Hope4thefuture Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 My ex broke up with me over a year ago, and I am in a much better place now. The tears are gone, the constant thinking about him, and just plain missing him is no longer a daily occurrence. To be honest he is barely on my mind anymore. So I know I am on the right track, but I still am annoyed at myself. In both my divorce and my break up with my ex-boyfriend, I felt the break up came out of nowhere. No communication of being unhappy. No warning whatsoever. What is frustrating me is that I am with oblivious to my relationships or these men didn’t want to communicate their feelings with me. I have not started dating yet because I was ok with being by myself for awhile. However in the near future, I might want to try getting back out there. I don’t want the same thing to happen to me that happened with my last 2 relationships. I was happy in both of them, but obviously my ex husband and ex boyfriend were not. What if the same thing happens again? What if I’m thinking everything is great, but it really isn’t? I want to move on, but part of me is afraid of getting hurt again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 Are you missing signs that they are checking out? No warning whatsoever To me, that seems unlikely. I'm thinking that it would be hard not to notice that your partner isn't in it like they once were. How long did you and your ex boyfriend date before he checked out? What about your marriage? Did he just one day say "pass the potatoes, btw I'm leaving you?" How long were you married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 3, 2020 Author Share Posted March 3, 2020 I was married for almost 12 years. We would argue every once in a while, like I think every couple does. He had just changed jobs a couple of months before he told me. I know he was stressed because he was the boss and had to let some people go. I’m actually the one who brought it up. I told him he seemed unhappy, but I thought it was with work. We were at dinner, and I mentioned how upset he has been lately and he said “I’m thinking about moving out.” He was dating someone pretty quickly so I am not sure if he cheated on me. I do know he met her at work. As for my ex boyfriend, we dated for almost 4 years. I had signs I guess throughout our relationship. He was nervous other people would find out we were dating and tell his kids. I always felt like I was being hidden away. He introduced me to his family and daughters after about 2 years of dating. We were discussing moving in together. I was sitting at a baseball game and we were making plans to hang out that night. He was at a bar and when I was ready to meet up he didn’t want to leave. He became angry and said I was too rigid and compared me to his mom. The next thing I know he wanted to take a break because I was too quiet, too kind, and too rigid. Maybe I’m just dense and need to open my eyes more. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 If it happens again it just means that’s not the person for you. be glad it’s now and not after you’re married. just relax... and enjoy meeting new people... one will come along you find interesting enough 😀 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 I suspect your husband was having first an emotional affair that turned physical with someone at work. That's just speculation but it sounds likely. You did notice that something was going on with him which makes me ask how long you ignored the change in him. Anyway, if he did cheat then you can't blame yourself for that... he should have come to you and communicated any unhappiness he was feeling. Communication is key to keeping a relationship on track. For you too so don't be afraid to talk so you can remedy. As for your ex boyfriend. Quickly get rid of men who keep you a secret. It's a good practice to keep your kids away from any new love interests until you're sure its going to last but you should have been introduced to his friends and keeping you away for four years is ridiculous. Him being afraid that his kids finding out that their dad has a girlfriend is a red flag though and that would have me running away from him after year one. To protect yourself in your next dating adventure be cognizant of red flags and things that go against your own personal boundaries. Have the confidence to dump guys who are not showing you value. You need to get rid of the fluff so you can find a good, solid guy worth being with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 Hey OP I'm sorry for both of your past heartaches and your current worry. I'm a guy but I can feel your concern. I've been the "nice guy" that stuck around with people even when I knew it was good and or I knew my needs weren't being met. I worry I will always be single or stuck in relationships where I give and love way more than my partner does. As others have said....be cognizant of your own needs and red flags. Too many people in this world dont have what it takes emotionally and psychologically to maintain a healthy relationship, especially after a year or two. But dont beat yourself up or let the past dictate your future. I know for me when i fall for someone I do it too quickly and ignore the warning signs or my gut. It's good you've spent the past year or so working on you. That does wonders for your chances moving