Is partner X normally dominant over partner Y?

[E-mc2]

This is something I'm curious about and would like to take a simple survey.  Is it common in a relationships to have one partner who is dominant over the other?  Are the majority of relationships out there 50/50 or is one person usually more dominant and the other more submissive?  Please share your own experiences and what you have observed with other couples.

 

 

 

 

   

[Ruby Slippers]

In my relationship, we're both "switches" - cardinal/leadership/take charge in most ways, but with one another can be very yielding. Sometimes he takes the reins, and other times I do. I feel this makes for a dynamic, fun, interesting relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Dominant & submissive have very specific sexual connotations & definitions. I can't speak to that aspect at all. 

However in any human dynamic there is always a power dynamic between people.  Somebody leads & others follow.  Somebody takes the laboring oar & the other goes along.  

In my marriage it probably looks like I'm in charge.  I make all the social plans & do the work of the day to day (make dinner etc) but we talk about big decisions.   We talked about how we would function as a couple & this is what worked for us.  It might not work for others.   We struggled in the beginning & consulted over everything which was annoying & slowed certain things down.  We had money rules, like no spending more then $100 without talking to the other person 1st.  As we grew to trust the other's judgement more those rules became more fluid.  We don't financially cheat on the other person but I don't contact DH in the moment if a repair bill runs high or I spend more at the grocery store.  I feel more comfortable going clothes shopping without asking him& vice versa.  

[E-mc2]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

However in any human dynamic there is always a power dynamic between people.  Somebody leads & others follow.  

We talked about how we would function as a couple & this is what worked for us.  It might not work for others.   We struggled in the beginning & consulted over everything which was annoying & slowed certain things down.  

Yeah sorry for the confusion.  My question was on the relationship or marriage side of things and running a household, just like you answered.  I feel like there is so much emphasis on equality these days that everything, no matter what, is "equal".  I know if equal works then it works, but my observation is that most marriages and relationships appear that one person is leading and the other is following at least to some degree.  There are areas in my marriage where my wife leads and I follow.  Then areas the reverse is true.  What I find interesting is that you seem to have discussed which areas each of you would take responsibility on.  I can't say my wife and I have had open discussion on who is in charge of what, it just sort of happens organically.  The purpose of my question is what you already hit on.  There are one or two areas that my wife and I butt heads on and we can't seem to resolve it.  I'm wondering if it's as simple as us agreeing on who is going to be in charge of what.  If equality isn't going to yield harmony then maybe it's time to try a different approach.

Edited March 6, 2020 by E-mc2

[sothereiwas]

I lead, my tribe follows. If I want to have a tribe to lead, I have to do a good job and that means making sure they're happy among other things, so it's a self regulating system. 

[RecentChange]

From a sociological point of view, all relationships have some sort of power dynamic going on.

But very few have a black and white "this person has the power, the other does not".

Romantic relationships are complex and nuanced. More of an art rather than a science. 

Mine, like many contain some yin and yang. In areas of finance for example, I am usually the final decision maker. 

He calls the shots when it comes to our travel, social outings etc.

Basically it comes down to our strengths and weakness, where I have a better aptitude, I lead, where he is better suited, he leads.

We never had to discuss rules or any of that, over our nearly two decades together our dynamic simply developed. We respect each other and tend to see eye to eye on most matters, so conflict and power struggles have been minimal. 

Edited March 6, 2020 by RecentChange

[d0nnivain]

Talking is the answer.  Maybe taking turns would work.  

Sometimes it doesn't work.  I delegated a social thing to DH last night & it's after lunch today but he still hasn't done anything about it (bought tickets) or told me to buy them or heck even said he changed his mind.   I fell down on the job this week too.  I was supposed to move some money around but I didn't.  We didn't have enough in the household account to do something on Wednesday.  Whoops.   

Some of it depends on how important the thing is AND how you respond when there's  a problem.   In my example above, DH gave me a dirty look, I cringed & apologized.  He charged it on a credit card & I moved the money around when we got home.  

[mark clemson]

My guess would be that most couples switch off leadership roles at least occasionally. Always being the leader is probably draining and always being the follower probably starts to chafe, even for those who desire that role, for example if they know more about a certain topic than the usually-dominant partner.

