Self-hate and despair after breakup

[ber2]

Hey,

So 2 months ago I got dumped by this girl, actually I got dumped 3 times in a row, amazing right? We went back and forth seeing each other 3 times in total, I was the one who changed her mind about seeing each other after every date even though she having said she wasn't feeling enough to continue after every single date, I know I should have just seen what kind of mess I tangled myself up in, but I´m too stubborn by nature.. I think I can always make things work in the end no matter what it is, I've been like this my whole life.

On the second date we ended up having sex, however we drank alot of alcohol, and I found out she started drinking at a young age... a whole bottle of wine when she was just 12 years old, and she enjoys going to clubs, and party etc, which made me assume that she does this probably quite frequently? Two days later when I asked her to meet up again she said she wasn't feeling enough to continue.

I called her up right away and spoke to her about the whole situation, we went too fast and should have taken more time to get comfortable together without alcohol,  I said this the first time we met as well, because the same thing happened, but no sex. She has a tendency to be very direct and decisive. She changed her mind and wanted to meet up again a third time. I went over to her place the next week. However this time she acted different, she was warm and open the first 20 minutes on the way to her place, we kissed etc.

But as soon as we came into the apartment she changed attitude, went cold and distant, body language was different, as she was trying to avoid me. I kept my cool, I guess I should have pointed it out whats going on, but I didn´t. I was trying to flirt with her, give her attention that didn´t have any effect, etc, but her attitude made me nervous and I started feeling weird about the whole thing so I started being like her as the evening progressed. We ended up watching a couple of movies. I took the initative to kiss her again later, she didn´t reciprocate any of the kisses I gave her in the apartment by the way, and I asked her am I being too forward or too fast, she said she couldn´t have sex because of her period.

I guess that was just a way to reject me, I don´t know to be honest. Doesn´t matter anyway. Perhaps the whole thing was a test to see if I was able to spark any feelings for her? I´ve been going through this over, and over, every detail, and I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I´m slowly going insane and need some sort of therapy. I developed some heavy feelings for her, I guess it´s love, one sided.. I think about her all the time. I called her up two weeks ago telling her about this, and what she said was she didn´t want me to feel sad. She told me she wanted more of a flirty and easy-going flowing atmosphere.

Obviously she had enough of me so I just wished her a good evening and that was it. What troubles me the most is that I feel like I could have maybe made it work between us it if I wasn't feeling so stressed and nervous that evening, the whole process of me taking the train for 2 hours etc and her being a wall sort of made me feel like I was on some mission I had to succeed on and win her over. It was just too heavy to lift on my own. Now I still have the urge to contact her again and talk things over, but I know that´s going too far, and it would turn me into a creep... 

I just can´t let the thought go of that it was my fault, if I could have just been more open and easy going. I have started hating myself after this and thinking there is something wrong with me. I have trouble being intimate on the first date and have sex etc, why does everything have to happen right away, at least give it a couple of dates and give them a chance to develop into something?

It feels like all the dates I´ve been on have been like this, either it´s kiss and sex + perfect amazing chemistry on the first date or it´s goodbyes right away. Perhaps I need some therapy, I don´t know if I´m right in my head anymore. Seriously.

Edited March 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[kendahke]

2 hours ago, ber2 said:

I´m too stubborn by nature.. I think I can always make things work in the end no matter what it is,

I feel like I could have maybe made it work between us it if I wasn't feeling so stressed and nervous that evening, the whole process of me taking the train for 2 hours etc and her being a wall sort of made me feel like I was on some mission I had to succeed on and win her over.

I still have the urge to contact her again and talk things over,

Timing is everything.

When you lack "critical mass"---that energy which will tip a situation or event in your favor without a complete exhaustive expenditure of energy on your part--things will fall apart. No matter how good you think your intentions are or how badly you want something, the timing isn't right and no matter how much you try, it's not going to come together.

The timing isn't right with this particular girl. She's got an alcohol problem--which may be her self medicating to avoid unpleasantness--and she needs to get a handle on her drinking before she can be of any good to anyone else.

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she was warm and open the first 20 minutes on the way to her place, we kissed etc. But as soon as we came into the apartment she changed attitude, went cold and distant, body language was different, as she was trying to avoid me.

