I (BS) Lost that Loving Feeling. Want it Back

[merrmeade]

Quote

 

As I mentioned in my last post, I have wondered the same thing.

I decided to just ask her.

I was going to ask her last night, but we were having such a beautiful time together I decided not to ask at that time because I did not want to ruin a great evening.  I am glad I did not.  I do ask and say what I need to now but that does not happen too often anymore and I have found that timing is everything.  Sometimes I resolve my questions or thoughts/feelings without even bringing it up to her.

But this afternoon she was at my office alone with me so I did ask.  I asked it almost exactly how you worded it.  I asked her, I believe in a non-angry and calm way, if I did not get to the point where I could match her feelings for me and I could not get to the point where I could repeat her "I love you"s would she eventually just say "f*** it" and just revert back to her old ways.

At first she teared up a little and apologized for that.  Then she said she would not do that because she knows it was all her fault. She also pointed out that I still treat her amazingly and maybe even better than before and she still is and always has been spoiled by me.  She also said she understands why it is hard for me, especially since it has not even been that long relatively speaking that she has been a decent wife.  (I think now a GREAT wife in the present).  She said that sometimes she gets discouraged but she is not going to ever go back to what she was before.  She looked so sad and I felt for her and  hugged her and we kissed.  This was not her old boo-hoo pity party act that she used in the past to manipulate me and shut me up.  She was not even really crying at that point but I could see it in her eyes and expression and posture.  We talked about a few other things and then moved on with our day. I know I have been fooled in the past, but I am 99.9% certain this was very genuine (I never say 100% with her but I am as positive as I can be having been with her since we were high school kids..) <-- NO, NOT BECAUSE OF THAT. It's because of what you've gone through (because of her) and what you've done with it. 

One thing I am taking from this is that when things are going well and I feel good I am going to try to not ruin a good evening or a good day by bringing up tough thoughts or questions.  Last night I held back and we had a great time together and when I had a chance to ask my question I did and it went very well.  I am thinking that if I want to enjoy my time with her, which I totally do now, I should try to hold my tongue, deal with my issues myself if I can, and if not pick a good time to initiate a discussion.

At this point, there really is nothing more she can do to help me heal and to be the amazing wife I always wanted.  I think I need to just enjoy that more and stop ruining it for myself in my own head.

I do not think she will ever go back to what she was for so long.  <-- THIS  -->  I hope I can get back to where I once was or at least much closer.  I think we will then BOTH be a lot happier, not like a fairytale, but a lot better.

 

TLN, you really need this one last thing. You canNOT go away like this. You're still muttering the same nonsense that started this thread (although I must admit it's been one of my favorites). Always going on about 'getting back' - 'lost that loving feeling, want it back.' No you absolutely do NOT want to go back to the way you were because the way you were was clueless. Otherwise, would you have been so gobsmacked when you found out? Would you have been  fooled in the first place? It would not happen today.

Look at the things in bold in your post. Those places are you saying that you don't see the same. You know her better. Hell, you know everything better. 

In fact, it will not happen because that same wisdom and awareness will allow you to love better. A little sadly maybe, we have to acknowledge that the reason we don't love the same as before is because we can't possibly idealize our spouses any more. We see them for all that they are. And you, I think, have a pretty good one. I really predict that she is going to slowly but surely not just reclaim herself but remake herself as the good, kind, unselfish person she always wanted to be. She's going to like herself better, too. So you may be in for a pleasant surprise. Maybe I'm wrong, but one thing I know for certain: You. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. Back. 

And come on, TLN, let's be honest. You couldn't if you wanted to anyway. You just can't unlearn what you know. But you can use it to go deeper, higher and feel fuller. 

The next stage is learning to love yourself for all that vision you've gained about people and love and life. You need to spend time quietly contemplating these things you throw out so casually and be inspired by it. Look at how you've changed and just be with it for once. It's only up from here.

Edited July 22, 2020 by merrmeade
This really is the dumbest thing - reason for edit. Is it for data collection? I'd like it better. Anyway, reason for edit was it was missing some things, needed clarifying - the things that editing does.

[DKT3]

I agree with @merrmeade, you will never love your wife the way you did, you will never view her the same.

