When a man feels unsure about relationship **Updated**

[Fletch Lives]

Okay, that timeline suggests he could be ready and over the rebound period, but everything you are telling me says otherwise.

Quote

When I met him he said he wasnt open to dating and decided a few weeks later he would like to try

 - not wanting to date = on the rebound.

changing his mind about means he is flaky = rebound.

[Lotus_Luna]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Being that emotionally connected so fast so deep within a few weeks for knowing each other is a big red flag. It's almost a dependency, emotional over load. That isn't a proper foundation for a relaitonship. I know you and some will disagree on that, but there is healthy and unhealthy emotional connection. It's when you open up and share negative things that have happened to you, it will eventually start the landslide.

I think its okay to be upfront and honest about what you are looking for in a relationship. We both really wanted to take our time to be thoughtful in how we were handling things. Sometimes you just really click with someone, romantic or plutonic. You still have to invest time and energy to build from there.

[Lotus_Luna]

I ended the relationship today

 

no drama, no big talk

 

he said it was feeling more like a friendship then romance... so nothing to be done there.

 

[chillii]

Ahh right  , well , that's just becoming way too much bs talk from him now, sorry it didn't happen , but l think you've done the right thing.

Edited March 8, 2020 by chillii

[Lotus_Luna]

2 minutes ago, chillii said:

Yep , too much bs talk from him , sorry it didn't happen , but l think you've done the right thing.

It was the right thing, absolutely... I think he was relieved...

 

Now I have to go through the break up motions which I absolutely hate. Feeling rejected, hurt, disappointed... blah blah blah

[chillii]

 

Yeah , damn , it's so disappointing all this crapola , they should make a pill .

Spoil you for awhile huh.

[preraph]

Sorry it didn't go the way you'd hoped.  I know it's disappointing, but you will one day be glad you didn't waste any more time on it.  

[Lotus_Luna]

10 minutes ago, preraph said:

Sorry it didn't go the way you'd hoped.  I know it's disappointing, but you will one day be glad you didn't waste any more time on it.  

It is what it is

he didnt want to waste my time either... it’s okay, I had a relationship where the roles were flipped. I really liked him but it wasn’t feeling ‘right’... so I understand 

[Lotus_Luna]

54 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Yeah , damn , it's so disappointing all this crapola , they should make a pill .

Spoil you for awhile huh.

I really don’t want to loose my ability to be vulnerable, but I see why people become jaded.. It takes a lot of courage.

[Lotus_Luna]

I broke up with the wonderful man I was seeing a month ago. I had discussed the situation here, he was worried we didn’t have enough chemistry. While I truly care for him I couldn’t agree to continue if he had doubts.

In the month following we are still in semi contact. He encourages me to come by and will ask about myself and my children. 
He’s given me gifts for the kids, loans me things if I ask, and we text at least once every day or have a conversation every fee days. 

I’m starting to wonder if he is either missing me or regretting the break up. I haven’t addressed it because of current situation are stressful, I’m focused on some personal issues... Is this normal behavior? Or are we both confused about what we want?

[schlumpy]

Something frightened him. Is he displaying baggage from past relationhips?

[Lotus_Luna]

27 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Something frightened him. Is he displaying baggage from past relationhips?

I was his first relationship after his divorce. It started with a bang, we both felt chemistry and compatibility.

The last week I could feel him pulling away. His ex wife, an accident and his doubts all came at once. I then decided to remove myself from the situation. He need time to heal physically and sort thru his trauma along with his ex wife’s drama. 

Edited April 11, 2020 by Lotus_Luna

[FMW]

2 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

missing me or regretting the break up

Maybe a little bit of both.  I would just say be careful.  Don't have any expectations, wait and see what happens.  I wouldn't trust that he's resolved whatever made him pull back from you earlier.  

[Lotus_Luna]

Thus far I’m keeping communication open. I’m not pressuring or bringing anything up. I just don’t want to leave space for a future if I’m misreading him. I feel he is trying to keep connection due to confusion on his part.
 

I have some personal goals I want to focus on. I refuse to be in any relationship until they’re achieved. 

[chillii]

But then so why were you bothering with him then ?

Anyway yep l agree he's confused . Negatives he's talked might be more of a looking for things and talking himself out of it bc really it's just a bad time , bit soon and blah blah blah.  You have stuff you wanna do he needs to clear his head and emotions , maybe if your ok with this new thing between you just for now , no harm, maybe with pressure off now so to speak , things develop up again when they're more ready later. Not saying they will but if your ok with that there's a maybe l think.

[Lotus_Luna]

I’m bothering because I really felt we had something worthwhile.

I’m okay with taking time. Either I will continue to reach my goals and fulfillment independently or maybe we can reconnect when timing is better. 
 

i do think timing was an issue

[Fletch Lives]

Try to find another man to date. I have a feeling if you continue to play with this guy, you will get rejected and hurt again.

[Lotus_Luna]

7 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Try to find another man to date. I have a feeling if you continue to play with this guy, you will get rejected and hurt again.

There are always more men... I’ve had multiple offers since our break up... just not really feeling like it...relationships are a lot of work and I don’t particularly feel like the effort with what I’ve seen. 

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

Thus far I’m keeping communication open. I’m not pressuring or bringing anything up. I just don’t want to leave space for a future if I’m misreading him. I feel he is trying to keep connection due to confusion on his part.
 

