Is my behavior justified?

[Caauug]

2 hours ago, Lorf10 said:

Well what can I say. There is a big plot twist. I have no clue what I did to that girl for her to treat me like she did. But well, I was out with some of her friends and all of them seemed to be "awkward" towards me... Eventually they asked me what happened between me and the girl. I just said that I felt used, etc... But that I thought that we are cool now. And then:

So apparently the girl told everyone (well not everyone but some people) that I desperately wanted to be FWB with her and that I told her to "get with me"...?!! 

I literally have no words for this and can't believe any of this. Yeah she friendzoned me, so what? I still was (at least that's what I thought) a half way decent human being to her the whole time.

I am done with her. I blocked her on every social media platform and have no intentions to talking to her at all anymore. 

Even funnier: HER friends told me that I shouldn't waste my time on that girl and that I can do better. 

//EDIT: Her friends believe my story... They don't believe that I asked her for anything sexual because they know me. And they trust me more than her... 

Good onya Mate!!!! You convinced her friends you are in the right.... <wink>

Now step back and give your head a shake!!! They are telling you what you want to hear.... They are HER friends..... Not yours!!!

WTF???? 

Rule 1: Trust no one

Rule 2: See Rule 1

What would ever make you think HER friends would tell you the truth????

I don't know.... Rule 3: Three is a crowd? Keep friends out of relationships. Hearsay is BS!!! Seeing is believing.... The list goes on...

The relationship is over, let her go. Look after yourself and heal. Learn from your mistakes.

[Lorf10]

Thank you for your honest answer. I really appreciate it. Especially how you are being honest without being rude.

Quote

Ok, I agree somewhat on having standards, values or morals what ever you want to call them..... But it can also work against you and other people when you are non-flexible within your "Standards"

I just wanted to have commitment BEFORE any sexual intercourse. Is that bad? I don't think so. You know I told her for me sleeping with someone is not necessarily only about "fun" but also something to show what you feel for the other person. 

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

WTF!!! This girl was opening herself up to you and you shot her down in a ball of flames??? You thought rejection hurt when she would not kiss you? She was offering far more than a kiss and YOU REJECTED HER!!!!

What do you think that did to her self esteem? She had to have feelings for you then to keep meeting you. But sadly over time you destroyed anything she felt for you!!!

So I asked her about me grabbing my lower are just now when we were talking last week. She said "it was by accident". So that does not count anymore.

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

Why would she want to? 

Her love/lust for you must have been really strong. She trusted you, risked being called a slut and offered herself to you. You continued to reject her (this goes really deep to her core attacking her SMV). Why she returned to you as a friend for more abuse I do not know. All she can do is try to save some of her dignity and move on.

It's all good to have "Standards" but when those standards hurt other people's feelings (for you) it is not in your best interest to have those standards or maybe be more flexible with them. People move at different speeds in a relationship, you were in a relationship with her. There was: You and your relationship to her. And: Her and her relationship to you. You destroyed her relationship to you with rejection. She being a trooper wanted to let you down easy and not hurt your feelings..... I do not think you would be so kind to her...

Yes, I am angry at you.

I highly doubt that her "list for you (me) must have been really strong". She knew me. She knew how I want to get in a relationship. She knew that I am waiting for someone to feel what I feel for them. It would have been easy:

"I like you".

And she never told me that. She never said those words. Actually far away from that: Her friends told me at that time that she DOES NOT LIKE me. Yeah I might have waited too long. But everything I did felt justified and right in my mind. Which obviously does not make my actions acceptable. I am just trying to explain why I did what.

---

Okay yeah, well let's take your opinion into account. I turned her down and rejected her. Does that  (including your opinion) give her any reason to talk s**t about me to her friends? NO. Does that make her someone I don't wanna date anyways? Yes. 

Let's make myself seem like an even bigger idiot. Doesn't even matter anymore. I messed up with that girl, no matter whose fault it is/was.

