Friendship feels toxic now

[Luna66star]

Been friends with this woman for 14 yrs.  We used to work together.  When we hang out there's good  conversation and laughter sometimes.

We dont have a lot of interests in common.  I'm into health, spirituality, yoga, meditation.  She smokes, watches sports excessively, watches the news, etc.  She really has no interest when I talk about a meditation retreat and doesn't ask any questions.

She can sometimes cut off what I'm saying to start talking about her own thing.  Once in awhile she won't respond with anything on a particular conversation.  She will be looking out window or looking at her phone.  I dont make a huge deal at the time she does these things.   I am pretty laid back & easygoing.  But I am reflecting back on things now.

Shes married with a deadbeat husband (in my opinion).  No car.  They are both on disability pensions and don't work.  She is frequently saying how broke they are.  They buy tons of cigarettes (which in my opinion would save them tons of $ if they cut those out).  She loves spending her $ when she gets it but moans to me about being broke. 

On to the more recent issue.  She regularly hits me up to drive her to hospital, dr., store or to pick up this and that.  I happily oblige most times to be a good friend. Most times after we go to a park or run along the seawall together.

She's been quite  curt with texting saying one word replies.  Recently when her husband had a heart attack, she posted on FB.  I text to say how sorry I am to hear,  hope he improves.  No thank you - nothing.  Ask her do you need help- just a cold "nope".

Then following week she asks me to pick her daughter at airport at last minute which involves 2 hrs of my time driving plus stress.  Write back its notes good time.  

Three days later she replies with a terse ok.  A week after she pops up all  cheerie with some recipe (which I'm not at all interested in) like nothing happened. 

I feel she is punishing me for something with silence then popping up all friendly a week later.  I wonder if I am just a convenience to this woman and she really doesn't like me that much.

She can rant on critically about others at times.  She commented she doesnt know anyone who "carries dental floss in their purse". I do so I thought this was a cheap shot at me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I feel she is punishing me for something with silence then popping up all friendly a week later.  I wonder if I am just a convenience to this woman and she really doesn't like me that much.

She can rant on critically about others at times.  She commented she doesnt know anyone who "carries dental floss in their purse". I do so I thought this was a cheap shot at m

Has she done this to you before in your 14 years of friendship? Gone cold and aloof except when she needs something from you? Or, has this always been the dynamic of your friendship -- she uses you for car rides to places she needs to go, etc.? 

It does sound like she is using you. The friendship sounds very one-sided. You haven't written about anything she's ever done for you, just how you two are different, how she doesn't have anything in common with you, and you feel like she doesn't value you except for what you can do for her. 

I've ended one sided friendships with women I'd been friends with for years. It was really difficult and I grieved, but I had to do it for my own sanity and mental health. Some friendships are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some friendships last and some friendships run their course. 

[Ellener]

Work friendships we often try to keep going for nostalgic reasons but you two have nothing in common now you don't work together, not even similar manners or values. 

Now you've said no to an unreasonable request it'll probably fade naturally.

[Blues Drive Monster]

She's using you, I can't deduce anything else from what you have written. Just ignore her and move on with your life. Nothing good will ever come out of staying friends with her.

[Luna66star]

I feel used by her nowadays but I've known her for many years and thought we were friends.   Bought each other xmas and Birthday gifts. Only recently did I realize what has been happening.

I feel foolish now that I wasted my time and energy.  She's a good actress though.  Totally fooled me.  

Now she's acting quite weird.  Sending pictures of clothing she bought with no text messages attached.  WTF are these for?  Who cares.  I haven't down loaded them on to my phone as maybe she is evil enough to have included a virus to hack into my phone!

I remember sending a pic of us together at a Christmas luncheon in December.  No response like thanks or commenting on it.  Asked her later if she got it.  She replied with a terse "yes" and nothing else.  I'm  seeing red flag after red flag!

I'm running from this but bar!.

 

 

[Luna66star]

I distancing myself from this woman and she is getting all clingy and frantic. Sends texts non stop.

