Generating interest

[ZA Dater]

I took a break for a while in terms of dating apps and suchlike, needed to try and feel better about myself as it felt like years of rejections and lack of interest were sitting on my shoulders. I specifically want to know from people have been able to find mutual attraction.

1: What interested you about the person

2: Was it a case of  you presenting certain qualities which interested them and if you did, did you tailor yourself to create interest

3: Did most of you meet that person via app, friends, cold approach and if so where?

4: How do you think rejection ever actually taught you anything useful.

I am trying to understand what actually interests people because if I can do that maybe I can try and drag some positive outcome out for myself by being a person I am fundamentally not in the hope I can get one positive experience out of it.

Been watching some videos, looking around me more but I also concede what I want probably isn't possible which just leaves me in no mans land of well nothing really.

 

 

[Foxhall]

well whether this relationship can go the distance who knows but in terms of us getting together as regards the questions you pose

1- Initially I was struck by her latina beauty I suppose. but more than that as Ive got to know her, the emotional intelligence she has, her warmth and class. that she is very easy to talk with and feel comfortable in her company. 

2- what does she see in me. lol good question. I am not a confident guy really, I dont know what type of image I portray here. In reality I am quite shy and gentlemanly I think with women. She said she found that attractive. she liked that I have some left field interests such as herbal medicine and that I might perhaps to try my hand at being a herbalist some day and helping people. Also I continue to surprise her, that she is finding I am bolder and cheekier than she initially thought and that I keep surprising her. Air of mystery perhaps. I can usually make her laugh too- usually based on stories either from my own experiences or other peoples. 

3- I met her in real life actually- although for a good few years I was trying online with some success but mostly struggling. I seen her at a horse racing event queueing for a coffee, not expecting any feedback really, but I says Are you from Spain. when she replied she was Mexican, I says I always dreamed of marrying a Mexican., will I tell you why over this coffee. So it took off from there and we are dating since last July.

4- Yes I got pretty attached to a girl in my early 20s- (I am 40 now how did that happen!) did not handle the rejection that well- kept sending her letter for a year or two after, ended up losing some good buddies or male friends too over it, which was the biggest loss in the long run. I met the same lady on the street around three years ago and she still blanks me!! Maybe on the positive side it taught me to be tolerant to recognaise that people have their own lives and own issues to deal with. to not be verbally abusive to people because that will come back to bite you and no one will want to be your friend.

someone asked me the other day what do I want in life- I says health and companionship. they says back surely there is more than that. I dont know really-perhaps ill start a thread on that at some point!

anyways good luck with your searching- 

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I took a break for a while in terms of dating apps and suchlike, needed to try and feel better about myself as it felt like years of rejections and lack of interest were sitting on my shoulders. I specifically want to know from people have been able to find mutual attraction.

1: What interested you about the person

2: Was it a case of  you presenting certain qualities which interested them and if you did, did you tailor yourself to create interest

3: Did most of you meet that person via app, friends, cold approach and if so where?

4: How do you think rejection ever actually taught you anything useful.

...

Been watching some videos, looking around me more but I also concede what I want probably isn't possible which just leaves me in no mans land of well nothing really.

First I've found mutual attraction several times and in several ways, I'll stick to women I've met through OLD and ones that lasted for at least 6 months or so.

I'll get right out there that I have a look minimum, but it is low...i.e. maybe a 4 or 5 in my type preference if you had to put it on a scale, and I often add a "point" to most photos as I do not photograph well when I know I'm being photographed.  Profiles are what sway me.  She can be a 10 in looks but if her profile is less than a 5 I'll pass, the few times I've not followed this general guideline I've "regretted" it.   Will just say my type of looks is not yours, rare is the famous person example who I do not consider fairly average or to skinny     Lucky for me there are many women who are 7 or 8s in my look preference who also meet my profile minimums. 

1. Personality as seen in the tone and subject matter of her profile, attracted to geeks, irreverence, humor and intelligence.  What she reads and the music she listens to.  That is just initial for sending a message and asking her out.   When meeting it is all about her personality to me and the degree to which we share outlook and cultural/intellectual/spiritual references.   Quick and insightful thoughts, an open and inquiring mind, and a good sense of humor.   

