Giving my girlfriend space

[HotShotChinez]

Hi there!

I've been through a lot lately as my gf mom does not agree with out relationship together and has been nagging on my gf so much that she's been crying everyday...

The reason is that her mom thinks I'm too young, too naïve, she don't think I'll be able to fulfil her mom's list of what she wants for her daughter (marriage and house) after my graduation.

My gf wrote a long text to me saying she can't take it anymore with her mom and that it would be best to go separate ways because she don't think her mom will ever stop and destroy the relationship.

I tried to call her but she didn't pick up and she just replied with texts saying she can't fight it anymore and seemed so sure about her mom being able to destroy the relationship. 

In the end she told me she needed som time to think, so we're basically on a break right now I suppose?

I'm writing here because I want to know some stuff from people's own experience:

-I know I'm gonna give her complete space so even stopped texting good morning and good night, but wrote a little text saying "hey Babe, I how are you doing and feeling, I just wanted to check on you and tell you I still love you and miss you like crazy and that I haven't given up on us as I know we can figure something out together", this was three days after letting her think, so how long would be "sufficient" enough for her to think?

-Would it be possible that she sees another guy at this point since we're technically temporary broken up?

-I wanna stay positive and trust she will take her own life into her own hands not being manipulated by her mom, but can't but help to think this is going to hell... I've already packed her stuff she has at mine.... Do things like these usually end up the bad way?

Thanks in advance folks!

[Daisydooks]

I would personally move on. Here is why... Your girlfriend respects her mother here more than she values her relationship with you. You need to respect her choice, even if her mother has pushed her to it. Maybe she agrees with her mother and wants to use her mother as an excuse to end it. You will never truly know what the answer really is here. There is a part of her that is more willing to fight for her relationship with her mom, than the relationship with you. Right now, you have no other choice but to respect her. Messaging her has to stop. You will not win her back by trying to change her mind or message her every few days. If she needs time to think, give her space. She will message or call when and if she changes her mind.

My mother tried to always warn me and it wasn't because she had perfect relationships, but because she saw me in herself. She knew she had made poor choices and spent a lot of time unhappy. She didn't want that for her only child, her baby.

It typically never ends well when you have a partner with parents who hate you UNLESS they are able to keep proper and appropriate boundaries with their parents. Some parents ARE wrong and over step their boundaries completely. It is up to the child to place boundaries, and say "unless you can respect me, my partner and our relationship, you are no longer allowed to be around or you're no longer allowed to have an opinion." It is a little harder when she still lives at home and mom doesn't want you in the house  

How old are you? Is her mother justified? Are you living at home with you own parents right now? What is the career path you will be choosing once out of school? What is your plan for your future? Does she have a job? Has she herself finished school? Does she live with them? When you messaged her 3 days ago, did she respond at all? What are you plans for a house, marriage, children? Are they practical plans? Or just pipe dreams?

Why do you personally think her mother is so against you dating her? 

Edited March 3, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Beendaredonedat]

How old are the two of you?  When do you graduate and are you meaning after high school or are you in college/Uni?

 

Please don't text her again.  If she wants to be with you she will reach out.

[HotShotChinez]

31 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

I would personally move on. Here is why... Your girlfriend respects her mother here more than she values her relationship with you. You need to respect her choice, even if her mother has pushed her to it. Maybe she agrees with her mother and wants to use her mother as an excuse to end it. You will never truly know what the answer really is here. There is a part of her that is more willing to fight for her relationship with her mom, than the relationship with you. Right now, you have no other choice but to respect her. Messaging her has to stop. You will not win her back by trying to change her mind or message her every few days. If she needs time to think, give her space. She will message or call when and if she changes her mind.

My mother tried to always warn me and it wasn't because she had perfect relationships, but because she saw me in herself. She knew she had made poor choices and spent a lot of time unhappy. She didn't want that for her only child, her baby.

It typically never ends well when you have a partner with parents who hate you UNLESS they are able to keep proper and appropriate boundaries with their parents. Some parents ARE wrong and over step their boundaries completely. It is up to the child to place boundaries, and say "unless you can respect me, my partner and our relationship, you are no longer allowed to be around or you're no longer allowed to have an opinion." It is a little harder when she still lives at home and mom doesn't want you in the house  

How old are you? Is her mother justified? Are you living at home with you own parents right now? What is the career path you will be choosing once out of school? What is your plan for your future? Does she have a job? Has she herself finished school? Does she live with them? When you messaged her 3 days ago, did she respond at all? What are you plans for a house, marriage, children? Are they practical plans? Or just pipe dreams?

