Coming to terms with it all

[an0nym0us123]

So for those of us that tried and failed every time to meet someone, did you ever genuinely get to a point where you felt at peace with the fact it would never happen?

I find myself wanting to just give up and forget it ever happening. But giving in is as equally painful thought as the continuous failures i go through. Im not a quitter by nature so im stuck between not being able to have what i want and not being able to accept that i cant do it.

I pick myself up after falling and keep going only to be crushed again and again. 

People often say you need to be happy on your own and not need someone to complete you as a person. This is true, i am independent, but the problem is i have basically no choice. Its much easier to be content and single knowing full well you are desirable. 

As i have stated in other threads, yes i did get attention from the opposite sex. I worked out a lot and girls would be attracted to me having abs etc. But this was a long time ago and these were young girls around 18, 19. I can guarantee none of them would look at me now. 

I believe i have my life in order, im 2 inches above average height and still in shape. Ive treid to believe that i was failing due to something i was doing wrong but im not. Average looking people date all the time but im not even that. My life has basically been controlled by a few millimetres too much or too little on my face, i wish i was obese and id know how to fix it. I have an appointment in 2 weeks to see if i can have my teeth straightened. This is basically the only thing i can ever do to improve things at this point.

At the moment im trapped in a life i never wanted, the prospect of another 50 years like this is pretty un appealing. 

How does one find peace with what they have been given? Or will it always be like this?

[Envy123]

4 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

So for those of us that tried and failed every time to meet someone, did you ever genuinely get to a point where you felt at peace with the fact it would never happen?

Yes.

For example, I was "love pranked" one too many times and decided to stop pushing the situation with romance. Ended up in a romantic relationship not long afterwards, despite coming to peace.

On the other side, I was so preoccupied with the idea of romance and trying to impress certain women in my previous workplace and nothing happened in a year.

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

...My life has basically been controlled by a few millimetres too much or too little on my face....

I'm unclear what this means...I can see extreme situations where this would impact ones ability to date etc., but a few millimeters?  If me I would start with the mindset that leads me to such thoughts, that gives credence to them.  Of all the things that can be in someones way to find the women they want, I think this is way down or not even on the list unless you are after women who are after male models...and even then.

[Cookiesandough]

I meet people, but I have never found anyone I think I can rightfully say I’ve “fallen for” . Liked enough to date, yes. But never that feeling where I’d want to spend forever with them. So I feel like this question can apply to me. 
 

Yes, it has become easier. I went from lying to myself and forcing things that weren’t there for me, getting into empty relationships where I wasn’t feeling it, , putting nice people through a lot of grief, and then finally maturing and saying that if it’s not there, it’s not there. I think that is progress. Now I feel I have a good grasp on pair bonding on a rational level.
 

I’m more at peace with the idea of never having that experience. There is a lot more to life. 

[simpycurious]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I meet people, but I have never found anyone I think I can rightfully say I’ve “fallen for” . Liked enough to date, yes. But never that feeling where I’d want to spend forever with them. So I feel like this question can apply to me. 
 

Yes, it has become easier. I went from lying to myself and forcing things that weren’t there for me, getting into empty relationships where I wasn’t feeling it, , putting nice people through a lot of grief, and then finally maturing and saying that if it’s not there, it’s not there. I think that is progress. Now I feel I have a good grasp on pair bonding on a rational level.
 

I’m more at peace with the idea of never having that experience. There is a lot more to life. 

I think this a very insightful post especially the words "if it's not there, it's not there."  There is indeed a lot more to life but that is a very special part if you 

are able to attain it.  

[an0nym0us123]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

I'm unclear what this means...I can see extreme situations where this would impact ones ability to date etc., but a few millimeters?  If me I would start with the mindset that leads me to such thoughts, that gives credence to them.  Of all the things that can be in someones way to find the women they want, I think this is way down or not even on the list unless you are after women who are after male models...and even then.

