Was my boyfriend incorrect in this scenario?

[eloesce]

I'm not sure if i'm wrong for feeling upset in this scenario and could use some feedback. 

I've worn hearing aids since I was a child and my boyfriend has never had any issues with it, my hearing is basically 'normal' with hearing aids so it's not usually an issue. Earlier today we were out with one of his friends and after placing an order, his friend was upset that his order was incorrect and said something to the effect of, "she's deaf, she shouldn't be working at a job where she has to listen to people for a living." I didn't see the woman but apparently she wore a hearing aid. I countered his friend's comment by saying that if she really was deaf than she'd have to rely on her hearing with any job. I don't think his friend knew I wore hearing aids as well since they're super tiny and not easily visible. Ultimately I dropped the subject since this friend is generally a jerk and this isn't the first close-minded thing he has said since I’ve known him. I honestly feel like nobody has any right to dictate what someone should or shouldn't do based on a disability.. or anything. 

Anyway, during this interaction my boyfriend conveniently dipped out and walked away (we were in a busy area with lots of shops around us). I brought up that interaction to my boyfriend later and he admitted he heard what his friend said and that he walked away because he felt 'awkward.' I expressed that it kinda hurt that my boyfriend didn't say something... he could have said "hey, she didn't get my order wrong," I don't expect anyone to defend me or for my boyfriend to jump on a table and proclaim how uncouth that comment was but, I still felt like he should have said something to his friend. My boyfriend then got upset because he said that he didn't think it was fair for me to dictate how he should act or get mad at him for not doing something that I would have done.

Am I incorrect for feeling this way and expecting my boyfriend to say something? It just hurts. I can't explain it but it almost feels disrespectful to hear a person say something disparaging that relates to your significant other and choose to duck out of that whole interaction rather than confront what's being said.

There have been other times in the past where his other friends said or did dumb stuff and I got upset that my boyfriend didn't speak up. He's super non-confrontational and I don't have a problem with confrontation so I get the personality conflict. I'm just not sure how to handle these situations because it doesn't feel good to just go "oh well my boyfriend gets uncomfortable and just doesn't care when people say/do whatever around their gf."

How do I handle this? How do I explain that it's not ok to just ignore it when people say/do inappropriate things? Am I being too uptight by expecting him to act differently? I just could really use some other opinions. 😕

Edited February 29, 2020 by eloesce
Typo

[Gaeta]

Why not say something yourself? 

If someone was being rude to a waitress right in front of me, on top of that concerning the same disability that I live with... I'd be all over it before my boyfriend realizes what's going on. 

Edited February 29, 2020 by Gaeta

[Watercolors]

No, you were right to feel hurt by your boyfriend's friend's insensitive comment, and to feel hurt that your boyfriend didn't correct his friend's insensitive comment. Your boyfriend was defensive with you when you confronted him only because he probably feels guilty for walking away after that incident happened. If your boyfriend had a stronger character, he would have immediately shut his friend down after his friend made that insensitive comment. The fact that he chose to walk away is a red flag warning to you. Both he and his friend know you wear a hearing aid. They both were wrong in the way they handled themselves. They were both very immature. Your boyfriend should have defended you with his idiot friend. He was a coward to walk away. That would have pissed me off if I had been in your shoes. 

I get what Gaeta's suggesting that you should say something. But, why should you have to state the obvious? Both your boyfriend and his friend acted like idiots for different reasons. 

And, since this continues to happen, you'll have to decide if you're willing to put up with your boyfriend's non-confrontational style of how he faces conflict. He won't address his friend's behavior since this seems to be a pattern with the friend. So, you may have to set some boundaries with your boyfriend by telling him that his refusal to engage is something you're not ok with or willing to put up with anymore. Not saying anything is the worst thing you can do. If you don't give your boyfriend feedback on how his behavior makes you feel, then you'll just grow to resent his refusal to engage when conflict like this happens. He has to know how you feel and if he doesn't like it, you have to decide if he's someone you're willing to put up with long-term. 

Edited February 29, 2020 by Watercolors

[eloesce]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why not say something yourself? 

  I did say something to his friend and have no problem with it, I just don’t like that my boyfriend doesn’t feel compelled to do the same...even though he agrees that what’s being said is inappropriate.

[Gaeta]

You said it yourself, he is non confrontational. This is who he is. If someone was rude toward you would he defend and protect you?

