How does it end?

[Broken86]

I’m new here so I’m just going to jump right in.. I had an affair with a married man (I was married myself, in a miserable marriage.). We spent three years sneaking around and meeting for quick kisses or going to another property his family owned.. we talked about being together SOME day, deep down I knew he’s never leave bc of his kids.

He would stay in constant contact with me from wake up until we went to bed. He confessed his love to me and I to him. I don’t think I was ever truly in love until I met him. He lit a fire in me that I can’t explain. He’s nine years older than me.

In October we got caught. His wife filed for divorce, mine wanted me to stay but this was finally my way out and I just couldn’t stay. Me and AF continued to talk daily and we’d see each other every time neither of us had kids, in secret. I’d spend entire weekends there. We decided that by summer we would publically date. Then we had an argument over normal stress of divorce and he told me he wanted to move on from this relationship.

I begged for three weeks. He blocked me so I’d email him. I mean my whole life has already changed and now he was doing it to me again. He unblocked me and we started talking a little like normal. Saturday night we discussed all of the things we could fix to try again. We had great conversation. He hugged me and kissed me and we snuggled on the couch after he’d put me thru 3 weeks of hell.

Monday morning rolls around and he tells me this is just not what he wants anymore. He doesn’t feel the same about me. Mind you we’d spent months since our separation from our spouses talking about everything we wanted to do together. I haven’t contacted him since Monday because I spent three weeks before that begging him to not do this. My heart is shattered and I’m stressed I can’t eat.

What do I do here? Why would he do this NOW of all times. How do you just fall out of love with someone you’ve loved and intensely been in contact with for 3 years?? WHAT do I do?? HOW do I handle it? I want him to change his mind, but idk if he’s going to this time. He was adamant this is what he wants. I wish I knew what was supposed to happen here.

Thanks for listening. Any advice I’ll gladly listen. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

I wouldn’t communicate with him at all until his divorce is final!

he is probably spending his energy begging his wife for his old life back - but he would never tell you that.

why would you beg him? You’re begging shows he can treat you WORSE and you will stay... setting your bar lower and lower.

begging ANY man (to be his 2nd choice) is disrespecting yourself. Don’t do that.

any man who REALLY wants you will do anything and everything to be with you! 

he is a liar. You can do better!

start dating available men.

[Broken86]

Both of our divorces are final. That’s the odd part

[S2B]

he may associate you with his failed marriage.

we see it here all the time. The affair person ends it after divorcing - mainly because that person always reminds them that it interfered with the marriage.

date available men...

[mark clemson]

From what I understand, the "thrill" of the affair is often lessened when it's no longer secret. Also, there is a significant temptation for newly divorced men to play the field for a while. As sad as it may be to say (from your perspective) he may be chasing an NRE high right now and he gets more of that from new women than from you.

If I'm right, then he'll eventually get it out of his system. However, that could be a year or three, so I don't suggest you wait.

My suggestion would be to recognize what's happening and steel yourself so as to be minimally impacted emotionally. Definitely don't chase or beg him. Instead, focus on getting adjusted to your new life. IF he sincerely comes back to you within a reasonable timeframe, you could consider taking him back. (I think there is a low probability of this, maybe 10-20% although he may waffle a bit like he just did. It is possible though.)

Otherwise, once you're ready, move on to a new and more stable man.

BTW, it's probably not realistic to expect quite the same emotional intensity from a regular relationship. The affair was your first "new person" in a long time (I assume) and the adrenaline rush etc tends to intensify things. If/when you eventually move on (which I think is the likely case) suggest you have expectations for the reasonable and healthy level of emotion that comes with a normal relationship. This can be perfectly wonderful, without being the addictive highs and lows of an affair.

[Broken86]

That’s kind of the way I figured. Only the feelings didn’t change for me. 😞

[S2B]

it looks like it already ended. Accepting that it ended is what’s needed now.

hugs

[Broken86]

Thank you. I don’t know how to get over a broken heart.. bc at 34, I’ve never had to. I am lost bc I spent the last three years so wrapped up in him. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights. I just want to feel better again, if he’s done. 

[S2B]

3 minutes ago, Broken86 said:

Thank you. I don’t know how to get over a broken heart.. bc at 34, I’ve never had to. I am lost bc I spent the last three years so wrapped up in him. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights. I just want to feel better again, if he’s done. 

I suggest seeing a counselor long term... until you feel neutral about him.

[Broken86]

Thank you. I am currently looking for one outside of our town. I actually work for the healthcare organization that has the only two counselors in this town. Ironically so does his ex wife- different department and different building. The affair started two years prior to me accepting this position. So I don’t really want to speak with coworkers about it. I know I brought this all on myself 😞 but it doesn’t make it hurt any less

[anika99]

This is sort of typical of cheating or divorcing men. He enjoyed the extra excitement you brought to his life while he was tied down in his mundane marriage. He wasn't ever looking for a new wife, he wanted someone in addition to his wife. Most single women won't get involved with a married man so it was a convenience that you were also married and therefore agreeable to staying on the down low and sneaking around. Then he got caught and in the light of day the fantasy relationship he was having with you no longer seemed romantic and exciting, instead he probably felt a lot of guilt and shame. Now he's free and single and has a lot more options available to him in terms of women who will date him. He wants to enjoy his single life and sow some oats and if and when he's ready for a serious commitment it will be easier to start over with someone new. His family and kids will not want to accept you into their lives as they view you as the woman who broke up a family. He doesn't want to deal with their disapproval. Also there may be an element of distrust towards you because cheating married men can be huge hypocrites. What is good for the goose is not good for the gander. He knows better than anyone that you are fully capable of cheating on and deceiving your spouse. Although he is no position to judge you for that he may feel that he cannot trust you. 