Well it was a figure of speech tbh, but i have a couple of features that are well outside the proportions of what normal people have. So it certainly does impact on ones ability to date. 

The photos i have used online are the best ones of me, the angles and lighting are good so it minimises the problems. So in a sense i am catfish. Although sometimes we will exchange selfies before meeting. 

Its quite clear that most are disappointed with me. Most reject me on date 1 some seem interested for a couple of days after then i get ghosted. Only 1 showed any real interest but she had enough after 4 dates.

Real life is worse, anytime im at a bar etc no one ever wants to talk. So i need to someway become at ease that im just not going to find anyone that fits what im looking for that ever likes me back. I dont know how to do this

 

[Foxhall]

I recall having a drink with a former friend of my Fathers a while ago,

man about 70 now, but I asked him did he regret remaining a single bachelor all his life (that question was a bit cheeky I suppose)

No he says he dated four women in his life, at about age 45 he decided just wanted to do his own thing be answerable to nobody,

end of story.

 

[preraph]

You're not happy with it or you wouldn't be on here talking about it, I guess.  Sounds like you have teeth problems, so get a second job so you can afford to have them fixed.  I have a 60-something friend who finally did hers, or is doing them right now.  Invisiline.  She will look so much better. She also needs to whiten them though, too much coffee.   

Don't let things that can be fixed go unfixed!

[an0nym0us123]

Thanks.

I have an appointment in just over 2 weeks to see an orthodontist to see if i can have invisalign. 

I dont need a second job if im a suitable candidate im probably going ahead with it. At least that is one less thing against me 

[an0nym0us123]

30 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I recall having a drink with a former friend of my Fathers a while ago,

man about 70 now, but I asked him did he regret remaining a single bachelor all his life (that question was a bit cheeky I suppose)

No he says he dated four women in his life, at about age 45 he decided just wanted to do his own thing be answerable to nobody,

end of story.

 

What i would have liked was to have been able to make this choice for myself thats all. As it stands it basically made for me

[preraph]

Invisiline doesn't always take very long like old type braces.  My friend's is only supposed to take seven months, and it may not even be that long as they're changing rapidly!  You can take them off to eat or whatever, but they're not even visible, really.  Good luck with that.  After all that, then  you can do some more basic makeover things, like go to a big department store and ask a clerk to pick out some age-appropriate updated outfits, a couple of dressier casual ones, just to update you and they can see that you are well fitted.  Because that's so important.  Sometimes you have to go to a tailor and hem or get a tuck to make it fit well.  Then you can get an updated haircut at a salon and take their recommendation what will look good.  And you'll feel like a better version of yourself.  It's real easy to stay in a fashion or hair rut and sometimes just wearing something more flattering or striking can really help.  Women pay attention to that stuff, you know.  

[ZA Dater]

I think you do get used to it, its harder some days than others to accept that reality. What works for me is to never completely write off the idea and some respects I have people around me who are busy in their relationships so I tend to see a lot of the bad but less of the good and when I see this really don't feel so bad about being alone. What is difficult is when you meet up with past friends who are married with kids and you inevitably get asked.

"At the moment im trapped in a life i never wanted, the prospect of another 50 years like this is pretty un appealing"

This resonates quite strongly with me because I feel like this often, yes I have some great parts of life but without some sort of romance it just feels like I am missing out on a vitally great experience.

I think I also take some comfort in being upfront about how I struggle with dating, most people around me know that, I am upfront about OLD which people see as a big NO NO in SA for whatever reason. You need to try drag the positive out of the situation however which way you can. Unfortunately when you start looking into dating more closely you realise that for the most part we are powerless to change our own fortunes because yes, we can all probably find someone but how many of us find someone we actually find attractive?

One thing I an tell you is time doesn't make this better, when I was 30 I took a serious reality check and tried to improve my own life but I was no more attractive and nearly 6 years later I don't think my fortunes are any better BUT I am more set on what I like and especially what I don't.