[eloesce]

17 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

So, you may have to set some boundaries with your boyfriend by telling him that his refusal to engage is something you're not ok with or willing to put up with anymore.

  Is it okay to tell someone how to act though? I obviously understand my perspective however, his perspective is that he doesn’t feel it’s fair for someone else to dictate how he responds. I told him that being more confrontational in these situations will enable him to grow more and concurrently remind people who care about him that he cares about them too.

He has aspirations to be a father. I suggested to him that if he had a son who loved to wear pink and an acquaintance said in passing that any boy who wears pink is ‘gay,’ if his son heard that and saw his father ignore the comment.... that would resonate with that kid and indirectly show him that his father isn’t in his corner. Maybe that was a weird example but I was trying to highlight that in life, the things you don’t do or say are just as impactful as the things you choose to say or do.

[eloesce]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If someone was rude toward you would he defend and protect you?

  If there was an obvious threat to my safety or well-being I’m confident he would certainly do whatever he needed to do to ensure I was ok. With situations that are a little more laid back and  involve his friends... he’s not as confrontational for sure. 

[Watercolors]

20 minutes ago, eloesce said:

Is it okay to tell someone how to act though?

It sounds like you already know the answer to that question. Giving your boyfriend feedback about how his actions make you feel is not telling him how to act. What you're telling him, is how his behavior makes you feel which is a totally normal healthy behavior in a relationship. You have to tell other people how their actions make you feel, or they won't know how their behavior affects you.

Your example with your boyfriend illustrates my point. If he wants to be a father, he HAS to learn to express himself verbally. Not giving your child any feedback is equal to, or the same as, emotionally neglecting your child's feelings. So, by not validating your feelings about what his friend did, in essence, your boyfriend invalidates or emotionally neglects your feelings which is not something he should be doing. 

So, going back to my original suggestion. You need to tell your boyfriend how his behavior makes you feel. If he's uncomfortable with communication, what does he think constitutes a relationship? Silence? You have to communicate your feelings with each other, about how each other's behavior affects each other or you can't have an actual relationship. Does that make sense? 

Edited February 29, 2020 by Watercolors

[schlumpy]

This has to be the culmination of several incidents with your boyfriend. Difficult to believe that you would be this over-the-top on this one lame comment. His friend was obviously irritated and spoke out of emotion. Who hasn't said an off-color remark when angry? You had your say. Why doesn't that satisfy you? Why does your BF have to carry the torch also. It's pretty obvious that he doesn't disparage people with poor hearing since he is dating you. 

If you don't like his friend and you want to shut him out, then do so. You don't have to associate with him but why are you herding your BF down the same trail? There are lots of people I know and have known that had flaws in their character. If I had made that one flaw contingent on our friendship I would not have had many friends.

Let this guy go and find someone who will join you in defending the values you think should define human existence. 

[d0nnivain]

Your BF felt awkward.  On some level I can understand that.  Most people don't know what to do wen a situation calls for a confrontation.  

Explain again to your BF that his silence & abandonment hurt.  Ask him to stick up for you in the future.  If he is better going forward chalk this up as a learning experience for your BF.  If he can't or won't be more protective then you are going to have to determine if you are willing to continue being with such a coward.  

[basil67]

Sounds to me like you had the situation entirely in hand and didn’t need any help.  I’d have a different response if your boyfriend’s friend was intimidating you.  

[Gaeta]

Your boyfriend considered it wasn't of his business to teach his friends manners. If he had stepped in maybe his friend would have told him to mind his business and he wouldn't be wrong. 

When I see people being rude with waitresses, cashiers and such I usually will go back and tell them I am sorry X man was an arse with them and to not let it ruin their day. 

On that day YOU did not need to be defended, but you could have had a kind word for the cashier.  You are making this about you when it should be about the person that was the real victim on that day.

[alphamale]

it is up to you to defend yourself in this type of situation

[SincereOnlineGuy]

13 hours ago, eloesce said:

I'm not sure if i'm wrong for feeling upset in this scenario and could use some feedback. 

I've worn hearing aids since I was a child and my boyfriend has never had any issues with it, my hearing is basically 'normal' with hearing aids so it's not usually an issue. Earlier today we were out with one of his friends and after placing an order, his friend was upset that his order was incorrect and said something to the effect of, "she's deaf, she shouldn't be working at a job where she has to listen to people for a living." I didn't see the woman but apparently she wore a hearing aid. I countered his friend's comment by saying that if she really was deaf than she'd have to rely on her hearing with any job. I don't think his friend knew I wore hearing aids as well since they're super tiny and not easily visible. Ultimately I dropped the subject since this friend is generally a jerk and this isn't the first close-minded thing he has said since I’ve known him. I honestly feel like nobody has any right to dictate what someone should or shouldn't do based on a disability.. or anything. 

