Charl Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 Me and my husband have been together 4 years, married for just over a year. Our relationship has never been perfect, he accuses me of lieing and cheating all the time when I have never done neither of these things. We work and live together and he gets jealous quite easier. We don't have a sex life anymore, he tells me I'm not affection towards him when I'm always the one intitated things. If I wants something I have to make the first move. We haven't had sex in months. We have rows near enough every day and everytime he we have a row ge mentions divorce and calls me all the names under the sun. He has told me he don't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me anymore. He had told me to get out of his life. I still love him and want to make this work but he said he hasn't wanted this relationship for the past 3 years so it feels like I've been dragged along with false promise and hope we were ok. What should I do as I am scared and have noone else to turn to Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 Unless he wants to work with you to fix the problem there isn't much you can do. I'd start saving & getting your ducks in order. You may also want to seek another job so you don't have to see him at work while getting a divorce. You say you have no one to turn to. Where are your parents? extended family? friends? There has to be somebody. If there really isn't, get a therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 6, 2020 Author Share Posted March 6, 2020 That's the problem he don't want to try and work with me because everytome I try and talk to him he tells me to go away and leave him alone. I dont have any friends and my family and I are not close at all. I don't have contact with them so I think a therapist is the way forward as I'm struggling at the minute with no one to talk to Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 Sorry you are going through this but it doesn't sound like there is much to work towards saving...Its actually fortunate that there are no kids involved....As you are seeing, it takes two to be on the same page to work through problems...It seems like he's checked out and in most cases, there is no going back once that happens.. Is there a Church or other religious institution that can provide you with support during this time? I wish the best for you... try to hang in there.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 6, 2020 Author Share Posted March 6, 2020 It looks like the whole relationship has been a lie and he has been stringing me along, telling me he wanted to end it 3 years ago but kept trying, I thought he was happy, i was doing everything for him and now he says he only married me to see if our relationship will survive something I've only find out. I'm just do heartbroken with no one and no where to go Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 17 minutes ago, Charl said: It looks like the whole relationship has been a lie and he has been stringing me along, telling me he wanted to end it 3 years ago but kept trying, I thought he was happy, i was doing everything for him and now he says he only married me to see if our relationship will survive something I've only find out. I'm just do heartbroken with no one and no where to go That's what it sounds like to me. However, you are not a victim. You've more or less been complicit in it all. It's time to get a grip and start working toward becoming more independent and self-reliant. Open a credit card in your name only and put it away (hide it and don't use it). And, don't tell him about it. Get yourself a job (if you don't already have one) and start putting some money aside for a deposit on a place and other things you might need when you're ready to move out. Do you have a car in your name only? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 It sounds like he really has fallen out of love. If you can get him to counseling, that might help. But it does not look good, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 6, 2020 Author Share Posted March 6, 2020 I already have a job, I work full time and yes I have a car in my name only as I need it to commute to work and back everyday. I think now my only choice would be to save up and move it, the thought of really scared me but I know I need to do it. I think he fell out of love with me 3 years ago and stringing me along since. Its only now he has said that he don't love me and doesnt want to be with me and said he has felt like this for the past 3 years 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 1 hour ago, Charl said: He accuses me of lieing and cheating all the time when I have never done neither of these things. Very common behaviour in people who are cheating. 1 hour ago, Charl said: We don't have a sex life anymore, Again he could be cheating. 1 hour ago, Charl said: We have rows near enough every day and everytime he we have a row ge mentions divorce and calls me all the names under the sun. He may be having an affair. Betrayed wives often report their husband is picking fights or is nasty or rude during an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 Life is ultimately a very lonely journey... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 21 minutes ago, Charl said: I already have a job, I work full time and yes I have a car in my name only as I need it to commute to work and back everyday. I think now my only choice would be to save up and move it, the thought of really scared me but I know I need to do it. I think he fell out of love with me 3 years ago and stringing me along since. Its only now he has said that he don't love me and doesnt want to be with me and said he has felt like this for the past 3 years Yep. It's time to start being proactive on your own behalf. Don't wallow in it all. Get focused and set your sights on building a future for yourself. There isn't anything to be scared of. You are a strong woman and will find more strength as you start this new journey. You will likely surprise yourself. Start today! 