Ellener Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 Well I certainly have had some housing challenges since the Harvey floods, this is now my third temporary living situation and the other two were less than ideal, this seemed better except of course I did not realise my friend has a serious problem with alcohol. Also is using pot and prescription drugs. It's true, you do not know someone until you live with them, and I am not particularly judgmental about alcohol use, or drug use, except there is an issue in the evenings where my friend gets drunk then nags for me to go talk to her, of course most of it does not make sense and she does not remember next day. I spoke to her expressing concern and saying if she wants me to stay she must leave me alone when she's been drinking, and though she apologised and said she would, the same night she did the exact same thing again! In one sense it does me good to see where such out-of-control behaviour leads, I have done plenty of 'partying' and 'pity-partying' in my life and sometimes am tempted to try alcohol again, but I don't like it much any more and certainly don't like half-assed drunken-ness. I think seeing this has put me off for life, a good thing! So many people I know are 'highly functioning' but misusing alcohol and drugs. I don't believe anyone can help addicts until they are at the point of helping themselves, so I won't be getting involved beyond suggesting a good support group locally, she is deep in denial about it being a problem, yet wants to talk about it all the time, a rather boring futile exercise and not how I want to spend my free time. It looks like I will be moving again before too long, anyway...will I ever have a proper home again?! I'm about over the Harvey trauma, but it is difficult to decide where to settle, climate change is causing problems pretty much everywhere, and of course my business is here and my friends and my son- in the world's foremost 'sinking city'/hurricane zone. I'm glad I pushed my comfort zone to try this living in a shared house, I've learned a lot about life and about myself, but I think the next move needs to be my own place again. Has anyone else been in these situations/struggled to make these decisions? Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 I feel that you are colluding in that you are not being firm enough. If she is in a drunken stupor, enjoys it, as is not worried, then she just wants to recycle her drunken chats with you. I am always horrified at what booze does to my complexion, so imo, she is self-destructive, and may be like that through and through. It must be hard to room with an addict, a learning curve, okay, but you must get off her merry-go-round. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted March 6, 2020 Author Share Posted March 6, 2020 15 hours ago, deepthinking said: you must get off her merry-go-round. Thanks. I don't actually think I'm on her merry-go-round or colluding, re. 'firm enough' there's nothing anyone can do to help an addict, they have to come to realisation and get sober themselves. I don't generally drink and live a healthy lifestyle, so we are probably not a good fit for sharing a house. But you can't know until up close, from outside she espouses holistic living, but behind closed doors it's a different story. So the writing will be on the wall for renting and ultimately the friendship if she does not respect my boundaries, I refuse to hang out with anyone who is drunk, or take their calls. I know of a good support group, I'll print out the details but I would not even attend with her, she needs to take charge of her own health you are correct and I know that. Both my parents were high-functioning alcoholics, and many of my friends are now. My ex husband was. But I'm not- and I don't intend to live with one! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 Sorry for the trouble you've been having since Harvey! I agree this doesn't sound like the right living situation for you. I wouldn't be able to stand that either. I'd be bothered by someone who needed to continually talk if they were sober! Never mind a drunk jibber jabber. Best wishes for finding something better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted March 6, 2020 Author Share Posted March 6, 2020 4 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Sorry for the trouble you've been having since Harvey! I agree this doesn't sound like the right living situation for you. I wouldn't be able to stand that either. I'd be bothered by someone who needed to continually talk if they were sober! Never mind a drunk jibber jabber. Best wishes for finding something better! Thank you, I can see the funny side of all this- if it was a sit com people would say 'too far-fetched!' 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Sorry you have to deal with it... but I would leave as soon as you can. I had a buddy who was living with a drunk. (in my younger days) On day he got angry (while drunk) and smashed up the apartment, and crushed a toilet. (water everywhere) So... my buddy got taken to court, and was on the hook for paying to have the apartment rebuilt. His roommate was generally an OK guy, even when drunk... but one day he was pissed. On the comment that you can't help someone until they want to be helped.... that's absolutely true. My cousin was a functioning alcoholic, so he was in denial for a long time. But it was at the point where he needed a shot and a beer before going to work so he would stop shaking. But he went to work, and he never would get into a car "Drunk". He would generally come home and just start drinking. He passed away about 8 years ago, and was in his early 40's. I took him to rehab a couple times... but he would sign himself out and be home the next day. His son really misses him, and now, I've become his surrogate father. We txt/talk almost every day. Sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crazycanuck86 Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 I live with an alcoholic roommates myself and it's certainly challenging my way of dealing with it is when their drunk I politely excuse myself and go to my room, or head out and do my own thing. Simple. The sad thing is alcoholics only get help when they are able to admit that they have a problem. So only you're friend can help herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted March 11, 2020 Author Share Posted March 11, 2020 She really is trying hard to not be drunk around me, and is not asking me to chat when she is, but I'm stressed already and I may just go stay in a hotel for a few nights to clear my head. Work is starting to cancel due to the viral outbreak, that's unsettling and upsetting too, not knowing how long without proper income and the knowledge some of my patients and friends might die or at the least be confused where I am, I've worked with some of them for years now. I'm just a bit overwhelmed today, the power is being cut off for several days, something to do with underground cables, and the plumber didn't show today so I won't be getting my own bathroom it seems. I know not major problems in the grand scheme of things, just constant irritations and a lack of place to relax and de-compress. I moved in here because it was a good friend and because I would not have to share a bathroom, and things have quickly unravelled! At least my friend has left me alone, she seems to understand me better now. This is all new to her- she's never lived with anyone for more than a few days visit in her adult life. And I have anxiety disorder- it's no use saying 'don't worry'! or even worse 'have a drink!' I just have to manage that myself... Thanks for listening anyway. Tomorow's another day... Link to post Share on other sites
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