Doomed to repeat the failures of your family?

[Inflikted]

Perhaps I'm just seeking some sort of "silver lining" to comfort myself about not being able to explore dating and relationships. But I've been thinking, and I wonder why I think I would've done any better than the rest of my family, had I been able to.

Do you think people are predisposed to having similar experiences with dating and relationships as their family and friends, and general upbringing?

Like, for instance, my family is nothing but bad, unhealthy relationships. I grew up never knowing what a good, healthy relationship is supposed to look like. Aunts, uncles, cousins, my sister, especially my parents... It's all bad. Relationships that are emotionally abusive, or where one person cheats on the other, or where someone got pregnant and now they're stuck together even though they're not in love, or where they've just settled but aren't really happy.

I don't feel like I'm any "better" or "smarter" than the rest of my family, so I feel like, had I been able to date, I would've just been in unhappy, unpleasant relationships. I don't exactly have a framework for what a good relationship is even supposed to look like, so how would I even get it "right"? Far as I can tell, relationships are mostly "bad".

And yet, even knowing that, I still can't help but long for it deep down, even though I know it would be bad.

I dunno. What is the impact of a person's upbringing on their romantic pursuits?

[Gaeta]

Yes your upbringing and environment will influence some part of your life but at some point, once you are adult, your life is defined by your decisions and it's not about mom's mistake anymore. 

Edited March 2, 2020 by Gaeta

[Inflikted]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yes your upbringing and environment will influence some part of your life but at some point, once you are adult, your life is defined by your decisions and it's not about mom's mistake anymore. 

Sure. But when one's only point of reference for what relationships are like is all "bad", how does one actually overcome that? How is one supposed to have happy, healthy relationships if they don't even know what that's supposed to look like?

[Gaeta]

Like I said, once adult it has to be your choice, and you have to educate yourself on how to acquire what you want.

A childhood friend of my adult daughter comes from a highly abusive and dysfunctional family. Early in life she knew she didn't want to repeat the cycle. She went on a quest by reading a lot of personal development books & going to therapy. Today (33 yo) she is educated, she is married with 2 little kids living a highly functional life. It's all her own doing. 

[gaius]

There are books, movies, TV shows, people out in public. A million sources to gain knowledge about relationships from.

Unfortunately for you I think genetics play a huge role. If you are biologically bred by dysfunction it's unlikely you'll ever be able to break fully free of it.

My family is as dysfunctional as it gets but my father, who I never met, I think gave me the tools I needed to break free from it. His DNA is the only thing that separates me from the rest of my family, who are all on disability and have no functional relationships. Same upbringing, different outcome.

 

[chillii]

You see all the time that yeah , it can.

But l always think that's a cop out for anyone and a pretty weak excuse. l grew up with my own ideas no matter what went on in my family. You grow up go out into the world and your life and moves and the way you want things and do things and the direction you point your life into , is your choice from there. Your an adult, your own person , you make your own rules and decide your own life and how you want it to be , and that goes for relationships marriage raising your kids , all of that , too.

Edited March 4, 2020 by chillii