feelingreallyanxious Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 I've been widowed for almost 10 years and during that time, I've had a few relationships. My adult daughter seemed ok with 1 of the prior boyfriends I had - he was very laid back and timid so much so that I bored of him. The next bf she despised- he was very nice to her but didn't have much in terms of assets (compared with me) and had an instance years before where he got in some trouble with his business. I kept them apart but it was a challenge given I saw him for several years. Now I've been seeing someone for almost 8 months and we get along great - he wants to marry in the next year - let me add we are both older (in our 60s) - the one time my daughter met him she didn't like him b/c she thought he was a controlling person and loud . He does tend to be vocal but he's not obnoxious and is very good to me and my adult son who lives in the area, unlike my daughter who doesn't. Well, here we go again...she wants to come home in a month for a long weekend to see me and her bf will come too but she does not expect me to see my bf at all during that weekend. Is that reasonable given it's a holiday weekend? I don't want to get into a tussle with her but how do I proceed? I realize things may not work out with my bf and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my daughter but I feel like no one will be good enough unless he is more like my old bf who kept his mouth shut.
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Let your daughter come home but see your BF out of her presence. It will send the message that while she's entitled to her opinion, she doesn't control you. 1
littleblackheart Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 37 minutes ago, feelingreallyanxious said: I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my daughter You shouldn't have to appease her at all. If you want you bf there, gently but firmly make her understand that she's only met him once so she ought to give him the benefit of the doubt for your sake, and have him there with you. 2
Fletch Lives Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Hmmmmm.............sometimes it takes a couple years for the kid to warm up to the new boyfriend. I would spend the weekend with your daughter and see your boyfriend another time. You can see your boyfriend anytime but it's harder to see your daughter.
vla1120 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I'm torn. On one hand, I think you could go the weekend without seeing your boyfriend to keep the peace with your daughter. BUT, on the other hand, you're a grown woman who has the right to see whomever she wishes and your daughter needs to respect your ability to select someone who meets your needs and with whom you enjoy spending time. Besides, how can she make a determination after meeting him ONE time? Given the fact that you've discussed marrying within the next year, I would arrange a dinner out with all of you (including your boyfriend and son) and tell her it is to give her an opportunity to get to know him better. You don't have to tell her you might marry him. You could just tell her you expect him to be in your life for the long run and would like the two of them to get to know one another a little better.
schlumpy Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Let's say you didn't like her boy friend. How would she react to that? Give her a choice. You will not see your BF that weekend if she comes without hers. 3
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 On 3/2/2020 at 10:19 AM, feelingreallyanxious said: I've been widowed for almost 10 years and during that time, I've had a few relationships. My adult daughter seemed ok with 1 of the prior boyfriends I had - he was very laid back and timid so much so that I bored of him. The next bf she despised- he was very nice to her but didn't have much in terms of assets (compared with me) and had an instance years before where he got in some trouble with his business. I kept them apart but it was a challenge given I saw him for several years. Now I've been seeing someone for almost 8 months and we get along great - he wants to marry in the next year - let me add we are both older (in our 60s) - the one time my daughter met him she didn't like him b/c she thought he was a controlling person and loud . He does tend to be vocal but he's not obnoxious and is very good to me and my adult son who lives in the area, unlike my daughter who doesn't. Well, here we go again...she wants to come home in a month for a long weekend to see me and her bf will come too but she does not expect me to see my bf at all during that weekend. Is that reasonable given it's a holiday weekend? I don't want to get into a tussle with her but how do I proceed? I realize things may not work out with my bf and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my daughter but I feel like no one will be good enough unless he is more like my old bf who kept his mouth shut. All of this other stuff is secondary to: (how) DO YOU wish to have your daughter happily engaged in your life in 20 years (so that YOU can then have the {entertainment} that is HER enjoying her own life and world.. and any grandchildren you might have from her) ?? IF the answer to that is "yes", then don't GAF where this boyfriend of the hour will be in 20 years as you sacrifice (what should have been some small element of a holiday weekend - the part where the BF is over) to share time with your visiting daughter. WHY light the fuse when there is zero reason to???
Pumaza Posted March 7, 2020 Posted March 7, 2020 On 3/3/2020 at 7:59 PM, schlumpy said: Let's say you didn't like her boy friend. How would she react to that? Give her a choice. You will not see your BF that weekend if she comes without hers.
