How do I respond like a healthy adult?

[FaustLLL]

I'm a 22 year old female dating a 40 year old male for about 5 months now.

 

I'll try to keep this simple and will respond to questions if more context or clarification if needed.

 

I was going to go out on Friday night to a sushi restaurant I had been to before. There is a DJ I knew from highschool who I haven't been able to see live since I graduated. Most of their shows are VERY late so with my work schedule I could never go. Lately I've had weekends off and this show was starting at 10pm to 1 in the morning. They usually don't start until midnight. Plus it was kigurumi themed (japanese onsie) and they would play anime and video games so it wasn't a traditional rave style gathering. I also really wanted to eat traditional ramen. I told bf about this way in advance. He couldn't go because they're on call for work so they couldn't travel far away or drink. He also doesn't have a onsie lol.

 

Everything was fine until the closer it got for time for me to leave. Then he decided to text (we use snapchat mostly) to insinuate that other guys will be dancing up on me and then a little bit later I complained that I was sick with a cold and was about to start my period and he then insinuated that was good so I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else that night.

 

I decided not to go because I was sick and my nose was running like a fountain and the cold medicine was making my head cloudy. I didn't respond to his comments that night because I started to get tired and didn't want to expend my energy talking about his comments when I was sick. Now a day has passed and we are going out to eat lunch later today ( I decided the restaurant I wanted to go to that night) but I don't want to be obnoxious and say something dumb like "yeah so this is where I was gonna let dudes grind on me and take me home." 

 

How do I approach that his comments were unacceptable to me? Google says to start it out with "I felt XYZ when XYZ happened". It's very hard for me to verbally communicate. Please help. 

[salparadise]

It sounds to me like he was being facetious, but I don't know him like you do. If you feel that you have to discuss it then just say, BF we need to talk. Then say how it made you feel, without being overly dramatic. This should result in a sincere apology. Accept the apology  and tell him you hope he won't make such a mistake again. He agrees, discussion over. If he does not apologize and tries to discount your feelings... well, I assume you know what options are available. 

[Redhead14]

I wouldn't be so concerned about your response being that of a healthy adult.  His response was a little immature in that it was at best passive-aggressive.  However, the guy seems to at least be cognizant of the fact that he is a 40 year old man dating a very, very young attractive woman.  That said, tell him you don't appreciate the insinuation and would appreciate it if he didn't project his lack of confidence and jealousy onto you in the future.  If he doesn't trust you, he can move on.

[FaustLLL]

Thank you for the advice so far. I really needed someone to talk to. 

[carhill]

1 hour ago, FaustLLL said:

Then he decided to text (we use snapchat mostly) to insinuate that other guys will be dancing up on me and then a little bit later I complained that I was sick with a cold and was about to start my period and he then insinuated that was good so I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else that night.

Would you say this is one-off over your five months of dating or has he made similar comments in the past?

How is the relationship otherwise?

Did you date the DJ or have a relationship with him, presuming he's a male?

Is this 18 year older than you male the first older man you've dated? What's his relationship history? Divorced? Kids? Etc.

Welcome to LS.....👍

[Redhead14]

10 minutes ago, FaustLLL said:

Thank you for the advice so far. I really needed someone to talk to. 

Sweetie,  I know you probably don't want to hear anyone tell you that this guy is too old for you . . . but I am going to tell you that.  Find yourself a nice young guy, closer to your own age and who is not exploring a second childhood or operating with some kind of youth recovery agenda.  He's already trying to manipulate you and guilt you into doing the things as younger woman would enjoy and has the freedom to do. 

 

 

 

 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, FaustLLL said:

Thank you for the advice so far. I really needed someone to talk to. 

I really would urge you to date boys your own age. You are too young to date a 40 year old man. 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Watercolors

[snowboy91]

I think your best response is to just mention how you felt about his comments - saying that you felt "..." when he commented about guys dancing up on you.

You're entitled to have your own life, and you need to feel that he trusts you. I mean, of course guys may try and dance with you, but he should trust that you're not going to let them. I wouldn't call his comments all that "healthy" either so I wouldn't worry about getting it 100% right.

[simpycurious]

Being protective of someone you care about is one thing but being jealous to the point that you make 

snarky comments is way too much.  I am seeing more "older" ladies dating much younger men where I live

so I guess it goes both ways.

[Cookiesandough]

“ok boomer”

oh, sorry, healthy adult, right. 
 

“I felt” sounds almost a little too psychobabble for me, unless it’s in a context like this:

 “hey... what you said last night really bothered me because it makes me feel like you don’t trust me.” 
or something along those lines. Just tell him you didn’t appreciate those comments in a way that’s not snarky or accusatory 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

FaustLLL, while I commend you wanting to learn to respond like a healthy adult, you are still only 22.  If he can't deal with you instinctively responding as any of your peers would, then he has no business dating someone your age.   

[Redhead14]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

FaustLLL, while I commend you wanting to learn to respond like a healthy adult, you are still only 22.  If he can't deal with you instinctively responding as any of your peers would, then he has no business dating someone your age.   

Yep, I'm questioning whether he's a healthy adult . . .

[basil67]

And I'll probably get piled on, but I still maintain that such an age difference when one party is so young displays red flags.

[Fletch Lives]

He is not a healthy adult. He's the jelous type. Many savvy women know these guys are trouble and won't date them.

[Fletch Lives]

Oh I love younger women! Like five years younger, hehe! 