So, I was staying at her place last night and well I might have fallen asleep in bed with her friend. Nothing else happened. But still. I also ignored all her messages when she was asking me "where I am?" yesterday night because I was with her friend the whole night. I haven't talked to her, she just saw me leaving her place and the only thing she asked was where I slept...

  

1 minute ago, Caauug said:

Good onya Mate!!!! You convinced her friends you are in the right.... <wink>

Now step back and give your head a shake!!! They are telling you what you want to hear.... They are HER friends..... Not yours!!!

WTF???? 

There is a long story to why I can trust that one friend. I know she is telling me the truth. It's her character. I know I shouldn't trust any of her friends  but that particular friend I trust.

Also there is no "crowd"... Like I am just assuming there are more people that know about it from her and so I assume that she told the wrong story.

Edited January 18, 2020 by Lorf10

[Caauug]

29 minutes ago, Lorf10 said:

I just wanted to have commitment BEFORE any sexual intercourse. Is that bad? I don't think so. You know I told her for me sleeping with someone is not necessarily only about "fun" but also something to show what you feel for the other person. 

No, not bad but you both have to be on the same page. Maybe get into a commitment sooner in the relationship? I hope you are not talking marriage for the commitment...

36 minutes ago, Lorf10 said:

So I asked her about me grabbing my lower are just now when we were talking last week. She said "it was by accident". So that does not count anymore.

BS.... She is trying to save face in damage control.

 

40 minutes ago, Lorf10 said:

She knew me. She knew how I want to get in a relationship. She knew that I am waiting for someone to feel what I feel for them. It would have been easy:

"I like you".

And she never told me that. She never said those words.

No, she likely did not tell you.... In words.... But I think she showed you in actions.... There are many good comments on this thread about female actions speaking louder than words.... Like it or not, "Girls" speak in actions, you have to learn to read them (maybe I made that a good save, I have to be careful here)

58 minutes ago, Lorf10 said:

But everything I did felt justified and right in my mind. Which obviously does not make my actions acceptable. I am just trying to explain why I did what.

Yes, but you were not alone in this relationship.... When you feel you are "Justified or right" likely someone feels the opposite. It is never black and white....  This is the point I am trying to make about your "Standards", be flexible. I am not saying to lower your "Standards" but maybe move the goal posts? 

1 hour ago, Lorf10 said:

I turned her down and rejected her. Does that  (including your opinion) give her any reason to talk s**t about me to her friends? NO. Does that make her someone I don't wanna date anyways? Yes. 

Yes, you attacked her SMV with rejection then rubbed it wanting a kiss. She will want to save face, she opened herself to you and you rejected her. Her talking to her friends is her way of sorting out her feelings and damage control. There is two sides to every story, maybe her side is important to her. It is sometimes better to smile and say "She was a nice girl, I am sorry we could not go further." Dirty laundry does not need to be shared.

Why use her friends as a messenger? They love it as they are in the middle of your drama but they will never deliver the message as you intended. Never ever talk via friends!!! If they ask always give a "Maybe, at sometime, possible, but not really sure" answer. Girl talk needs a translator at the best of times, how messed up can it get with a messenger in the middle?

If you are ever interested in any of her friends be very careful as they will be watching your reactions.... Be nice and short is sweet. Make a drama and they will know what to expect from you.

You are not an idiot.... Do not call yourself one and I never/would never say you were. We all make mistakes that makes us human. What will make you an Idiot if you do not learn from your mistakes. 

I am sorry it did not work out, learn from the mistakes and move on.

Dirty laundry belongs in the washer not on the cloths line.

Everyone does NOT need to know every detail. Lots of people will ask, very few want to know. Be nice, keep it short and sweet.

Her "true story" may mean more to her than your truth does to you. (I had a huge problem with that and it took a lot for me to understand) I hope you can grasp the meaning faster than I did. 