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 27 minutes ago, Springsummer said: Life is ultimately a very lonely journey... I don't necessarily agree with this. Life is what you make of it. We all have CHOICES sometimes obstacles come on but we have the power to choose our path. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 You said you work together. Let me tell you that is not for everyone. I've seen it tried numerous times and it's rare that is actually works for the couple. Very hard on the personal life is usually the end result. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 You say you aren't close to your family. Maybe this is the reason to reconnect with them. Reach out & try talking to them. If they aren't receptive, at least you tried. If they can help, viola you have a support system. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 The question you should be asking yourself is, why do you want to stay with a man who treats you so badly and says he doesn’t want to be with you? I’m very sorry this has happened to you. But unfortunately, I don’t think you have any choice but to look for a new job and plan for a life without this man. Do you have counselling services available through work? A good friend who can support you as you make some tough decisions. Because, you are going to need support to deal with the end of your marriage and finding a different life for yourself. Hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 How old are you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 6, 2020 Author Share Posted March 6, 2020 I don't know myself why I want to stay with him when he treats me so badly other then I love him but I know i need to muster some strength up to leave him and move on. I'm 30 by the way. I need all the strength I can as I know its going to be hard 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 2 hours ago, Charl said: I don't know myself why I want to stay with him when he treats me so badly other then I love him but I know i need to muster some strength up to leave him and move on. I'm 30 by the way. I need all the strength I can as I know its going to be hard One theory might be that he has rather severe insecure attachment. IF that's right, he could use some counseling as he's likely to always be suspicious, jealous, etc with his partners. You may have a milder version of it too. It's perfectly natural to be upset and somewhat needy when a partner "changes plans" on you. If you have mild insecure attachment it tends to intensify your neediness. I could be wrong about any of that - it's hard to say from an internet post. Elaine's theory about it being a smokescreen for infidelity is plausible based on what we sometimes see on these boards. However, in the absence of some more solid evidence it's really not possible to know IMO. I don't have specific advice for you, but will note that I don't really disagree with most of the advice you've been given so far. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Your husband has lost the plot on what it means to be a grown up and married, for whatever reasons, and maybe he was not so mature in the first place. There's not much you can say in the face of such unpleasant unreasonable behaviour, so take a step back and stop trying to talk to him for now. A counsellor/therapist/support group would help you deal with your feelings and get in touch with your authentic self and move on, with or without him. Sorry you are going through this, divorce is difficult at the best of times, without someone making things worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Ellener said: Your husband has lost the plot on what it means to be a grown up and married, for whatever reasons, and maybe he was not so mature in the first place. T Sooo….with only one side of this very short story, we have all determined that this guy is a cheater, liar, an abuser, immature, etc…..is there anything else?? Point is we don't know what's going on inside his head and we don't know all the backstory....Too much speculation based on a very small amount of info that can easily be biased... People make the wrong decisions on a marriage partner or LTR all the time...In fact some live for decades in misery because of it, maybe kids involved, whatever....No one in this life needs to be trapped in something that they made a wrong decision on, or maybe the other person became who they really are and not who you met....It happens very frequently...And no....its NOT immature to want out of something that isn't right....He may be handling it wrong or harshly, but to think that people need to "grow up" and accept being in an unhappy and miserable life for the sake of a piece of paper is just dumb... Of course its going to be tough for anyone on the receiving end, especially if they have feelings for the person, and we all can sympathize, but that still doesn't negate the fact that for whatever reason, this guy is agitated, unhappy, and no longer in love with the OP....Like I said previously....thankfully there are no kids involved...And while she doesn't realize it now, he is actually doing her a big favor by not stringing this out...4 years(only one married) is a relatively short amount of time in one's life... The OP has been given a very clear picture, as unpleasant as it seems....To go into the machinations of why or what happened isn't really that important now...What's important is that she start the process of acceptance and starts to put the pieces of her life together without him... TF Y Edited March 7, 2020 by thefooloftheyear 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 27 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said: Sooo….with only one side of this very short story, we have all determined that this guy is a cheater, liar, an abuser, immature, etc…..is there anything else?? Point is we don't know what's going on inside his head and we don't know all the backstory....Too much speculation based on a very small amount of info that can easily be biased... Good point, TFY. