Off and on again

[Chrisie]

Hello. I am new here. I've been doing okay except that I need advice. Or even a discussion about when you make the decision to investigate your guys phone.

I've read all the discussion about it's not cool and you will hurt your own feelings and your partners feelings. Then I read that if you make the decision to sneak in his phone that you must have issues about yourself and so forth.

I met my guy 8yrs ago. But we were aquaintes through a guy I dated for 3yrs. Once that relationship ended he finally asked me if I wanted to start talking to him. I said why not. He's a good guy and I'm a good girl. Let's test the waters. It's along distant relationship at this point and I make time to talk to him and he does too. Until he didn't answer my calls or texts.

But when he explained why I believed him because I trust him. I make an effort to drive 8 hours away and visit him for a week. Sadly the drive home I thought wow this is too good to be true and I got the gut feeling that it was going to be the last time I get to see him. I was really devistated. Not really sure why I did but none the less I continued to be a good girl friend.

The calls got shorter and the text wasn't any longer a paragraph but a simple hey and I miss you was all that sufficed. Our communication was put to a rather halt when he didn't have a phone for a while and I could only talk to him when he was around WiFi. It got to be awkward when we got the chance to talk because I could tell he was pulling away he got angry and would say things like I can't talk to you because people will hear us. I said okay call me back...

I finally had to end it. Just swallowed my dear of never giving a real chance to a good guy. He would tell me that he wanted to be with me and what it would be like when we do have a life together. To this day I always wondered if I made the right choice.

After I broke up with him I fell into a depression. And I just couldn't understand how it didn't work. We were together for about 8 months. We even exchanged I love you's.. then and after 2yrs I moved closer pretty much to my mom's house and it was fairly close to him at least I thought it was. So I unblocked him from Facebook and we hit it off...

Long story short we wanted to see each other again. I was so happy. I could talk to him about anything he wanted to or if it was a way to maybe see if we could work on things again. We chose to and about a month later I went to the doctor and was told that I got tric with some meds I was on my way. I was shocked. Like really just dirty. So many thoughts on my mind. I hadn't been with anyone since 2yrs ago and I get an STD. Uggghh now I have my stomach in knots I have to tell him.

I told him that I can't be with him if I'm not the only one he's messing around with. He was honest with me and told me he couldn't be with me right now because he take care of me. And I felt so heart broken. I moved on and found a different guy but he was worse. Alot happened sorry for rambling.

Three years later and I landed in jail for 46 days. Missed a traffic court date. Ikr... And I just couldn't stop thinking about my life and what I did wrong and who really was my friend and everything like that... This girl came in one day and we were talking about people we may know and we were saying people's names and she said his name.. and I asked about description of him and she said yes to every question. And it was him. I felt relieved that someone was there in the room with me and God was talking to me about him. I unblocked him again on FB and he answered. OMG he answered.. um um is all I could say for a week.... : )

Anyway we have been together since the first of the year we broke in the new year together. Yeaaaa... We talked and he came to see me this time. When he'd get off work he'd take me to work and he loves being around my kids. I just can't make any understanding of a few things that has happened while we are trying this time.

He has left in the middle of the night and came back at 6am. He was smelling like he had just gotten done having sex. That's the first red flag. He takes a shower and then hops in bed. Asleep.. dead from being up all night... I just put it off and thought he was at a friend's house a few miles away in the next town. I then had my sister to come stay with me for a bit around a week and he was angry and withdrawn and even left my house but took a shower first then left. And didn't say where he was going and when he got back at 12am he said he went to the next town over. But never texts me or calls me.

I start wondering why all this is happening. I think damn is it something my sister said or did he didn't like.. and he didn't tell me anything. I felt like he couldn't trust me even a little bit to talk to me. Like I didn't do anything to make him mad he just got up and left.

Okay so more things happen like I quit my job and he quit his because the commute is very far and I was looking for another job so he was okay with staying home with my kids and watch them. He puts his phone on vibrate and doesn't answer his phone when someone calls him. I start getting really mad and I choose to ignore his phone and him to see if he can tell I'm sorta starting to think he doesn't want to answer it because it's an ex or a girl that just won't get the picture. He noticed me noticing. And we jus sit in silence.

I asked him if there's anything I need to worry about and he said no. I fell for the bait because I want to believe him and I want to trust him. I want to know that I didn't make the same mistake for the third time right...