You need to friend zone people in my view. Its a compromise but its better than nothing.

[guy45]

On 3/7/2020 at 10:19 AM, Cookiesandough said:

I meet people, but I have never found anyone I think I can rightfully say I’ve “fallen for” . Liked enough to date, yes. But never that feeling where I’d want to spend forever with them. So I feel like this question can apply to me. 
 

Yes, it has become easier. I went from lying to myself and forcing things that weren’t there for me, getting into empty relationships where I wasn’t feeling it, , putting nice people through a lot of grief, and then finally maturing and saying that if it’s not there, it’s not there. I think that is progress. Now I feel I have a good grasp on pair bonding on a rational level.
 

I’m more at peace with the idea of never having that experience. There is a lot more to life. 

I can relate to this so much. The thing is however I’ve never been the type to lose hope. I believe there is always a way to find love.

Edited March 14, 2020 by guy45

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, guy45 said:

The thing is however I’ve never been the type to lose hope. I believe there is always a way to find love.

Love comes from unlikely corners sometimes too.

Hope you are ok @Cookiesandough

[chillii]

So how old are you op ? Anyway, like a lot of struggling people round here you seem stuck on looks , but again and l get so sick of saying it , don't you realize average couples out there can be anything, fat skinny pretty or very much not so pretty tall short , anything , but you talk about a few ml. l think you have the whole concept wrong which is very common and the real reason many struggle from what l see round here. Maybe it's your ways , or personality, or maybe you expect a model .  lf it's looks your so stuck on guys can do plenty with their looks anyway hair and goatees mustaches beards clothes.

The way you talk about jobs and abs and a few ml and superficial stuff is so common in struggling people when l'd say it's more to do with a shear lack of understanding in how all this stuff really works, "none" of that will make a relationship.

 

Edited March 15, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

Even that 4 date one , well she obviously came back , and tried , so that right there tells ya there was no click or connection and that's why that was that . Well you can't make that stuff it just happens with whomever it happens with , for some that's not many especially if they'r totally ignorant about how it works , or some don't know the difference anyway if she was one of those she might've stayed, but most people look for it.

Edited March 15, 2020 by chillii

[Sinful]

10 hours ago, chillii said:

So how old are you op ? Anyway, like a lot of struggling people round here you seem stuck on looks , but again and l get so sick of saying it , don't you realize average couples out there can be anything, fat skinny pretty or very much not so pretty tall short , anything , but you talk about a few ml. l think you have the whole concept wrong which is very common and the real reason many struggle from what l see round here. Maybe it's your ways , or personality, or maybe you expect a model .  lf it's looks your so stuck on guys can do plenty with their looks anyway hair and goatees mustaches beards clothes.

The way you talk about jobs and abs and a few ml and superficial stuff is so common in struggling people when l'd say it's more to do with a shear lack of understanding in how all this stuff really works, "none" of that will make a relationship.

 

When I read this I was thinking the exact same thing. All I hear is looks, looks, looks. OP no offense but you almost come off a bit shallow here. It's not all about looks for girls. What do you have to offer beyond your looks? Do you have anything interesting to talk about? Are you fun? I'm gathering perhaps not so much if you're always self conscious about your looks.

I've worked as a male model before. I've had girls approach me just based on looks/physical attraction, but if you don't have something beyond that to attract them they usually won't stick around long. My ex left me to be with her OM who is an older, bald, ogre looking dude. How often do we see average or below average looking guys who are with beautiful girls?

If you have a problem with your teeth that's something that you can fix. There's a lot that can be done nowadays to correct deformities. Working out, dressing well, looking good is great and certainly helps, but don't be so self conscious and caught up on the physical. Because you will need more than just physical to keep the girl there once she arrives. 

