When a man feels unsure about relationship **Updated**

[Lotus_Luna]

I’ve been dating a divorced father for a little over two months. I’m his first post divorce relationship and he is the first guy I’ve been serious about since my split. 
 

We met through mutual friends and connected really well. Great communication, compatibility, and both wanted the same thing for our future. We agreed it was a fantastic foundation and we wanted to consciously build a good relationship.

 

Two weeks ago he started pulling back. I noticed he was more critical of my actions and less vulnerable. The last week he was in a serious accident and his EX pestered him about our relationship. 
 

Between doubt, the ex and his accident he feels confused about us. He doesn’t want to break up but he also feels it’s unfair he is having doubts. 
 

I don’t want to chase him. And I don’t want to push him into a choice. I think the best move is for me to end the relationship. It would remove the pressure he is feeling and give us both space to refocus. He seems really concerned about how we would blend our families and the impact on the kids. Which I think is his excuse to sabotage the relationship.

 

I’d appreciate any male insight or advice on how to handle this with maturity and respect. I am disappointed with the outcome of our relationship but I recognize I cannot care enough for both of us. 

Edited April 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

Have you ever heard the saying "if you're not sure, you're sure"?  Find yourself a guy who is sure.  The whole thing of "confused about us" but doesn't want to break up is just about keeping you in limbo while he decides what will go on with your life . . .

[Blind-Sided]

Well... since I'm kind of that guy... the first thing is... he needs to tell his ex to shove it, and to stop bothering him. But, since he isn't doing that... then you have to worry he is still holding feelings for his ex.

OK... with that out of the way... is there any specifics he has said about being unsure?   I get it from his side... I'm unsure too... but I haven't started a relationship with anyone because of that. But... I know if I would move forward with anyone... I wouldn't back out because of my ex.  If I had an accident... I would want someone around. So for me... that wouldn't be a point.   I guess for me, the only real thing would be the kids.  I have my kids the majority of the time, and since their mother isn't making their lives easy... I've been trying my best to make them comfortable.   SO... if I had a new GF pressuring me to just get a baby sitter so we could go out... that could be a problem since I don't need my kids to feel that dad has abandoned them also.

Anyway... a little more info could be helpful.

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, Redhead14 said:

Have you ever heard the saying "if you're not sure, you're sure"?  ..... . .

I tend to agree with that... assuming the "Unsure" is about the relationship itself.  if it's from external BS from people who don't care about him... it could be a good thing for her to be his anchor, and help him past.  

 

[Redhead14]

His anchor?????  Paleeze.  He hasn't committed to her in any way, shape or form, but she's supposed play the role of a a committed partner who supports him and grounds him while he deals with things that have nothing to do with her and none of her business?  She's being kept in limbo.  That's not good for anyone.  The guy needs to sh*t or get off the pot and not string her along.  If he isn't sure, he should man up and cut her lose.  Short of that, she needs to be a strong, grown, adult woman who doesn't put herself on hold for any man who is clearly not ready for another relationship. 

Edited March 7, 2020 by Redhead14

[Lotus_Luna]

9 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

His anchor?????  Paleeze.  She's being kept in limbo.  That's not good for anyone.  The guy needs to sh*t or get off the pot and not string her along.  If he isn't sure, he should man up and cut her lose.  Short of that, she needs to be a strong, grown, adult woman who doesn't put herself on hold for any man who is clearly not ready for another relationship. 

I’m not disagreeing. Considering everything has happened within a week I gave him space to process. We talked last night after a few days and I decided afterwards to end it. 
 

There hasn’t been games. He feels terrible it isn’t continuing with the same emotional momentum we started.

[Blind-Sided]

@Redhead14 Don't get me wrong... I agree it's not good to put her in the position... but since you like "Sayings"... how about... "A mile in his shoes"..?  A couple years ago, I would have said... Walk away. But now... I know that struggle. But then again... that's why I haven't committed to anyone.

[Redhead14]

Good for you.  You are your Number 1 priority in this case.  No commitment, no reassurance means you need to look out for YOU.  There are lots of guys out there who are in a better position at least to know what they want and to give you the right environment for exploring the possibility that you would be the one they want!

[Redhead14]

1 minute ago, Blind-Sided said:

.. that's why I haven't committed to anyone.

You haven't committed to anyone because you haven't met anyone who inspired you enough to do that . . . yet.  Plain and simple.

[Lotus_Luna]

I am not making him choose between his child and me. I know the boy and we have all spent time together. He is concerned if my children will reject him. Or is we as a unit are prepared to take on the child’s special needs.

I don’t think he has feelings for his ex, I think he is still grieving years later. She suddenly is taking responsibility for the divorce.
 

He expressed that things started so perfectly but over time he doesn’t feel he’s getting any deeper. It’s fun, we get along but he isn’t sure there is enough connection and he is pulling back. I cannot fix or solve this, which is why I need to remove myself.  

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

...

I don’t want to chase him. And I don’t want to push him into a choice. I think the best move is for me to end the relationship. It would remove the pressure he is feeling and give us both space to refocus. He seems really concerned about how we would blend our families and the impact on the kids. Which I think is his excuse to sabotage the relationship.

 

I think being concerned about blending families after only 2 months together is an excuse, even if he doesn't realize it.   Its way too soon to see if it will work or how to make it work.

[Lotus_Luna]

33 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I think being concerned about blending families after only 2 months together is an excuse, even if he doesn't realize it.   Its way too soon to see if it will work or how to make it work.

He wants more kids as well. And he is not sure if it’s possible with me... he had himself so worked up he cant think straight. He wants to he sure we are compatible but doesn’t know after two months. Then he wonders of we have enough passion and connection.

I asked him last night if I should just let it go, and he said he wasn’t even sure he wants that. 

