn't for IT(his addiction), we would have an amazing life together. I feel it's just so hard to find someone you totally connect with. And I thought I finally did. I know time will heal, but for now I just feel like I'm pushing against the wall of pain to try to move forward. I can actually feel the pain, not just emotionally, but physically as well. I miss him terribly. At this point, I know I made the right decision, but it all just made me feel devastated.
Thank you, again!  

[scooby-philly]

@sk1977 - I can completely understand your pain. TBH, it's a healthy and good sign you feel this way. If you did not, then it meant you really did not care that much. Remind yourself that moving forward, you know you can fully and completely love someone and that you're ready for something real and HONEST. As I may have said to you, so apologies if this is duplication, do not run from the pain or push against it. Let it hit you like a tidal wave. Let it wash over you and drown you. The only way from one day to the next is through the darkness of night. Find people and things (healthy) that you can lean on to help you move forward and avoid getting stuck and that allow you to express those emotions without judgment, personal bias, and in a productive manner. Journaling/writing really helps. Exercise, hot baths/showers, crying - do it all! You may feel like you won't ever meet someone like him, but guess what, you can meet someone with most, if not all, of the great qualities you saw in him, but without the lying and the deception. Now, they won't be perfect...lol. But there's a threshold - he will be across it and be a great catch and you'll learn to love him and his uniqueness.

 

I can so relate to your pain. I was very self-conscious, didn't know what to do with women, and had terribly low self-esteem growing up. I didn't really start trying to date till I was 28 and didn't get into a serious ltr till i was almost 30! So I can bemoan and feel shame being 38 and never being married and not having kids yet when I know folks who are in their 20's and have that or in there 30's and are on their 4th kid already! But...if you give me 8-10 years off from the time when I actually starting dating, I'm more like a 28/30 yr old. For me, it's been not recognizing I'm with the wrong people - wrong for me, crazy, or just not ready. My last relationship, which ended a little over 6 months ago, there was an age gap. But it didn't bother me and I thought she was "the one". But I confused her lack of social life and friends as being "mature". I didn't realize at first and never put any thought to the fact that she had no hobbies. And I didn't consider the fact that she had no real dating experience prior to me, grew up and still lived with a shame based, angry, bitter family that didn't talk and wasn't emotionally healthy, had very low self-esteem, and just didn't live her life as they say, and how that stunted our relationship and really made her so immature it was, in hindsight, pathetic that I tried to keep the relationship alive after 6-7 months. Why? All because she love bombed me in the beginning and was super affectionate, but then decreased as time went on and I was hooked to the little bit of affection she wounded up giving me. All because I didn't realize I can find someone more mature, stable, healthy, that could give that same initial affection forever, and because I didn't realize that I felt so comfortable because of ME - because I was finally completely myself and that I didn't owe her a thing and if I didn't put 99% of the effort into the relationship, she couldn't be bothered with it. So...yeah...lesson learned for me. Sure, she may be great in 5-10 years, but I deserve someone better NOW. And better, I mean, in terms of compatibility, maturity, and experience. 

So I've just gone through the journey you are embarking on. It's dark and lonely. It's tough and it will be heartbreaking. And it will be darkest just before dawn - but you can do it!

[sk1977]

2 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

@sk1977 - I can completely understand your pain. TBH, it's a healthy and good sign you feel this way. If you did not, then it meant you really did not care that much. Remind yourself that moving forward, you know you can fully and completely love someone and that you're ready for something real and HONEST. As I may have said to you, so apologies if this is duplication, do not run from the pain or push against it. Let it hit you like a tidal wave. Let it wash over you and drown you. The only way from one day to the next is through the darkness of night. Find people and things (healthy) that you can lean on to help you move forward and avoid getting stuck and that allow you to express those emotions without judgment, personal bias, and in a productive manner. Journaling/writing really helps. Exercise, hot baths/showers, crying - do it all! You may feel like you won't ever meet someone like him, but guess what, you can meet someone with most, if not all, of the great qualities you saw in him, but without the lying and the deception. Now, they won't be perfect...lol. But there's a threshold - he will be across it and be a great catch and you'll learn to love him and his uniqueness.

 

I can so relate to your pain. I was very self-conscious, didn't know what to do with women, and had terribly low self-esteem growing up. I didn't really start trying to date till I was 28 and didn't get into a serious ltr till i was almost 30! So I can bemoan and feel shame being 38 and never being married and not having kids yet when I know folks who are in their 20's and have that or in there 30's and are on their 4th kid already! But...if you give me 8-10 years off from the time when I actually starting dating, I'm more like a 28/30 yr old. For me, it's been not recognizing I'm with the wrong people - wrong for me, crazy, or just not ready. My last relationship, which ended a little over 6 months ago, there was an age gap. But it didn't bother me and I thought she was "the one". But I confused her lack of social life and friends as being "mature". I didn't realize at first and never put any thought to the fact that she had no hobbies. And I didn't consider the fact that she had no real dating experience prior to me, grew up and still lived with a shame based, angry, bitter family that didn't talk and wasn't emotionally healthy, had very low self-esteem, and just didn't live her life as they say, and how that stunted our relationship and really made her so immature it was, in hindsight, pathetic that I tried to keep the relationship alive after 6-7 months. Why? All because she love bombed me in the beginning and was super affectionate, but then decreased as time went on and I was hooked to the little bit of affection she wounded up giving me. All because I didn't realize I can find someone more mature, stable, healthy, that could give that same initial affection forever, and because I didn't realize that I felt so comfortable because of ME - because I was finally completely myself and that I didn't owe her a thing and if I didn't put 99% of the effort into the relationship, she couldn't be bothered with it. So...yeah...lesson learned for me. Sure, she may be great in 5-10 years, but I deserve someone better NOW. And better, I mean, in terms of compatibility, maturity, and experience. 

