Should I Ask Out a Girl Relatively Quickly or Wait to Get to Her Know First Then Ask Her Out?

[GuitarGuy7]

Let's assume that you meet a girl in real life and because you two are in the same group/club together, you will be seeing her fairly regularly. Should you ask her out fairly quickly or would it be better to wait and get to know her first, and then ask her after several months of knowing her? 

In this scenario, what would be the best option? 

I am in several clubs at my college that are full of attractive women but I haven't asked out anybody yet. In one of the clubs I am in that I just joined a month ago, there are several cute girls who I am interested in. I have talked to several of them fairly briefly and I even joined a co-ed small group full of cute girls as well.  I am trying to think of what my best option would be. 

[Eugeleh]

Build some rapport with a few people first. Otherwise, you'll quickly earn a reputation for being there for the sole purpose of looking for dates.

[Cookiesandough]

I don’t know about “months”, but a little rapport never hurt. By  doing that you get a feel if there’s a compatibility there for you as well beyond the physical.  Honestly I’m at a point now where I just cannot be about a guy who cold approaches me out of the blue. Not that into that style. 
 

 

Edited March 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[clia]

You need to be really careful here because if you ask one girl out and she declines, you can't just move on to the next girl.  No one wants to be someone's second choice, and you will develop a bad reputation with the girls in the club.  If you start asking girls out too soon, it will be awkward for you.  

Your best bet is to play the long game, build rapport, make friends with these girls, and see if any of them start to show interest in you.  Don't rush into anything.  

[d0nnivain]

You can go through every girl in the club the way you would swipe on an app.  You have to be discrete & selective.  See which girls pay attention to you & express interest.  Focus on them. 

In college it's OK to get to know somebody through a shared activity before asking them out.  It's also more acceptable for a softer "ask."  You don't have to organize that 1st date as your initial move.  You can test the waters.  If there is a party or school event coming up, announce to the lady you fancy that you will be attending that event & see if she shows up.  

[d0nnivain]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You can go through every girl in the club the way you would swipe on an app.  

typo:  that should say you can NOT go through every girl.  

[Fletch Lives]

39 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You can go through every girl in the club the way you would swipe on an app.  You have to be discrete & selective.  See which girls pay attention to you & express interest.  Focus on them. 

In college it's OK to get to know somebody through a shared activity before asking them out.  It's also more acceptable for a softer "ask."  You don't have to organize that 1st date as your initial move.  You can test the waters.  If there is a party or school event coming up, announce to the lady you fancy that you will be attending that event & see if she shows up.  

 - Excellent post.

 

We ask them for dates to get to know them when we would not see them otherwise. 

If you already see them regularly, they can develop a crush, a low level of love - so there is no need to date! Wait - if she gets a crush on you, she'll probably ask you out. Then it's a guaranteed "yes" and no rejection.

[normal person]

You should ask them out when they've given some indication that they want you to ask you out. Otherwise, you can pretty safely assume they don't want you to ask them out. 

It's that simple. 

[The Outlaw]

I get to know them first and try to find common ground. It's better that way. 

[Foxhall]

Agreeing also, you need to feel comfortable chatting to a girl on conversational level before you should ask her out,

give it a couple of months at that and take a few more chances then once your conversations are flowing better,

if you are thinking too much about asking them out it is likely to stress you too much, leave that for the time being.

[alphamale]

you should cavort with the chicks you like.  get to know them a bit over a few weeks.  then go in for the kill sooner rather than later

[LuckyM]

*I agree with these answers. However, if you wait too long, they may drop out of this group or find someone else.

I don't think there's a pat answer for all girls. I had girls go out with me immediately, to my surprise, to bed,

and others I knew for months that said no. If they view you as a "friend" you are done for. That's my experience anyway.

[manfrombelow2]

What do you mean by "get to know her first"???

Because "getting to know someone" is exactly what people do in dates.

If you dig a chick, you ask her out. If she agrees then you are going to have a good time. If she rejects then you move on to the next one.

That's how it works.

[elaine567]

As GG7 says  he has little natural charisma, nor does he have the looks to appeal to many girls.
If he then just asks them out then his rejection rate will be I guess close to 100%.
He and guys like him need to sell themselves first and that involves getting to know her and her getting to know him.
Once that platform is established  then asking out and being successful is much more likely, not guaranteed obviously but much more likely.