 

 

[preraph]

I think he is still holding out hope for his ex.  I mean, after the accident, she came around and probably sympathetic for the first time in a year and now he's waffling.  It doesn't sound good.  He doesn't want to break up but he also doesn't want any commitment with you and that's what he was basically saying.  Usually newly divorced guys got to play the field and date around and all that and also still often have their strings pulled by the ex.  It's a mess.  

[Lotus_Luna]

31 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think he is still holding out hope for his ex.  I mean, after the accident, she came around and probably sympathetic for the first time in a year and now he's waffling.  It doesn't sound good.  He doesn't want to break up but he also doesn't want any commitment with you and that's what he was basically saying.  Usually newly divorced guys got to play the field and date around and all that and also still often have their strings pulled by the ex.  It's a mess.  

He’s been divorced for a few years. He didn’t say he missed his Ex. She basically harassed him into admitting he’s been dating me (we share some mutual friends but I don’t know her). He felt frustrated having her make a game out of it and he wasn’t ready for her to know. Our close friends do, his choice... but he knew once she got involved it would make everything feel like something’

 

as for commitment, he asked for us to be exclusive and he was pretty direct what he wanted. I think he was excited to connect after 10 plus years and then reality hit. 
 

Leap First, Look Later

[preraph]

Well, see, that's just the thing.  They've been divorced for a few years, and he still lets her basically call the shots.  It's like a 30 year old guy who still lets his mother tell him what to do.  I mean, of course, he's allowed to date, and if she can still pull his strings, it's just not a good environment for a girlfriend.  He doesn't want to make her mad!!  Why?  Because he still cares.

[snowboy91]

The kids thing is a complicating factor, but generally if a guy is unsure after 2 months it's never going to go well from there. 

6 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

 

Between doubt, the ex and his accident he feels confused about us. He doesn’t want to break up but he also feels it’s unfair he is having doubts. 
 

This sounds like guilt on his part. He feels it's unfair to have doubts, but either way you look at it the feelings just aren't there for him. 

[greymatter]

One thing I have learned from having relationships and dating is to not go forward if there are any doubts, on either side. He is not all in and that is enough of a reason to walk away. It sounds really disappointing and it must hurt. We have all been there. You may feel better about all of this if you are the one to walk away first. But either way, his doubts about the passion and connection are significant and should be paid attention to. He is being honest about his feelings and that is a good thing.

I'm sorry it's going this way for you.

[chillii]

The kids worry should be genuine and why have you even met him so soon anyway, and now you'll be gone,  This is exactly why people shouldn't be near the kids for at least 6-12 mths, especially if he's special needs even more importantly.

But apart from that , he could be talking himself out of it and emotionally too , l did it myself but l turned back around later and l'm just that thankful now that she gave me some time. and it could well be just a time thing for him, just sayin , first one is complicated with kids and ex's and accidents and blah blah.  On the other hand what everyone's saying might be right too, no one can know. But if your game why not just slow things down a little, give it a mth or two , see how it's going then. Maybe downhill , it's a gamble, but maybe he finds he's bearings too. 2mths is nothing and he's had a rough few wks . Just a suggestion.

Edited March 8, 2020 by chillii

[Lotus_Luna]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

The kids worry should be genuine and why have you even met him so soon anyway, and now you'll be gone,  This is exactly why people shouldn't be near the kids for at least 6-12 mths, especially if he's special needs even more importantly.

But apart from that , he could be talking himself out of it and emotionally too , l did it myself but l turned back around later and l'm just that thankful now that she gave me some time. and it could well be just a time thing for him, just sayin , first one is complicated with kids and ex's and accidents and blah blah.  On the other hand what everyone's saying might be right too, no one can know. But if your game why not just slow things down a little, give it a mth or two , see how it's going then. Maybe downhill , it's a gamble, but maybe he finds he's bearings too. 2mths is nothing and he's had a rough few wks . Just a suggestion.

We knew one another prior to dating. The kids are all friends and we’ve socialized in neutral settings. I wanted an opportunity for him and I to get a feel of what it would look like without any pressure. So we have done group playdates and activities where he and I engage the kids and just see how it feels. The kids have no idea we are dating or anything. 
 

Its confusing because we started with such a bang, not sexually but mentally and emotionally. We have great communication and we were on building trust. 
 

then...this...

[Fletch Lives]

20 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

I think he is still grieving years later. 
 

He expressed that things started so perfectly but over time he doesn’t feel he’s getting any deeper.

It sounds like he's on the rebound, not ready to love a new lady yet.

[Lotus_Luna]

11 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

It sounds like he's on the rebound, not ready to love a new lady yet.

Which is why I’m wondering if he actually ready for a relationship.

He has only had three relationships his whole life, so just being vulnerable is hard for him.

I think he wanted this in theory...but reality is scary

[carhill]

16 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

The kids thing is a complicating factor, but generally if a guy is unsure after 2 months it's never going to go well from there. 

Yep, LTR or more serious, likely not going to happen, especially if divorced that long and being apparently disconnected from spouse for a decade.

[Fletch Lives]

How long was his last relationship? And how long was he single up until her met you?

[smackie9]

Being that emotionally connected so fast so deep within a few weeks for knowing each other is a big red flag. It's almost a dependency, emotional over load. That isn't a proper foundation for a relaitonship. I know you and some will disagree on that, but there is healthy and unhealthy emotional connection. It's when you open up and share negative things that have happened to you, it will eventually start the landslide.

Edited March 8, 2020 by smackie9

[Lotus_Luna]

22 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

How long was his last relationship? And how long was he single up until her met you?

Was with her 8yrs or so. Divorced for over two, single since the divorce. Did not date or anything since the divorce.

When I met him he said he wasnt open to dating and decided a few weeks later he would like to try. Neither of us were expecting anything...