Considering divorce and abortion

[seriesofmisfortunes]

My husband and I have been together for abt 8 yrs, married 4. And at the moment I'm 1,5 month pregnant.

Some history: Initially I didn't want to get married because I've seen so many divorces and unhappy marriages around me that I just didn't believe in marriage anymore. We eventually got married partly because of pressure from parents and I basically gave in because we were living together already and we were best friends basically and loved being with each other. And in our culture you can't just live together forever without being married.
Throughout our dating and marriage we've had several low points (because of fights, differences, trust, etc) where I thought of leaving him or that I've fallen out of love. I even kept a tally of how many times I felt that way. But I always try to see that there are more good days than bad and so stayed.

The past 1-2 yrs marriage has gone bland. Not happy but not sad either, and I've been feeling indifferent. We don't do anything exciting anymore. We don't have sex anymore (husband can't keep it up and I've lost interest because of it). We haven't gone to bed together in a long time because he's always playing games until late night - morning. And little things and habits that I used to tolerate before, now become harder to put up with. And the past year I've also been wanting to have a baby because I love kids and I'm good with them. I thought I would make a good mom and it would complete my marriage. On the other hand I always worried that my husband isn't ready for parenthood. But alas, we decided to get pregnant. And after failing couple of times, and the help of meds (erection and sperm quality problem), we are pregnant. Fyi, we only had sex to try to conceive on my ovulation day.

These last couple of days I've been getting more and more irritated with him playing so much video games (I'm talking after work 6pm-3am or later, idk because I'm asleep already), and his overall inactivity and lack of initiative. We literally just read about how husband must help wife during pregnancy, help around the house, make sure wife isn't stressed, after going to the doctor yesterday. And today, we got into a fight again and all those depressing feeling and thoughts of divorce came rushing in. Right now, I feel absolutely fine leaving this marriage, I don't want to keep the baby anymore and I can picture myself living life without him. My hesitation: I (will) feel bad for him, because dispite differences and disappointments, I still think he's a good guy and hate to break his heart. Another thing, my parents; they're old and I don't want to disappointment and stress them out - they're already stressed out about other things including my brother's disastrous divorce. Another thing, his parents; they are really good people and super nice to me, been nothing but supportive of us.

Idk if this is just temporary emotion, but this is not the first time I've felt like this.

Thanks for reading this and for your advice.

[d0nnivain]

Getting a divorce because your marriage is bland is no answer IMO.  Do something to spice it up. Try marriage counseling.  Get both sets of parents involved to verbally kick his tail in gear to get off the video games & step up to be a father.  Hey, the parents & the cultural norms got you married so they have some responsibility to help you fix & sustain the marriage.  

While an unhappy marriage is a bad place to bring children you said yourself you love kids & want to be a mom.  I am against abortion so that is coloring my opinion.  Just because you to want to end your marriage, don't end the baby's life.  Give the child up for adoption to someone who desperately wants a child & will love your baby.  

[Blind-Sided]

I agree with @d0nnivain on this.  Bland is not a reason to kill a marriage since eventually it goes from "honeymoon" to regular "Life" for everyone. No sex on the other hand is. (if that's of importance to you)  Especially if you are young.

BUT... I just get a gut feeling that you are telling us your issues... but you aren't telling your husband.  Have you ever sat down with him, and said... "I need to have a serious talk with you."? Have you told him you want to spend time with him, and his games are interfering with your marriage?  The reason I'm asking... my exW when she finally snapped... and blamed me for trivial things, never once actually tried to talk to me about them.  AND... when I asked why didn't she talk years ago... her comment was "I shouldn't have to." 

[BaileyB]

To suddenly decide one day that you want to abort a baby and divorce your husband seems rather extreme.

I hear what you are saying, your husband has checked out of the marriage and you are feeling lonely and bored. But what have you done to address the problem? IMHO, you chose to marry, and you chose to get pregnant. You don’t have the right just decide one weekend - this isn’t what I want for my life, I’m going to abort this baby and leave. Not without doing the work - having the hard conversations, going to counselling, working at it and giving the marriage some time to see if he will recommit to you and your child.

This is probably not the advice you want to hear, but I think you owe it to yourself, you husband, and your child to do everything you can to save this marriage before walking away. If you haven’t already, it’s time to sit down with your husband and put it all on the table... good luck to you.

Edited March 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[vla1120]

I agree wholeheartedly with everything everyone else has said. Talk to your husband. Seek marriage counseling. Do everything you can to save this family and marriage before you throw in the towel and abort the baby, especially since you took extra steps to get pregnant in the first place.

Also, I know a lot of people who get incensed because their boyfriend/husband plays video games "too much". Hey. It's better than him being out at the bar every night! As long as he helps you around the house (and you need to TELL him your expectations - don't expect him to guess what you want), I'd let him play the video games and be thankful you know how he spends his time. 

[emprosnet7]

I don't know if you are going to read this but I have a different opinion from the above.

You have gotten into this situation because you are doing what other want and not what YOU want.

That is a huge mistake and you are going to pay the price.

I assume you are a young lady as Blind-Sided said. 

You have to ask yourself if you want a marriage without sex. If you are willing to do that just fine.

If not, are you able to raise your child on your own? Now IMHO abortion now is the best option. There are too many things that can go wrong from risking your life with the pregnancy (low risk but exists) to having a child and giving it for adoption - it is something that will hunt you forever.

Abortion is a tough decision but it will end your problems in a finite way.

You can start a new life and leave everything behind.

Edited May 10, 2020 by emprosnet7

[ShyViolet]

I know this post is a little old but I'm going to comment anyway...

No one has the right to tell you what you should do.  It's YOUR choice.  You said that you didn't really want to get married in the first place but you were pressured into it by your parents and by your culture.  If you know deep down that this life is not what you want, then do whatever YOU feel is the right choice for you.  Stand up for yourself and make the decision that you want to make, without letting others pressure you for once.

[Love77]

You're too nice.  If I were you I would DESTROY his games, yell at him, and tell him YOU NEED A HUSBAND TO START ACTING LIKE A MAN.  He is going to need to start acting like a father.  Why are you keeping all this to yourself? Especially with you being pregnant.  You need to have a serious talk with him.

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, Love77 said:

You're too nice.  If I were you I would DESTROY his games, yell at him, and tell him YOU NEED A HUSBAND TO START ACTING LIKE A MAN.  He is going to need to start acting like a father.  Why are you keeping all this to yourself? Especially with you being pregnant.  You need to have a serious talk with him.

He isn't the issue,  she didn't want to marry the dude. Period,  nothing left to say. 

No matter what he did or does it won't be enough to make her want to be married to him. Up until so got pregnant this marriage was most likely disposable for her, with the pregnancy it became real thus her urge to run.