Relationship with a married woman

[SonOfMicheal]

Hello,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I "dated" a married woman that I worked with for almost three years. Please hold off your judgments on morality. Tis post is not about. The better half of our relationship was amazing for both of us. We did the a lot together. Outings, text conversations, shared interests, sex, all of it.  Great chemistry!

We were VERY close. some time into it another guy at work expressed interest in her. (no knowledge of us aside from being friends)  He started by leaving her snacks or yogurt on her desk. She has a desk tucked away in a corner and is kind of hidden away. Then he eventually started talking to her. Saying  things like "your husband wont get upset with me talking to you?"  and Joked to her about "stealing her away from her husband".

I only know this because she mentioned it to me at first. Even came to me for advise about it at initially at one point and briefly kept me posted on him after we agreed to maybe avoid him. I felt concerned at first, but trusted what we had and the feelings I felt we shared. Plus She told me she has no interest in him like that. I accepted that but He would continue to bring her food, make her salads etc and she would accept it.

I started to got annoyed. She would say I need to stop letting him get under my skin and its not a competition. Maybe I was being crazy, But at one point I asked “I just want to understand what is going on. Why does he still try after being told no” And she blew up at me. Told me Im obsessing. “I don’t get to understand it cause she didn’t understand it.” She would start to get angry whenever I approached her about him.

Suggested we don’t talk about him cause it only makes us both upset. I feel now that I cant bring it up. I once walked in on them talking and he was flirting hardcore with her and she laughed it off. I told her how that made me feel and she got upset and said “shes done nothing wrong except where I was concerned.”

I know some if not most of my feelings about this are part of my own insecurities. I haven’t been focusing on my own well-being and I’ll admit I’ve made some stupid  personal decisions she didn’t approve of.  But In all of my past relationships I rarely ever had jealousy or trust issues. I sometimes get a feeling in my gut when I think of it, but Im also not sure what a gut feeling really feels like.

I really hope I didn’t make this come off one sided in my favor or make her out to be the villain. But  Am I completely wrong for thinking or at least feeling the way I do?? We aren’t speaking now cause I drunk texted her way to much about how I felt. (yes I know, HORRIBLE MOVE!) but I also don’t feel comfortable that am able to talk to her about it. I told her that I have trouble trusting her and she said, probably out of anger or frustration, "she doesn't give a  that I F@#K that I have trust issues with her. Thats all on me." 

 

Thanks again for reading.

dmh

Edited March 6, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, merge duplicate content and move to OM/OW

[DKT3]

Honestly,  what do you expect? That a woman actively cheating with you wouldn't cheat on you?

She isnt your wife and she is clearly interested in yet another boyfriend to compliment you and her husband. 

What's the appeal?

Edited March 5, 2020 by DKT3

[smackie9]

She has np cheating on her husband, so why would she feel she needs to be committed to just you? She's not committed to anyone. Notice that a cheater doesn't actually have any real integrity right? You are disillusioned about this woman. She can do whatever she wants because she prefers to have no boundaries. Sorry but she has found a new flavor of the month. You are out and this new guy is in. She's not in it for love, she's in it for the attraction and attention, the thrill of a new lover.

[SonOfMicheal]

39 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She has np cheating on her husband, so why would she feel she needs to be committed to just you? She's not committed to anyone. Notice that a cheater doesn't actually have any real integrity right? You are disillusioned about this woman. She can do whatever she wants because she prefers to have no boundaries. Sorry but she has found a new flavor of the month. You are out and this new guy is in. She's not in it for love, she's in it for the attraction and attention, the thrill of a new lover.

So put the stigma of her cheating aside.  If this were a regular type relationship would my concerns be unhealthy? 

It's not like she hasn't been supportive of me and she has set boundries to keep this dude at bay. IDK maybe its wrong to make assumptions. 

[notbroken]

You don't trust her because she is untrustworthy.   Sorry, but you can't disregard the fact she is fundamentally a cheater and that will always be in your mind.  That's the problem when your whole relationship is based on cheating.    You are wasting your time.  Even if you did end up with her you could never trust her.  There would always be that knowledge of who she is and how you met.   Being with her is likely keeping you from pursuing someone better.  Drop her.   Can't do it soon enough. 

[smackie9]

OK lets forget about her being married. Yes you should be concerned, but you can't do anything because she has all the control in this relationship. She doesn't care what you think about her behavior or how you feel. She won't hear of it. What can you do? well in her mind you don't own her, and this is how she is treating her relationship with her husband. See the pattern? She's gonna do whatever she wants. So what are you going to do? You can ignore it or end it. Don't kid yourself, most affairs have a shelf life and it's looking like your days are numbered.