Edited March 15, 2020 by Sinful

[ZA Dater]

20 hours ago, Sinful said:

When I read this I was thinking the exact same thing. All I hear is looks, looks, looks. OP no offense but you almost come off a bit shallow here. It's not all about looks for girls. What do you have to offer beyond your looks? Do you have anything interesting to talk about? Are you fun? I'm gathering perhaps not so much if you're always self conscious about your looks.

I've worked as a male model before. I've had girls approach me just based on looks/physical attraction, but if you don't have something beyond that to attract them they usually won't stick around long. My ex left me to be with her OM who is an older, bald, ogre looking dude. How often do we see average or below average looking guys who are with beautiful girls?

If you have a problem with your teeth that's something that you can fix. There's a lot that can be done nowadays to correct deformities. Working out, dressing well, looking good is great and certainly helps, but don't be so self conscious and caught up on the physical. Because you will need more than just physical to keep the girl there once she arrives. 

Unfortunately the highlighted part for me would mean you cannot relate to the OP at all. The truth MOST people do look at looks and YES its nice to feel desired by someone you find attractive. I'll go and offend pretty much everyone here and say, what's going to excite you more, someone you find attractive who desires you or someone who isn't really that attractive but desires you.

It would appear you have never had to deal with the latter. When you do the latter over and over again then LOOKS become very important so I get the OP on that and largely agree BECAUSE, its once again been proven over and over again you can be the best guy but you stand no chance if your looks don't appeal. Its IMPOSSIBLE I believe to overcome a lack of looks with a great personality for example, people tell me this is possible but I yet to see any real world example of it.

Sure sometimes you will get mismatches but how often does that truly happen and how many times is there underlying material wealth involved?

To the OP I don't think one ever really find peace all you can do it keep going with life, find some good experiences whatever they may be and don't got too bogged down in dating.

[Azincourt]

On 3/7/2020 at 9:24 PM, an0nym0us123 said:

Thanks.

I have an appointment in just over 2 weeks to see an orthodontist to see if i can have invisalign. 

I dont need a second job if im a suitable candidate im probably going ahead with it. At least that is one less thing against me 

 

Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are in their 60s and they still get plastic surgery and hair transplants done, don't let being of a certain age keep you from achieving your aesthetic goals.(And Tom Cruise's teeth are probably fake, but can most people tell? No. That's how good his dentist is.)

I also know women and men who are in their 60s and are either getting new teeth installed, or they're getting braces. You are never too old to care about your physical appearance.

[Sinful]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Unfortunately the highlighted part for me would mean you cannot relate to the OP at all. The truth MOST people do look at looks and YES its nice to feel desired by someone you find attractive. I'll go and offend pretty much everyone here and say, what's going to excite you more, someone you find attractive who desires you or someone who isn't really that attractive but desires you.

It would appear you have never had to deal with the latter.

I think you're missing the point I'm making. I'm not saying looks don't matter. Of course looks are usually the initial attraction, and no one wants a partner that they aren't physically attracted to. There's many things you can do to improve your physical, and there's nothing wrong with working to improve in that area.

What I'm saying is that it's about more than just looks when it comes to dating/relationships. Sure, if you had looks and nothing else going for you I'm sure you can get random hookups and one nighters, but it sounds like the OP wants more than that. If you approach a girl (or vice versa) and she's physically attracted to you, you already have one foot in the door. But, even with that physical attraction on her part, if you're boring, don't know how to talk or have nothing interesting to say, etc, etc... watch how quickly the attraction can start to fade. 

Even with girls, we've all seen really hot girls that have bad attitudes, immature, stuck up egos, etc. Things that make you not want to date them. This is what I mean when I say it's not all about looks.

 

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, Sinful said:

I think you're missing the point I'm making. I'm not saying looks don't matter. Of course looks are usually the initial attraction, and no one wants a partner that they aren't physically attracted to. There's many things you can do to improve your physical, and there's nothing wrong with working to improve in that area.