[Lorf10]

I am sad it didn't work out, obviously. But I also know that the way I was treated is not the way I deserve to be treated. Actually, it's not the way anyone deserves to be treated. Maybe that's why she doesn't necessarily have a 'large' group of friends. Because no one likes people who act like her. She is manipulative and egoistic. (I am not just saying this to get over her. I have been told this by a lot of my friends but always ignored it and said that they were overreacting..., next time I should listen to them?)

My problem isn't even that she "rejected" me. No, we could still be as close friends as we were before but it's more about that she does not care about me. She does not care about how I feel. She does what she wants to do. But I let her do that with me... I always realized that she does not necessarily care about how her actions influence other people. But it never really hurt me. I knew she had that trait and now she hit me with it.

Since I am not 'actively' talking to her anymore (about a week now) I am way more organized and I started following my passions (music and sport) way more again. I feel like I live life how it is supposed to be lived. And if I continue doing this I will meet the right person some time. 

Thank you for all your help. It is really hard to not answer her texts right now but I think after some time I will thank myself for being as strong as I am right now.

Also another thing I learned: If a girls actions and words don't line up, she is most likely not the right one. 

Edited January 19, 2020 by Lorf10

[Lorf10]

Hey back,

so to continue the story:

We haven't talked in over 4 weeks except when we saw each other with friends. She texted me here and there but I ignored every message. Just recently she started acting more weird which includes unfollowing me on Instagram after texting me that she is gonna do that (and I didn't answer) and her friends told me that she got "more depressive/anxious" than she already is/was. 

The problem is her being sad/mad/obviously wanting me back makes me feel bad. So my friends have suggested talking to her. However, I don't know if that's a good idea? Her behavior is bothering me and it is dragging me down. Although it shouldn't, but I still care about this person. I believe blocking her is just gonna make the whole situation worse... Especially thinking about her depression/anxiety. So talking might work better? Explaining why I don't like her behavior? Trying to stop her from doing it, in a mature way? 

She also keeps telling everyone that I know why she is having mental health problems but she won't tell her friends why, so her friends ask me to tell them what her problems are. I obviously don't tell them. But I also don't like that she is telling her friends that. It puts me in a "you are my best/closest friend" situation which I don't wanna be in anymore. I gave her the chance and she didn't take it. it's her fault. But I wanna get out of it. Basically, I want her to leave me alone without hurting her (making her more depressed/anxious).

Is talking gonna help? Or will she never understand it?

[Shining One]

3 hours ago, Lorf10 said:

Is talking gonna help?

I don't believe it will. My advice is to ignore her unless she shows up naked at your door.

[bradt93]

13 hours ago, Lorf10 said:

Hey back,

so to continue the story:

We haven't talked in over 4 weeks except when we saw each other with friends. She texted me here and there but I ignored every message. Just recently she started acting more weird which includes unfollowing me on Instagram after texting me that she is gonna do that (and I didn't answer) and her friends told me that she got "more depressive/anxious" than she already is/was. 

The problem is her being sad/mad/obviously wanting me back makes me feel bad. So my friends have suggested talking to her. However, I don't know if that's a good idea? Her behavior is bothering me and it is dragging me down. Although it shouldn't, but I still care about this person. I believe blocking her is just gonna make the whole situation worse... Especially thinking about her depression/anxiety. So talking might work better? Explaining why I don't like her behavior? Trying to stop her from doing it, in a mature way? 

She also keeps telling everyone that I know why she is having mental health problems but she won't tell her friends why, so her friends ask me to tell them what her problems are. I obviously don't tell them. But I also don't like that she is telling her friends that. It puts me in a "you are my best/closest friend" situation which I don't wanna be in anymore. I gave her the chance and she didn't take it. it's her fault. But I wanna get out of it. Basically, I want her to leave me alone without hurting her (making her more depressed/anxious).

Is talking gonna help? Or will she never understand it?

Yes, ignore her and it's not fair to you that she keeps on this roller coaster. Find another woman who truly appreciates you.

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, bradt93 said:

it's not fair to you that she keeps on this roller coaster.