There are groups like Taken In Hand for male-dominated relationships. I suspect even for them the women take the lead in "traditional household" matters such as child-rearing. You could try to contact a few folks from that group on the web and they may be able to give you more info if you really want to know.

There are also extreme D/s "lifestyle" or "Total Power Exchange" kink relationships which at least appear to be very one sided towards the dominant partner (male or female) and this extends outside of the bedroom. For example the male or female (I've soon both) spends significant evening time chained in a crate with food and water dishes, i.e. like a pet.

Depending on the specifics, some of these R's can be seen as the "deep end" of the kink pool and are not for the faint of heart IMO.

[K.K.]

Woo ! Gettin hot in herrrrr  ! 😲

[mark clemson]

I would indeed note that the vast majority of the R's do appear to be desired on the part of the less dominant partner.

[sothereiwas]

21 hours ago, mark clemson said:

My guess would be that most couples switch off leadership roles at least occasionally.

There's a difference between delegation and abdication. The former is good and common, the latter is often a disaster. 

[mark clemson]

You're probably right about that generally.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I see "dominant/submissive" as almost entirely a fetish thing at this point. Even people who talk about "traditional" roles in those terms tend to fetishize them. A lot.

I go for hierarchy. My husband is first in command. I'm second in command. 

Doesn't mean I can't take the lead where my skills and expertise warrant it, but it's his job to delegate.

[E-mc2]

47 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

I see "dominant/submissive" as almost entirely a fetish thing at this point. Even people who talk about "traditional" roles in those terms tend to fetishize them. A lot.

I go for hierarchy. My husband is first in command. I'm second in command. 

Doesn't mean I can't take the lead where my skills and expertise warrant it, but it's his job to delegate.

I don't like "dominant and submissive" phrase either because it has it's own connotations that come with it.  Delegate is a better word I think but at the end of the day it's pretty close.  If you view your husband as being first in command isn't that the same as him being dominant over you?  Same thing, IMO but without the fetishness tied to it.

Anyway, your example is perfect and makes my point.  You are in a relationship where one person is assumed to be in a leadership role above the other person.  I honestly was expecting that most people would say it's 50/50 and no person delegates above the other.  In my relationship I have strived to have that 50/50 dynamic but I'm finding out it isn't working too well.  There are a few areas that would benefit if one of us has hierarchy and the other yields.  Needless to say this is something that both of us would have to mutually agree on in advance.  

[E-mc2]

1 hour ago, sothereiwas said:

There's a difference between delegation and abdication. The former is good and common, the latter is often a disaster. 

I assume by abdication you mean it wouldn't be a good thing if one partner completely yields their will 100% and has no say, whereas with delegation one partner leads and the other follows but still has a say.

 

[sothereiwas]

1 hour ago, E-mc2 said:

with delegation one partner leads and the other follows but still has a say.

Delegation means that one person is in charge, as it were, but that a lot of day to day decisions have to be made by those most closely associated with the issues in question, without constant checking with headquarters and getting everything in triplicate. It's a reasonable and loving leadership hierarchy, not an unwieldy and unworkable  bureaucracy. 

I guess I got lucky with my randomly assigned parents or something, I thought everyone learned how it works growing up in a family.

[Kitty Tantrum]

3 hours ago, E-mc2 said:

If you view your husband as being first in command isn't that the same as him being dominant over you?  Same thing, IMO but without the fetishness tied to it.

Essentially, yes.

Another reason I don't like the "dominant/submissive" labels, though (aside from the fetish stuff), is that they tend to be conflated with personality/personal identity.

Lots of people make the assumption that my marriage dynamic denotes that I must be a weak/submissive female in general. Like it's unimaginable that I would submit to my husband if i were not. As if being content with "second-in-command" somehow means I'm second-rate. 😆

[sothereiwas]

2 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

As if being content with "second-in-command" somehow means I'm second-rate. 

A great XO is tough to find. 

[Ruby Slippers]

On 3/6/2020 at 12:39 PM, E-mc2 said:

There are one or two areas that my wife and I butt heads on and we can't seem to resolve it.