That most likely was because:

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I called her up right away and spoke to her about the whole situation, we went too fast and should have taken more time to get comfortable together without alcohol, 

Her interest may have been fueled by the alcohol.  It's said to remove inhibitions--so being sober for her, her inhibitions were on blast.

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I have trouble being intimate on the first date and have sex etc, why does everything have to happen right away, at least give it a couple of dates and give them a chance to develop into something? It feels like all the dates I´ve been on have been like this, either it´s kiss and sex + perfect amazing chemistry on the first date

In the future, pay close attention to how much alcohol your dates seem to ingest. Try to screen better to eliminate drinkers so that this hurdle isn't waiting in the path for you.

And stop beating yourself up.  You didn't know that you had to check for alcohol problems first to eliminate the problem of relationships not developing satisfactorily.

It's all trial and error.  Bait the hook and drop it back into the water in a different fishing spot.  You may reel in a keeper if you do.

[scooby-philly]

18 hours ago, kendahke said:

Timing is everything.

When you lack "critical mass"---that energy which will tip a situation or event in your favor without a complete exhaustive expenditure of energy on your part--things will fall apart. No matter how good you think your intentions are or how badly you want something, the timing isn't right and no matter how much you try, it's not going to come together.

The timing isn't right with this particular girl. She's got an alcohol problem--which may be her self medicating to avoid unpleasantness--and she needs to get a handle on her drinking before she can be of any good to anyone else.

That most likely was because:

Her interest may have been fueled by the alcohol.  It's said to remove inhibitions--so being sober for her, her inhibitions were on blast.

In the future, pay close attention to how much alcohol your dates seem to ingest. Try to screen better to eliminate drinkers so that this hurdle isn't waiting in the path for you.

And stop beating yourself up.  You didn't know that you had to check for alcohol problems first to eliminate the problem of relationships not developing satisfactorily.

It's all trial and error.  Bait the hook and drop it back into the water in a different fishing spot.  You may reel in a keeper if you do.

@ber2  - Sorry to hear about your misfortune. @kendahke makes several great points, which I highlighted. 

1. You cannot force something where the timing does not work out in your favor. It happens all of the time - alcoholism, drug addiction, family issues, money issues, job issues/moves, etc. As much as we dream of "helping" others in those times, the majority of those situations do not work out for the "helper". Hollywood and social media make us think there's a chance in those types of situations. In reality, they rarely work out. And it's not just "bad times" or really "bad things". Sometimes other factors present roadblocks that, no matter what you do/say, no matter how good you are to the person, you get hurt in the end. My last ex and I had a major age gap. Now, the older you get the less of a problem that presents - as long as it's withing reason. But as the older party it was on me to judge her "maturity" and her availability (emotionally, psychologically, etc.) for something real and long-term. She spent close to two years saying "I love you", "I want something real", etc., but she grew up sheltered, shamed, and babied by her parents, whom she still lives with. Combine that with low self-esteem, no sense of how to just live her life and be comfortable with who she is and what she wants, nothing I could have done would have changed the long-term outcome. Combine all of that with the fact that I stayed around, foolishly, after several episodes of her threatening abandonment and yeah, I got hurt in the end and while I was broken, the recovery process has helped me uncover and start addressing several things I need to address before i can settle into something real and lasting.
2. More specifically for you, it's a lesson learned about alcohol and also how the first month to three months of dating should go. Unless you happen to be good friends with the person for a long time (I mean years!!!) - the first month to three you should both be on your best behavior. Okay, if you got out to a club towards the end of the end of the second month and you both get sloshed because you were having fun (not because one or both of you need alcohol as a dependency) that's one thing. But first 5-10 dates - if someone gets drunk the other person needs to stay sober and also not take advantage. And the first couple of dates should not involve heavy drinking anyway. And clubs/bars are not places to get to know each other. My rule - first and second date - coffee/lunch/dinner. Second or third date(depending on schedules and how the first date went it could be the second date if #1 went fantastically - like best date ever!) do something fun - hiking, mini-golf, bowling, ice skating, - stuff where you get to still talk and interact but also see what they are like in another setting. No movie for first 2-3 dates and then no movies from dates 4-10 unless you combine it with something else like a meal or another activity (movies do not let you talk, so that's obviously not a good place for "get to know you".)
3. As far as beating yourself up - you're not to blame for her problem nor are you her savior and nor should you feel that crushed after just a few dates. If you find yourself to be the type of person that falls easily for someone it might be worth it to do some introspection, meditation, therapy, and/or long talks with a female best-friend or two about it and get others' perspectives. Don't beat yourself up and use this as a lesson moving forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to leave this one be, OP. She is not interested and you're not really listening. 

