Relationships Keep Ending for Similar Reasons, How to Fix This?

[JCDallas]

 

Hey everyone, so I've been in about seven different relationships in my life, six of which I would say are truly meaningful to me, and I noticed that five of them ended for similar reasons, and I'm starting to wonder if the issue is me, how I can fix this, and get a relationship to last longer than 7 months, and hopefully for a life time.

Relationship #1 ended because I was young enough to let my parents interfere in the relationship, as they truly disliked the person I was with, said she had major issues and wasn't right for me.. I listened to them eventually and ended the first one. They didnt like that her social media posts were always negative and how I would have to drive 30+ mins all the time to see her and always had to pay the bill when we went out. (Keep in mind I was like 18 at the time, relatively young)

Relationship #2 ended because the person didn't have their priorities straight, they were content living with no job, no college education, in a terrible living situation, and had no motivation to improve at the time, I didn't like that at all.

Relationship #3 ended because the person I was with would seemingly blow off more than one night where we were supposed to see each other, to spend time with her "gay" best friend(s) and not me.. I learned from this and recognize I was wrong for being jelous, but still it bothered me that she put them first and seemingly had no time to spend

Relationship #4 just constantly cancelled dates for every excuse in the book, would set a makeup day, and then cancel the date again, this happened constantly, I felt like I saw her maybe 6 times in a two year on and off period of trying to actually make it work, something would always come up with her

Relationship #5, my most recent one, long story short, pretty much ended for every single one of the above reasons. There were trust issues, she got mad & flipped out that I sent a mere 5 messages to a female stranger (person added me on facebook, I said I dont add strangers, but I wanted to get to know them before deciding to add weather on Messenger, instagram, snapchat etc first (I know to not add/talk to strangers, but still) my ex saw that and flipped out, ended the relationship) she would cancel dates every now and then, my parents didn't like her, claimed she had major issues, she would cancel dates every now and then, it was really a combination of everything that happened to me in the past, all in one person..

Can someone explain to me What I am doing wrong, why do I keep having similar types of issues in relationships? I'm always the most honest person I can be, I'm super nice, I'm always myself, try to see the person as often as possible, I'm good at expressing my feelings, but none of my relationships work out ultimately. None of my relationships lasted more than 7 months, and I absolutely hate that. I met most of these people via the Plenty of Fish (POF online dating app) & similar free online dating apps. Is POF filled with people who just aren't looking for what I am, something long-term, and serious, and am I looking in the wrong places? I hardly ever go out unless it's with a close group of 3 or 4 friends, so the only way I can meet people is through online dating, but so far they've all ended relatively short and I just am starting to feel hopeless at this point.

I'm a 26 year old Male, from Middletown, NJ, I still live with my parents (For now, hope to change that within the next 1-2 years) I have my own car, multiple part time jobs in a field I love, I work 5-6 days a week depending on the season, if that helps anyone.

The average relationship was anywhere from 2-6 months, the longest being 7 months.

The other two relationships were so long ago that I'm not sure if they are worth mentioning, but one ended because the person I was with at the time (which was more than 10+ years ago now) thought the relationship was boring (keep in mind I was maybe 16 years old at the time, super young) and the other ended because there was no chemistry, ultimately.. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Edited March 7, 2020 by JCDallas

[smackie9]

This is why we date....to see if they treat us the way we want to be treated....your problem? You have been investing in the wrong person over and over. Now that you have had plenty of experience in what you like and don't like, you are better prepared to pick a better partner. Don't ignore the red flags like jealousy, lack of time for you, gut feelings of of being lied to, not getting along with family, not enough compatibility, etc. Just need to stop trying to keep "making it work".

Edited March 7, 2020 by smackie9
spelling

[JCDallas]

Thank you. I don’t know why I feel the need to constantly try to make relationships  work when it seems like I’m the only one giving any effort. I guess that’s another thing I have to try and fix, but I need to figure out how to do. The one thing I want in my life is a long lasting relationship, and I guess if I find a person I really like I do what I can to make it work, but I need to realize if the other person isn’t giving that same effort than they are not worth my time and effort, right?

