Walking on eggshells

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

My husband and I got married 4 months ago, but have been together for 5.5 years total.  We've lived together now for about a year and a half, so I am definitely still learning how to join lives with someone under the same roof - someone other than my parents.  I'm learning patience, compromise, and communication.  

One thing that I've noticed ever since we've moved in together (and has gotten worse the last couple months I guess since he's gotten more comfortable), is that every time I present an issue to him or something that bothers me, he gets extremely defensive.  It's like walking on egg shells!  For example.. if he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor:  I could just pick them up and keep the peace.  But I'm not his mom, and we're not gonna start that habit.  So I may ask, 'Hey can you pick your clothes up please?'  And he gets an attitude and says, 'Yeah I will, eventually!'  Mkk.  Or, we have a rule that whoever cooks, the other person cleans up.  He likes to wait until right before bed to clean up, or sometimes he forgets so before he heads to bed I may remind him, 'Hey are you gonna do those dishes..?"  And he will snap and say, 'You wait till midnight to tell me??' (I shouldn't have to tell him).  Again, I could just do all these things myself and keep the peace, but why should I have to?  Yeah I'm sure no fights would ever break out if I just did these things, but I'm not starting this marriage off with him thinking I'm going to clean up after him all the time.  But he says when I ask him to do these things, it makes him feel like a little kid.  How else am I supposed to ask!?  

After a long day, I went to go do some dishes in the sink that have piled up.  Some of the things were soaking from last night and couldn't go right in the dish washer.  But often times he will put dishes in there to add to the pile instead of just putting them directly in the dishwasher, making the pile larger.  (You know, because the dish fairy will take care of it.)  So as I'm doing the dishes tonight, I very calmly say to him, 'Hey when you finish with your dishes can you just pit them right in the dishwasher instead of having them pile up in the silk?'  He responded, 'Yeah.' Then I found his dish from lunch and said, 'Like this one..'  Well that set him over the edge... He snaps and says, 'Did that make you feel better to say that??'  I said, 'What?'  He said, 'I don't need an example!  I'm not a little kid!!'  This turned into a big fight because he said for the simple fact of me showing him that dish as an example, he felt like a little kid.  After some arguing, he went into the bedroom and slammed the door.

He doesn't want to be 'treated like a kid', and yet, at times, he acts like one.

Can I get some advice here?  I don't know how else to communicate things that I would like done differently/or done at all, without the possibility of him taking it defensively.  I told him that, and he said that I shouldn't need to point out every little thing and that he doesn't do that to me.  He said I could of just done the dish without saying anything about it.  But how else will I get my point across!?  This is so frustrating!!!  

So now he is in the bedroom, with the door closed, and we will probably not speak until tomorrow.  

[carhill]

Hire a housekeeper and pay them out of the household expense fund. 2 baths? Leave one to him to destroy. Keep yours the way you like.

It's really hard to care less than a slob. Possible though

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Hesjustnotthatin2u said:

He doesn't want to be 'treated like a kid', and yet, at times, he acts like one.

Can I get some advice here? 

Advice:  Respect that his feelings about this are real (as are yours) and that treating him like a kid is triggering genuine resentment. Try to figure out some ways to get him to do what you want/need done in a way that avoids triggering that. Easier said than done, but if you can figure out some ways it will make things easier on both of you.

There may be some other issues in your marriage as well. Just a guess, I could certainly be wrong. I say that because often people generally "let little things slide" when they're feeling really good about the marriage/relationship and getting along well. But if they're feeling bad about something (possibly something outside of the marriage) then there is more of a tendency to react negatively to relatively minor irritations and get into fights etc.

[Miss Spider]

Seems like you’ve always been walking on eggshells and bending over for this man, even at the beginning of your relationship. I would stake claim on your needs because sooner or later, you’ll get burnt out from all this 

[d0nnivain]

Instead of pointing out his lapses when they happen sit him down & ask him how he wants to handle your differing views on house work.  

Do seriously consider a housekeeper.  It will keep the peace.  

[Neirn]

In the same position with my fiance. I let things sit for 2 days before waiting for him to clean up. Finally I have him the ring back and said I am not his mother and he can make his own decisions from now on if he wants me to marry him. In a nice way of course, but he cleans up now. I can say try to thank them and praise them when they do something productive. Thank you for washing the dishes or wow the bathroom looks great today goes a long way. He's probably really overwhelmed by the negative comments. Warranted, of course, and you're trying to be nice about it, but they're still negative. Try more praise.

[wtm78]

On 3/5/2020 at 10:07 AM, Hesjustnotthatin2u said:

My husband and I got married 4 months ago, but have been together for 5.5 years total.  We've lived together now for about a year and a half, so I am definitely still learning how to join lives with someone under the same roof - someone other than my parents.  I'm learning patience, compromise, and communication.  

