She has a new man long distance. want her back?

[JohnJ786]

I apologise this will be so long. I am 22M, she is 21F and her new man is 24M

My ex and I met in 2017 a couple weeks after my dad passed away. It was love at first sight and really liked her and she really liked me but I was not ready to commit as I was grieving. Her BFF and our friends circle at the time made up lies to her about me, and to me about her, and I pushed her away as I was in a moment of grieving, she was very hurt. Over that next year, she dated a guy called James later in 2017 but it faded out and me and her were on/off in terms of flirting and texted very intimately quite often

A year later in summer 2018, we became closer as friends and I caught feelings for but she was dating someone else and friendzoned me. A month later of talking as friends, she admitted she loved me all this time and was pretending she didn't and ignoring it to not get hurt again, and we began our relationship. I never knew she felt this way for me as she always said she really liked him, but she admitted she felt trapped being with him, bc she wanted to be with me. She would hide it so well as I always thought I had no chance anymore..

We were both so happy and so sure of each other for the longest time. After 7 months, her life got very hectic as she was being forced to move country with her parents later that year (2019) and she lost feelings for me, so she broke up w me in April. We also had some misunderstandings and our communication wasn't too great either.

The preceding months, her feelings were on/off for me, sometimes she would be obsessed w me and head over heels and other times it felt like she would force herself not to be

By end of Sept 2019, she told me she loved me and I was the love of her life, but she still didn't feel ready for a relationship at this point in her life. But we stayed in love and agreed to take it day by day for now, I was happy living in the present with her

She moved away a few days later and will be back this August so 5 more months. She would tell me she loved me everyday and it felt like her love for me only grew ever since. It was amazing and the best feeling. 

At the end of 2019, she said she wants to end things with me. Her reason was that, she concluded she could never get over how I hurt her in 2017, as I was very mean to her. She said she would feel love for me, but instantly be reminded of how i treated her back then, and become upset, then try to forget it quickly and would love me again. It became a toxic cycle for her and got very destructive for her so she decided to end it.

A month later, she tells me that there is this guy called James who she dated in 2017 after things ended with me but it was never serious. She would always tell me that their dynamic was boring, that she would never go back to him bc she knows ir didn't work, she used to laugh at the idea. But she told me @ the start of Feb that they got closer last summer and she caught feelings for him, tried to ignore them but they kept coming back.

She said she told her how he felt at the end of 2019 and she realised she felt the same, and that was part of why she wanted to end things with me. It hurt a LOT for me to hear this and for her to say to me as she knew she hurt me a lot, but I kept being friends with her bc I couldn't handle her not being in my life

Now, 2 months of them talking long distance, he asked her to be in a relationship last Friday and she said yes. So now they are in a relationship

I stopped talking to her for a day or two earlier this week and she would always text me to talk to me but I would either ignore it, or give a short reply. A couple of days ago, she told me she has a lot of worry, anxiety, fear and frustration all the time because James has a medical condition (cystic fibrosis) which impairs his lung function, and requires hospital visits from time to time. She said she really likes him but was expressing to me that "why am i in this situation" and she was considering ending things with him, but decided she is going to give herself some time before deciding anything. She said she likes him a lot and they talk all the time, call often too, it seems very genuine and not a rebound. She was considering breaking up with him ie it is in her mind and she was saying that she feels like she has signed herself up for a life of heartache now by being with him as she constantly worries and feels anxiety

A day later, she said she felt much better and said that the universe is trying to teach her how to be more selfless and compassionate, and that it would not have lead her heart and soul here if it wasn't trying to teach her something. So she said she is trusting in God and the universe. So it seems like after talking to me about all the anxiety she was having about him, and considering breaking up with him over it, she seemed more relaxed the next day about it, so it feels like she is going to end up staying with him... She did say she is giving herself time to think about things though, but I feel she will choose him in the end... they won't see each other until August this year

But, In december, she would be telling me she loves me, wants a future with me, wants to have my kids, cant wait to see me, that no one gets her like I do and no one knows her like I do and Is so happy she has me, someone who she can count on all the time, in her life. She would always say how obsessed she is with me and it was the sweetest thing in the world. Then randomly one day she ended it end of 2019 like I said.