That doesn't mean you dont love her or can't still have a great marriage. 

Prior to my wife's affair,  I thought she hung the moon. I had a very idealistic view of her and sadly she spent years try to match at view. 

Now I see her warts and I still love her, its different because I really know her.

Sometimes when we really get to know our spouse we also realize that they are not what we want. I truly believe that is where you are, I just think you are scared to admit that because it means you have to make a change.  Even as poorly as your wife treated you for decades,  at some point this becomes unfair too.  It becomes unfair because you have the information,  I believe you know it's not in you to truly repair your marriage,  yet you allow her to blindly go down that path, just like she did to you for all of your marriage. 

[pepperbird]

op,

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you need to give yourself some more time and a chance to let your new marriage find its way naturally.

I say "new" because of all intents and purposes, your old, "innocent" marriage is dead and gone- so is the woman you thought you married. What you have now is a woman who has shown you who she really was and is trying to be someone better. Will that be enough, or will it be "too little too late"- I don't know.

In your shoes, I would keep talking to her as much as you can and give yourselves time and an opportunity to see where the new relationship takes you.  Back when you first met, you didn't try to force feelings with her, you just let yourself develop them naturally. Why not give yourselves the same chance now? Instead of trying to get back to what is now gone, look at your situation and an opportunity and adventure. You two get the chance to get to know each other all over again- why not  do so, without putting pressure on your marriage to be like it was? Accept that it can't be like it used to be- but it can be better.

[TooLateNow]

14 hours ago, merrmeade said:

TLN, you really need this one last thing. You canNOT go away like this. You're still muttering the same nonsense that started this thread (although I must admit it's been one of my favorites). Always going on about 'getting back' - 'lost that loving feeling, want it back.' No you absolutely do NOT want to go back to the way you were because the way you were was clueless. Otherwise, would you have been so gobsmacked when you found out? Would you have been  fooled in the first place? It would not happen today.

Look at the things in bold in your post. Those places are you saying that you don't see the same. You know her better. Hell, you know everything better. 

In fact, it will not happen because that same wisdom and awareness will allow you to love better. A little sadly maybe, we have to acknowledge that the reason we don't love the same as before is because we can't possibly idealize our spouses any more. We see them for all that they are. And you, I think, have a pretty good one. I really predict that she is going to slowly but surely not just reclaim herself but remake herself as the good, kind, unselfish person she always wanted to be. She's going to like herself better, too. So you may be in for a pleasant surprise. Maybe I'm wrong, but one thing I know for certain: You. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. Back. 

And come on, TLN, let's be honest. You couldn't if you wanted to anyway. You just can't unlearn what you know. But you can use it to go deeper, higher and feel fuller. 

The next stage is learning to love yourself for all that vision you've gained about people and love and life. You need to spend time quietly contemplating these things you throw out so casually and be inspired by it. Look at how you've changed and just be with it for once. It's only up from here.

You are correct of course.
 

I have come a long way but I do occasionally slip back into unrealistic expectations and longing for things that are not only unattainable but probably not healthy for me anyway.

 

It is a process for sure, but I think overall I am heading in the right direction. I just get sidetracked sometimes. Thanks for pointing me back in the right direction. 

[TooLateNow]

11 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Sometimes when we really get to know our spouse we also realize that they are not what we want. I truly believe that is where you are, I just think you are scared to admit that because it means you have to make a change.  Even as poorly as your wife treated you for decades,  at some point this becomes unfair too.  It becomes unfair because you have the information,  I believe you know it's not in you to truly repair your marriage,  yet you allow her to blindly go down that path, just like she did to you for all of your marriage. 

I do not think that is where I am. I am actually enjoying my “new” wife. I will admit, though, I do hate change. 
 

I do not think I am being unfair. I have been totally honest with my wife about how I feel. She is making a fully informed choice. I offered to let her move on and to even help her and make things easy on her  if that is what she wanted (and some thought I was a sucker for that). She wants to stay, and she is trying hard. So am I. If her feelings change I would let her go, but I do not think that will happen. However, I guess anything is possible. 

Edited July 23, 2020 by TooLateNow

[TooLateNow]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

op,

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you need to give yourself some more time and a chance to let your new marriage find its way naturally.