[carhill]

Known a lot of MW's, first thing to let go of is any form of constructive exclusivity. It's simply not in their nature as a guiding principal. Can they be exclusive? Yes. But they aren't when they're having an affair.

The way it works is you enjoy banging them and/or sharing some fun times without expectations. If anything comes of it, cool, OK. Else, it's just moments in life. Over all too soon.

Welcome to LS....

[oldtruck]

they cheat with you.

they will cheat on you.

she is cheating on her BH.

what is so special a co-worker that she cheating on her BH with?

nothing.

[assertives]

You guys are in an open "relationship". One where everyone but her husband is aware. She does not owe you commitment or loyalty. She is technically free (from you, not her husband) to date around or flirt around. This is the state of your "relationship" with her.

[kendahke]

this is why you leave married women alone.

Do better.

[chillii]

Ahhh, for a start , wtf you doing with a married woman. look how you feel about this guy , just imagine if you were her husband , and does she have kids , because sooner or later affairs destroy families.

As far as can you trust her umm, she's married yet hanging out with and screwing you , of course you can't trust her don't care what story she gives about her marriage , and now it sounds like she having a good ol flirt with this other guy too. The only reason he can do that is because she's allowing it and enjoying it. Just do yourself some justice and go meet a single girl that's real and wants a real relationship. Your just allowing yourself to be the doormat fun on the side of a married woman.

Edited March 6, 2020 by chillii

[d0nnivain]

It is on you in the sense that your trust was always misplaced.  Your GF is a liar.  She lies to her husband every day that she doesn't apply for a divorce; every time she talks to you & every time she has sex with you.  How may lies is that over the course of your relationship?  

Now we add in this new male.  If she can lie so easily to her HUSBAND the guy she took VOWS with before God & everybody important to her in the world, of course she can & is lying to you.  Now she's also adding gas lighting to that list of sins turning it around & blaming you for not wanting to put up with more of her unethical immoral attention seeking behavior. 

The old adage is true for a reason.  If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.  

[Fletch Lives]

Well if she's married, she might not have much interest in anybody, including you. She may be still hung up on her husband. You might just be a toy for her. 

If you are interested in trust - don't date married women. They are not ready for a relationship involving trust when they are cheating.

[Redhead14]

23 hours ago, SonOfMicheal said:

 "she doesn't give a  that I F@#K that I have trust issues with her.

She doesn't care about anyone's trust in her apparently.  Now there are two men (that we know about) who can't/shouldn't trust her . . .

Edited March 6, 2020 by Redhead14

[Springsummer]

This post is very much related to morality. How can you trust who lie and cheats every day? how can you trust someone who has no moral?

[d0nnivain]

On 3/5/2020 at 11:39 AM, SonOfMicheal said:

So put the stigma of her cheating aside.  If this were a regular type relationship would my concerns be unhealthy? 

No.  She's gaslighting you.  

[Redhead14]

2 hours ago, Springsummer said:

how can you trust someone who has no moral?

He's dating a woman who is cheating on her husband.  That kinda puts him in the questionable morals boat too . . . birds of a feather flock together. 

[BaileyB]

You don’t trust her because you know for a fact that she is untrustworthy. You are just not willing to accept this yet - still thinking that what you share is “so special.”

She doesn't actually seem to care - she’s going to do exactly what she wants to do, regardless of whether you like it or not. Good catch you got there. Good luck to you. 

Edited March 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[carhill]

In fairness, everyone lies. If everyone on this site who lied got a bullet in the brain this place would be a ghost town. People arbitrarily assign importance to lies, generally to benefit themselves and to judge others.

In a humorous ironic way the OP reminded me of young life in my demographic. A young married woman fielding multiple pursuers for an affair and selecting among them to get the best deal for her. Very common. Sure, gussied up in 'horrible husband' and 'I don't feel loved' and 'we're getting a divorce' stuff but the guys went for it hook line and sinker. Sure, attractiveness and sexual allure, even if not obviously demonstrated, helped. They lined up whenever a married lady exuded the smell that her H wasn't potentially numero uno. The prime example that came to mind didn't get struck down by angel Gabriel for her horrible lack of moral behavior, rather she's now a proud grandmother living a quite comfortable and I presume satisfying life with the last guy she had an affair with, now for 20 years. All those guys 30-40 years ago, likely even her husband except when the grandkids are involved, are a distant and forgotten part of history. As is typical for humans, we move on. Associations end, people die.