Now, she told me that last year after we broke up, she was very confused and that's why she had feelings for me and fell in love with me, but keeps saying she was confused and she wouldn't consider what we had in December as "being involved" ... Although we technically were not together, telling someone you love them everyday is a huge things IMO

But again, she revealed to me end of 2019 that she was up/down with her love for me and only showed me the "up" sides... it got very toxic for her in her mind due to overthinking and she wanted to desperately move on from it and start a new chapter she said.

She said what she likes about James is that there are no expectations and no baggage and that is a big part of why she is happy right now, as well as because they are living in the present and taking it day by day and things are very chill with them. I know with me, the expectations and baggage were a big thing for her which put her off being with me fully. 

I really want her back and I am using the law of attraction in order to manifest her into my life, which has calmed me down so much right now. In the past, the law of attraction has worked for me very well in manifesting things into my life so I am hoping that if I stick to it, things will work out for me. I really need some advice on what you all think about this whole thing as it is such a shock for me that from September to end of December 2019, she would be telling me how much she loves me, that she wants to be with me, misses me, wants to marry me etc but just a little over 2 months later, she is happy to be in a committed relationship with this other guy.... I just don't understand and it SEEMS like it is just a rebound and the initial excitement of everything ie the honeymoon stage, will wear off and she will come to a realisation, but I am just not sure what to do or say now..

Things have ALWAYS been different between us in person and even she admitted this last summer. One day she was being cold with me over text because we ended up kissing earlier in the day. She texted saying she didn't want to do that again. But the next day she kissed me by surprise and I was so taken aback by it. She said that every time she sees me in person, her feelings come rushing back and it has always been this way, now that I think of it

I really need advice on what to do to get her back, I am moving on in the meantime and feel better than I did after she ended things end of 2019, but I do want to give it a solid chance. A year ago to the date, she would be saying that if she ends up moving away and we break up, that she just knows when she comes back we'll find our way back to each other again as she knows we're "meant to be" ... and we are going through that now and she is now in an LDR with another man, who she really really likes and I feel she is slowly falling in love with him..

[Marc878]

A smarter play would be to drop the hopium and go your own way.

Her words are meaningless because they don’t correlate with her actions. She throws out breadcrumbs and you’re hungrily snapping them up.

You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” it’s free and short.

 

Edited March 7, 2020 by Marc878

[JohnJ786]

7 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

A smarter play would be to drop the hopium and go your own way.

Her words are meaningless because they don’t correlate with her actions. She throws out breadcrumbs and you’re hungrily snapping them up.

You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” it’s free and short.

 

That's the thing, her actions have always showed she loves me, but her words tend to tell a different story now ie that she wants to move on... It seems as if she does like me still or has SOME little amount of feelings but she is ignoring them and not acknowledging them bc she doesn't want to fall back into that toxic cycle and way of thinking she had when she loved me..

She actually started saying she loved me last June but a couple weeks ago, she said that she "didn't say she loved me until september bc she didn't love me before then".... which is kind of a lie? Because she said she loved me in June but "forgot" that even happened...

I am moving on in this time, I feel much better than I did at the start of the year when it was all fresh for me and came as a shock so I am learning to detach and let go for now... although I do have this thought in my head that relaxes me, which is that it will work out between us in the end whether its a few months from now or a year from now, I dont know..

I just do know that I want to give it a good shot before I call it quits completely. We have a connection that you cant find elsewhere. Even with her and her new bf, they dont have the kind of connection we had, so eventually it will start feeling a bit different for her.. I dont know

I'll check out that book

Edited March 7, 2020 by JohnJ786

[Marc878]

Many make the mistake of projecting. I love her so much she has to love me too? Nope, if she did you’d know it. Shes just keeping you in the friends zone.
 

She has a new bf and yet she’s keeping you on the back burner(honestly you are keeping yourself there)? If she does that to him she’ll do it to you. She’s not relationship material.