Anyway, during this interaction my boyfriend conveniently dipped out and walked away (we were in a busy area with lots of shops around us). I brought up that interaction to my boyfriend later and he admitted he heard what his friend said and that he walked away because he felt 'awkward.' I expressed that it kinda hurt that my boyfriend didn't say something... he could have said "hey, she didn't get my order wrong," I don't expect anyone to defend me or for my boyfriend to jump on a table and proclaim how uncouth that comment was but, I still felt like he should have said something to his friend. My boyfriend then got upset because he said that he didn't think it was fair for me to dictate how he should act or get mad at him for not doing something that I would have done.

Am I incorrect for feeling this way and expecting my boyfriend to say something? It just hurts. I can't explain it but it almost feels disrespectful to hear a person say something disparaging that relates to your significant other and choose to duck out of that whole interaction rather than confront what's being said.

There have been other times in the past where his other friends said or did dumb stuff and I got upset that my boyfriend didn't speak up. He's super non-confrontational and I don't have a problem with confrontation so I get the personality conflict. I'm just not sure how to handle these situations because it doesn't feel good to just go "oh well my boyfriend gets uncomfortable and just doesn't care when people say/do whatever around their gf."

How do I handle this? How do I explain that it's not ok to just ignore it when people say/do inappropriate things? Am I being too uptight by expecting him to act differently? I just could really use some other opinions. 😕

 

Your... sensitivities... in this matter are... "normal human reactions and feelings"...  BUT I'm not sure that it is fair for you to proclaim that this in any way "relate(d) to you".

 

You were in fact "self-conscious" because of it, but some of that maybe is on you.

 

The boyfriend's friend IS a jerk...    and I'm not surprised that your boyfriend was uncomfortable in that situation.

 

You weren't... wrong...  but I would love to witness this exact scenario with someone who was more confident in your role.

 

 

[Cookiesandough]

I think you were right to be hurt he didn’t say anything. I’m sorry. 

[Watercolors]

The OP's situation reminds me of how an ex-b/f responded in a similar situation. We were at a bar listening to live music. We were standing up and my ex-b/f was standing behind me. Suddenly, this drunk guy approaches me and tries to cop a feel and grabs me. My ex-b/f just stood there watching this unfold and did nothing. He didn't even try to get the drunk guy off of me, who ended up knocking me on to the ground. Suffice it to say, I was pretty upset that the ex-b/f let some random drunk guy do that to me. It showed me that he really didn't respect me. When I confronted him, he just said he thought I could handle myself. 

I can see why the OP was pissed at her boyfriend and his friend. I don't think she needs to tell him how to behave b/c that won't change anything. I could have told my ex-b/f at that time how I expected him to swoop in and intervene, but that wouldn't change the fact he didn't respect me enough to want to. 

So, I think the OP has to decide if she wants to stay with her boyfriend knowing that he'll always "walk away" when he's near this friend or any other friend of his, who does something insensitive or stupid. She can't change her boyfriend or tell him how to act. All the OP can really do share how his actions make her feel in these situations and see if that prompts him to want to change. If it doesn't prompt him to want to change, then the OP has to decide if this is something she is willing to put up with all the time. 

[Cookiesandough]

Yes, of course you can always stand up for yourself, but it’s nice to know a person who is supposed to be your partner, your teammate, and someone who cares about you will stand up for you too 

[dramafreezone]

Hi eloesce,

I don't think you were wrong in expressing how you feel about what happened to your boyfriend.

That said, it sounds like you do know that his nature in these situations is generally non-confrontational.

I think his duty as your boyfriend is to acknowledge what you feel without getting butthurt about it.  At that point, it's up to him to determine how he'll respond in future situations.  He may or may not change.  If he decides to be more vocal in the future, great, but I think you should assume that he won't change.  You then you have a decision to make as to whether this is something you want to live with or not.  No one's perfect but if this is a dealbreaker for you, you should find someone else that will vocally stick up for you in these situations.

[Andy_K]

I'm going to be in the minority here, but words are just words. Being offended is a choice. There will always be rude, insensitive people out there. What other people say is largely outside your control, but how you react to it is not. 

