Is my behavior justified?

[Lorf10]

Hey guys, 

I have never experienced something like this... I have been really close with this one girl. We hang out everyday, cuddle and sometimes even hold hands in public. Yesterday I decided it is time to make a move. We went out to a bar with a few friends. She came up to me, we started dancing and then I asked her "Can I kiss you"... Her answer: "Later". So I asked "does that mean no" ? And she said "I don't know". Anyways so I was thinking "I shot my shot, might as well just tell her everything now". So I did. 

I asked her to come with me and I explained how I felt and why I felt a certain way and asked her why she acted the way she did. She said that she thought we were just friends... Which I questioned by asking why we were holding hands, etc... I didn't use any bad words, neither did I pressure her, I told her what I thought is the truth. 

Anyways, at one point she said she doesn't wanna talk anymore and ran away. I accepted it. I let her go. I was sad. I went for a walk. Called my best friend. I thought we were done. 

And now the plot twist. 10 minutes later her best friend calls me yelling at me "why did you do this? She thought you guys were friends. Now she is balling her eyes out and won't stop and we have to go home. Don't text anyone for tonight" and hung up.

I'm really confused. Why is she crying? Is she actually crying because she saw me as such a close and good friend that she is sad that she lost me now? Why am I being seen as the "bad guy"? 

It's important to notice that I did not force myself on her, didn't use any bad words, didn't lie. I just opened up. 

 

 

//Edit: Also why did she say "later" after I asked to kiss her? If we are just friends why didn't she just say "No sorry, I thought we are just friends"? 

Edited January 11, 2020 by Lorf10

[Angelflower]

hum... sounds like you put her on the spot and then maybe embarrassed her. I don't know... I think she said later because you were on the dance floor and maybe your other friends would see. Next time... just lean in and kiss her. Right now just back off and let her cool off and think about it. I am sure everything will work ok in a few days. Maybe reach out to her mid week if you haven't heard from her and see if she is ok and if you can talk about what happened.

Edited January 11, 2020 by Angelflower

[Lorf10]

17 minutes ago, Angelflower said:

hum... sounds like you put her on the spot and then maybe embarrassed her. I don't know... I think she said later because you were on the dance floor and maybe your other friends would see. Next time... just lean in and kiss her. Right now just back off and let her cool off and think about it. I am sure everything will work ok in a few days. Maybe reach out to her mid week if you haven't heard from her and see if she is ok and if you can talk about what happened.

Okay, thanks for the answer. But why did she tell me tht we are just friends? 

So do you also think the "later" might have been serious? Like she wanted to do it somewhere quite? Not on the dance floor? 

I think I'll leave her for now and check in with her after a few days. I don't feel bad about what I did although I was intoxicated. 

[d0nnivain]

She's upset because everything is now awkward & she knows she lost a good guy friend who made her feel safe.  She doesn't want to date you but she knows that now you two will be strained when you hang out, you can't talk every day & the hand holding physical contact she grew to enjoy has to stop.   It would not be fair to you to continue.  In a lot of ways she lead you on which was wrong of her. 

On your end, just be cool.  Do not bring this up to her.  Just be yourself but do not initiate anything with her for a while.  Be warm when you see her in a group setting but put some distance in here.  

[elaine567]

Trouble is that many women see cuddle buddies as just good friends and now you have showed your interest in her sexually/romantically she now knows that the good "friendship" is now over. She has lost her cuddle buddy...
You were lusting after her all along and that is upsetting as now she feels like she was duped into trusting you, duped into letting you get close to her...
Best to not get into such relationships with girls.
Make your intentions clear from day one. 

[Lorf10]

Thanks for your answers guys. I don't think I will/want to get close to her again. I feel like I have been used. 

I haven't made my intensions a 100 percent clear, true. But also she knew I liked her since I asked her out multiple times. And she said yes. 

I don't think I have a lost a close friend. I have lost some weight that I was carrying around with me that made me enjoy my life less. 

 

[alphamale]

dude, you've been in the friendzone for quite some time.  now you have rocked the boat by trying to take it further.  if she was into you romantically you would have banged her a long time ago

[JTSW]

Her behavior is a little strange Imo. 

She wouldn't have said 'later' if she wasn't at least thinking about it herself. 

 

[Lorf10]

2 hours ago, alphamale said:

dude, you've been in the friendzone for quite some time.  now you have rocked the boat by trying to take it further.  if she was into you romantically you would have banged her a long time ago

That is just wrong in my case. I am a virgin. I would not have "banged" her. I would not do that without commitment. That's my standards...

 

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Her behavior is a little strange Imo. 