I say "new" because of all intents and purposes, your old, "innocent" marriage is dead and gone- so is the woman you thought you married. What you have now is a woman who has shown you who she really was and is trying to be someone better. Will that be enough, or will it be "too little too late"- I don't know.

In your shoes, I would keep talking to her as much as you can and give yourselves time and an opportunity to see where the new relationship takes you.  Back when you first met, you didn't try to force feelings with her, you just let yourself develop them naturally. Why not give yourselves the same chance now? Instead of trying to get back to what is now gone, look at your situation and an opportunity and adventure. You two get the chance to get to know each other all over again- why not  do so, without putting pressure on your marriage to be like it was? Accept that it can't be like it used to be- but it can be better.

Thank you for sharing your excellent insight.
 

Great point about how things were when we first met. We did not have to force anything. This is a perspective I had not considered. 
 

It was also like a new adventure in the beginning. Thinking of our “new” relationship as a new adventure and an opportunity for something new and better seems like a great idea. I love an adventure and a challenge. 
 

Thank you for suggesting a new and better way for me to look at this. I am going to give it a try. 

[understand50]

7 minutes ago, TooLateNow said:

I do not think that is where I am. I am actually enjoying my “new” wife. I will admit, though, I do hate change. 
 

I do not think I am being unfair. I have been totally honest with my wife about how I feel. She is making a fully informed choice. I offered to let her move on and to even help her and make things easy on her  if that is what she wanted (and some thought I was a sucker for that). She wants to stay, and she is trying hard. So am I. If her feelings change I would let her go, but I do not think that will happen. However, I guess anything is possible. 

So, after this post, I am wondering why all the fuss?  You know she is a cheater.  You know she will not be totally honest on what has gone on.  You know she does not want to talk about it with you.  You have decided to live with her and stay together.  She has "changed", and you find this much more easy then in the past.  Look, there is no magic way to get someone to talk, be honest or work though "your shared past".  She is what she is.  She can not undo the past.  As stated in many threads, "She can not un-F**k the guy(s)".  At this point, I only thing you can do.  You have decided to continue to live with her in marriage, and live out the rest of your life together.   OK, not a bad thing. 

For a BS, who forgives and stays, we have to live with the idea that our loved one cheated.  If the cheating in the past, it comes down to making the here and now good.  You will always remember the hurt and pain they caused, but it is tempered by time, and also what is going on now.  Am I still really angry about what my wife has done?  Sure, but I decided to give her a second chance, and I decided to stay.  So, I work on the here and now.  I only bring up the past when new information comes in.   (it does from time to time) I suggest you do the same.  I think in the long run it will make things better for you.

I wish you luck.....

[TooLateNow]

37 minutes ago, understand50 said:

So, after this post, I am wondering why all the fuss?  You know she is a cheater.  You know she will not be totally honest on what has gone on.  You know she does not want to talk about it with you.  You have decided to live with her and stay together.  She has "changed", and you find this much more easy then in the past.  Look, there is no magic way to get someone to talk, be honest or work though "your shared past".  She is what she is.  She can not undo the past.  As stated in many threads, "She can not un-F**k the guy(s)".  At this point, I only thing you can do.  You have decided to continue to live with her in marriage, and live out the rest of your life together.   OK, not a bad thing. 

For a BS, who forgives and stays, we have to live with the idea that our loved one cheated.  If the cheating in the past, it comes down to making the here and now good.  You will always remember the hurt and pain they caused, but it is tempered by time, and also what is going on now.  Am I still really angry about what my wife has done?  Sure, but I decided to give her a second chance, and I decided to stay.  So, I work on the here and now.  I only bring up the past when new information comes in.   (it does from time to time) I suggest you do the same.  I think in the long run it will make things better for you.

I wish you luck.....

I agree with most of this especially living in the “here and now.”

But I do think she has now been honest with me. And while it is not pleasant for her to talk about the past she is willing to do so now and has initiated discussions herself. I rarely bring it up. But it has only been about a year since I was even “allowed” to discuss it, so there needed to be time for processing and discussions. I think that is done and all my questions are answered and all my feelings expressed. If it comes up at all now it is usually her checking on me or I may have an isolated question come to mind that I ask about (very rare). 