What I'm saying is that it's about more than just looks when it comes to dating/relationships. Sure, if you had looks and nothing else going for you I'm sure you can get random hookups and one nighters, but it sounds like the OP wants more than that. If you approach a girl (or vice versa) and she's physically attracted to you, you already have one foot in the door. But, even with that physical attraction on her part, if you're boring, don't know how to talk or have nothing interesting to say, etc, etc... watch how quickly the attraction can start to fade. 

Even with girls, we've all seen really hot girls that have bad attitudes, immature, stuck up egos, etc. Things that make you not want to date them. This is what I mean when I say it's not all about looks.

 

Sure, I get that but it sounds like the OP is lamenting a lack of any sort of attractive interest. I think what you probably forget is you can get attention, it sounds like the OP cannot so he is looking for reasons why. You can work on physical as much as you like but it still does not work for some people. My view as someone like the OP is looks become the forgive all attribute, I know some people who can forgive a boring person, can forgive an uninteresting person if they are good looking and to be honest I think most of us are like that to lesser or greater degrees.

What is unfortunate and I have read this so many times and experienced it myself is that people like the OP get rejected so many time, you become so desperate for any sort of attention but being that way means you get even less attention.

I'll be quite honest guys like you I envy because at least every so often you can at least go out with physically appealing people, a concept I have yet to experience.

[Sinful]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Sure, I get that but it sounds like the OP is lamenting a lack of any sort of attractive interest. I think what you probably forget is you can get attention, it sounds like the OP cannot so he is looking for reasons why. You can work on physical as much as you like but it still does not work for some people. My view as someone like the OP is looks become the forgive all attribute, I know some people who can forgive a boring person, can forgive an uninteresting person if they are good looking and to be honest I think most of us are like that to lesser or greater degrees.

What is unfortunate and I have read this so many times and experienced it myself is that people like the OP get rejected so many time, you become so desperate for any sort of attention but being that way means you get even less attention.

Well you're "assuming" that OP is getting rejected repeatedly based on his looks alone. I think OP needs to clarify and give specific details as to what happens on these dates and interactions with these girls that lead him to this conclusion. You can read from his post I quoted on another thread below...

 

Quote

Through last year i played about with different photos and taking different photos of myself. Ive ended up with half a dozen that i think i look okay in and i get matches and attention online. 

However i do think these are me looking my best, best angles and best lighting etc. 

The problem now is its more likely the woman will be disappointed when she meets me. Recently i have taken a few really nice looking women out on first dates but that was as far as they all went despite us seemingly having a laugh. 

A mate of mine who does online was telling me at xmas how no girl has ever refused a second date with him. He is a very good looking guy where as ive a lot less going for me in that department.

Only recently did i become aware of something that may be spoiling my chances. I was on a date and the girl was sitting opposite me smiling and i noted that her teeth were perfect. Then i thought about mine, although ive nice enough teeth they are crooked! Not crazy but miles from what they could be. They look okay from the front but its very obvious from the side or bottom and they really aren't doing me any favours.

He clearly states he gets attention and dates from his photos online, so that would seemingly say that if anything it's NOT his looks that are the initial problem. So his looks/pics are enough to land dates with these girls.

Then he only "recently" came to the conclusion that "perhaps" these girls were being put off by his teeth being a bit crooked. Again, I highly doubt a few crooked teeth are causing these girls to bolt. The real question is what happens on the dates? What is he doing to build the attraction? If he's so self conscious that he's just worried and waiting for the girl to reject him and as a result kill all potential attraction, then naturally the girl is going to lose interest.... which sounds more like to me what's really going on here. 

But again, would be nice if OP would reply with specific details. 

 

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I'll be quite honest guys like you I envy because at least every so often you can at least go out with physically appealing people, a concept I have yet to experience.

 Then I pose the same question to you. Why is it you feel you're unable or unworthy to date physically appealing people?

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Sinful said:

Well you're "assuming" that OP is getting rejected repeatedly based on his looks alone. I think OP needs to clarify and give specific details as to what happens on these dates and interactions with these girls that lead him to this conclusion. You can read from his post I quoted on another thread below...