So I've just gone through the journey you are embarking on. It's dark and lonely. It's tough and it will be heartbreaking. And it will be darkest just before dawn - but you can do it!

I am sorry about your breakup. When does it start to feel bearable? I suppose it depends. Are you feeling better now 6 months later?

[scooby-philly]

@sk1977 - That all depends on factors such as time together, the nature of the relationship, the nature of the breakup, and personal issues that may surface as a result or during the recovery phase. I'm 6 months and 1.5 weeks out. I can say now, looking back, that the first two months I was a wreck because we were together for almost 2 years, I completely loved her and was thinking of a future with her, and because she couldn't dump me to my face but did it via text and IM and then I found her on a dating app 5 days later. And because I was blind to my own needs and couldn't see how i was putting my life on hold for so long even though she gave me no clear, action based sign she was committed long-term (longer story I'd rather tell in a private message). So the first two months was a lot of me beating myself up, anger, and just pain. I got better for about a month, then the holidays hit and I was bad for close to a month. Got better for a week or two and the MLK weekend hit and I was off on that Monday and I had the worst 3 day weekend ever. I literally spent most of the time crying and in bed. But...it was less to do with her than it was me realizing I've spent so long not valuing what I bring to a relationship, triggering the ruins of the low self-esteem I had for most of my life, and just realizing how alone I am because i had that pattern for so long not just with relationships, but also with friends and family - so I had cut off long-term friends 6-7 years ago and while I've made some new ones, I haven't gotten the "best" friend or two I had before that (except this last ex, but of course, that's over). And then one day a week before the 6 month anniversary I just was - boom - back to normal. Not that there isn't work I still want/need to do on myself, my life, etc. And not that I need to continually positively reinforce my worth and my right to be happy and to internalize that my wants/needs are normal, healthy, and appropriate and that someone will love me the way I am....but any pain or anger or resentment or "what if" or "why" - regarding the relationship itself is gone and I can truly look at her and the dynamic of the relationship and get the closure I need to move on. 

[Beendaredonedat]

The problem is I’m in love with him.

Well, clearly you've just found out that love is not enough to continue to be in a relationship.  It's only been a little while since you came to your senses and left him so don't let you missing him allow yourself to be reeled back into a life of hell with a lying addict who will manipulate you in all kinds of ways in order to continue on in his habit.  Financial loss as he gets himself into debt is one way you will be devastated.

 

They say that it takes about two weeks for every YEAR you were with someone to get to the stage of indifference to them.  You weren't even with him for a year so surely you can endure a short time of missing him in order to be able to date someone healthy once you are free and clear of your withdrawl from the addict no longer being in your life.

 

You are a smart cookie to get yourself away from him.  It shows that you have good personal boundaries and love of self in place.  Those qualities will garner you a good man who is your equal.

 

Well done and feel better soon.

 

 

[sk1977]

1 minute ago, Beendaredonedat said:

 

Well, clearly you've just found out that love is not enough to continue to be in a relationship.  It's only been a little while since you came to your senses and left him so don't let you missing him allow yourself to be reeled back into a life of hell with a lying addict who will manipulate you in all kinds of ways in order to continue on in his habit.  Financial loss as he gets himself into debt is one way you will be devastated.

 

They say that it takes about two weeks for every YEAR you were with someone to get to the stage of indifference to them.  You weren't even with him for a year so surely you can endure a short time of missing him in order to be able to date someone healthy once you are free and clear of your withdrawl from the addict no longer being in your life.

 

You are a smart cookie to get yourself away from him.  It shows that you have good personal boundaries and love of self in place.  Those qualities will garner you a good man who is your equal.

 

Well done and feel better soon.

 

 

Thank you so much! 

[S2B]

His behavior is still the same as someone who is still actively using (the stealing and lying).

so you actually don’t know who his really is or what he’s capable of (good or bad/worse).

bottom line is that it’s way too risky when he still shows behaviors that suck.

stay busy and active now. Get out and meet new people. See a counselor to help YOURSELF understand more about a boundary and codependency.

hugs

[sk1977]

I'm considering going to an Nor-Anon meeting tonight. Do you think it would be helpful? Or should I start doing something that has nothing to do with my ex? I was thinking to go and get more insight into what addiction really is, which would, hopefully, help me to process what happened in the last month and move on faster. Or would it only add to the heartbreak and suck me into a black hole even more? 

[S2B]

Go if you intend to do the 12 steps with a sponsor. That will help you to know what you need to know.

 

[scooby-philly]

On 3/3/2020 at 2:09 PM, sk1977 said:

I'm considering going to an Nor-Anon meeting tonight. Do you think it would be helpful? Or should I start doing something that has nothing to do with my ex? I was thinking to go and get more insight into what addiction really is, which would, hopefully, help me to process what happened in the last month and move on faster. Or would it only add to the heartbreak and suck me into a black hole even more? 

Sorry if this is too late....do you mean NA? If so, are you a former addict? If not, going may only add confusion and heartache because depending on how many people there, how deep they go, you may leave feeling a lot worse than you did before. It's noble for you to think about going, but you don't need this in your life right now. In 6 months when the pain isn't fresh and wound has mostly healed, then yeah - it's good to understand. But now, it will only hurt you more than likely.