See what is not what you want to see. You’re young and don’t have the bandwidth to effectively deal with this but you need to wake up to reality and quit wasting your time.

Whenever you’re caught up in these situations you don’t have the time to find someone who is a better fit. Cutoff all contact and block. Only then will you get clarity and see reality.

the book is a free pdf download. Google it

[Blind-Sided]

You don't want her back.  You are still young, and need to find someone who is stable, and can love you.  Right now, she has shown nothing other than she will leave you on a whim... and even worse, replace you with another guy.   AND... she is doing the same thing to the other guy.  You are both "Fillers" for her.  She will talk, and profess love to both of you when she needs to feel loved. 

OK... so lets say you win her back.  Then what?  do you really think she will stay with you, given her track record?  I have a bad feeling you would just be back here in a year from now telling us about the divorce.

Sorry for having to type that... but that's the reality based on your story.

[JohnJ786]

5 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

You don't want her back.  You are still young, and need to find someone who is stable, and can love you.  Right now, she has shown nothing other than she will leave you on a whim... and even worse, replace you with another guy.   AND... she is doing the same thing to the other guy.  You are both "Fillers" for her.  She will talk, and profess love to both of you when she needs to feel loved. 

OK... so lets say you win her back.  Then what?  do you really think she will stay with you, given her track record?  I have a bad feeling you would just be back here in a year from now telling us about the divorce.

Sorry for having to type that... but that's the reality based on your story.

Yeah that is a worry of mine of course! I guess the only way I would take her back, would be if she actually showed me she was sorry and worked to make things right with me.. although doesn't seem like that will happen but I feel she has to date around and "see what's out there" before she realises what she lost... I dont know

 

14 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Many make the mistake of projecting. I love her so much she has to love me too? Nope, if she did you’d know it. Shes just keeping you in the friends zone.
 

She has a new bf and yet she’s keeping you on the back burner(honestly you are keeping yourself there)? If she does that to him she’ll do it to you. She’s not relationship material.

See what is not what you want to see. You’re young and don’t have the bandwidth to effectively deal with this but you need to wake up to reality and quit wasting your time.

Whenever you’re caught up in these situations you don’t have the time to find someone who is a better fit. Cutoff all contact and block. Only then will you get clarity and see reality.

the book is a free pdf download. Google it

Yeah I feel she is keeping me as a safety net if that makes sense? She says she values and appreciates me a lot in her life and is proud of me etc... even over the last 2 days she had been complimenting my looks saying I look good etc or "have the looks" when we were joking about starting a tv show together.. kinda weird thing to say to an ex when you have a bf..

I try to go NC but she always just texts me to send me a joke or a meme or asks whats up or something, so it kinda difficult. I dont want to block her as in our friends circle, by "blocking" you're seen as childish or emotionally immature etc, so I dont want to go through the trouble of that, but I wont be posting on social media for the next while anyway

[Marc878]

Bud, no contact is up to you not her.

Apparently what you don’t realize is the only one keeping you in this is you.

[Marc878]

18 minutes ago, JohnJ786 said:

Yeah I feel she is keeping me as a safety net if that makes sense? She says she values and appreciates me a lot in her life and is proud of me etc... even over the last 2 days she had been complimenting my looks saying I look good etc or "have the looks" when we were joking about starting a tv show together.. kinda weird thing to say to an ex when you have a bf..

Doing that to her bf behind his back tells you what? You aren’t special or she wouldn’t have a bf would she?

I try to go NC but she always just texts me to send me a joke or a meme or asks whats up or something, so it kinda difficult. I dont want to block her as in our friends circle, by "blocking" you're seen as childish or emotionally immature etc, so I dont want to go through the trouble of that, but I wont be posting on social media for the next while anyway

Letting yourself be played isn’t childish and immature? I get it but what are you getting out of being a puppet on her string?
 

If you think you are that special to her then rationalize why she has a bf?

[JohnJ786]

40 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Letting yourself be played isn’t childish and immature? I get it but what are you getting out of being a puppet on her string?
 

