Author Charl Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 No he was my boss before I married him, we met through work, my sister said I could stay with her but she lives over an hr away from my place of work and she has kids, I feel like I be getting under her feet even tho she said I could stay. Can't really afford a day off as I need to save as much as I can to get my own place and get out. I have been staying out of his way, no communication nothing and he hadn't said two words to me. I am struggling and I am finding it hard but I know things get better in time, at the moment my heart is breaking. But I need to find some strength and get on with things. Easier said than done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) Leaving someone is hard at the best of times, so it's normal to feel overwhelmed atm. Your sister's offer is a good one; an hour commute each way + family support and distraction is better than dealing with this on your own or staying in what seems to be a dysfunctional situation, until you get yourself together. Edited March 9, 2020 by littleblackheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 Did your workplace not have a problem that he engaged with a subordinate and married her? You were allowed to continue to work together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 My sisters offer is tempting and is something I am thinking about as like you said a distraction which is what I need right now. I feel so overwhelmed with everything and my head is scrambled. My workplace is a strange one, thet actually don't care what you get up to aa long as you remain professional and do your job. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 It's best to be surrounded at times like these; it sounds as though you need time out to reassess and clear your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 I don't see how you can possibly stay at that employment if he is your boss. That is just not going to go well. If as you say the company doesn't care what you do as long as your professional, and I would hope they would also be professional and see if they could help you around this problem of working under him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 53 minutes ago, preraph said: I would hope they would also be professional and see if they could help you around this problem of working under him. Indeed, because what he has done is very unprofessional. Sure, some workplaces may not have a problem with two people being in a relationship or married, but it’s doubtful that any would allow one spouse to be in a position of authority over the other spouse. That creates a number of professional and legal issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 If you live in the US any half way decent lawyer can get you out of that contract. First step, get your resume together. Second step, start looking for new work. Third step find a lawyer. Fourth get ready to move out. Live with your sis for 60 days while you sort out your new reality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 I live in the uk, I have been searching for somewhere else to live but most places seem to want a guarantor, is there anyway I can work around this as I unfortunately don't have one? I think looking for something asap is on the cards as I feel like I'm treading on eggshells still living with him. I feel like a stranger living in someone else home if that makes sense. He hasn't communicated with me or try and talk to me so I'm staying out the way by sleeping and keeping myself away in the spare room until I can get out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 If you yourself are employed then why would you need a guarantor to rent a place? Do you have bad credit? don't give up looking because I can't imagine that everyone is going to require that. I'm not in the UK. And the US if someone has the down payment and everything you pretty much have to rent it to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 I'm not going to give up but some places do require a guarantor incase anything goes wrong like you lose your job etc so there's someone else to pay the rent, not all places require it, it's just finding that one who don't Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 That sounds more right. Just ask them to take a deposit instead. That's how it is here, you pay first and last month's rent, basically, and that way they're more or less covered. Do you not have a credit card of your own? That should be the guarantor, I would think. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 It'll be tricky without a guarantor, tbh. One (risky) way to circumvent that is to pay for a few months' rent in advance. You can also try finding a shared property, depending on where you live, or maybe someone looking for a lodger. Ultimately, you need to do what's right for you in your circumstances, but whatever you do, a plan of action and starting to (re) build a support system around you should help. Since you've opened the lines of communication with your sister, use this family support as best you can - can she act as a garantor for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 I don't have a credit card of my own. I'm trying to save as much as I can but everything is so expensive so I think shared accommodation is the only way forward but will need to find someone who will take me on without a guarantor. I can ask my sister but I hate asking for help. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 You need to get a credit card to build some credit. Use it, pay things off quickly - it will be reflected in your credit. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Charl said: I can ask my sister but I hate asking for help. I thought as much (very commendable, btw). Yes, it sucks to have to ask for help but it's no weakness. Think of it as putting some safeguards. No point in getting into hardship out of pride. Until a time you can get a job that would allow not to need a guarantor, you need to look at all avenues if you want to leave straight away. I think some local councils offer rent schemes for people who don't have guarantors - if you really don't want to ask your sister, it might be worth investigating? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 2 hours ago, Charl said: I don't have a credit card of my own. You need to build a credit history. Get a card. Charge something small each month & pay the balance in full. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 Here's a link for UK roommate finder: https://www.spareroom.co.uk/roommates Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 Thank you for the link I shall have a look, I'm trying everything I can to sort myself out and get out and find somewhere asap. I still can't believe this has happened and my head is all over the place but I have to carry on Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 16 hours ago, Charl said: Thank you for the link I shall have a look, I'm trying everything I can to sort myself out and get out and find somewhere asap. I still can't believe this has happened and my head is all over the place but I have to carry on @Charl I haven't lived in the UK for a few years but there used to be charities where women at risk of abuse could go for support and practical advice and assistance, I just googled and there's a NHS page about it, I'll put the link up next but it has to be approved by a moderator so may not show for a few hours. However they say *it can happen to anyone *includes emotional abuse *'You do not have to wait for an emergency situation to find help. If domestic abuse is happening to you, it's important to tell someone and remember you're not alone.' They also recommend a Womens' Aid free book 'The Survivor's Handguide'. It's all in the link I'll post next. Hang in there, I know it's difficult and you feel isolated and overwhelmed. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ is the NHS page. For anyone who does not believe it's bad enough to be called abuse yet this is what the advice says: Emotional abuse Does your partner ever: belittle you, or put you down? blame you for the abuse or arguments? deny that abuse is happening, or downplay it? isolate you from your family and friends? stop you going to college or work? make unreasonable demands for your attention? accuse you of flirting or having affairs? tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think? control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things? monitor your social media profiles, share photos or videos of you without your consent or use GPS locators to know where you are? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charl Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 Just to give everyone an update, my ex husband came home from work, calling me all names under the sun. He threw my phone and said if he can't have me no one can. He pinned me down and threatened to hit me. He then proceed to start smashing things up. I had to flee with just the clothes on my back, he said he will destroy my life, he's made me homeless with nowhere to go and now he is saying I'm not going to have a job or a car or a life by the time he is done. My head and heart is in bits. I can't stop crying. I don't want to be here anymore Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Take your sister's offer. You need to be surrounded right now; don't isolate yourself. Now is not the time to worry about imposing on her. And give calling the police some thought. There's only so much a board like this can do - this is way above the remit of LS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Yes call the police, leaving is always the dangerous time. Take no risks. Go stay with your sister. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 I’m so sorry, that must have been terrifying. Most definitely, go to your sister. File a police report and talk to HR. You need support right now. Don’t be a hero. hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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