Was my boyfriend incorrect in this scenario?

[Redhead14]

On 2/28/2020 at 11:35 PM, Gaeta said:

You said it yourself, he is non confrontational. This is who he is. If someone was rude toward you would he defend and protect you?

Right.  This is "the way" he is and you are aware of that and have been OK with it apparently.  So, if you want/need a man who is a little more confrontational and stands up for you, then that's the man you need to find for yourself.  You can't change your boyfriend or expect him to be something he isn't according to what a situation is.  Aside from this, no one was attacking you specifically.  The comment was said about the server, correct? 

If I were you, I would have pointed out that I wore hearing aids and was hearing him just fine.  And, even people with unimpaired hearing sometimes get orders wrong due to background noise or other reasons.  So it's unfair to mention this about the server.  This is on you to "defend" if you so choose. 

[Fletch Lives]

Since this is not the only problem friend - perhaps it would be better if you didn't hang around his derelict friends. He can see his friends by himself.

An additional option would be to introduce your boyfriend to more sophisticated people he might become friends with.

[SumGuy]

On 2/28/2020 at 11:03 PM, eloesce said:

I'm not sure if i'm wrong for feeling upset in this scenario and could use some feedback. 

....

Anyway, during this interaction my boyfriend conveniently dipped out and walked away (we were in a busy area with lots of shops around us). I brought up that interaction to my boyfriend later and he admitted he heard what his friend said and that he walked away because he felt 'awkward.' I expressed that it kinda hurt that my boyfriend didn't say something... he could have said "hey, she didn't get my order wrong," I don't expect anyone to defend me or for my boyfriend to jump on a table and proclaim how uncouth that comment was but, I still felt like he should have said something to his friend. My boyfriend then got upset because he said that he didn't think it was fair for me to dictate how he should act or get mad at him for not doing something that I would have done.

Am I incorrect for feeling this way and expecting my boyfriend to say something? It just hurts. I can't explain it but it almost feels disrespectful to hear a person say something disparaging that relates to your significant other and choose to duck out of that whole interaction rather than confront what's being said.

There have been other times in the past where his other friends said or did dumb stuff and I got upset that my boyfriend didn't speak up. He's super non-confrontational and I don't have a problem with confrontation so I get the personality conflict. I'm just not sure how to handle these situations because it doesn't feel good to just go "oh well my boyfriend gets uncomfortable and just doesn't care when people say/do whatever around their gf."

How do I handle this? How do I explain that it's not ok to just ignore it when people say/do inappropriate things? Am I being too uptight by expecting him to act differently? I just could really use some other opinions. 😕

You are not wrong.  There are ways to address his friends comments (like the one you suggested) that are not confrontational.

To me he cares more about what this friend thinks, than what is right or you.   The friends you keep says something about you, and his silence is a passive acceptance of his friends stance.  All it takes is for good people to stand by and do nothing.

Certainly here are matters of degree in expecting him to say something and about what things to say something about...and I'm sure he will trot out those extreme arguments to make you seem unreasonable.  But your are not being unreasonable.  

You his girlfriend have a trait that his friend uses to denigrate others.  When his friend says things like that he is also saying them about you.  That you feel like it is disrespectful to you, you are right, because it is.  It's also a way for his friend to passively aggressively insult you...with the typical douche bag denial attempt of "it's only a joke."

What if the trait his friend chose next was your religion, or hair color, or eye color, the list goes on, would your boyfriend speak up then?

What you expect here is perfectly fair to ask of a man who calls himself your boyfriend, but not fair to ask of a coward.  In fact, this is about a safe a situation as it gets, this is his friend, his friend is a known jerk, he is defending his girlfriend, your boyfriend is on about as solid ground with zero consequences as he can get to speak up.  It's not like he might get fired or stabbed.

I'm not sure if you can explain it to him...he is going to find some extreme example as a reason he should do anything or paint it as you are controlling him, when in reality his friend is insulting you and your boyfriend doesn't have enough self respect or respect for you to make even a simple comment like you propose.   

Usually guys like his friend keep pushing the limits and their behavior only gets worse. 

[SumGuy]

21 hours ago, preraph said:

I don't think your bf's friend does know you even wear a hearing aid or he wouldn't have said it.  He was just being a jerk.  Your bf has his pecking order with his friend and isn't generally confrontational anyway, so he didn't feel comfortable calling him out about it.  It's not worth losing a friend over to him.  

 

It's a trade off.  If you want a guy who is aggressive and confrontational, then he's not just going to be like that when it benefits YOU.  He'll be generally harder to get along with ALL the time.  So be careful what you want.  

I disagree.  She is not asking her boyfriend to be aggressive just speak up, as she suggested a way that is not confrontational.  Unless you call failing to disagree with a friends comment not matter how offenses confrontational.  It is his friend who is being confrontational by putting out a statement laden with prejudice and a**holeness and expecting those around him to "agree" by their silence. 

If there is a pecking order here that is even more worrisome, that means her boyfriend follows and takes his lead from this guy (it's even worse if he still follows but doesn't agree).