If you think you are that special to her then rationalize why she has a bf?

The thing is, when she moved away last October, she has hated every minute of living in the new country, she absolutely hates and feels trapped. Nothing about it brings her happiness. I feel like she jumped or "monkey-branched" from me to him, when being with me caused her to overthink everything and make her unhappy, so he seemed like the better option ie he brought stability in her mind. So without him, she would have no source of happiness and if there was no him, and no me, she would be miserable, lonely and bored in the new country

She actually said to me last week that she cried like 3 times bc of how much she hates that new place

So in my head it makes sense, for her to jump out of our unstable situation into a "stable" situation with him, as she knew he always liked her and stuck around as a friend in hopes she would feel the same one day

I know my wording isnt very great but do you get what I mean? I know in my heart that if he wasn't a factor in all of this, things would have been worked out between us. She said a part of why she likes him is bc there are "no expectations and no baggage", both of which were there with me

It just seems.... weird.. to me that in December she would be saying she cant wait for a future with me, she even made ME promise to her that I wont lose feelings for her by the time she comes back, like she was upset about that thinking that I'll forget about her - then a week later she ends it and starts with this guy. Again later in december, I was being less responsive as I had exams and she texted me one day saying "I know youre losing feelings for me but its okay" as in, in a way that she was upset and I reassured her blah blah but.. yeah. Seems weird to me. She would even ask me what I would name our kids and if I'm a "fun time to her" , I said no and she said I wasn't just a fun time for her either (ie we're serious about each other), and she would be asking me when I would be looking to get married or if I would marry her next year (she wasn't serious serious) and if I see her as a person I could grow old with and have kids with etc. She also asked me if we had kids what language would I want them to learn, either her mother tongue or my mother tongue.. and she'd just always say how obsessed she is with me and how crazy in love she is with me, that I'm the love of her life etc. So it makes no sesne to me that this has happened, doesn't seem very real and anyone I've asked about it agrees, in the way that she seems emotionally mmature, confused, bored and lonely

After all that as well, she now says the she wouldn't consider us as "being involved" in December... after she would say all of those things lmao

Edited March 7, 2020 by JohnJ786

[Marc878]

She has chosen him. Not you. All the rest is BS.

Until you wake up you’ll stay in your hopium daze.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

She is far too immature for anything serious at this point in her life. It will probably be many more years until she gets there. Her fantasizing about marriage and children is merely the musing of a young girl who has no clue yet what those commitments really mean. 

By the time she has grown and experienced more of life, you two will both have moved on to other people. You will date other women, she will date other guys. The man she ultimately settles down with? It won't be you or her current boyfriend, man. Take it from those of us who have seen these dysfunctional cycles play out many times before. She isn't The One. 

Edited March 7, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[TeddyBundy1993]

You have any self respect left or no ? This girl has kept you on a hook for years. I mean how could you havent seen this ? Shes playing around and you let her. Come on you want a family with her ? Open your eyes you'll be stuck in this terrible cycle if you dont handle this by moving away from her. 

You cant handle her being not in your life is bulls*** we heartbroken men tell ourselves. Do yourself favour run away from this girl. She will do no good to you.  Most of us here are hurting bcz of our partners and most of us who are in no contact doesnt mean we dont love our partners at all we do but they are toxic for us and for ourselves so we decide to move on.

[schlumpy]

Please tell me that you actively dated during the times she put you on the shelf? Please tell me you didn't try to be friends and decided to wait.

If you keep this up you will lose years of your life jumping through her hoops.

You my friend is what is referred to as a placeholder. Your purpose is to amuse her until her next love interest comes along. She then puts you on the shelf where you happily sit while she test drives the new relationship. Once it fails, she love bombs you until you fall under the spell again. 

She is a manipulator and nothing special except in your head. You will waste much time with this woman when you could be pursuing someone worthy of your attention.

Do yourself a favor and flush her out of your life. Envision yourself a year from now in a healthy satisfying relationship where you are someone's priority and not an afterthought.