He is keeping himself on the roller coaster.

[Lorf10]

I have straight up told her that either she starts growing up, stop playing games, stop texting and contacting me or I will block her on social media. I think she got the message although she didn't seem too happy about it. But that is her problem now. She let a chance go and she realized later she shouldn't have let that chance go. Maybe she will learn. Maybe she won't. At least that's not my problems anymore.

[Caauug]

On 2/12/2020 at 1:04 AM, Lorf10 said:

I believe blocking her is just gonna make the whole situation worse... Especially thinking about her depression/anxiety

Not your problem, you are not in a relationship with her so it is not your responsibility. 

On 2/12/2020 at 1:04 AM, Lorf10 said:

Is talking gonna help? Or will she never understand it?

No, words don't mean much, she will understand actions!!!! 

You may have noticed girls talk a lot, that is how they express their feelings. They voice all kinds of feelings, problems, ideas/scenarios etc. Talk is cheap (to them). Most people on this thread have said that. Actions speak much louder than words. She will listen to your actions. You meet up, text, email, snap chat etc she will see you are still excepting being in her orbit of friends, you are still clinging on to hope....

On 2/12/2020 at 11:13 PM, Lorf10 said:

I think she got the message although she didn't seem too happy about it. But that is her problem now. She let a chance go and she realized later she shouldn't have let that chance go. Maybe she will learn.

Are you trying to punish her? LOL..... That will never work!!!   As a female she can go out and in a few hours (mins) find multiple suiters to do what ever she pleases, (even if she is fat & ugly, and I don't think she is). She will be over you before you are over her. So what if she has a few quick BF's and maybe a 3some or more to make it easier? You will just be that boy she had a crush on back when she was too young to know better,  if she remembers... Female punishment might have work 100 years ago (only until the next meal was expected....), but women's liberation has made that 100% redundant now. Do NOT ever try that again, it is like shooting yourself in the forehead with a high powered rifle.

[Lorf10]

Sorry Caauug. I haven't seen your reply up until now. 

 

On 2/15/2020 at 9:10 AM, Caauug said:

No, words don't mean much, she will understand actions!!!! 

You may have noticed girls talk a lot, that is how they express their feelings. They voice all kinds of feelings, problems, ideas/scenarios etc. Talk is cheap (to them). Most people on this thread have said that. Actions speak much louder than words. She will listen to your actions. You meet up, text, email, snap chat etc she will see you are still excepting being in her orbit of friends, you are still clinging on to hope....

I have stopped all of it. Although I think there could have been a friendly way to solve this by talking. I have always been taught to be honest and talk with people but apparently not many people value this anymore?.

On 2/15/2020 at 9:10 AM, Caauug said:

Are you trying to punish her? LOL..... That will never work!!!   As a female she can go out and in a few hours (mins) find multiple suiters to do what ever she pleases, (even if she is fat & ugly, and I don't think she is). She will be over you before you are over her. So what if she has a few quick BF's and maybe a 3some or more to make it easier? You will just be that boy she had a crush on back when she was too young to know better,  if she remembers... Female punishment might have work 100 years ago (only until the next meal was expected....), but women's liberation has made that 100% redundant now. Do NOT ever try that again, it is like shooting yourself in the forehead with a high powered rifle.

Good to know lol. I think I did everything right (even if it had the wrong intentions).  I am slowly getting over her. I had a few other people hitting on me but I politely let them know that I wasn't interested (still boost my ego a bit, sorry for saying that). Anyways, life goes on. It's not purely my fault it didn't work out and there are way more fish in the sea.

Thanks for everyones help.

[Lorf10]

Hey guys, 

I just have a short question. I have been led on by this girl for a long time (well she said she likes me but isn't ready to date, all that "bs", you can check my other threads) and about 2 and a half weeks ago I decided to confront her and tell her that I need distance and don't necessarily wanna see her again. So I asked her to meet up and she said she wanted to talk to me as well... The day came and she didn't show up so I asked her where she was and she said "I forgot"... I just said "it's all good" and then blocked her on every social platform. I also had an important week after that so I didn't want her to text me or start some frame. 