 

He clearly states he gets attention and dates from his photos online, so that would seemingly say that if anything it's NOT his looks that are the initial problem. So his looks/pics are enough to land dates with these girls.

Then he only "recently" came to the conclusion that "perhaps" these girls were being put off by his teeth being a bit crooked. Again, I highly doubt a few crooked teeth are causing these girls to bolt. The real question is what happens on the dates? What is he doing to build the attraction? If he's so self conscious that he's just worried and waiting for the girl to reject him and as a result kill all potential attraction, then naturally the girl is going to lose interest.... which sounds more like to me what's really going on here. 

But again, would be nice if OP would reply with specific details. 

 

 Then I pose the same question to you. Why is it you feel you're unable or unworthy to date physically appealing people?

Well ok that does provide more context, I still maintain his lack of ultimate success has robbed confidence. I get the whole pictures thing because lets face it OLD is only about pictures and nothing else, frankly I think dating is about looks and nothing else but that's neither here nor there.

For nearly 20 years I have been trying to date people I find attractive and never really accomplished it ever. When someone I do find attractive even bothers to say hello its a win because for the most part I don't really exist, they have endless options all better than me. I have zero confidence and zero faith than I can actually ever date anyone I find attractive. So yes guys like you have my respect because you can do what I wont ever be able to do.

The thing I resent heavily is why must the guy put in ALL the effort, you invest and get zero interest back so why bother investing to begin with. He could be self conscious much like I am when I go on dates I have zero enthusiasm for but if I didn't go Id never go on any dates at all.

 

[Sinful]

52 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

For nearly 20 years I have been trying to date people I find attractive and never really accomplished it ever. When someone I do find attractive even bothers to say hello its a win because for the most part I don't really exist, they have endless options all better than me. I have zero confidence and zero faith than I can actually ever date anyone I find attractive. So yes guys like you have my respect because you can do what I wont ever be able to do.

The thing I resent heavily is why must the guy put in ALL the effort, you invest and get zero interest back so why bother investing to begin with. He could be self conscious much like I am when I go on dates I have zero enthusiasm for but if I didn't go Id never go on any dates at all.

Confidence goes a long way when it comes to dating and attracting women. You yourself admit you lack confidence and women can sense that. You have to work to build up your self confidence. And that starts by changing your mentality. If you keep thinking you have zero confidence and zero faith you can ever date anyone you find attractive, then that is exactly what will happen because it's the limitation you put on yourself. If you're interested I'd be glad to chat more and offer more personalized advice based on your situation, not that I claim to be any type of guru, but I'm always willing to help guys where I can as I had to learn just like everyone else. 

 

 

[an0nym0us123]

Lots of replies so i wont reply individually.

I am 34, apparently this is meant to be a golden age of dating for men but i have to disagree on that. I had more success when i was 22.

Its not about looks no, but I have a male friend who is the definition of a good looking man. He is no more interesting or exciting or has any more money than me. And from what I gather he has never had a girl refuse a second date. 

As i stated in my first post. I do get attention from my photos. But they are my very best photos, they minimise faults.

As for the actual dates, do you really think i turn up and start moaning about my lack of success or my looks? No of course no. I am perfectly confident and will go in for the kiss if i think she is wanting one.

The girl i had 4 dates with would be texting me after our date how great i was to be with and how it was good to find some one normal who had lots in common. To her credit she gave me a chance.

Its not all about looks, but looks are a big factor. Those of us that dont have it and stuggle get told its not our looks but that we must be some sort of weirdo or something. 

At the moment i have deleted all my apps, partly due to this virus and partly because its pointless. If i get my teeth sorted i might try again. Time is passing and i really dont see things getting any better.

There is nothing wrong with my personality or how i engage with women. Pretty much all of them i was with we had a laugh. 

There really isnt anything more i can do

 

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2020 by an0nym0us123