She wouldn't have said 'later' if she wasn't at least thinking about it herself. 

 

That is what I am thinking too. At some point she said she does not feel ready for a relationship.

----

Also her best friend texted me asking what is going on. The girl has not talked to anyone about it. It's weird. 

Also I wanna add: After I asked her to kiss and she said "later", we went to grab a drink and I wanted to leave but she grabbed me and went out to dance with me again. At some point some other guy was also dancing with her and after I walked up to her and asked "How is it going with *insert name*" and she just started yelling "It's not like that!!". Then I told her how I felt and then she started crying. It's sad that her friends don't know why she was crying either. Because, I PROMISE, I have not said anything that should hurt her.

[alphamale]

2 minutes ago, Lorf10 said:

That is just wrong in my case. I am a virgin. I would not have "banged" her. I would not do that without commitment. That's my standards...

 

fair enough...but next time you want to kiss a girl don't ask her if you can kiss her

[carhill]

3 hours ago, Lorf10 said:

I'm really confused. Why is she crying? Is she actually crying because she saw me as such a close and good friend that she is sad that she lost me now? Why am I being seen as the "bad guy"? 

It's not about you, rather the feelings your existence fulfilled in her. The crying is about her, not you. There's billions more out there to fill that hole in her world. She's crying over the hole, not the human. Someone else will happen along to fill it up and your existence will be forgotten. IDK how old you are but I went through that period and 20's-early 30's waiting for that committed relationship and ran into this a lot. TBH, it's likely healthier to be out banging girls as a teenager.  Those guys are grandfathers now. Women validate that behavior with their actions regardless of whatever words and tears occur. It works.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't know how old you are, but I can only share an experience from a long time ago when I was in college.  One of my good guy friends was teaching me to play racquetball.  We were in a larger group of friends together, knew each other well, and I really liked him as a friend, even went to his house one weekend (with a huge group of friends) while his parents were away, liked learning racquetball.  But when he "switched it up" and asked me on a date.....I cried.  I cried because I really liked our friendship, but didn't like him that way and didn't want to hurt him.  And then I cried some more when I learned someone told him I cried!  Ugh.  We actually did go on a date, though, and I got my period in the middle of dinner, was completely unprepared for it, and we had to go back to the dorms.  I don't remember what happened after that, but we remained friends. But I don't remember playing racquetball anymore :(.  Now we're both 47 and he's married with kids and I'm friends with him and and his wife on Instagram, but haven't seen them in probably 20 years.

[Lorf10]

I'm 20 years old.

15 minutes ago, carhill said:

It's not about you, rather the feelings your existence fulfilled in her. The crying is about her, not you. There's billions more out there to fill that hole in her world. She's crying over the hole, not the human. Someone else will happen along to fill it up and your existence will be forgotten. IDK how old you are but I went through that period and 20's-early 30's waiting for that committed relationship and ran into this a lot. TBH, it's likely healthier to be out banging girls as a teenager.  Those guys are grandfathers now. Women validate that behavior with their actions regardless of whatever words and tears occur. It works.

Well, I am sorry to say this but I am too good to be this person to fill the hole. I know there are people out there that want me to be with them and not just fill their hole.

15 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

I don't know how old you are, but I can only share an experience from a long time ago when I was in college.  One of my good guy friends was teaching me to play racquetball.  We were in a larger group of friends together, knew each other well, and I really liked him as a friend, even went to his house one weekend (with a huge group of friends) while his parents were away, liked learning racquetball.  But when he "switched it up" and asked me on a date.....I cried.  I cried because I really liked our friendship, but didn't like him that way and didn't want to hurt him.  And then I cried some more when I learned someone told him I cried!  Ugh.  We actually did go on a date, though, and I got my period in the middle of dinner, was completely unprepared for it, and we had to go back to the dorms.  I don't remember what happened after that, but we remained friends. But I don't remember playing racquetball anymore :(.  Now we're both 47 and he's married with kids and I'm friends with him and and his wife on Instagram, but haven't seen them in probably 20 years.

Thank you for sharing this. This sounds reasonable, however for me in my situation the "pain" being in this somewhat ambiguous situation made my life way worse than it could be. Also I had reasons to believe she might be interested in more. In your story the guy didn't really have any proper reasons to believe you might be interested. I could touch her butt, she would cuddle me before bed, we would hold hands. All these things are actions that made me feel like I am doing something good when I ask her for a kiss. 