I'm basically refusing to meet up any further which  I feel is the right thing to do. I was there for her convenience onIy as she has no car.  told her I have to get my car windshield repaired because she accidentally scraped it with her scissors one day.  She was  "oh I'm so sorry"  but i don't feel she is but sends "suck up" texts like nothing is wrong. 

Pretending to be empathetic about my swollen ankle.  She is NOT an empath at all, in fact all she does is gripe about others and likely behind my back too.

I hate to sound negative myself.  It's not my nature but in this case I'm pretty mad and feeling taken advantage of.  My stupidity for allowing it!

Over the last year I feel she doesn't at all like me.  I don't think we are compatible as friends - different interests and temperaments entirely.  She hangs out to get free car rides while simply not responding to what I say at times, changing the subject entirely or interrupting with her own story.

I hate myself for trying to be a "friend " and allowing myself to be walked all over.  The next time we speak I will say I am fed up with being a free taxi service.  I am not going to feel guilty about it, no matter what she says.  In the past she would deliberately tell me all her problems so I would feel sorry for her. It worked - until now.

 

[ShyViolet]

Just because you've been friends with someone for a long time, that is absolutely not enough of a reason to continue it.  It sounds like you two have absolutely nothing in common, and you're not getting anything out of this friendship.  You should end this friendship completely... it sounds like you've already pretty much come to that conclusion.  Maybe telling her directly is necessary or else she will keep texting you.  

[Luna66star]

Hello.  Thank you for the feedback.  I told this woman how I feel recently.  Her husband called me 10 min later to say how selfish I am & how awful I am to refuse them when they don't have a car.

I expected this attempt at guilt tripping and it was upsetting.  They seem to feel entitled to these favors from me.  

 

[basil67]

Well if you ever needed further evidence that you should walk away, this is it.

If they cared about the friendship, they would have responded about not realising that there was a problem and asked how to make things better.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Luna66star said:

 Her husband called me 10 min later to say how selfish I am & how awful I am to refuse them when they don't have a car.

I expected this attempt at guilt tripping and it was upsetting.  They seem to feel entitled to these favors from me.  

 

So they don't view you as a friend, they view you as a car service.  They are grown-ass adults, time for them to take responsibility for themselves.

[preraph]

I am sorry to say that they are just using you. they sound like they are in a bit of a spot but from what you say they are not trying to help themselves at all. Cigarettes are extremely expensive. for the price of cigarettes they could be ubering everywhere. 

 

They are just panicking because they are losing their ride. I think now is a perfect time to block them from being able to call you or write you or text you and kick them off any social media. Be done with them. They will either sink or swim on their own steam and you might even be doing them a big favor by forcing them to improve their own lives. Do not feel guilty.

[Luna66star]

Thanks everyone for the support.  A real friendship is give & take.  Sometimes one friend gives more when needed, understandable.  This woman gave small amts of money once in the blue moon.  Even making some cookies, sending a big thank you text or saying I really appreciate you going out of your way would speak something.  The times I did double duty for her, like making extra trips or waiting around for hrs while she was in for day surgery - nothing from her, nada.  Its like being totally taken for granted.

I think being too available to someone can cause them to take you for granted.  Do people generally agree this is the case?  I was obliging to her 90% of the time because I wanted to help.  

 

  

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Luna66star said:

Thanks everyone for the support.  A real friendship is give & take.  Sometimes one friend gives more when needed, understandable.  This woman gave small amts of money once in the blue moon.  Even making some cookies, sending a big thank you text or saying I really appreciate you going out of your way would speak something.  The times I did double duty for her, like making extra trips or waiting around for hrs while she was in for day surgery - nothing from her, nada.  Its like being totally taken for granted.

I think being too available to someone can cause them to take you for granted.  Do people generally agree this is the case?  I was obliging to her 90% of the time because I wanted to help.  

 

  

Absolutely, it's quite astounding how many people take advantage of a good and generous nature, and even more astounding are the reasons they use to justify their behaviour. And the real kicker is that when you call these people out they reveal their true attitude towards you, which is a complete lack of regard or respect.  I'd leave her to it, let her use public transport and she can be that old degenerate standing at the bus stop sucking on a fag while she coughs up a lung.