One thing that I've noticed ever since we've moved in together (and has gotten worse the last couple months I guess since he's gotten more comfortable), is that every time I present an issue to him or something that bothers me, he gets extremely defensive.  It's like walking on egg shells!  For example.. if he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor:  I could just pick them up and keep the peace.  But I'm not his mom, and we're not gonna start that habit.  So I may ask, 'Hey can you pick your clothes up please?'  And he gets an attitude and says, 'Yeah I will, eventually!'  Mkk.  Or, we have a rule that whoever cooks, the other person cleans up.  He likes to wait until right before bed to clean up, or sometimes he forgets so before he heads to bed I may remind him, 'Hey are you gonna do those dishes..?"  And he will snap and say, 'You wait till midnight to tell me??' (I shouldn't have to tell him).  Again, I could just do all these things myself and keep the peace, but why should I have to?  Yeah I'm sure no fights would ever break out if I just did these things, but I'm not starting this marriage off with him thinking I'm going to clean up after him all the time.  But he says when I ask him to do these things, it makes him feel like a little kid.  How else am I supposed to ask!?  

After a long day, I went to go do some dishes in the sink that have piled up.  Some of the things were soaking from last night and couldn't go right in the dish washer.  But often times he will put dishes in there to add to the pile instead of just putting them directly in the dishwasher, making the pile larger.  (You know, because the dish fairy will take care of it.)  So as I'm doing the dishes tonight, I very calmly say to him, 'Hey when you finish with your dishes can you just pit them right in the dishwasher instead of having them pile up in the silk?'  He responded, 'Yeah.' Then I found his dish from lunch and said, 'Like this one..'  Well that set him over the edge... He snaps and says, 'Did that make you feel better to say that??'  I said, 'What?'  He said, 'I don't need an example!  I'm not a little kid!!'  This turned into a big fight because he said for the simple fact of me showing him that dish as an example, he felt like a little kid.  After some arguing, he went into the bedroom and slammed the door.

He doesn't want to be 'treated like a kid', and yet, at times, he acts like one.

Can I get some advice here?  I don't know how else to communicate things that I would like done differently/or done at all, without the possibility of him taking it defensively.  I told him that, and he said that I shouldn't need to point out every little thing and that he doesn't do that to me.  He said I could of just done the diish without saying anything about it.  But how else will I get my point across!?  This is so frustrating!!!  

So now he is in the bedroom, with the door closed, and we will probably not speak until tomorrow.  

sorry to hear that.. i have the same experience just that my wife is like your husband. eventually she breaks downs, cries non stop and blames me for criticising her... 

i guess my advise is since you just got married, so you should quickly get some counselling to set things right.. for me, i started counselling about 6 months into the marriage.. but she refused help.. and we are separated now.. 

so good luck.. take care of yourself... god speed.. 

[pepperbird]

I have to say I can understand where your husband is coming from. You are treating him  like a child. The example of the dish was not needed.

Hear me out- I did this sort of thing too, so I can understand where you are coming from. I didn't even realize it. He'd get defensive, I'd be angry and it solved nothing.
The therapist we have been seeing advised us to sit down at a separate time/place than when we were arguing and hammer out the "household rules" that we could both agree on., and write them out It worked well for us, and as we've been married more than 20 years when we learned this-  I guuess it goes to show an old dog can learn new tricks.

[heartwhole2]

These little interactions can set the tone for a marriage. There the was a study that couples who report being happy in their relationships have 5 positive interactions for every negative one. 

But that doesn't mean you just don't address issues, of course. I try very much to engage in a virtuous cycle, so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, like I want him to give to me. Instead of assuming that he's expecting me to clean up after him, I assume he's tired and busy and stressed and planning to do it in his own time or not realizing how much time has passed. When I do bring things up, it's in a friendly "we're on the same team" kind of way. e.g. "You've probably just been too tired/stressed but you said you were going to do the dishes, and it would help me to have a timeline for that so I can do my own stuff in the kitchen. I don't mind doing them this time but I'd like us to come up with a better system if our regular one isn't working." 

I read an interesting explanation recently that said that some people are "askers" and some people are "guessers." The askers are straightforward; they don't mind being told "no" so they have no problem directly asking for what they want. The guessers feel it's rude to put the other person in a position where they have to say no (because they themselves feel guilty saying no), so they just expect others to guess their feelings, which depends precariously upon shared expectations. "If you're a Guess Culture person . . . then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you're likely to feel angry, uncomfortable, and manipulated. If you're an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression." It sounds to me like you are an asker and your husband is a guesser. Guessers tend to feel that peace is the avoidance of conflict and Askers feel that peace is addressing and solving conflict.

Your husband seems to need help in this area too. "You're treating me like a kid!" and stomping off to slam a door is very different from, "Thanks for telling me, but to be honest it makes me feel like a little kid when you do that." The latter gives you the opportunity to say, "Oh, no honey, of course that's not how I feel. I think we're just learning how to communicate better." Therapy, alone or together, is never a bad idea. We can all use help growing in self-awareness and shoring up our sense of self so that criticism is not a fatal blow but an opportunity to grow closer.