2. Yes, that is almost a given as they are interested in me for the qualities I present.   I do not tailor myself in that I change myself or hold back me.  In fact, I tend to put up front those things that past experience has put off some women (i think) or attracted the wrong ones.  For example, make no bones about my love of geek, or my anti-materialism.  I do hide my income and stick to my (very) blue collar roots, so in that sense I tailor myself but by removing things that I've found are huge determining factors to the kinds of women I don't get along well with in relationships to filter them out.

3.  Only talking about OLD, have met women through all of those.  All of the worse ones through friends, social circles but that is more a function of that was all there was in the past and hadn't learned well to filter then.

4.  Rejection and failure are the best teachers of all.  They are lessons you don't forget, especially if you admit and see your part in them.   My "filters" and what I present (or no longer "hide") come from lessons learned from rejection and what has worked.

 

I do agree it depends on what you want and what you offer.  Not in some transnational sense, but in a relationship and emotional sense.  If you expect a person to accept and give and be all sorts of things you are not willing to accept, give and be, then you are in a tough place.

Edited March 5, 2020 by SumGuy

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, SumGuy said:

 

 

4.  Rejection and failure are the best teachers of all.  They are lessons you don't forget, especially if you admit and see your part in them.   My "filters" and what I present (or no longer "hide") come from lessons learned from rejection and what has worked.

I do agree it depends on what you want and what you offer.  Not in some transnational sense, but in a relationship and emotional sense.  If you expect a person to accept and give and be all sorts of things you are not willing to accept, give and be, then you are in a tough place.

I have started to look at dating in a very transactional way because its always been that really when I think back. I have gone out tried to be the best version of myself I know how to be and yet its never really worked, fundamentally on a OLD basis I NEVER get anyone I find attractive at all. That's issue number one so I then try to overcome that by somehow creating a different sort of image, try make myself stand out for other reasons. Like you I used to embrace who I am but then realised that doesn't work and sometimes making up things go every so slightly better responses.

Interesting you say getting rid of things you don't feel work well, I haven't found what does work well because I never really find the interest to begin with. The sad reality for me almost everyone I know can rely on the superficial to try get interest, me no so much so when I am passed over I usually write it off to this, I can go on a date and just be me but its never enough because the foundation is wrong, the person sitting across from me doesn't interest me..

SO yes its all become pretty transactional, I write off rejection because of this and its also become hugely demoralising because I'll trawl through OLD and NEVER get a match I actually want, do I deserve those matches, I don't know, probably not, do the ones I match with interest me, mostly never and I guess this is because I have simply spent too much time around what I call the upper tier, ladies I cant EVER hope to date but who all impress me because they are together, they have lots of the qualities I like.

I think as life goes I just get more and more lonely to the point where I have never really been much of an animal person but I have rescued a few injured birds,  a jelly fish, re united a lost dog with its owner, probably because doing those things I at least feel like I matter at something.

[Trail Blazer]

I will use my current girlfriend as the basis of your question;

1) Her smile was the first thing I noticed.  We met on the same day we connected on Bumble.  Her beauty didn't show through in her photos to nearly the same degree as in real life.  As soon as we sat down with a drink, I could tell that I'd be seeing this girl again.  She's intelligent, funny, beautiful... everything I was looking for.

2) I guess you could say I presented certsin qualities she or women in general were after.  I did not taylor anything, though.  I just posted up a few selfies and a couple with a few buddies.  I did not have a bio written and really just put very little effort into my profile.  

3) So, all of my dates post-sepration (now divorce) have come about on dating apps.  Of all those dates, most women have been quick to ask me out/want to meet up.  I generally only swipe right to women I'm attracted to and thus, I limit my swiping somewhat significantly.  Bumble, Tinder and POF are the three I used.  I met my girlfriend on Bumble.

4) I've been rejected on many occasions.  From my ex-girlfriend pulling away, to being stood up on more than one occasion on a first date.  What did it teach me?  People are fickle and to not take it to heart.  Every no (or rejection) is one closer to a yes.

[Cookiesandough]

On 3/5/2020 at 6:49 PM, Trail Blazer said:

 

1) Her smile was the first thing I noticed.  We met on the same day we connected on Bumble.  Her beauty didn't show through in her photos to nearly the same degree as in real life.  As soon as we sat down with a drink, I could tell that I'd be seeing this girl again.  She's intelligent, funny, beautiful... everything I was looking for.

 

Aw that’s so sweet, trailblazer.