Why do you personally think her mother is so against you dating her? 

I'm 23 and she's 29. I'm currently sharing a flat with my classmate and my gf is living with her mother in a flat and she's currently working full-time. I'm graduating in a bit more than a year and we had plans to buy a house after my graduation and start building our own little family, also marriage the year after.

After my text she responded "I need time to think" 

My gf explained her mother thinks I'm too young, too naive, she thinks I won't be able to buy a house even though I have savings, she wants her daughter to find a man who has a good job now and that can marry her soon. Never have I ever heard my gf tell me she wants marriage or a house out of her own free will it's always "my mom wants me to"...

[HotShotChinez]

25 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said:

How old are the two of you?  When do you graduate and are you meaning after high school or are you in college/Uni?

 

Please don't text her again.  If she wants to be with you she will reach out.

I won't text again, it's all up to her now

[schlumpy]

Do you know with certainty that her mother is trying to break you up or do you only know what she has told you? Have you ever talked to her mother about this?

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, HotShotChinez said:

I'm 23 and she's 29. I'm currently sharing a flat with my classmate and my gf is living with her mother in a flat and she's currently working full-time. I'm graduating in a bit more than a year and we had plans to buy a house after my graduation and start building our own little family, also marriage the year after.

After my text she responded "I need time to think" 

My gf explained her mother thinks I'm too young, too naive, she thinks I won't be able to buy a house even though I have savings, she wants her daughter to find a man who has a good job now and that can marry her soon. Never have I ever heard my gf tell me she wants marriage or a house out of her own free will it's always "my mom wants me to"...

Ok. Is she correct? Are you naïve in thinking all of this will fall into play immediately after coming out of school? What field are you going into? 

I am getting a feeling this has a lot more to do with your girlfriends feelings than her mothers. Have you spoken to her mother? Are you even allowed to go over there?

Edited March 3, 2020 by Daisydooks

[scooby-philly]

Hey @HotShotChinez - responding to both you and the great response from @Daisydooks together.

• You do need to confirm (and if you know then it will help us to know) that what your gf shared is true or if she made it up or is exaggerating beyond belief.
• Even if she didn't make it up or exaggerate it ten fold, she could be using it as an excuse to back out.
• If you've dated for more than a year, and since you apparently know each other's family/friends - she should have done this to your face. That, mixed in with the fact that she's 29 and still lives with her mom and also lets her mom provide such bad and selfish advice - that says a lot about her as a person.
• Good parents worry and try to help their children. Bad parents try to manipulate, use, or in this case - live vicariously through their children. Sure, she could be overprotective. But from what you shared it sounds like her mom simply has unrealistic expectations about life and love and projects them on her daughter. If they're living together in a flat and she wants her daughter to buy a home - maybe she wants to leach on her daughter or maybe she just wants to be able to brag about her daughter and "son-in-law" about how successful they are to others.
• Regardless of the reason, your gf is 29. By 20/21 a woman (or man) should have boundaries with their parents. That's even more critical when you're an adult and living with them. The fact that she's allowed it to get to this point where she's ready to break up speaks volumes of her and the relationship she has with her family. 
• I was in a little bit of a same boat recently. I'm 38 and was dating a 24 yr old. She was still living with her parents and her mom in particular did not want to date till she was completely finished her education. So while my family and friends knew about her, her family did not know about me. I know, foolish as I look back on it, especially as we spent close to two years together. But in retrospect I understand that if she wasn't able to tell her parents at 1 year or 1.5 years (or even if we had officially hit 2 years) then she wasn't going to ever tell them. Her fear of them, her low self-esteem (due to being sheltered, babied, and having a "know-it-all" self-defense mechanism) (which is ironic because while she's smart, she went to school in the ghetto and a small crappy university, so she's not as bright as she thinks and certainly didn't go to great schools), he worry about looking cool and being the "nice girl" prevents her from being happy and being herself - so her fears/anxiety was more important to her than I was. Yeah, I was heartbroken when she dumped me out of the blue, but I realize now it was never going to be forever - because of her.
• Maybe she sees someone. If she's honest about all of this and she's just at a mental/emotional breaking point maybe she'll accidentally run into someone she opens up to and something happens. But if she's telling the complete truth, then she'll probably not see anyone - though if she's been planning this for a while and didn't tell you then she may, once the chord if fully cut - quickly start looking for someone else - if no other reason that as a rebound.
• The question for you to consider is this - do you want to put up with this? If you're gf is 29 and can't control her mother - what does that say about your future together? It may suck like hell, but think to yourself, especially as you're the younger one....what do you want in the future for yourself? How about a GF who would fight for you instead of run away? A gf (and one day wife) who keeps any crazy family/friends in check so you both can be healthy and also have a healthy relationship and a healthy family one day. Do you really need this drama in your life? If your current GF puts up with this at 29 then guess what, it will be like this till the day her mother croaks and even after, she may continue to try and please a dead mother. You deserve better. Anyone deserves better.
• Go NC. If she reaches out at some point in the next month - outline a very clear, detailed, and step-by-step action plan and tell her in no uncertain terms - if she balks at any of these things - then you're done. You owe it to yourself.