I also try not to make eye contact when I see her, like I look on the ground or my phone or just anywhere else. 

She doesn't try talking to me either when we walk past eachother. 

However, I feel like my bahvior is childish? Which it probably is? But also I feel way better without her in my life.

So I don't know how to feel. I feel really good without having to deal with her/be with her but on the other hand I feel bad because I'm scared that my behavior is too childish? Also because I know she will/does talk s*** to me to her friends... So she will probably be like "he is so childish" and I don't want stuff like that to go around... Especially because our friend groups overlap... 

 

Thanks for any help! 

[Silver_star]

I think you did the right thing for you in blocking her on your phone. She is not ready to date is not BS, she literally sounds not ready to be in a relationship. Respect that, and move on. Avoiding her is fine if that is what you need to move on. 

Who cares what she says to her friends. She will deal with things her own way. Mutual friends will understand that she is giving her side of the story. You can tell them you just did what you had to do to move on. True friends will understand.

[schlumpy]

It's not childish as long as you are ignoring her to avoid temptation to break NC. Once your feelings abate then it will be childish. 

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, Lorf10 said:

. I feel really good without having to deal with her/be with her but on the other hand I feel bad because I'm scared that my behavior is too childish?

No. You are not being childish by any stretch of the imagination. She's a time waster. She has no consideration for your time when she makes plans with you.  How long, exactly, are you supposed to be at her beck and call?  What's childish is her not respecting people's valuable time and being selfish, self-centered and self absorbed. Get out of this demoralizing thinking.

Quote

Also because I know she will/does talk s*** to me to her friends... So she will probably be like "he is so childish" and I don't want stuff like that to go around... Especially because our friend groups overlap... 

Let her say whatever she wants to say to whomever she wants to say it.  Talk is cheap and if any of them have any experience of her, they'll think you did the right thing and that you had the stones they wished they had to stand up for yourself and make a decision to put her out.  

If the best your circle of friends can do is gossip behind this cretin, then you need a new and more mature group of friends.

[scooby-philly]

If you stick to No Contact and not play games blocking/unblocking, etc. - then it's fine. Especially as she's been toying with you and it sounds like you see each other in other settings, so she knows how to get a hold of you if she's serious. 

 

As others said - don't worry about what she tells her friends. If they believe her while knowing you then it's on them for being foolish, immature, etc. If y'all are over 20/21 then this kind of immaturity needs to go out the window.

[Lorf10]

Thank you guys so much for your answers. We are both 20 years and in Uni. Well, physically 20 years, that doesn't mean mentally 20 years....

I have no intentions of unblocking her anytime soon. The only way I would ever talk to her again if she comes up to me on the street, stops me from walking and says "I think we should talk." But we all know that's not gonna happen.

For now I just try to avoid her. My best friend (also close friends with her, also lives with her) is on my side and tries to keep me away from her. If we hang out she doesn't invite her because she knows that she treated me like s***. She actually told me about 4 months ago that I deserve better than her. 

I am happy I made the decision to block her. It was hard but I have made so many more positive experiences. And you guys "supporting" my actions makes me even feel better. Thank you!

She doesn't deserve me and my time when she forgets to hang out with me (let's not add that I skipped class and ditched other friends, just so I can be available to talk to her).

 

 

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Lorf10 said:

Hey guys, 

I just have a short question. I have been led on by this girl for a long time (well she said she likes me but isn't ready to date, all that "bs", you can check my other threads) and about 2 and a half weeks ago I decided to confront her and tell her that I need distance and don't necessarily wanna see her again. So I asked her to meet up and she said she wanted to talk to me as well... The day came and she didn't show up so I asked her where she was and she said "I forgot"... I just said "it's all good" and then blocked her on every social platform. I also had an important week after that so I didn't want her to text me or start some frame. 