Yes the friendzone is a risk, but as I see it. it is that or nothing in this case.
Cold approaches are difficult for even the most desirable guys, the only chance the OP has IMO is to forget the obviously "cute" girls and start looking around for that nice girl who may give him a chance if he takes the time to get to know her. 
"Cute" girls are usually looking for "cute" guys... 
He needs to look out for "interest" not cuteness.

[Envy123]

I only had success when I acted upon signs of interest. Pushing romance early always had girls run for the hills.

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

As GG7 says  he has little natural charisma, nor does he have the looks to appeal to many girls.
If he then just asks them out then his rejection rate will be I guess close to 100%.
He and guys like him need to sell themselves first and that involves getting to know her and her getting to know him.
Once that platform is established  then asking out and being successful is much more likely, not guaranteed obviously but much more likely.

Yes the friendzone is a risk, but as I see it. it is that or nothing in this case.
Cold approaches are difficult for even the most desirable guys, the only chance the OP has IMO is to forget the obviously "cute" girls and start looking around for that nice girl who may give him a chance if he takes the time to get to know her. 
"Cute" girls are usually looking for "cute" guys... 
He needs to look out for "interest" not cuteness.

Agree so much had to repeat it.

Cold approach is tricky enough when you have good social skills and all the other "goods."    

[carhill]

If you feel the buzz of attraction, ask her out. She already knows if she'll say yes. Dawdle and she'll get to no.

[mark clemson]

I agree with all the advice to keep an eye out for signs of her interest. When you ask, ask one of those.

[preraph]

10 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said:

What do you mean by "get to know her first"???

Because "getting to know someone" is exactly what people do in dates.

If you dig a chick, you ask her out. If she agrees then you are going to have a good time. If she rejects then you move on to the next one.

That's how it works.

 

Exactly this.  The only reason you date is to get to know the person . That's how you get to know them.  A date isn't a commitment and doesn't even imply you even know for sure you like them.  It's to get to know them.  Then if there's nothing there, it fizzles and you don't date and just walk away.

[GuitarGuy7]

The reason why I ask this question is because I have no experience with dating whatsoever, i'm a 25 year old kissless virgin, so I really have no idea how dating works. When people say it "just happens" I have no idea what the hell they're talking about, it never just happened for me and I doubt it will.   

It's super hard to find that balance between knowing when is the right time to ask a girl out. For one thing, you have people who give you the advice to ask a girl out right away, and then you have people who tell you that you should get to know a girl first before you ask her out.  But the question is, what's the right choice?   For me, the reason why I might choose to wait and get to know her first is because perhaps I can make her attracted to me if she finds out that i'm actually a cool guy and we have common interests, but i'm not sure if that's a good strategy or not.  What if I get to know a girl for 6 months only to find out that she was never attracted to me in the first place? On the other hand, if you ask a girl out right away, you have to rely on the fact that she is initially attracted to you; and like elaine said, i'm not super attractive and not particularly confident or charismatic enough to get women to become attracted to me. That's why apps like Tinder would never work for me. 

It's so frustrating!   What the hell am I supposed to do?! 

I'm starting to think that it's impossible for me to find a girlfriend, I really do.   And it's sad because I think that I would make a good boyfriend. I have a social life, I go to all of these clubs at my college filled with tons of women. I have a job, i'm not a fat neckbeard who sits at home and plays video games all day, in fact I don't even play video games all that much. I also have many different hobbies and interests such as playing guitar and the piano and video editing and videography. I'm athletic and workout 3 times a week and I play soccer throughout the week with friends that include people of the opposite sex.  Yet when it comes to women and dating, i'm f***ing terrible.  I'm the worst!   

Do you know how frustrating that is?  It's gotten to the point where i'm about ready to say screw this, i'm heading to Nevada or Southeast Asia or get some sort of dating coach!  I just can't seem to catch a break in my love life...  I literally have zero experience at 25 years old, pathetic...

 

Edited March 12, 2020 by GuitarGuy7

[GuitarGuy7]

Screw it, i'm just going to go ahead and ask some girls out in my rec sports team.  I'm not too sure they're going to say yes BUT the season is almost over with and because of coronavirus we can't have any practices anyways.  I figure what the hell, this is pretty much my hail merry, I got nothing to lose, move. 