[HotShotChinez]

16 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Ok. Is she correct? Are you naïve in thinking all of this will fall into play immediately after coming out of school? What field are you going into? 

I am getting a feeling this has a lot more to do with your girlfriends feelings than her mothers. Have you spoken to her mother? Are you even allowed to go over there?

Well, she started talking about mortgages with me her mom and apparently she thought I was naive the way I was so sure about how to get a mortgage. Bear in mind I did not lie as the things I said was true. I'm graduating as a chiropractor.

Yeah I've spoken to her. She has made such judgement after seeing me one time. But it is what is now and all I can do is wait and see what happens, if it's meant to be it's meant to be

 

[preraph]

If she asked for space, just give her space.  No matter who she sees, her mother is going to meddle unless she just lets her mother arrange a marriage for her.  It's a shame and to me, a crime against personal freedom.  Her mom sounds like a jerk, honestly.  I mean, you are going to be a chiropractor, already have savings.  I guess she wants her daughter to marry a billionaire.  Honestly, I wouldn't marry a 29-year-old who let her mother still run her life.  If she hasn't set the boundary by now, she never will probably.  You'll have to let her mother run both your lives to be with her.  This type stuff makes me sick.  I wouldn't wait long.  I think a lot of women would be lucky to have you and you can probably do better and find one whose family isn't a pain.

[kendahke]

Work on being the best chiropractor in your area so much that it makes her mother want to cut out her own tongue for running you off to her almost 30 year old daughter still living under her roof instead of buying her own house and living on her own.

Her mother will be a part of your marriage and child rearing decisions and you don't want that kind of a dragon in your midst.

[HotShotChinez]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

If she asked for space, just give her space.  No matter who she sees, her mother is going to meddle unless she just lets her mother arrange a marriage for her.  It's a shame and to me, a crime against personal freedom.  Her mom sounds like a jerk, honestly.  I mean, you are going to be a chiropractor, already have savings.  I guess she wants her daughter to marry a billionaire.  Honestly, I wouldn't marry a 29-year-old who let her mother still run her life.  If she hasn't set the boundary by now, she never will probably.  You'll have to let her mother run both your lives to be with her.  This type stuff makes me sick.  I wouldn't wait long.  I think a lot of women would be lucky to have you and you can probably do better and find one whose family isn't a pain.

Yes, I'm giving her that now, eventually she has to reach out as she has her stuff here, until then fate decides.

Thanks for saying these words, means a lot.

[HotShotChinez]

11 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

Hey @HotShotChinez - responding to both you and the great response from @Daisydooks together.