I also try not to make eye contact when I see her, like I look on the ground or my phone or just anywhere else. 

She doesn't try talking to me either when we walk past eachother. 

However, I feel like my bahvior is childish? 

 Actually the result -- cutting her out of your life was quite mature.  However the way you went about it needs polish.  

When she blew you off you lied & said it was all good.  Then you blocked her. That was passive aggressive.   You needed to be more mature & honest.  You should have said "look that is part of the problem & why I wanted to talk to you.  You treat me horribly like you don't care.  Blowing me off like this because 'you forgot' is just the latest example.  You couldn't even be polite enough to give me courtesy.   So you know what?  We're just done.  I am deleting you."  Then you should have blocked her & ignored her when you see her.

Do you see where I'm coming from?  Telling her it was all good when clearly it wasn't was the wrong thing to do.   

[Lorf10]

45 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 Actually the result -- cutting her out of your life was quite mature.  However the way you went about it needs polish.  

When she blew you off you lied & said it was all good.  Then you blocked her. That was passive aggressive.   You needed to be more mature & honest.  You should have said "look that is part of the problem & why I wanted to talk to you.  You treat me horribly like you don't care.  Blowing me off like this because 'you forgot' is just the latest example.  You couldn't even be polite enough to give me courtesy.   So you know what?  We're just done.  I am deleting you."  Then you should have blocked her & ignored her when you see her.

Do you see where I'm coming from?  Telling her it was all good when clearly it wasn't was the wrong thing to do.   

Ahh yes. I see what you mean! 

I should have done that, that's true. I think in the moment I was just not thinking enough. 

Also I feel like I did it because I thought telling her would hurt her and then she just comes back promising she will change but I know she won't? 

Thank you tho! I'll remember that if it ever comes to a similar situation with a different girl. 

[snowboy91]

Your decision to block her is justified.

As hard as it is, I'm not sure ignoring her when you see her in person is all that mature - at least acknowledge her existence. I know it's hard to do at 20, but it's not like she's a stranger to you.

[d0nnivain]

Just be more forthright in the future.  It's all you can do.  

Carry on ignoring her.  At most if you have no choice you give her a tight lipped fake 1/2 smile & curt nod of the head in acknowledgement that she's on this earth but you don't interact with her.  

[Lorf10]

Okay. I can do that. I have only ignored her twice up until now. So that could have just been because I actually have not seen her. 

I will do the "nod and smile" from now on! Thanks! 

[Lorf10]

Just another question. Sorry...

Today I had to talk to her since we were scheduled for the same shift... She seemed to either ignore the way she treated me or just think everything is fine. She acted like nothing ever happened... I am kinda annoyed by it? Does she not realize that she actually hurt me? Does she just not care? I didn't talk to her much... She kept bringing up topics but I just gave her short answers and didn't ask any questions. Just to clarify, I wasn't an a**h***, I talked to her but I didn't make any efforts to keep the conversation going.

But is her beahvior normal? Like acting like nothing happened? I don't like it. Because that's not the truth... Isn't that like "childish"? Like "I'll just ignore everything that happened and then it'll be fixed"...

[carhill]

This is normal. As a person, for an attention hoover, you don't exist, rather as a portal to dispense them what they want, attention. That her words or actions may have offended you, hurt you, betrayed you, whatever, is irrelevant. She's not being purposely mean or rude to you, you just don't exist as a human being to her, not in the same way she or others may exist for you. Once you accept reality, life gets easier

[Lorf10]

17 minutes ago, carhill said:

This is normal. As a person, for an attention hoover, you don't exist, rather as a portal to dispense them what they want, attention. That her words or actions may have offended you, hurt you, betrayed you, whatever, is irrelevant. She's not being purposely mean or rude to you, you just don't exist as a human being to her, not in the same way she or others may exist for you. Once you accept reality, life gets easier

I understand. I have no clue how people can live like that. I would feel terrible for using people. I feel terrible for what I'm doing now although I know I have every right too.