 

[d0nnivain]

You were being gallant when you asked for the kiss.  This girl started crying because she knew she was using your for physical comfort as a cuddle buddy & not giving back to you in return.  When you asked for more her selfishness hit her in the face.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, Lorf10 said:

In your story the guy didn't really have any proper reasons to believe you might be interested. I could touch her butt, she would cuddle me before bed, we would hold hands. All these things are actions that made me feel like I am doing something good when I ask her for a kiss. 

 

All true!  I'm sorry for your hurt :(.  

[Mrin]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

On your end, just be cool.  Do not bring this up to her.  Just be yourself but do not initiate anything with her for a while.  Be warm when you see her in a group setting but put some distance in here.  

This. 100%. I am not entirely sure this might not turn into something in the long run. But you just have to give her time and space. Every seemingly wackadoodle thing that women on this thread are telling you is something she felt and is feeling all at that same time, all at once. You're the emotional equivalent of a 1980's calculator, dude. She's some quantum super computer. You just gotta let her figure it all out. Time and space. Time and space.  

Also - just a suggestion. Don't make up.yoyr mind about her. I can already see you closing your heart. Just chill. Don't overanalyze her words (e.g. later). Just chill. And whatever you do, don't send any emails or texts. In a day if two you might want to text her friend and just say you're good and don't harbor any ill will towards the girl. That message will eventually get back to her. 

 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[preraph]

Yes, she's crying because she lost a friend.  Although her boundaries are crap if she's cuddling with you and holding hands on a regular basis.  How long has this been going on?

[carhill]

OP, it's a good life lesson. People will take as much as they can get. Love, money, power, attention, whatever. Harsh lesson but life is transactional. Alphamale was spot on in his assessment.... IMO, if you 'like' a girl as a lover, don't be a friend. If you befriend a girl you don't fancy as a lover and your feelings change, act on that and accept the results.

You unfortunately hooked up with an attention hoover. What she did was completely legal and valid in her mind. She deserves the attention you gave her. Actually, IME, she was pretty cool with the butt touching and cuddling and hand holding and such. That meant she valued what she was getting from you more than some other guy who she didn't need/want to do that with.  Look up ladder theory for more explanations of how you'll be cataloged. It's not overt or sinister, just the way things are in life. Once you accept reality for what it is, life gets a lot easier.

[preraph]

Oh, Gawd, is this the butt touching guy.  🙄

[Piddy]

1 hour ago, alphamale said:

fair enough...but next time you want to kiss a girl don't ask her if you can kiss her

Yup, a girl will just turn her head and won't allow you to kiss her if she isn't interested.

[Lorf10]

23 minutes ago, Mrin said:

This. 100%. I am not entirely sure this might not turn into something in the long run. But you just have to give her time and space. Every seemingly wackadoodle thing that women on this thread are telling you is something she felt and is feeling all at that same time, all at once. You're the emotional equivalent of a 1980's calculator, dude. She's some quantum super computer. You just gotta let her figure it all out. Time and space. Time and space.  

Also - just a suggestion. Don't make up.yoyr mind about her. I can already see you closing your heart. Just chill. Don't overanalyze her words (e.g. later). Just chill. And whatever you do, don't send any emails or texts. In a day if two you might want to text her friend and just say you're good and don't harbor any ill will towards the girl. That message will eventually get back to her. 

 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Thank you, I really appreciate this answer. I can imagine that maybe even her brain just exploded from all the emotions that went through it. So many things happened she probably didn't even expect to happen. 

I am trying to forget about her for now, live my life without worrying! Thanks!

 

54 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yes, she's crying because she lost a friend.  Although her boundaries are crap if she's cuddling with you and holding hands on a regular basis.  How long has this been going on?

Around 2 months now... 😕

[Lorf10]

34 minutes ago, preraph said:

Oh, Gawd, is this the butt touching guy.  🙄

? 

25 minutes ago, Piddy said:

Yup, a girl will just turn her head and won't allow you to kiss her if she isn't interested.

Mhm true. I will not try it again with her tho. The next girl will come

----

Also may I ask what you guys think about her saying "It's not like that" after I asked her about the other guy that was hitting on her? I don't know but to me the sentence "It's not like that" seems pretty defensive? Like if I would ask my best friend about a guy/girl he/she is with I would never get that answer.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, alphamale said:

fair enough...but next time you want to kiss a girl don't ask her if you can kiss her

But do be sure that the kiss is desired on the other end.  

[alphamale]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But do be sure that the kiss is desired on the other end.  

indeed basil67, otherwise we would have a #metoo violation

[basil67]

1 minute ago, alphamale said:

indeed basil67, otherwise we would have a #metoo violation

I guess if you want to take it that far....your prerogative I guess.      But for me, it's simply unpleasant for the girl having to do the whole getting out of the way thing and for the guy who read it so wrong.