forward. Just remember to speak up and to know your value and worth when you enter into something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 8, 2020 Author Share Posted March 8, 2020 Today I saw a picture of my ex of my FB post with his girlfriend. I am still friends with one of my ex’s friends and she is the one who posted it. It was his birthday so the picture was from that. After seeing that picture of them together I must admit I was sad. I really don’t want to be back with him anymore. He drank a lot and I guess I didn’t feel important to him. I think I was way more invested in our relationship than he was. I am still sad though. I am sad he didn’t choose me. I am sad I wasn’t good enough for him. I am sad because when we broke up he didn’t want to become serious with me, but yet he can with her. They have been dating over a year. I don’t want to be with him, but it hurts that I got rejected. Something has to be wrong with me. That is what is so hard for me right now. To know and realize it wasn’t him that had something wrong with him but it was me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 8, 2020 Author Share Posted March 8, 2020 My biggest issue with our relationship was his wanting to drink as much as he did. He drank 5-6 days a week. I told him that was too much for me and I felt like he chose the bar over me. Maybe that is what I did wrong. Maybe he thought I was trying to change him. I just wanted more time with him sober. I wonder if he stopped drinking so much for his new GF. And if so I wonder why he could do it for her and not for me? Link to post Share on other sites
crazycanuck86 Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 You're not the only one who's been through this my ex pretty much did the same thing to me....she distanced herself emotionally I tried to make things work next thing I know she told me that she found a Mutual connection with someone else and that was the way of it. To make matters worse she did that to me twice in one year. I've also accepted that this has happened and I'm still coping with it all. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 (edited) Remember OP, and sorry if I pointed this out in my earlier post - I didn't re-read it before I started typing - you cannot force someone to open up and share with you and make you the emotional support and foundation in their lives. I realize that now with my most recent ex. Despite her affection (though it was love bombing in the beginning), and her words, she had no anchor emotionally and she was not willing to put in down with me. That was her immaturity, inexperience, and personality all speaking. I just failed to realize it until it was too late and she decided to end things because either a. she was feeling better than ever and/or b. she saw an opportunity to sneak out more and get the "experience" younger people need but in her case was more the neediness she had to validate her self-esteem through others. So...remember, you cannot blame yourself for someone else's choice(s). If they truly valued you, trusted you, loved you, and wanted a future with you, they would have sunk that anchor together in the harbor you were trying to create with them. But they were scared and immature and emotionally not ready to commit - none of which was your fault and none of which you could have changed if you did anything differently. Edited March 15, 2020 by scooby-philly hit submit before i finished typing lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Youngbess Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 Sorry you're going through that. Breakups are horrible. Two things: - Don't torture yourself about whether your ex stopped drinking for the sake of his new partner, and why would he do that for her and not for you. Truly, it probably has nothing to do with who his partner is, but where HE is in his own life. He may have hit the point where he is ready to quit drinking, and she is the person who happened to be there now. It has nothing to do with her being a better partner than you were, or them being a better fit. HE will quit when he's ready, and she just happened to be the woman who was around at the moment. - When you start dating again, especially if it gets serious and you get anxious about a future breakup...I would say, maybe talk it over with your future new partner? Allow yourself a vulnerable moment in which you explain that your past 2 breakups came out of nowhere (from your perspective), and that you would have appreciated a warning. And you could say, half joking, half serious, that THAT'S the one thing you don't want to happen again, and "hey, if we ever get to that point, just tell me the truth and don't lead me on. Don't fake happiness and pretend all is good, I'd much rather know the truth and confront the problems head on". So you're kind of giving them an idea of how honest, direct, clear communication is very important to you, this time around. Hopefully the right person will respect that. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 (edited) You should definitely move on! I'd go nc and give him nc for a bit Edited March 16, 2020 by Realitysux Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 Sorry, I posted on the wrong thread. Disregard mine! I apologise Link to post Share on other sites
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