[SRCSRC]

You decided to swallow a hell of a lot to keep the marriage afloat.  Why, I don't know, but that is for you to figure out.  Are you certain she has been faithful over the last 20 years?  You can't be.  That may be bugging you.  A polygraph is in order to address this doubt if it is consuming your thinking.  I'd demand one.  But I'm not you.  Your subconscious will not allow your conscious to will your feelings for your wife.  But, maybe it will be easier if all doubts are erased.  

[TooLateNow]

On 9/10/2020 at 6:06 PM, SRCSRC said:

You decided to swallow a hell of a lot to keep the marriage afloat.  Why, I don't know, but that is for you to figure out.  Are you certain she has been faithful over the last 20 years?  You can't be.  That may be bugging you.  A polygraph is in order to address this doubt if it is consuming your thinking.  I'd demand one.  But I'm not you.  Your subconscious will not allow your conscious to will your feelings for your wife.  But, maybe it will be easier if all doubts are erased.  

Actually, I believe her about the last 20 years. I am as certain as I can be. It is not bugging me in the least. 
 

I asked her about a polygraph once. She agreed without hesitation. I think I was just testing her. I never really wanted to do it. 

We are doing pretty well now. I got a lot of help from my therapist with coping strategies. I have leveled off fairly well. 
 

We were able to do a beach resort trip for my birthday and a summer trip to Vegas when it first opened back up. We have a great time when we are together. She now treats me ridiculously well. Oddly enough, I resented that at first. Now I love it. She has always said that I treated her like a princess, which I did and did so intentionally. Now I am getting the royal prince treatment. 

My occasional struggles now usually come when I am alone or sometimes bad dreams. But I can handle them much better now. Therapy has been a real life saver for me. 

My bigger issue now is coping with a grandson still battling cancer. It is getting worse and he is very sick and in a lot of pain. If you or anyone on here prays, please pray for him. 

[schlumpy]

All that matters is how you feel about taking her back and placing your heart in her hands once again.

She thinks she knows you pretty well so make sure you surprise her in the future.

Best of luck going forward.

[Datingdisabled]

On 3/6/2020 at 1:35 AM, mark clemson said:

@TooLateNow if I seem wise, it's probably mostly because I'm good at absorbing what other folks around here say, but thank you, I'll certainly take the compliment.

I don't know if there's a way. Certainly not an easy way. If she pulls back a bit now it will probably only trigger (very reasonable) mistrust in you. And asking her to consciously "be a bit more distant" or similar probably won't work, because (a) it's a pretty crazy request to make of a partner and (b) your brain probably won't be fooled because you'll know she's faking it.

So I don't see an easy way, unfortunately.   If anything comes to mind, I'll certainly post.

One aspect of this dynamic. Your wife may have a bit of insecure attachment (as do you, I believe - it's part of what drives the "neediness"). So if she is sensing distance from you that may in part being driving her quest for your attention - she is now the needy one for you. I could be wrong about that. As others have pointed out it might be manipulation or similar.

They say around here that after infidelity you create a new marriage. At the moment, this is the new marriage you've created. Things will probably shift naturally over time, although it's impossible to know in what way in advance.

I like posters who seem intelliy bit don't come across trying to show themselves up and other people down or actually believing they are in a better place then someone else. I like forward, direct and blunt but not rude. I too respect your posts and enjoy them. Thing you all have to remember is that the world is very forgiving and at any moment, anyone can change their life. It's easy to make money, there is no shortage of money and it's an easy thing to make. Anyone can read books and attend school to be more smart. Anyone can look better. If you think they can't then you aren't wise. The people that deliberately put someone else down are the ones you can't come back from. If you intentionally kick a dead horse, your a useless son of a gun. People should remember that when giving advice!

[Buffer]

Strength to you, I really hope you are successful in love and life. 
Regarding the little one and the fight against Cancer. Well f&$k Cancer!

One day at a time 

Buffer 

[SRCSRC]

I am so sorry to hear about your grandson.  I wish all of you the best in coping with his illness.  My thoughts are with all of you for his recovery.  This truly puts everything in perspective.