Husband doesn't want to be with me anymore

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

We know instead of saying calmly and clearly 'I'm sorry, this isn't working for me' he has unleashed a tirade of abuse and criticism on the OP. That's all the back-story I need to know.

I agree completely. This behavior and the fact that he has said in as many words that he wants out of the marriage is more than enough for me to file for divorce.

[elaine567]

I know it is somewhat unlikely but make sure in the meantime you don't get pregnant, as that would be a complete disaster.

[carhill]

On 3/6/2020 at 6:54 AM, elaine567 said:

Very common behaviour  in people who are cheating.

Again he could be cheating.

He may be having an affair. Betrayed wives often report their husband is picking fights or is nasty or rude during an affair.

Yes, souring the milk is one potential path, lining up a replacement while souring things in the marriage until the spouse snaps, then blame them and move on guilt-free. No idea here but it does happen in marriages.

On 3/6/2020 at 7:05 AM, Springsummer said:

Life is ultimately a very lonely journey...

Yep, it can be, and can seem daunting when one's love bank has been drained which is apparently what we're hearing from OP. She gives and gives and it all evaporates, no deposits to her love bank from an apparently disinterested spouse.

20 hours ago, Charl said:

I don't know myself why I want to stay with him when he treats me so badly other then I love him but I know i need to muster some strength up to leave him and move on. I'm 30 by the way. I need all the strength I can as I know its going to be hard 

Counseling might help you clarify your point of view and solidify your reasons as valid and healthy. It can also help you communicate how you feel clearly and unambiguously and additionally hear and accept any response as real and valid. If that means divorce, OK, that's a decision. It takes two people invested in the partnership to have a healthy marriage. If this isn't the one, billions of others on the planet. Give it your best shot and accept the results. Best wishes! 👍

[S2B]

Don’t ever stay if someone is treating you terribly.

if needed, get some therapy to help determine what your healthy boundary looks like.

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Don’t ever stay if someone is treating you terribly.

if needed, get some therapy to help determine what your healthy boundary looks like.

There shouldn't be a boundary when someone is being mistreated.  

[pepperbird]

On 3/6/2020 at 10:43 AM, Redhead14 said:

That's what it sounds like to me.  However, you are not a victim.  You've more or less been complicit in it all.  It's time to get a grip and start working toward becoming more independent and self-reliant.  Open a credit card in your name only and put it away (hide it and don't use it).  And, don't tell him about it.  Get yourself a job (if you don't already have one) and start putting some money aside for a deposit on a place and other things you might need when you're ready to move out.  Do you have a car in your name only? 

op,

I'm not saying you're being abused, but the same procedures for an abused woman/man to get out of a relationship might work for you too.
start building a network of friends, put money aside if you can, etc.

Oh, and if he EVER puts his hands on you in anger-get out! Don't wait.Go.

[S2B]

23 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

There shouldn't be a boundary when someone is being mistreated.  

What? NO boundary means a person allows others to mistreat them all the time.

a healthy boundary is there to keep any person happy, healthy and safe!

[Timshel]

4 hours ago, carhill said:

Yes, souring the milk is one potential path, lining up a replacement while souring things in the marriage until the spouse snaps, then blame them and move on guilt-free. No idea here but it does happen in marriages.

 

Yep, it's not fake, it's forealzibobs.  If a person is picking fights and souring things, they want out.  No second guessing.  They may at some point in the future, but not when they are doing it...they do mean business and the bs should take this 100% seriously and walk.

[Ellener]

 

10 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

 "he accuses me of lieing and cheating all the time when I have never done neither of these things. We work and live together and he gets jealous quite easier. We don't have a sex life anymore, he tells me I'm not affection towards him when I'm always the one intitated things. If I wants something I have to make the first move. We haven't had sex in months. We have rows near enough every day and everytime he we have a row ge mentions divorce and calls me all the names under the sun. He has told me he don't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me anymore."

This is the "unleashing a tirade of abuse and criticism"...???..what??...sheesh....hardly.....

Yes, that's it.

You don't consider any of this abusive that's up to you; I do.

[Charl]

I have for once find the strength to let him know I dont want to be with him anymore, he has tried to wiggle his way back in but when I refused I get called all names under the sun. But he still trying and doesnt want me to leave but once I have enough money I be gone as I dont want this anymore. I didn't think i could do this but i have to, it's going to be hard but I have to go and start a new life without him 

[littleblackheart]

Do you have family or friends you could stay with, at least for a short while, to find your bearings?

 

What you're describing sounds very dysfunctional. Not sure it's a good idea to stay under the same roof as him until you get your finances together.

