He still wants revenge ?

[chillii]

Do people ever really get revenge , act on it ?

Yeah l know , there's always someone on the news getting locked up for a crime of passion , revenge, but l haven't actually seen it in reality , in my world anyway with anyone l've known or heard about.

My brother still wants to get the om, it's been 7yrs.

He's marriage was in tatters and he wasn't even sure what he wanted himself , and he was in an EA with a friend but very confused, when he's w met someone . She was in a really bad way too but she met this guy and the marriage broke up properly 2mths later and she married the om 5yrs later.

My brother says if not for this guy, he feels they could've turned their marriage around , at least tried , and they had a son 12 at the time and it brok he's heart that he would then be growing up with a broken family too.  Their marriage was very good for 14 15 yrs and they were a great couple and very much in love , but then they both started to change and life had also been hard too , she also started to get health problems and also became very depressed and they'd been living in separate rooms when she met the om.

She said she though he hadn;t wanted the marriage himself either for years , she thought he was in love with he's EA women and just wanted to leave anyway . But he wasn't and he was still unsure about the marriage but he was having thoughts of turning it around and still trying , when she met the om. He says if not for the om they could've tried and he shouldnt have gone near a  married women with a young child and with her being in the state she was in at the time and to this day , 7yrs , still wants to get him and regrets not doing it when he had the chance years ago , saw him a few times round town. Once the om was even driving right behind him but made no attempt to back off or go another way. Another time he pulled into a shop when bro was just walking in but the om did turn the other way , seemed to try not to be noticed , but he still had the gawd to park right beside his car. When bro came out he saw the back of the om , and thought about going him right there but regrets not doing it and driving off.

He told me the other night , he still wants to get him , he said if not for obviously wanting to be there for his son ,and not wanting to make the family brake up any worse for his son than it already was, and in knowing the need to be working with his w in their parenting for his son, he would've maybe even killed this guy long ago , and happily gone to jail over it.

l dunno , l can see how he feels , l think this guy should've stayed the hell away from a depressed married women in her state , with a family. But then she did this too , she made this choice too , he couldn't have gotten near her if she wasn't just as bigger part in it . She walked away to be with him too, with total disregard for their son , their family  her husband , or to go on and try with their marriage .

But at the same time , well , l'm not sure tbh. lt takes two to tango , and when your own w chooses this , just who the hell is wronging who in it all.

What do you think of situations like this and is there still a revenge due , is it right the om walks away and gets off scot free?

 

Edited March 4, 2020 by chillii

[Beca L]

I can understand your frustration and your B’s upset etc about what has happened to his marriage etc However I don’t see how after all this time he hasn’t moved on and is still seeking revenge.  He himself has admitted to being in an EA at the time his marriage was falling apart. How then can he blame his wife ? She may have been deeply hurt and upset by this. This may have led her towards the depression (not sure as I don’t have all the facts ). The OM appeared at the right time (in her eyes at least) and he saved her. They are now married so it must be working out. Yes, your brother believes things could have worked out with him and her if they had been given the opportunity but that’s all speculation and hindsight now. The OM is not to blame, he didn’t stand up in church and make marriage vows to your B.  The only person responsible for this is his W.

He didn’t realise what he had until it was gone. This seems to be a common theme on this site. MM are happy to cheat on the W but as soon as the W is interested in a OM they can’t stand it and suddenly want them back. 
Revenge is definitely not the way to go and serves no purpose here The best way forward is for him to get himself in a better place both emotionally and physically and move on. Forget about her and start building a new life and future for himself and his son. 

[MsJayne]

Sounds to me like your brother was the cause of the marriage problems in the first place, and when his ex finally had a gutful and left with the man who helped her through the misery your brother was shocked to his self-absorbed core. He still can't stand the thought of her being happy with someone else. The revenge thing, that's the giveaway about who was at fault here. Mature, emotionally stable people don't sit around stewing over what they're going to do, or what they should have done, to someone who wronged them. They get over it and move on. If your brother talks to you about this revenge business you should tell him to grow up and accept that he should've been loyal to his wife instead of mooning about over some other woman. The other thing is that if he follows through with this stupid fantasy of harming the other guy he'll be exposing himself for the jerk that he obviously is. By listening to him bleating about his over-seven-years ago marriage you're enabling his ridiculous belief that the breakdown of it was someone else's fault. No wonder his ex was depressed. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by MsJayne
Spelling error

[anika99]

Your brother sounds hypocritical, immature and unwilling to accept the consequences for his own actions. He judges the OM for getting involved with a married mother who was vulnerable due to health problems and depression but what was he doing to help his wife at the time? Nothing because he was busy having an emotional affair with another woman. And his wife knew about it?!!!  So in his mind his wife was just supposed to stay stuck in loveless marriage while her husband was languishing in an affair and taking his sweet time to make his mind on whether he wanted his family or not?  That's deplorable. He treated his marriage and his wife with so much disrespect I'm not surprised that she left him.  I'm no supporter of affairs but in this case I think your brother needs to take a good look in the mirror and accept responsibility for his own actions instead of putting all the blame on the OM. 

[mark clemson]

Rarely do people condone affairs around here, even revenge ones so I'm a bit surprised at some of the above. In theory, she "should" have just left him and let the marriage fall on it's own accord (unless he could reconcile with her). I guess it's a bit more shades of grey than usual since he had the EA "first".  At any rate it's all history now.

I've been betrayed by people I was close to and I did indeed hate them for a while. Not enough to actually want to kill them though. I agree he's not taking responsibility for his own role in this; my guess is he blames the OM for "taking away" his opportunity to possibly reconcile.

There's no right or wrong answer here IMO, although he should definitely not act on any violent impulses. He feels how he feels. I do think seven years is a LONG time to still be gnawing at this. I'm going to guess he's never found anyone else LT? That may be part of it. Also I'm going to guess he's not the type of guy who puts much stock in therapy, although it definitely sounds like he could use some.

You could suggest he see a counselor to process this. I'm going to guess you already have a while back and he didn't?  Whether I'm right or wrong about that, don't encourage him to do anything stupid whatever else you do. 

Sad story Chilii.

[chillii]

Interesting , thanks for those.

Nah he's been with someone new a long time now and he's done a fantastic job with his son and working with his ex to parent him and share custody , and he has since day one . He's a good guy , but he feels this revenge thing right or wrong and where l get stuck is feeling anyone who goes near a depressed married women with kids , should stay tf away. But then yeah of course there was brothers side in this too.He'd actually turned about a mth before they split , before he even knew about the om , and felt he'd figured out how to save the marriage and family and it was when he actually talked to his w about it, she hit him with the om and that she wanted to split. Said she'd assumed h , bro , wouldn't even care and had checked out yrs ago.

He says he had but every marriage goes through crap but many turn that around again later too. Still , of course , there was the EA and the rest .

But nah l haven't encourage him hell no , and what about his son if he did. But l have wondered about all the angles .