Pumaza Posted March 7, 2020 Posted March 7, 2020 You cant force anyone to like others. sure not your kid. she may be rifht about him. but she still need to respect you. She is comming to your place,thats your place your rules.So if she dont want to see whats there,she can take a hotel. Just dont blind side her . Let her know your bf may be there, just as hers will be.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 On 3/2/2020 at 10:19 AM, feelingreallyanxious said: she wants to come home in a month for a long weekend to see me and her bf will come too but she does not expect me to see my bf at all during that weekend. Were it I, time with my child would be a priority. I'd explain the situation to the BF, I'm sure you can live without each other for 3 days. Over time, things will settle down... Mr. Lucky
2BGoodAgain Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 you spoil her... why does her bf have a status higher than your bf? if she's an adult, let her act like an adult. and so should you. though, i think you should let her know your bf is coming... just as i presume she let you know her bf is coming. yes? 1
Ronni_W Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 (edited) On 3/2/2020 at 1:19 PM, feelingreallyanxious said: [...] but she does not expect me to see my bf at all during that weekend. Is that reasonable given it's a holiday weekend? I don't want to get into a tussle with her [...] No, it is not reasonable...whether it is a 'holiday weekend' or not. But. Are you SURE that her perspective and opinion of him is not worth exploring a little deeper? Have you asked your son to be 100% honest and truthful with you, about your son's opinions about this current guy? Have you asked the same of all of your long-time friends and other family members? Is it just that your daughter has no care for your happiness, or is she the only one with the courage and love enough for you, to be honest and direct with you? Have you told her that you are well aware that things *may* not work out with your current beau / and assured her that you don't care about that and have emotionally and financially protected yourself against him exploiting or taking advantage of you? She may just have your own best interests at heart, even if she is not expressing it too well. If you feel sure that your daughter doesn't care about you or your happiness, then why worry about getting into a 'tussle' with her? You are old enough to not worry about the people who will not worry about you. Yes? Best of luck...I know that it's not so easy. Edited March 10, 2020 by Ronni_W Clarification 1
homesickclutter Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 I wish you all the best for your family and nothing but happiness.
salparadise Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 On 3/2/2020 at 1:19 PM, feelingreallyanxious said: her bf will come too but she does not expect me to see my bf at all during that weekend. Is that reasonable... No, not reasonable. Why are you allowing her to dictate whether you see your BF? Set the boundary. Tell her it's not for her to decide or to approve/disapprove. This is entirely your choice, and she needs to get with the program just as she expects you to do with respect to her bringing her BF. I think you must've been enabling this overstepping for a long time or it wouldn't even have come up. This is an opportunity for you to reset expectations. 1
MsJayne Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 It's your house, so no one but you gets to decide who comes around to spend time with you. She may be right about your BF, but that's irrelevant, it's your choice, not hers. Far more worrying is the fact that she thinks she has the right to boss you around and start dictating who you can have around when she's at your house. This is emotional blackmail, and she needs a sharp wake up call. I'd like a dollar for every time a nice relationship has been broken up by adult children who behave unfairly and try to justify it by pretending it's their parents welfare they're concerned about rather than their own selfish agendas. Since you mention it I assume that you're seriously thinking about marrying this guy, and what then? Will you have to send your husband off to a hotel every time Bossy Boots comes around? You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she has no say in this. Unless she suspects he's a John Meehan it sounds more like she's afraid that he might be someone who won't take her crap and might put a stop to you talking it as well.
ShyViolet Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 If your daughter doesn't live in the area, I'm guessing you don't see her very often? If that's true, then why can't you dedicate this one weekend to her? I don't think that's unreasonable. Why does your daughter think he's controlling? Has your boyfriend done controlling things that you didn't mention in your post? I'm just curious why she would say that if there's no truth to it.
contel3 Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 On 3/7/2020 at 4:09 PM, Pumaza said: You cant force anyone to like others. sure not your kid. she may be rifht about him. but she still need to respect you. She is comming to your place,thats your place your rules.So if she dont want to see whats there,she can take a hotel. Just dont blind side her . Let her know your bf may be there, just as hers will be. That's good advice. You can't force anyone to spend time with someone they don't like, but if she doesn't want to see your boyfriend she can stay at a hotel with her boyfriend. Problem solved.
JS84 Posted May 6, 2020 Posted May 6, 2020 She doesn't have to like the guy and you can't force her to accept him. That being said she shouldn't get to dictate when you can and can't see him just because she doesn't want him around. You should have told her not to bother coming with that attitude. Whether your bf is around that weekend or not.
hippychick3 Posted May 6, 2020 Posted May 6, 2020 This sounds very familiar. Did you post in the past about an incident with him being rude when your daughter came over for dinner with him there? I would not let your daughter dictate your relationships, but I would seriously give thought to exactly why she dislikes him and ask yourself if he is really the right person for you or are you just wanting the companionship.
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