Edited March 7, 2020 by JCDallas

[Blind-Sided]

Well... without knowing more... all of your relationships (other than #1) were just with people who really weren't in the relationship. Also... relationship or not... it's rude, and immature to blow off someone you already had plans with.  If someone does that to me more than once... without a real reason... I'm done with them.  Also... with #3... ok... if he was really her gay best friend... why couldn't you hang out too? (sounds like a little lie to me) But if it was an actual planed day... then I would have dumped her quick.

I personally don't use OLD because it's full of people I know I won't click with... and I don't have the energy to just date, for the sake of dating. This is why school was great in my young life. You could get to know someone without "Dating"... and then when you went on your first date... that was truly the start of the relationship.

After my exW went nutz. and left... I started reaching out to all the people I knew, and let them know I would be more that willing to meet anyone they though would be good for me. It's not the fastest tactic, but I've opened a bunch of new friendships, and reconnected with old friends. That in itself has been a mood lifter. And in turn... those friends are looking out for me. I know there was one girl I was interested in, but my friends said... "She's too blond for your liking".  I knew what that meant, so I backed off.  (I can't do dumb)

From what I have read here... I would say you don't need to change anything other than your tactic, and expectation. If you must... use OLD, but know that a date is just an introduction.  Even if it goes to a second date, you are just getting to know that person. if there are any flags... just watch.  But if they blow you off, or don't respond... just move on.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am 47F.  My perspective is that relationships need to be 50/50.  Your problem is that you are investing too much with people who are not investing back in you.

As a guy, you want to show real genuine interest in order for a girl be interested back, I get that.  But you need to stop if the interest and attention is not reciprocated.  I would say give the girl 3 dates.  If she is not showing as much interest in you by this time, it is time to drop them and move to the next.  By sticking around past this time you are just asking for maltreatment because you become an option for them not a priority.  And the space they take up may be preventing a more interested girl from being there for you.

[chillii]

14 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This is why we date....to see if they treat us the way we want to be treated....your problem? You have been investing in the wrong person over and over. Now that you have had plenty of experience in what you like and don't like, you are better prepared to pick a better partner. Don't ignore the red flags like jealousy, lack of time for you, gut feelings of of being lied to, not getting along with family, not enough compatibility, etc. Just need to stop trying to keep "making it work".

Yep , eaxactly

Get to know someone a bit first op , your just starting stuff up with anyone, you gotta be selective .

[Ellener]

21 hours ago, JCDallas said:

I don’t know why I feel the need to constantly try to make relationships  work

well, it's a human compulsion to repeat behaviours even when they clearly don't acheive much for us long-term. Take that to a therapist or support group?

It's harder to set boundaries if there are people over-involved in your life, hence why most adults feel the need to move away from their parents in order to establish independence and agency. It's one thing for parents to be over-protective of their 18 year old, inappropriate a decade later when he/she can take care of themself!

Good luck ❤️

[smackie9]

I guess your desire to have a LTR so bad, makes you short sighted on everything and focus solely on your goal. I do know if you keep giving and giving, you only set yourself up to be taken for granted, become a pushover, doormat, etc. I agree with the others, you need a different approach to fix this. Just take your time to get to know them, observe, take note of actions, and words...and of course red flags. Red flags shouldn't be ignored. They prove there is worse to come. For example: there are so many threads about the lack of the persons availability. "They don't text me back for days", or "they cancel dates, they are so busy with work or with their kids". Those are red flags. That's their cue to move on, not to make it better or "fix" it.

[Fletch Lives]

Listen to Smackie!

It just sounds to me like you are meeting the wrong women. It would be helpful if you used your gut and watched for signs earlier, so you could get out of these lame relationships earlier.

On the other hand, you are not doing terrible - some people get into poor marriages for years.

[Lotsgoingon]

Fix your people picker ... and google boundaries ... you are getting in relationships with people who probably scream UNRELIABLE ... NOT INTERESTED IN COMMITTING ... and you don't know how to go slowly and let someone gradually earn your trust ...

Work on boundaries, saying no ... flip the scrip ... quit trying to make the relationships work ... a good relationship is almost one that happens with any deep emotional effort ... the person reaches out to you as much as you reach out to them.

You might benefit from therapy ... probably some family stuff getting in the way of you relating to people.