• You do need to confirm (and if you know then it will help us to know) that what your gf shared is true or if she made it up or is exaggerating beyond belief.
• Even if she didn't make it up or exaggerate it ten fold, she could be using it as an excuse to back out.
• If you've dated for more than a year, and since you apparently know each other's family/friends - she should have done this to your face. That, mixed in with the fact that she's 29 and still lives with her mom and also lets her mom provide such bad and selfish advice - that says a lot about her as a person.
• Good parents worry and try to help their children. Bad parents try to manipulate, use, or in this case - live vicariously through their children. Sure, she could be overprotective. But from what you shared it sounds like her mom simply has unrealistic expectations about life and love and projects them on her daughter. If they're living together in a flat and she wants her daughter to buy a home - maybe she wants to leach on her daughter or maybe she just wants to be able to brag about her daughter and "son-in-law" about how successful they are to others.
• Regardless of the reason, your gf is 29. By 20/21 a woman (or man) should have boundaries with their parents. That's even more critical when you're an adult and living with them. The fact that she's allowed it to get to this point where she's ready to break up speaks volumes of her and the relationship she has with her family. 
• I was in a little bit of a same boat recently. I'm 38 and was dating a 24 yr old. She was still living with her parents and her mom in particular did not want to date till she was completely finished her education. So while my family and friends knew about her, her family did not know about me. I know, foolish as I look back on it, especially as we spent close to two years together. But in retrospect I understand that if she wasn't able to tell her parents at 1 year or 1.5 years (or even if we had officially hit 2 years) then she wasn't going to ever tell them. Her fear of them, her low self-esteem (due to being sheltered, babied, and having a "know-it-all" self-defense mechanism) (which is ironic because while she's smart, she went to school in the ghetto and a small crappy university, so she's not as bright as she thinks and certainly didn't go to great schools), he worry about looking cool and being the "nice girl" prevents her from being happy and being herself - so her fears/anxiety was more important to her than I was. Yeah, I was heartbroken when she dumped me out of the blue, but I realize now it was never going to be forever - because of her.
• Maybe she sees someone. If she's honest about all of this and she's just at a mental/emotional breaking point maybe she'll accidentally run into someone she opens up to and something happens. But if she's telling the complete truth, then she'll probably not see anyone - though if she's been planning this for a while and didn't tell you then she may, once the chord if fully cut - quickly start looking for someone else - if no other reason that as a rebound.
• The question for you to consider is this - do you want to put up with this? If you're gf is 29 and can't control her mother - what does that say about your future together? It may suck like hell, but think to yourself, especially as you're the younger one....what do you want in the future for yourself? How about a GF who would fight for you instead of run away? A gf (and one day wife) who keeps any crazy family/friends in check so you both can be healthy and also have a healthy relationship and a healthy family one day. Do you really need this drama in your life? If your current GF puts up with this at 29 then guess what, it will be like this till the day her mother croaks and even after, she may continue to try and please a dead mother. You deserve better. Anyone deserves better.
• Go NC. If she reaches out at some point in the next month - outline a very clear, detailed, and step-by-step action plan and tell her in no uncertain terms - if she balks at any of these things - then you're done. You owe it to yourself.

Thanks for the input! 

I see where this will go, if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be, it's her own choice on how this will end.

[HotShotChinez]

6 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Work on being the best chiropractor in your area so much that it makes her mother want to cut out her own tongue for running you off to her almost 30 year old daughter still living under her roof instead of buying her own house and living on her own.

Her mother will be a part of your marriage and child rearing decisions and you don't want that kind of a dragon in your midst.

Thanks for saying this, it's appreciated definitely.

Yeah, I'm gonna try to get out of this mess once there's more clarity to it.

I'll definitely aim to become the best Chiro there is!

[ExpatInItaly]

At nearly 30, her mom calls all the shots in her life. 

You have dodged a bullet, if that's true. She is a grown woman who apparently can't make her own decisions. Married life would be a nightmare, with you almost surely taking a backseat in your own marriage to her mom. That wouldn't work well.

And if it's not true, and it's actually her that doesn't want to move forward with you? Well, she's too immature to be honest and end it cleanly without hiding behind an excuse and blaming someone else. 

It's time to let her go, OP. I don't think you're going to have a happy future here. 

[Rockdad]

HotShot now you know if you ever married this girl you would also be married to her mom.  😬

[scooby-philly]

Again I'll say - and others have too - you dodged a bullet on this one. Not to diminish your love for her and not saying she's a terrible/horrible person. But I can so totally relate myself and with family.

My older brother - his in-laws, especially his father-in-law hated him. They were very judgmental and did not want him marrying my sister-in-law. They were cold, materialistic, full of themselves, and could do no wrong in their own eyes. My family isn't rich and my brother didn't always make a ton of money when he was younger. Long-story short, while they're still in a lot of debt - my brother is about to become the founder of a new department at a major suburban hospital chain outside of one the biggest cities in the country - at 42/43. He'll be making 250-350k a year. And once he finishes becoming a board certified surgeon, he could be making 350-500 a year - all dependent on the # of surgeries he wants to do per year. And the father-in-law passed about 2 years ago suddenly - left his wife drowning in debt, left their family business in debt, and now the mother is living with my brother and his wife. So the last laugh was on them!

 

If you're a loving, caring, affectionate guy to a lesser or greater extant, then remember that you marry not only the person, but their family. If she's older than 22 and still lets her parents - one or both - or anyone impact her life like that - it's not healthy and will bring pain, if not outright misery, for you. Imagine having that negativity and presumptuous thinking with your kids. Ugh - keep running away!

 

[d0nnivain]

If at 29 your GF still lets her mother run her life, her mother will always run her life.  The mother has a low opinion of you & that will probably never change.   Even if you become a multi-millionaire the mother will still find fault.  She certainly won't acknowledge that she was wrong about you.