I find that being gracious in those areas really helps. A wise person once told me that when you respect a boundary or requirement, it often disappears. 

My boyfriend and I had some friction because at first I was doing most of the housework. I put this on the table, he's stepped up to give more, and in kind I feel more motivated to give more in certain ways. The result is a cleaner and happier home.

[E-mc2]

15 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

Lots of people make the assumption that my marriage dynamic denotes that I must be a weak/submissive female in general. Like it's unimaginable that I would submit to my husband if i were not. As if being content with "second-in-command" somehow means I'm second-rate. 😆

I understand.  My wife takes on a few roles as delegate in our marriage.  So just imagine what it's like being a man who yields to his wife in some areas.  It has often times felt uncomfortable to me but I'm learning that it's the natural way things just "work" in our relationship.  Whatever makes both of us happy in the end is what counts rather than conforming to social norms.  Anyway, this thread has opened my understanding a lot in this area and I feel like I have much more direction.    

  

[Ruby Slippers]

On 3/9/2020 at 2:26 PM, E-mc2 said:

Whatever makes both of us happy in the end is what counts rather than conforming to social norms.    

Yes. Last night my boyfriend was doing stuff in the kitchen right before bed, after I'd done all the dishes and wiped down the countertops as usual. He has a habit of leaving his crap everywhere after I've cleaned.

I said I hope you're planning to clean all this up when you're done. He played dumb for a minute, and I clarified that he needed to wash his dishes, clear and clean the countertops. "You're the boss," he said with a smirk. 

It was nice to wake up to a clean kitchen for a change!

[SumGuy]

It's what you and the person you are with want.   I tend to prefer a partnership in life (doesn't mean 50/50 in all things, but 50/50 and equals overall) and with those spend time with it is a common organizing principle.

Edited March 11, 2020 by SumGuy

[SumGuy]

On 3/8/2020 at 7:40 PM, E-mc2 said:

There are a few areas that would benefit if one of us has hierarchy and the other yields.  Needless to say this is something that both of us would have to mutually agree on in advance.  

What are the areas?  Would normally suggest communication and compromise if you trust each other.

[Els]

It really depends on what you mean by the terms "dominant" and "submissive".

The most straightforward meaning is the BDSM version where the two people explicitly do a power exchange (usually with very specific terms, "contracts" aren't just a 50 Shades thing, lol). But I'm pretty sure that's not what you mean.

The second most common meaning of the term is the Abrahamic religions and very traditional people where the man is designated "head of the household". Personally I have no earthly idea why anyone would believe that someone's genitals would make them a better leader than people with different genitals, but I won't derail your thread with that.

In most other relationships, it's a complementary balance. Not necessarily always 50/50, but not always one person leading and the other following. Normally each person would take charge of different aspects based on their strengths and preferences.

Btw, there will ALWAYS be areas where you will butt heads. Believe me, this happens even in BDSM 24/7 Total Power Exchange relationships as well as the "head of household" relationships (I've seen both). It's not a matter of preventing the head butting, but rather learning how to work through it constructively instead of destructively.

For H and I, a general "rule" that we both follow is that the person who cares the most about a certain aspect will typically make the decision on it, e.g. I usually pick where we eat and he usually picks what music we put on in the car. For really big matters like, say, where to live, we go through a process of elimination (places where either of us REALLY doesn't want to live gets eliminated), and then we discuss and compromise on the non-eliminated options.

Edited March 11, 2020 by Elswyth

[sothereiwas]

13 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

the Abrahamic religions and very traditional people where the man is designated "head of the household".

Even in those cases, it's not one leads and the other follows, look at Psalms description of the capable wife. 

Quote

A capable wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant, she brings her food from far away. She rises while it is still night and provides food for her household and tasks for her servant-girls. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength, and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. 

Here the psalmist says she manages the household, makes deals for commodities, invests and manages the investment, and so on. Far more than a simple matter of taking and executing simple orders. She is his trusted partner, and more valuable than anything else. The man being the designated head doesn't reduce her in any way. 

Edited March 11, 2020 by sothereiwas