second chance come to a end

[katheryn1]

my mariage fell apart in june we had been having dificulties there was a friend {ex} now who was putting us to fight on top of the problems we allready had so he had enough and walked,

 

tried being friends but he remained frieds with this 3rd person and then tried having relationship with her ,

 

on top of this i tried to kill myself begining of aug he didnt understand untill he was in same situation and he tried as well,

 

i stuck by as a friend as we had become friends by then but one day while we were talking we decided to give our marriage another go very slowly he never moved back

 

but a couple days ago he decided he doesnt know what he wants i am hopping this is a stage of his depression the doc changed his tablets

 

i tried done what was wanted didnt argue didnt shout at the kids so much ,

didnt tell any one we were trying again ,

 

maybe this was why the ex h found it so easy to stop any form of relationship with me as he hadnt told anybody so to him he was only letting me down ,

 

but if i didnt try i wouldnt know if he still cared i think he does but he has to have closure with the f he had short term relationship with while we were seperated on top of that hes on antidepresants and worried if he contacts her he will lose me as a friend,

 

i have told him to do what makes him happy but being friends is hard work as this is all still raw but opened up all the old wounds as well,

 

thanks to friends and this and another site i have some support his family think he will be back ,

 

and they live up the road from me and thats were he is staying i have told him hes welcome here any time,

 

but when hes here he is uncomfortable so im in to minds to stay friends as if i push him away completely at this time i will muck up any chance of a future relationship

 

question am i being used or being very stupid hopping one day we would be back togeather.

[katheryn1]

yea i realy know the answers to my own questions but he is very depresed at moment no excuse he didnt actually say to me that he wanted to step back he just doesnt what he wants so suggested friends as this was safer than carrying on thinking i had a relationship with him,

 

this is how bad he is this evening up untill he popped down to speak to me he had planned to go out with a friend but at the last minute this friend called it of , he was felling angry/fed up that his frieds dont want to spend time with him so came down to me,

 

i was outside on the way in but he just told me he was comming down later and went of on his bike,

 

i had allready aranged to vist a friend later that night for a chat but as he had changed his plans rang his mobile no answer not sure if he was on his bike or gone home and fallen asleep left it for a bit,

 

then txted him to let him know i was not in for a while no answer, rang on of for several times through out eve but still no response getting worried i went to the chippy and his sister checked said he was asleep so i txted him to let me know when he woke but by nearly 9 (im in the uk by the way) i was getting worried so i rang again still no answer ,

 

decided by half past 9 that i would txt both of his phones and explain i was worried and to txt me any time he wanted to let me know he was allright ,

 

so within a few mins i got a txt saying he was allright but feeling low and wanted to be on his own,

 

so i rang him had a chat said i was trying to get hold of him when he told me he knew couse he was watching the phone ring , so he appoligised for worrying me and told me his sister had lied to me so i explain i wouldnt have bothered if he hadnt told me he was comming down,

 

appoligsed again saying he should of txt so about 10 im going to bed as i didnt want to sit up on my own any longer,

 

when he txts me again saying was i ok

 

so i rang him saying yes better than when i woke him that morning,

had a chat let him talk to his son who was still awake chatted a bit more then told him if he wanted me he could txt any time ,

 

so went to sleeo and woke at about 3 lay there thinking how selfish he had been not to have answerd 1 call or txt quicker in that 3 hr space so decided like i said earlier he want me he knows were i am and i should stop chasing him just to check hes allright hes got family around him so today i will only answer his txts or phone calls and leave him alone,

 

going to be hard but if i keep busy i should be ok,

[katheryn1]

told him to sort out his problem about closure with exf f as he was allowing this to control his life, only he knows wat he wantsit been a hrd rew days as just getting him to talk to me was hard he feels sick and shakey when here,

 

this could be because i want to know things as well but he cant answer these questions ,

 

he eventually made me angry by telling me he would txt me and didnt so as i was driving through the road he was standing on the doorstep,

so i stoped and he spoke he let me moan about how he was going to txt me and phone me i told him if he had no intentions of doing these things he shouldnt say he would,

 

so i go to the shops on way back stop and speak to a friend of both of ours she let slips that hes out side night before talking to her and a couple of over ppl, than i reciev txt saying sorry he didnt mean to piss me of he was watching dvds with brother,

 

again half truths so when i parked i rang him told him felt like i was in a one sided friendship and that i had been speaking to this friend ,

 

he forced him self to come down then and eventualli the day was better after we got hair dye for daughter,

 

he felt more relaxed here than ages (exf lives next door ) and had gone to a wedding for the day in the eve i helped him to sort out a letter to start this clousre thing going its up to him if he sends it or not , he put her no back on his phone for later on as well,

 

at least he is doing it with me knowing maybe only hopping everything will be ok, he has apoligised if i felt like he was using mean said he wasnt but it still doesnt make sense to me ,

 

if he wants to be here but has to do this first all well and good but it shouldnt really matter as im not going to speak to her (to long to explain i have my reasons he understands these)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[katheryn1]

after all that he thought we were moving to fast a week and half later hes moved in his decission, i know we still have problems to sort out but as he gets better hopefully these will be easier to sort out at the moment sometimes explaining why i get angry over some things feels like hard work ,

 

we both are keeping diaries so we feel like we are talking to someone also writing seems an easier way of talking because he finds talking hard,so hopefully the bad times are gone and the good times are on the way