[nospam99]

OP, dude, have you or have you not posted that in groups you participate in you have GOTTEN THE REPUTATION as 'that guy who INDISCRIMINATELY asks ALL the girls if they want to go out'? IMO if you get that reputation, you go almost all the way to sabotaging your chances. Your reputation is what you've got to lose. I hope others reading this topic with give second opinions (again) .... amiright?

IIRC you have a few disadvantages in dating. Forgive my poor memory and me being too lazy to go back and look it up. But I'm thinking height and some kind of ASD are on the list of disadvantages. If ASD, I suspect that is a factor in you not having enough PATIENCE to wait and not 'go ahead and ask some girlS out' - emphasis on the plural.

My recommendation (and I am NO dating guru so take what I say with skepticism) is to get a male friend to wingman you (yes, I just verbed a noun or two). Hopefully you do have one or more guys you can trust to ask BEFORE you act like a jerk what they think you ought to do to improve your chances.

[SumGuy]

10 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

...or get some sort of dating coach!  

This.  All the advice you are given here cannot take into account the details of you or your situation that can only be gleaned in person.  There is no magic one size fits all for you or for women..there is no one right way.  There is no easy, magic do just one thing, that will make things better.  real change usually requires a lot of little things over time, just like you approach your work out.

Alot of the advice you receive here is given with context and reasoning behind it.  It is for you, an adult, to make the judgement call.

I get you don't trust your own judgment so agree a dating coach is what you need. 

On the idea of seeking prostitutes, even where legal, people have shared with you the potential future consequences of this.  Can guarantee you no woman I have ever been with would date a man who has seen a prostitute.

On just asking someone out, nospam99 nailed it.  You have your reputation to consider...those creeps women talk about don't come out of no where, don't be that guy.  You think you have difficulty now, it will be worse if you are that guy.

For all the advice you get on just ask them out, look at how it is couched, it's context.  Often the advice is couched in terms of ask out those women you feel are interested in you, show some sign of interest.  Can you pick up those signals correctly? Can you separate friendly from interest?    I agree if you can pick up on those early signal ask them out, but from what you have written I don't believe you can.

It is also couched in ways of doing it in a non-off putting manner, and are aware of personal space.  Can you do that?  Do you know the difference between nonchalant non-threatening and creepy?  Again, if you can do that go for it, but from what you have written I don't believe you can.

Get a good coach, he or she will be able to help you learn this after seeing how you interact.  From how you describe yourself there appears to be nothing fundamentally wrong with your body or lifestyle...so it comes down to your social skills.  A good coach and therapist can help you with those, prostitutes will not, they will just stroke your ego as that is what they are paid to do.

Edited March 12, 2020 by SumGuy

[GuitarGuy7]

7 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Often the advice is couched in terms of ask out those women you feel are interested in you, show some sign of interest.  Can you pick up those signals correctly? Can you separate friendly from interest?    I agree if you can pick up on those early signal ask them out, but from what you have written I don't believe you can.

Yeah, i'd probably have a hard time figuring out whether or not a woman is interested in me.  Some of the girls I interact with throughout the various college clubs that i'm in are the friendly and extroverted type of girls who are always saying hello and touching you on the shoulder etc...   but they have boyfriends so I understand that it doesn't mean they're romantically interested in me; it's simply their personality type.   And then you have the women who are simply being nice but get uncomfortable around you if you try to make a move on them, so yeah that sucks too. 

Since iv'e never had a girlfriend, never hooked up, etc... I can't look back on past experiences and use that for a reference point.  In fact, the last time I knowingly had a girl interested in me was back when I was a teenager.   The vast majority of women I interact with don't give you obvious signs; which this is probably the case for most men who aren't really good looking and not super charismatic.  What this tells me is that only a small percentage of women are receptive towards me; the vast majority of women I interact with are either not interested at all, or they don't know me well enough to form an opinion yet.  But this is only what I think. 

[nospam99]

@sumguy said, speaking of prostitutes. ''they will just stroke your ego as that is what they are paid to do. ''

ya know, I really try to not post when I'm not contributing to the discussion. But can't resist when the straight line is this good ... that is not all they are paid to stroke! :D

Or ... 'ego'? Is that what we are calling 'it' now?

Edited March 12, 2020 by nospam99