[Redhead14]

It's one thing for a guy to like/want/fantasize about having a younger woman.  Actually acting on those thoughts and ideas is something else.

[elaine567]

20 hours ago, FaustLLL said:

Everything was fine until the closer it got for time for me to leave. Then he decided to text (we use snapchat mostly) to insinuate that other guys will be dancing up on me and then a little bit later I complained that I was sick with a cold and was about to start my period and he then insinuated that was good so I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else that night.

He is the jealous type.
Few men really want their gf out on their own to mixed gatherings or to meet ups late at night with other guy friends, but most will trust their gf to do the right thing and stay loyal.
He not only does not trust you, but he is attempting to tell you what to do and denigrating you in the process... 
His jealousy and control issues may explain why he is single at 40 and why he has chosen a young naive and potentially malleable woman to date...
Next time you are going to think twice about "going out" and you will likely not go, or you will go only if he tags along, and that is exactly what he wants...
At 22 you need to be able to go explore the world, go where you want, when you want, you really don't want to be tied to your "Dad".
If you bend to his "control" here, you will live to regret it.

Edited March 2, 2020 by elaine567

[Redhead14]

Yep, you won't have a romantic relationship, you'll have a parent-child relationship.  That's why you're feeling the way you're feeling.  It's feels like a parent trying to control what you do  . . .

[FaustLLL]

This is the first time he's said anything like this. No I never had a relationship with the DJ. We didn't graduate the same year and I would say we are only Facebook acquaintances. I don't think he was hung up about him in particular and neither was I. I just wanted to say hi and try and make new friends with some girls actually.

His past relationship was 10 years long. Been single for about 2. Girl ended up cheating on him towards the end. I think this might be some baggage coming out on his end.

I never seriously dated older men before.  Longest relationship I was in was 6 years but that ended when I was 19 l and I had been in one other year long relationship and then gave myself more time to heal before Jesse and I met.

We both aren't interested in children or marriage and we actually have a lot in common for such a taboo age difference. 

I ended up telling him two days later when it was still bothering me that it upset me. He apologized and said he won't make comments about that kind of subject again. I'll keep him to his words and if they break well I know what to do.

22 hours ago, carhill said:

Would you say this is one-off over your five months of dating or has he made similar comments in the past?

How is the relationship otherwise?

Did you date the DJ or have a relationship with him, presuming he's a male?

Is this 18 year older than you male the first older man you've dated? What's his relationship history? Divorced? Kids? Etc.

Welcome to LS.....👍

 

Edited March 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and fix spacing

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 3/2/2020 at 7:52 AM, FaustLLL said:

This is the first time he's said anything like this. No I never had a relationship with the DJ. We didn't graduate the same year and I would say we are only Facebook acquaintances. I don't think he was hung up about him in particular and neither was I. I just wanted to say hi and try and make new friends with some girls actually.

His past relationship was 10 years long. Been single for about 2. Girl ended up cheating on him towards the end. I think this might be some baggage coming out on his end.

I never seriously dated older men before.  Longest relationship I was in was 6 years but that ended when I was 19 l and I had been in one other year long relationship and then gave myself more time to heal before Jesse and I met.

We both aren't interested in children or marriage and we actually have a lot in common for such a taboo age difference. 

I ended up telling him two days later when it was still bothering me that it upset me. He apologized and said he won't make comments about that kind of subject again. I'll keep him to his words and if they break well I know what to do.

 

 

Men just aren't very good at recognizing that because women can get sex anywhere, they don't have to waste every social effort on getting sex, AND (women) can have friends of the opposite sex withOUT ever being interested in more from/with those friends.

 

Men, on the other hand, have zero interest in making mere 'friends" with women they wouldn't rather be banging (whether they could ever 'get them' or not)... with exceptions only for work, neighbors, extended family friends, etc.

SO, when this boyfriend senses YOU having some interest in seeing an old high school friend DJ...  he (puts himself in your brain)... and doesn't like what HE would be thinking were it HIM in your shoes. 

(couple that with his likely sense of you as being young and fetching  (and himself being *incredibly fortunate*)  and I can sense from where his insecurity originates)

 

HOpefully you got it all resolved.

 

 

[smackie9]

Tell him to never talk to you like that again, that you didn't deserve such texts. Let us know what his reaction was. If he defends it, then he's too immature to communicate properly...he's trouble. Kick his butt to the curb.

Edited March 8, 2020 by smackie9

[overtherainbow1]

Lots of good advice. Don't date a 40 year old and don't believe that guys are your "friends". 

[IndigoNight]

Jealous isn't a good look on most people, and your boyfriend is no different. When he makes comments like that to you they tend to come from his own insecurity issues. He is a 40 year old "man" dating a 22 year old woman. It really isn't surprising that he is insecure, and probably jealous. You don't have to put up with it.

You could tell him "When you did XYZ, it made me feel ABC" or you could just say, "Stop acting like a man-child. I do not deserve your distrust. Either get your jealousy under control, or we are going to have a problem." Whatever you choose to do, it is in your best interest to nip his behavior in the bud, and do not accept it. He isn't doing it out of love. It isn't acceptable. He needs to stop. 

As for the comments on the age difference being problematic; there is some validity to it. However, a dear friend of mine who is in his late 50's is dating a 29 year old friend, and they have a great relationship. I too believed that their age gap was a bad idea, but they have proven me wrong in the almost 9 years that they have been together. Their relationship has more emotional maturity than many of the  40 somethings I know. If what you have with him is working for you, then keep doing what you're doing.