Edited March 8, 2020 by littleblackheart

[Charl]

Unfortunately not, I lost all my friends and my family and I are not close, haven't spoke to them in years, i am struggling to stay under the same roof as I feel like I'm treading on eggshells. I'm trying to be civil towards him living here but it's not easy as every now and then he will make some kind of horrible remarks. I will have mo choice but to stay here until I have enough to go. We are sleeping in separate rooms until I can get out 

[d0nnivain]

You need to leave sooner rather than later.  

Get some therapy as part of your new path.  I am troubled by the fact that you are estranged from your family, claim to have no friends & now your marriage is on the rocks.  As the common denominator you need to look in the mirror & figure out if you have relationship issues  if you hope to change your life.  

Edited March 8, 2020 by d0nnivain

[thefooloftheyear]

yep^^

OP....No family and No friends....??…..How did you "lose" all your friends and family??….Most families/friends  don't "lose" each other....

Still say there is some part of this story we aren't being told....

TFY

[elaine567]

Men who abuse will isolate a woman away from family and friends it is classic stuff.
They often choose women with few friends and little family support to begin with.
When a guy is "difficult", then many woman will not want their friends and family to see that, so they hide away and lose touch with friends/family. 
Or he can drip feed poison to split up the family or to alienate the friends.
"You think your sister likes you  but I know she hates you, why can't you see that?"
He may ban her from seeing them or make such a fuss that it becomes not worth the hassle.
Or he can transport her far away from anyone who could help her.
He wants her friendless and alone....that suits him just fine

Abusive guys often start the abuse when they know the woman has no option but to stay...
Marriage can often signify the start of the abuse. In some cases it starts the very first night of the honeymoon.

[littleblackheart]

 

2 hours ago, Charl said:

I will have mo choice but to stay here until I have enough to go

It's unhealthy.

 

He told you he wanted a divorce and doesn't want to be with you anymore, yet is trying to sweet talk you into staying and is being rude to you at the same time, and you still want to stay until you get your finances sorted? 

 

If you work full time and have your own car, you have options. At least book a few nights in a hotel near work for a breather. Or try a women shelter.

 

 

Edited March 8, 2020 by littleblackheart

[Charl]

I had friends to start with and slowly over time he said all sorts about them making out they were no good for me. As for my family my mum kicked me out when I was 15, she chose her new boyfriend over her kids, this is for people who want to know why I have no friends or very little family support. I spoke to me sister today about all the problems im having, she was shocked but has said I'm welcome to stay with her. I'm now in the middle of looking for somewhere to go closer to work as my sister lives over an hr away so need to sort something asap 

[d0nnivain]

Get away from this guy sooner rather than later.  If he turned you away from your friends then he was trying to isolate you.  That's bad!  

I'm so glad that you talked to your sister & she's being supportive.   

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, Charl said:

I had friends to start with and slowly over time he said all sorts about them making out they were no good for me.

This is exactly what guys like this do.

[preraph]

I hate to be contrary, but I say save up money first and get your new place and then sort it all out in therapy if needed after you're squared away.  If you need some support, do you now know any neighbors or anyone who's kind?  Maybe if you go to church, you can talk to a counselor there or priest or whatever.  Just save up money for your own place.  You do not want to work with him anymore, though!  So for now, save up money.  Rent a room from some nice old lady or find a tiny place to live that is inexpensive and try to be on your own.  Once you have made it on your own, you will have much more confidence should you ever find yourself in need again.  

[preraph]

Your husband is abusive.  One of the first things an abuser does is try to isolate you from your support system of friends and family.  Glad you have your sister just in case.  What type place do you both work in?  Is it possible to avoid him there?  

[Charl]

He is my boss at work so very hard to advoid him. So not sure how that's going to work out. 

I just need to find somewhere else to stay asap which is what my next step is going to be 

[preraph]

I think you really need to look for other work now while you're still employed there because that is not going to work.  It's easier to find a job while employed, plus you can tell the person interviewing you that you are still there and that they shouldn't ask them for a referral for that reason.  You might also let them know why you'd be leaving.  Is it by any chance a large company where you can request a different department away from him?

[Charl]

I've just signed a new 2 year contract with the company, not a very big place at all. And very few jobs come up elsewhere within the work place. I'm back at work tomorrow so will have to see what my options are 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Charl said:

He is my boss at work so very hard to advoid him. So not sure how that's going to work out. 

We’re you married before he became your boss? 

Is it possible that you can go to HR to ask for assistance? I have to say, I would most definitely be looking for another job. Gosh, I’d rather be delivering pizzas and sleeping on my sister’s sofa if needed... This sounds untenable.