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 (edited) I can agree that no one should live in a loveless marriage and sure we only have one side and perception. However, I know and have no reason whatsoever to give false information. My exH whom I bore two children with, bought a house, property, multiple vehicles with. I spent nearly twenty years faithful to, did exactly what she described to me for five long years. I should have left but damn it, I'd worked to hard to get that home and my kids felt safe and secure. .....and yes I was scared as hell of going it alone with two children in tow. Charl, it could be all combined that he's behaving this way, because he can, and he has for years, bad communication skills, whatever. My exH is a drinker and would get worse when he drank, and he also wanted me to leave and take my kids but I wouldn't so eventually he left .His leaving was the best gift he ever gave me. I mourned the marriage sure. My advice would be if you don't own anything together, muster up all your strength and courage, forgive yourself for wasting time on this man and just leave.He isn't the one . Then I'd say please take your time and get to know who you are and what you are capable of on your own.Then eventually you'll be prepared to pick a man worthy of being in a healthy relationship. If along the way you see signs your pickers off, don't allow the wrong person to be in your life. My daughters your age and I recently went through this with her and the hardest part was admitting to herself she let the wrong person in.She told him to go and she mourned and now her self esteem is healing. This board is full of stories that have two sides, including mine and that's really all I can give you.Regardless of how it all went down. I can say the hardest thing is admitting you made a poor choice in who you gave your love to.Someone mentioned at least there are no children and honey, that is your bright side and no investments other than your heart, which is a huge investment and your time. This is your time to find out what you are capable of in life. Don't waste any more time on this person who doesn't love and respect you properly. Make a plan and work towards getting out. It's tax time, the best time in the world to get out. Good luck. Edited March 7, 2020 by skywriter spelling 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 55 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said: Point is we don't know what's going on inside his head and we don't know all the backstory.... We know instead of saying calmly and clearly 'I'm sorry, this isn't working for me' he has unleashed a tirade of abuse and criticism on the OP. That's all the back-story I need to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ellener said: We know instead of saying calmly and clearly 'I'm sorry, this isn't working for me' he has unleashed a tirade of abuse and criticism on the OP. That's all the back-story I need to know. Quote from OP.. "he accuses me of lieing and cheating all the time when I have never done neither of these things. We work and live together and he gets jealous quite easier. We don't have a sex life anymore, he tells me I'm not affection towards him when I'm always the one intitated things. If I wants something I have to make the first move. We haven't had sex in months. We have rows near enough every day and everytime he we have a row ge mentions divorce and calls me all the names under the sun. He has told me he don't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me anymore." This is the "unleashing a tirade of abuse and criticism"...???..what??...sheesh....hardly..... He's obviously unhappy, miserable and wants out....And we have ZERO idea what the real reasons are, because we don't have his side. of it,,,...Maybe she flirts with guys at work,,,,,maybe even he caught her in something, and she's not saying......We can accuse him of all these horrible things, because that's what she said, but we cant assume the same of her?? Nuts.. People, IME, rarely are just plain mean to others for no apparent reason....The other person may not see it, or may not want to hear it, but FAR too often when you scratch the surface you start to see what the real situation is, and more than often there is a reason....but we aren't being told.... And let me say that women< IME, are quite adept at not seeing their own faults in relationship failures....They play the victim card too often and because of the "sisterhood"(even see it in anonymous forums like these) ,there tends to be enough other women to back them up...Like when guys enter affairs its because they are heartless pigs, but when women do it, its because they were lonely and were seeking the attention and caring they didnt get from their husband....Seen it and heard it a million times.. TFY Edited March 7, 2020 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 (edited) On 3/6/2020 at 2:53 PM, Charl said: I think he fell out of love with me 3 years ago You've said that a few times so this seems significant for you. What happened in your marriage 3 years ago that would make him want to step back? This may help put things in context. Edited March 7, 2020 by littleblackheart 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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