OP, perhaps that's instructive. In many ways, we're all forgotten, erased by time, eventually dead. IMO, don't put all your eggs in this woman's basket, regardless of her relationship status. I think that's what your gut is telling you. At some level you get that she's not a good fit for you even if "The better half of our relationship was amazing for both of us" . You can, however, thank her for teaching some good life lessons.

 

[Betrayed&Stayed]

On 3/5/2020 at 11:39 AM, SonOfMicheal said:

So put the stigma of her cheating aside.  If this were a regular type relationship would my concerns be unhealthy? 

It's not like she hasn't been supportive of me and she has set boundries to keep this dude at bay. IDK maybe its wrong to make assumptions. 

You're not her steady boyfriend, you're her affair partner. Big difference! This is not a regular type of relationship. She's a cheater, so what do you expect?

[mark clemson]

In a normal relationship, you both decide what the boundaries are together. Usually the more conservative partner's boundaries drive the "rules", and if one or the other doesn't agree there is negotiation and possibly measures taken to help ensure trust (e.g. passwords to each others phones). There can also be the end of the R if boundaries can't align well enough for one of the partners to feel comfortable.

IF this was a regular relationship, you would explain that it makes you uncomfortable, negotiate changes, and IF necessary end the relationship. Your willingness to continue the relationship (or not) would be one primary "lever" in the negotiation. That is possible here as well, although her "loss" of you is significantly less drastic as she has a husband. You have power, it's just a lot less. If you are emotionally attached to her, then presumably it hurts you more to walk away. Particularly if you have to watch her take up with the new guy, which can be distressing.

Not a fun situation, but affairs are often only fun for a while. (Normal relationships too, sometimes.)

If you walked away and found a new job to reduce your emotional distress, that might be a sensible reaction if she insists on carrying on with the new guy. Moving on to a better job would "kill two birds with one stone" and might be ideal.

You have other "power" although I'm not at all suggesting you use it. For example if you ended the relationship and got a new job you could threaten to tell HR and/or her husband. Might not at all end up being a good idea, though, because there often can be "blowback" from blowing up other people's lives. For example, if her husband divorced her over your affair, in some states he can sue you for "alienation of affection". If she survives any "reveals" at work, she might gossip about you and damage your professional reputation. You might lose that shiny new job one day and want to come back or find out she's now advising the hiring manager at a place you want to apply to. Also, no threats will force her to actually care for you if she doesn't anymore.

My main suggestion would be to end things, find a new job, and walk away and never look back, not necessarily in that order.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 3/5/2020 at 11:39 AM, SonOfMicheal said:

So put the stigma of her cheating aside.  If this were a regular type relationship would my concerns be unhealthy? 

It's not like she hasn't been supportive of me and she has set boundries to keep this dude at bay. IDK maybe its wrong to make assumptions. 

Your concerns are not unhealthy. You need to learn not to diminish your own inner voice and inner alarms.

Your subconscious is telling you that you have reason to be alarmed, but you don't want to accept it. Instead you are clinging to the fantasy that all is well. She is showing you who she truly is. Her stating your insecurities are your problem is a major red flag. It is gaslighting you as it makes you question your own thoughts and feelings. Also, her lack of empathy or concern for you is pretty appalling.

Take a huge step back. Your emotions are clouding your judgement. Your feelings are there to alert you of danger. Don't ignore them. If you ignore, they will fester and you'll be all the worse for wear. 

Find your voice. Protect yourself. Good that you reached out here for help. She's not the cute, innocent little buttercup you imagined during your trysts. She definitely enjoys lots of attention...from a variety of men, too.

Edited March 7, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Buffer]

Well you can’t go to HR as a cheating WW who has no respect or boundaries with her BS is now cheating on her husband and you her AP. Did you really think she would be monogamous to you and not her husband or new AP? Cut, run Forest Run!

Buffer

Edited March 7, 2020 by Buffer

[Blind-Sided]

Well.....

Yes, this is the OW/OM forum, and we generally support people here.  And we don't judge based on the A.  But since this is you getting upset with your OW that she is getting a new BF... that's hard to give sympathy. The A has run its course, and as someone else said... you are in an open relationship.  OK... maybe you didn't feel that way... and you forget that she is married... but I'm sure she doesn't forget.  And now that she has gotten comfortable with you... she is now looking at the new person who makes her feel good.

My only advice is... break it off now before you get hurt more.

Sorry.

[Redhead14]

16 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

 

And we don't judge based on the A.

Right, but pointing out that someone is using/has used poor judgement is not being judgemental . . . it's a bad judgement call to date married people.  That's the plain old truth.  Using poor judgement and expecting a good outcome or having high expectations in terms of character from an affair partner, is an oxymoron.