Open relationship after 2.5 years

[laurajanejennyjones]

My fiance and I have gone for an open relationship. He wants to explore sexual things, kink, stuff I'm just not into. For me it's snogs on nights out, that's what I like; the freedom to be able to indulge like that, but that's really it for me. 

 

It's funny because for me it's the emotional connection, that idea that this new person could be your everything (even though in reality my fiance and myself and our daughter have a life that we will always value until the day we die). But for me it's still that notion, that feeling, the feeling I would get as a teen and I needed to be validated. I still want that. I still want to snog a guy on the dancefloor and tell each other we'll call the next day. 

 

He wants to be tied up and whipped etc. etc. It's all sexual for him and none of the emotional stuff, just physical. For me it's more emotional. Well I suppose he may experience emotions with it, but we are in love. 

 

I don't know. I just want to talk about this as this isn't something I could ever speak to anyone I know about. 

 

I have a huge crush on a guy I did a show with (I'm a performer), felt in love with him. This is the feeling I crave and get off on! 

 

So we are different, but the same in that we want that freedom and know it won't affect our relationship (well that's the idea). My love for this guy didn't affect my love for my fiance... well in fact it may have made it stronger. 

[elaine567]

You are not married, but have a child.
Accept you are not sexually compatible and go your separate ways, and try to be the best co parents.
This will not work out otherwise and there will be a lot of heart ache ahead if you continue down this "open" route and try to hang on to the unsustainable.
Let him go and go pursue who you want is my advice.
But I get it, you will do it anyway...

[oldtruck]

eventually you will meet a  man that you dump your husband for.

so better to dump husband now.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, oldtruck said:

eventually you will meet a  man that you dump your husband for.

And then, undoubtedly, she will meet a man who she will dump her new interest for...

Thats the thing with relationships, you can’t maintain that initial high you get when you meet someone new. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a very loving, interesting, sometimes exciting, and wonderful relationship with a long term partner - but it takes work and it won’t be that way everyday.

If you truly seek the high of a new relationship, you are better off to date because long term relationships are unlikely to meet that need.

[laurajanejennyjones]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You are not married, but have a child.
Accept you are not sexually compatible and go your separate ways, and try to be the best co parents.
This will not work out otherwise and there will be a lot of heart ache ahead if you continue down this "open" route and try to hang on to the unsustainable.
Let him go and go pursue who you want is my advice.
But I get it, you will do it anyway...

Hi, thanks, I appreciate your honesty. 

 

In the beginning it was incompatible with his sexual needs, but we have worked through it. I'm happy with this but I do appreciate what you're saying 

[laurajanejennyjones]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And then, undoubtedly, she will meet a man who she will dump her new interest for...

Thats the thing with relationships, you can’t maintain that initial high you get when you meet someone new. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a very loving, interesting, sometimes exciting, and wonderful relationship with a long term partner - but it takes work and it won’t be that way everyday.

If you truly seek the high of a new relationship, you are better off to date because long term relationships are unlikely to meet that need.

But we do meet one another's needs. We are very happy. 

[Kitty Tantrum]

Statistically speaking, this is very likely the beginning of the end of the marriage you haven't even entered yet. It might take months or years for the consequences to fully shake out, but when you start to look outside of your relationship for fulfillment you ought to be getting IN said relationship - well, it might feel fun and exciting and happy INITIALLY, but this is because you're on a dopamine binge. Once your brain adjusts to these new levels, the way you FEEL about the situation will very likely change, and perhaps dramatically.

And once your kid catches wind of what you're doing... well... I was supposed to be "too young to understand or remember" that my parents were screwing other people. I was FULLY AWARE and judged the hell out of them for it. And years later fell into the same pattern of behavior in my first marriage, partly because that was the only thing that was ever modeled for me.

Been there, done that. Odds are 99 to 1 against that it will backfire spectacularly one of these days.

[RecentChange]

5 hours ago, laurajanejennyjones said:

But we do meet one another's needs. We are very happy. 

Well.... Obviously you don't. 

You don't meet his sexual needs, and he doesn't meet your emotional needs.

Do you not worry that daydreaming of a future with someone else, that falling in love with someone else will cause you to fall out of love with your fiance? 

I am not trying to be judgey, my husband and I even considered something "open" once upon a time, and after much deliberation, and observing what it did to other couples - we determined that the risks outweighed the benefits. 

Do you and your fiance talk about what the boundaries and rules are? I know for us, getting emotionally involved with someone else was a hard line in the sand. Feeling affirmed by the attraction of another was one thing - but allowing ourselves to fall for someone else was a big no no. 