There are many varied  reasons why he may have ended the relationship with you that make sense to him and where he's at right now and honestly, he never owed you forever. He wasn't a man of honest and integrity to start with. He deceived the one he made vows to so it's no surprise that he is unreliable in anything he has promised you as well. Best to just let him go, while you take the proper time to heal from your broken marriage and help focus on helping your kids heal and transition as well. It's truly not healthy to jump from a marriage straight into another serious relationship. Who knows? Maybe after a couple of years, when you and your affair partner have properly healed and dealt with past mistakes you two can start over again properly. 

[S2B]

There are some therapists that will do a phone session. That may be possible if you check with your insurance provider.

then you could potentially start therapy sooner with a professional out of the area.

[Poppy's sister]

I am sorry your going through this. 

It does indeed seem a common theme, my AP of 9 yrs is separating from. His wife and has suddenly changed his mind about us too. 

I am one week into nc.. And like you it's the whys? That haunt me. And how do they just turn off their feelings. 

But what I keep thinking is he has had 9 yrs of my life and he doesn't get anymore. 

You have to just stay nc (it's so hard) and accept how hard it is. It will get easier. Accept you need to grieve the loss of your future. 

Be kind to yourself 

[Broken86]

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday morning. It’s killing me inside, but so far I haven’t caved. He’s used to me always being there.. or taking him back thru out the years when I tried to end it bc of something shady or bc I thought it was the right thing to do. I’ve always accepted him back or contacted him. I do NOT want to be that person who gets walked on anymore. I do NOT want to contact him this time. How are you coping with NC?

[Poppy's sister]

Honestly not well... It just seems so unbelievable doesn't it... How they can just flip a switch.. 

I go from feeling OK to feeling a mess

Normal I guess

[Broken86]

@Poppy's sister i did good for the first day and a half.. but I’m struggling today. We never went more than about 2 days without speaking.  And when we’d have arguments, i knew in the back of my heart he would be back.. so it was.. easier. Feeling now that he’s not coming back after everything we went thru over the last 3 years..I can’t even explain it. I could not imagine 9 years 😞 has he tried to contact you?

[Poppy's sister]

No he hasn't

its been 7 days

This is the longest we have ever gone after a row..we have always txted the next day and he has always said 'lets just talk more'

But this time i think he had decided that no matter what he is hurting me and he cannot continue , he hates it when i get hurt, so he will stay away no matter what is going on in his head.

or of course he is just relieved....but even at dinner last week when he arrived he said 'dont worry darling i havent got anything nasty to say, its nothing nasty'

its his birthday today, i have sent an email 2 days ago , and a card today both saying i think we made a mess of the conversation and we both just are misunderstanding each other...and his present which i ordered weeks ago will be delivered to his office today..but its 16:15..and i have not had anything. It is making feel quite cross now...ok you want to be stubborn and not talk, fine , but you could at least say thankyou for the present . Which is something really unique and special..he races off shore yachts and i tracked down the photographer from a race he did several years ago and he found the most amazing picture of my AP's boat in full sail crashing through a wave...its stunning and i had it printed onto canvas. So its something really special.

wish i hadnt bothered now..wish id sent a new work shirt !

i think it is holding onto the anger that we need to do..hold that bit inside, that last shred of  dignity that is saying ' you deserve better'

YOU DESERVE BETTER 

[Beca L]

12 hours ago, anika99 said:

He wasn't a man of honest and integrity to start with. He deceived the one he made vows to so it's no surprise that he is unreliable in anything he has promised you as well.

I agree. This is a terrible lesson to learn but so very true of XMM. Mine included. I’m just coming to terms with this after the break up of my relationship with Xmm. I kept asking myself ‘how could he renege on his promise to me ?’ But as @anika99 has said they cheat and lie to their spouse why would they treat you/me any differently. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Broken86 said:

I’ve always accepted him back or contacted him. I do NOT want to be that person who gets walked on anymore. I do NOT want to contact him this time. How are you coping with NC?

That is exactly what I keep saying to myself every day. I deserve better and so do you. Don’t contact him. I’m nearly 11 weeks NC and admittedly it does not get easier but my determination and dignity keeps me going. Head up and push forward. Good luck. You are not alone. 

[Poppy's sister]

None of us are alone

That is sad.. So many messed up miserable lives. 

 

[vla1120]

Stay strong @Broken86. The longer you go NC, the easier it will become, eventually. Do something special for yourself, maybe a massage or a spa day, mani/pedi?

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, Poppy's sister said:

That is sad.. So many messed up miserable lives. 

I know. It’s so terrible. All these people suffering in silence. Surely society today should rethink marriage and what it means. With people living longer and longer should you be expected to stay with someone forever. Is that really possible anymore. Are you the same person at 20 as you are at 50, 60 or 70 ? I don’t know but I do know that I never thought it would happen to me but it did. And it’s the worst kind of heartache ever. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 😥

[Broken86]

4 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Stay strong @Broken86. The longer you go NC, the easier it will become, eventually. Do something special for yourself, maybe a massage or a spa day, mani/pedi?

I ate an entire pizza last night, alone. Does that count?😂 

[vla1120]

Just now, Broken86 said:

I ate an entire pizza last night, alone. Does that count?😂 

You still have your sense of humor. That counts!! 😂😂 Hugs!

[Broken86]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I know. It’s so terrible. All these people suffering in silence. Surely society today should rethink marriage and what it means. With people living longer and longer should you be expected to stay with someone forever. Is that really possible anymore. Are you the same person at 20 as you are at 50, 60 or 70 ? I don’t know but I do know that I never thought it would happen to me but it did. And it’s the worst kind of heartache ever. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 😥

You hit the nail on the head. It’s the worst heartache I’ve ever felt.