This is not a situation where she is asking for a guy who will throw down with strangers.  There are plenty of men who will speak up as she suggested for their girlfriend who are not aggressive and confrontational in general. 

I fear this is the kind of extreme examples her boyfriend would throw up to cover that he is on the extreme end of non-confrontational.   

[SumGuy]

15 hours ago, Timshel said:

A partner telling his friend to knock off being rude has come to fisticuffs now?  Violence, mayhem and where does this end...you peeps have me laughing sometimes.  He only needs to be a gentleman, a stand up guy, a loyal/loving human. Good grief..

Exactly.  People are using extreme examples and extreme responses to justify him not stepping up in a non-extreme situation with a non-extreme response.  Maybe her boyfriend doesn't have the ability to judge and tell such situations apart...that is even a bigger issue. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

42 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I disagree.  She is not asking her boyfriend to be aggressive just speak up, as she suggested a way that is not confrontational.  Unless you call failing to disagree with a friends comment not matter how offenses confrontational.  It is his friend who is being confrontational by putting out a statement laden with prejudice and a**holeness and expecting those around him to "agree" by their silence. 

That merely risks further arming the jerk with ammo that is much more personal  to those involved.  It's a foolish move, because a jerk will always be a jerk.

 

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

To me he cares more about what this friend thinks, than what is right or you.   The friends you keep says something about you, and his silence is a passive acceptance of his friends stance. 

I am not sure why people keep making this about her boyfriend not defending her. She is upset because he did not step in an issue between 2 other people and the issue did not concern OP and her boyfriend. 

Now....if the friend had been rude with the cashier for a reason 'other' than the fact she also had an earing aid, would OP be sooooo offended her bf didn't interfere? 

[elaine567]

If the friend was not aware the OP wore hearing aids then the bf was in an awkward situation.
A) Embarrassing his friend by calling him out on his comments. Some friendships are not the type of friendships you can go about telling others what to do or say.
B) He may not have wanted to get into a discussion  about hearing aids and have to disclose his gf also wears hearing aids.
C) He may not want to alert his friend to he fact his gf wears a hearing aid and is "disabled". He may be uncomfortable with that or he just didn't want to betray a confidence.

Suffice to say he just did not want to get involved, preferring to say nothing and not rile up his friend nor get into trouble with his gf by divulging her disability to others.
As it was he  still got into trouble.

 Sometimes though discretion is the better part of valour...

 

[Redhead14]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am not sure why people keep making this about her boyfriend not defending her. She is upset because he did not step in an issue between 2 other people and the issue did not concern OP and her boyfriend. 

Now....if the friend had been rude with the cashier for a reason 'other' than the fact she also had an earing aid, would OP be sooooo offended her bf didn't interfere? 

Exactly, it was not his fight.  The friend made a comment about someone other than the OP.  It's not relevant that they both wear hearing aids. 

[simpycurious]

First, the friend is a jerk to speak anyone with a disability in that manner JERK JERK.  So, the waitress made a mistake or maybe just maybe

someone in the kitchen did.  Regardless, it's insensitive and uncalled for.  Second, her boyfriend SHOULD have stepped in and told his buddy

to cool it with his nonsense even if his girlfriend didn't have to have hearing aids.  Some of these situations are so simple.  Just Be A Decent

Person towards others.

[Cookiesandough]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

If the friend was not aware the OP wore hearing aids then the bf was in an awkward situation.
A) Embarrassing his friend by calling him out on his comments. Some friendships are not the type of friendships you can go about telling others what to do or say.
B) He may not have wanted to get into a discussion  about hearing aids and have to disclose his gf also wears hearing aids.
C) He may not want to alert his friend to he fact his gf wears a hearing aid and is "disabled". He may be uncomfortable with that or he just didn't want to betray a confidence.

Suffice to say he just did not want to get involved, preferring to say nothing and not rile up his friend nor get into trouble with his gf by divulging her disability to others.
As it was he  still got into trouble.

 Sometimes though discretion is the better part of valour...

 

The way I see it is 

A) Oh boo hoo. His friend gets called out for his immature and inappropriate ableist comments. Maybe he should be embarrassed?

B) Why can’t he debunk what his friend said without bringing his gf into it

C) He’s embarrassed by an inherent part of her... wonderful 

 

You can do better, OP. 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

People say stupid stuff, it's called foot in mouth disease...the friend wasn't or didn't have any intent to pick on the deaf or hearing challenged people. He made an off the cuff remark because he was upset about his order being wrong. It is what it is, people make complaints.

As for your BF, I'm sure he's going to take care of this in his own way by privately letting his friend in on how you took offense by the comment because you are hearing challenged. Telling him how you felt about the situation and his friend was OK, but You had no right to tell him how he should have lectured his friend. He's a grown man, he will handle it the way he sees fit.

Now if the comment was rudely directed at you with intent to upset or degrade you and your BF did nothing about it, then you have reason to give him a piece of your mind.