Why don't you get those feelings of being in love from the man you plan to marry? Is that not a need of yours? Why can't he meet it?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, laurajanejennyjones said:

But we do meet one another's needs. We are very happy. 

Well then, go forth. 

You don't need anyone's endorsement but his. It's not a choice many would make, but it doesn't appear you're seeking advice on something specific. It's risky. But if it's a risk you're both willing to take, have at it. 

[zig]

Strange post.  Let me point out how it seems you are complaining about what your b/f wants but you admit to wanting the same thing.  So what's the problem?  You say it's all about sex for him but you talk about how you have a crush on some guy you perform with at your job and get off on that.  How is one better than the other?  I sense a bit of hypocrisy.

 

Edited March 7, 2020 by zig

[mark clemson]

It does sound like you're chasing a NRE/validation high while he's going for sub-space. I get it, actually.

You should probably do a LOT of research on ethical polyamory on the web if you haven't done so already. There is a book "The Ethical Slut" you could try as well as a site called xeromag which is more BDSM (and sundry) stuff, but it links to the same guy's polyamory resources. I am not supposed to link to it as he sells a few books he's written, but I honestly am not recommending them particularly, I would visit it more for the free resources there.  Or just do your own research.

There is no guarantee you will end up separating over this, but as pointed out the odds are not good. Presumably, the better prepared you are, with clear-cut rules, etc, the better your chances, but really there's no telling. For many, many people, emotional connection tends to either precede or follow sex, and emotional connections can be hard to shake. When your LTR hits a rough patch and you have other options readily available or someone you really like, well...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Laura, if both of you have needs that are not being met in your relationship and you need to look outside it to fulfill those then, since you are not married, would it not be better to separate and pursue those needs as single people and have an amicable relationship with each other while co parenting your child in a harmonious and congenial atmosphere? You could get together whenever you felt the need and fulfill your mutual needs with each other without the bonds of a permanent relationship and it's attending responsibilities. All in all, you will have the best of both worlds and should either of you find that you have fallen in love with someone else with whom you are ready to form a closed and exclusive relationship, you will be free to indulge yourself without any hitches. Think about it. Best wishes.

[DKT3]

Your relationship isnt on a solid foundation and I dont think you really understand the danger here. You two are clearly not meeting each others needs. People in open relationships are not usually looking for love and emotional connections.  As mentioned above,  you will eventually meet someone that will create problems and likely end your relationship. Why are we saying this? Because that's what you are looking for but you're not really seeing it.

[SCFenway]

Contrary to what a lot of the folks here will tell you Open Relationships can work if you are all clear and satisfied about the ground rules and you adhere to them. My advice would be to find a kink/sex positive therapist. It may very well be that the best thing for you to do is part, but all relationships end at one point or an other. Just because it ends doesn't make it,you, or him a failure.

[dangerous]

Hi. I can give an insight here as I am a man, was married for 25 years and always had an interest in BDSM, which my wife did not share.

Now that I am single, for the past 5 years post marriage, I had that big question of do I seek to live my sexual fantasy life for real ie. find a partner who is into BDSM, or try to 'get over it' (yeh right! I've been into it since 14, for 40 years!). Well I had a 'vanilla' relationship with 'normal sex and it was great. but it ended. I had a 2 year GF who liked some BDSM but not as intense as I would like. And I've dated women who I was open about my sexual preferences and they said that I should not compromise on my sexual identity. I am unusually strong in the I can "compartmentalise" my life: eg I can have multiple relationships where I have different people for different needs eg. one GF for dating eg restaurants, bars, shared social interests, another for rock gigs, stuff that the first GF doesn't enjoy. Lots of friends with different interests. As for the kinky stuff: I can go see an escort/ dominatrix or see a GF who is more causal and enjoys the kinky stuff.

So I see 3 choices:

1. be in a monogamous relationship and forego the kinks.

2. Find that rare partner who is sexually compatible (shared kinks)

3. Be poly-amorous/ compartmental. 

I've been blessed to have tried all three, but the jury is still in session lol

[IndigoNight]

I completely understand wanting the freedom to have some fun. I also know how screwed up couples can get because of open relationships. Most end badly. I wish you luck 

Personally, I like fun, but I'd never put my marriage on the line to have it. My husband and I just make compromises so our needs are met. I may not really like something sexually, but I'll do it for him enough to keep him happy. He does the same for me. It's worked well for us for the last 21+ years. 

You're about to seriously test your relationship. I hope things work out for you. I also hope you are doing the research, and learning what having an open relationship entails.