I know this is long but I haven't talked to anyone about it and I am shaking and crying right now. It's just one letter typed for every tear... You guys I wanted to tell him I love him the minute I saw him and I held it back because I didn't want to get hurt again. But now I'm glad I didn't.

I wanted to know who was talking to him and if his stories added up and why I was being put off. And if I was doing the right thing. And to see if he felt the same. Y'all I snooped.. his phone has alot in there OMG I don't know why I'm still typing I just need to stop thinking the next one is going to be better. Cause it's not for me. Pics and a video of him and another girl having sex he was wearing the leather bracelet I gave him to remind him of me. And she was touching all over his arm and wrist and that bracelet.

How can I what can I where does it stop hurting so much. I'm 32 he's 41 he doesn't have tattoos or act irresponsible or anything like that. He portrays himself with integrity and honesty. Now I see this... My heart is broke. My voice is gone and I can't keep this nightmare up. Anybody please help me with anything any suggestions and opinions

Edited March 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[kendahke]

I'm really sorry you're going through this pain of discovery. It is devastating when you find out you've been treated this way.

I would say the lesson here for you is to trust your first mind.  The minute things start to not add up, slam on the brakes. Doesn't matter if he complains, gets angry--he can be mad til times get better--but if he's lying to you, deceiving you, giving you trichomonas, coming in smelling like sex, taking a shower before he gets into bed or before he leaves the house for 6 hours, he doesn't deserve devotion. He deserves your wrath.

You have children you need to protect from someone who thinks it's ok to treat their mom like this. It's not OK.

You deserve to be treated better than this--but you have to be the one who understands and realizes that first.  He's going to keep treating you like this for as long as you allow him to.  You have to be good with being by yourself until a better type of man comes into your life--for the sake of your children.

I'd suggest that  instead of you expending all this energy on someone who doesn't deserve the time of day, that you put in the effort into getting your life back on track and moving in a positive direction.  Handle your legal issues and get those resolved once and for all.  Focus on getting into a better paying job so that you don't have to worry about needing a dead beat like this guy hanging around bringing you down.

You are meant to soar, not crash spectacularly.  Do better for yourself and things will go better. It won't be easy, but it will be well worth the effort--and your children will learn resilience by your example.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, Chrisie said:

He portrays himself with integrity and honesty. 

He does? I see virtually nothing in this post to support that claim. 

Get away from him. He doesn't treat you right and he never really has. He's always had someone else in the background, hence why he was afraid people would "hear you talking" to each other the first time you dated and he "didn't have a phone." He was hiding you from someone. 

You have to wake up, Chrisie. This guy has never been a good partner and you have probably never been the only woman in his life. This isn't your Happily Ever After guy. It's time to move on. 

[smackie9]

You ignored the red flags...it had been there all along that this guy had no integrity, but you kept going right back thinking it would be better. Instead it kept getting worse. Desire is a powerful thing, it makes us choose poorly. This is what life is all about...we make mistakes and learn from them....it gives us knowledge and the power/courage to do what's best for us. A good guideline is to be with those who treat us they way we want to be treated. This guy had been messing you around since day one...this is your kick in the pants.....don't let your desires stop you from kicking them to the curb. Believe what their actions tell you not what comes out of their mouth. Talk is cheap and easy to do.

Edited March 8, 2020 by smackie9

[JTSW]

On 3/7/2020 at 9:41 AM, Chrisie said:

I can't talk to you because people will hear us.

Because he was with another woman.

On 3/7/2020 at 9:41 AM, Chrisie said:

a month later I went to the doctor and was told that I got tric

You got it from him. It's been dormant.

On 3/7/2020 at 9:41 AM, Chrisie said:

told me he couldn't be with me right now

Because he was with another woman.

On 3/7/2020 at 9:41 AM, Chrisie said:

This girl came in one day and she said his name.

Of course she did. She has slept with him.

On 3/7/2020 at 9:41 AM, Chrisie said:

He puts his phone on vibrate and doesn't answer his phone when someone calls him.

Because it's other women calling him.

On 3/7/2020 at 9:41 AM, Chrisie said:

Pics and a video of him and another girl having sex

There you have it. Proof that he is NOT a good man at all. He is a lying cheating snake.

Whatever made you think he was a good guy?

NOTHING in your post points to anything good about him.

[d0nnivain]

What do you need help with?  This guy is not faithful.   That is all there is.  Walk away.  You two have tried multiple times to make this relationship work & it has failed every time.  Now you need to finally realize that it's never going to work & stop trying.  Address your STD. Move on.  Be a good mom.  Eventually you will find a decent man.