Now if you were in any sort of physical danger, it's different. But the guy had no ill-intent, it was just a callous remark, so I'd just let it go. Water off a duck's back. 

Or, I am rubber, you are glue...

Edited February 29, 2020 by Andy_K

[Timshel]

17 hours ago, eloesce said:

How do I handle this? How do I explain that it's not ok to just ignore it when people say/do inappropriate things? Am I being too uptight by expecting him to act differently? I just could really use some other opinions. 😕

He's a putz, now you know.  You can't explain anti-putz to him, take him for who he is or leave him. 

[preraph]

I don't think your bf's friend does know you even wear a hearing aid or he wouldn't have said it.  He was just being a jerk.  Your bf has his pecking order with his friend and isn't generally confrontational anyway, so he didn't feel comfortable calling him out about it.  It's not worth losing a friend over to him.  

 

It's a trade off.  If you want a guy who is aggressive and confrontational, then he's not just going to be like that when it benefits YOU.  He'll be generally harder to get along with ALL the time.  So be careful what you want.  

[Gaeta]

Nobody verbally attacked OP, it was an issue between the friend and the cashier. She is upset her boyfriend did not step in between the friend & cashier......It has nothing to do with her boyfriend protecting her if someone made an attack directly at her. 

OP, it's not a bad thing your boyfriend mind his business, sometimes people get killed for stepping in middle of issues that are not their business. 

You feel he should have confronted his friend because you also use an earing aid, then what? he should step in other people's business if a woman is involved because you are a woman, or he should get involved if the person is of the same race-culture as you, same size as you, where does it end? 

 

[Caauug]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

OP, it's not a bad thing your boyfriend mind his business, sometimes people get killed for stepping in middle of issues that are not their business

I agree. Not every battle is worth fighting/dying for..... 

Only pick fights you can win. 

Only fight battles that matter to you and will have a impact on your life.

Many years ago I was at a party, we were all drinking I was with a few friends and this guy come up and insults my friend. My friend just ignores the insults.... I step up and defended my friend, within minutes it escalates into a full on fight. 2 black eyes, a cut below the eye brow, fat and cut lip, I looked a lot better after 2 weeks. I did not know this guy was into boxing, nor did I know his game was to show up sober to where people were drinking and bate for fights.

Sometimes it is better to consider where the comment came from and walk away. You will never change someone's mind if they are closed to suggestions. 

How far did you expect your BF to take this "battle" for you? Just to say something or to loose their friendship? In your view would it ever be an option for your BF to back down and just walk away? If yes, when and how were you going to let your BF know to back down if this had escalated very quickly into a physical conflict?

Remember you are a woman, and you can in most cultures give any man a piece of your mind anyway you want without much danger to yourself. A man has a larger chance of physical conflict doing the same. Some younger women play on that also. 

 

[Timshel]

A partner telling his friend to knock off being rude has come to fisticuffs now?  Violence, mayhem and where does this end...you peeps have me laughing sometimes.  He only needs to be a gentleman, a stand up guy, a loyal/loving human. Good grief..

[justwhoiam]

On 2/29/2020 at 5:03 AM, eloesce said:

I'm not sure if i'm wrong for feeling upset

I don't think it's a matter of being right or wrong here. You certainly took it personally. I'm sure there'll be things you have no experience of and that would lead you to not take such other things personally, which doesn't mean they aren't as worth as this one you mentioned. Get it? You're not perfect, and neither is he.

Your approach to the matter at hand was wrong to me. You sort of attacked him for his neutral behavior. The discussion could have been handled in a better and more constructive way.

And for a second, just think it could have gone down much worse, if he had come out with something like: "Hey, don't talk bad about people wearing hearing devices; my girlfriend's wearing one and she can hear fine". Maybe it wouldn't have been your case, but someone else might have thought it was not up to him to come up and say something like that, or she didn't want him to know about something so personal. He would have f-ed up anyway. See what I'm saying? He thought that by not saying anything he was avoiding messing up. And I can't blame him, because even unintentonally, guys can come up with stupid comments.

That said, should anyone take a waitress's defence? In most cases, I would agree. But I doubt any of us here never made any remark ever about a waiter or waitress who forgot their order. Or when you ask for another bottle of water like 3 times, and no bottle coming 🙂 I guess it also depends on the general mood. Like when a waiter drops food on your dress at an event or at a wedding, you can laugh it out. I guess I would have said something to try and chill the friend out.