I have some personal goals I want to focus on. I refuse to be in any relationship until they’re achieved. 

Lotus, I think that's smart.  I wouldn't write him off just yet either, doing so is fear based and too many people are driven by fears and end up sabotaging what might turn out to be a beautiful long lasting relationship.

What I have learned is relationships have stages.

You're at the 2-3 month mark, at this stage, many men (and some women but mostly men) may experience a bit of uncertainty and ambivalence as they process their emotions and determine where they want things to go. 

It's all very normal imo, my long term boyfriends have all done the same more or less.

Don't freak out, just leave him be and allow him time and space to processes his emotions and decide where he wants things to go.

Do your own thing, which it sounds like you're doing  which is great!  

I applaud him for being so honest with you and communicating his confusion and ambivalence!

Many men don't do that, they just pull back leaving their girlfriends to think god only knows what!

He sounds like an awesome man Lotus, good luck and let us know what happens! xx

Edited April 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lotus_Luna]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Lotus, I think that's smart.  I wouldn't write him off just yet either, doing so is fear based and too many people are driven by fears and end up sabotaging what might turn out to be a beautiful long lasting relationship.

What I have learned is relationships have stages.

You're at the 2-3 month mark, at this stage, many men (and some women but mostly men) may experience a bit of uncertainty and ambivalence as they process their emotions and determine where they want things to go. 

It's all very normal imo, my long term boyfriends have all done the same more or less.

Don't freak out, just leave him be and allow him time and space to processes his emotions and decide where he wants things to go.

Do your own thing, which it sounds like you're doing  which is great!  

I applaud him for being so honest with you and communicating his confusion and ambivalence!

Many men don't do that, they just pull back leaving their girlfriends to think god only knows what!

He sounds like an awesome man Lotus, good luck and let us know what happens! xx

I really valued his maturity in handling this. Which is part of why I still miss him. We had a really healthy dynamic that allowed for open champion. 
 

I knew what we had was unique and I trusted that, I think it scared him. 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Lotus_Luna said:

I really valued his maturity in handling this. Which is part of why I still miss him. We had a really healthy dynamic that allowed for open champion. 
 

I knew what we had was unique and I trusted that, I think it scared him. 

Maybe it scared him Luna, maybe it didn't, time will tell. 

In any event, embrace the uncertainty and remain open and flexible to the changing nuances. 

Trust in the process and have faith things will work out the way they're meant to, try to detach from the outcome. 

That attitude has always worked really well for me in my relationships. 

That's not to say I didn't get hurt sometimes, and disappointed lots of times, but when you trust the process, and are able to remain detached from the outcome, taking it one day at a time, you'll be better able to manage those hurts and disappointments much more easily. 

Keep us posted!! xx

 

 

[Lotus_Luna]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Maybe it scared him Luna, maybe it didn't, time will tell. 

In any event, embrace the uncertainty and remain open and flexible to the changing nuances. 

Trust in the process and have faith things will work out the way they're meant to, try to detach from the outcome. 

That attitude has always worked really well for me in my relationships. 

That's not to say I didn't get hurt sometimes, and disappointed lots of times, but when you trust the process, and are able to remain detached from the outcome, taking it one day at a time, you'll be better able to manage those hurts and disappointments much more easily. 

Keep us posted!! xx

 

 

Another decent gentleman has recently asked me out and with the urging of my friends I agreed. Not super feeling it but he’s a good candidate. 
 

I’m trying to continue moving forward while not closing the door completely. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 3/7/2020 at 3:18 PM, Lotus_Luna said:

He wants more kids as well. And he is not sure if it’s possible with me... he had himself so worked up he cant think straight. He wants to he sure we are compatible but doesn’t know after two months. Then he wonders of we have enough passion and connection.

I asked him last night if I should just let it go, and he said he wasn’t even sure he wants that. 

 

 

HE wants, HE wants. Too bad what he wants...You do what you want. Don't wait around for someone to decide if he feels like being with you. Find somebody who can't keep his hands and mind off you.

Edited April 13, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[spiderowl]

On 4/13/2020 at 8:38 PM, CaliforniaGirl said:

HE wants, HE wants. Too bad what he wants...You do what you want. Don't wait around for someone to decide if he feels like being with you. Find somebody who can't keep his hands and mind off you.

I completely agree with this.  Women tend to do all the emotional work, try to be understanding, to allow for their partner's trauma, stress, confusion, etc.  He does not feel what he should be feeling for you.  You deserve more than that.  Leave him to his confusion and let him worry about where he is now.  You could be meeting someone wonderful who knows he wants you.

[Blind-Sided]

4 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I completely agree with this.  Women tend to do all the emotional work, try to be understanding, to allow for their partner's trauma, stress, confusion, etc.  ....

And that's why women are natural "Mothers".  (and thank God for that)

With my new GF... she is so caring, and always worried about how I feel. We were txt'ing, and she said... "I feel that I upset you".  Once we were face to face... I told her, that I was upset... but only because she was right.  LOL.   I really think I was deprived of that "Caring" with my exW... at lease at the end. (at one time she did care)

@Lotus_Luna I'm sorry it didn't work out with the original guy.  Maybe it will turn into a good friendship?  I know that I was only able to make it through my divorce because I did have a few very good female friends who cared for my well being.