Sometimes there just isn't the right chemistry between two people. It can't be forced. She tried to tell you a couple times that she wasn't feeling it for you, yet seemed to relent when you pressured her. It wasn't a test; it was her not really having the courage to stand her ground and hurt your feelings by saying "no" again. 

I get the impression you get overwhelmed by your feelings and have a hard time keeping perspective in the early stages. You're declaring love for a girl you still don't know that well, and that is going to make many women uneasy. It puts too much pressure on the situation. Try to take a deep breath. Figure out why you attach yourself so deeply, so early on, to the extent that you won't take the hint when someone is trying to tell you it isn't working for them. To me, your continued pursuit of her is less about you being stubborn and more about you being insecure and measuring your value by how much the object of your affection reciprocates. That's something that can certainly be explored in therapy, should you go that route. It would help you understand why you have a hard time letting go, and avoid such situations in the future. 

[preraph]

It kind of sounds like you are persistent because it has worked for you, maybe growing up as a boy, with maybe your parents or something.  That doesn't work with women.  Once they are not interested or attracted, either one, you can't convince them otherwise because they have no obligation to try to please you and they have their own operable brains.  It might have worked on Mom to keep hounding her for something you wanted, or something like that, but this isn't a skill that carries you into adulthood.  You need to start taking seriously what a woman says and does and just leave when she's no really reciprocating.  Some young women yes might have a little trouble saying no, but why would you want to persist with someone who is not interested and on top of that, too scared to say no flat out?  Makes no sense.  Waste of your time and resources.  Pay attention to the women who spontaneously show you attention and don't ever try to force it.  I know you mean no harm, but it's only you it's hurting and wasting your own time.  

[ber2]

Thanks so much for all the responses, it actually helped me getting some perspective on the whole situation. I feel as if all this dating from Tinder has made me more insecure about myself, I´ve been on 8 dates so far, and this one was the only that went anywhere so I guess there was some sort of desperation that I acted on to make it work due to some underlying pressure that I have to find a partner and how time consuming it is to actually find someone to even go on a date with to begin with, once you find that person you´re actually interested in, stress kicks in telling me that I have to perform and succeed. Reaching 30 in a month and I don´t see how I´ll ever be able to meet someone in my current life situation, I´d have to quit my job and switch career completely, even reroute my whole life in order to start meeting women whatsoever, and to change my career and life just to meet women doesn´t feel right either, but then again, what are the alternatives. Sort of a trap I´ve gotten myself into. A big one.

How do people meet each other these days anyway? Just walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation? Taking courses hoping the right person is there?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you feel you have change careers to meet women? 

[ber2]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why do you feel you have change careers to meet women? 

I´m not sure how otherwise, I hear thats how people meet each other normally. I´m a freelancer so I work from home running my own business, I don´t get to meet any people whatsoever through work. My friends have their own families etc so they don´t do the club/party thing anymore. Maybe I´m making it more difficult than it has to be, I just feel so clueless about the whole thing. Drives me crazy thinking about it since I would like to have a family someday but I guess the harsh reality is everyone doesn´t get to have that due to different circumstances and choices made throughout life. I can do the best out of my situation, I´m not sure how though.

[scooby-philly]

@ber2 - Find some groups on meetup or the internet that share a passion for your hobbies. Get out there and just do things you enjoy or want to try and see what happens!

[JTSW]

You went on 3 dates and she told you from the start that she wasn't feeling it.

But you continued to push her.

You didn't listen. She was not interested.

It has nothing to do with your career.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/10/2020 at 2:38 AM, scooby-philly said:

@ber2 - Find some groups on meetup or the internet that share a passion for your hobbies. Get out there and just do things you enjoy or want to try and see what happens!

I agree with this advice. 

OP, it's true that some people meet their partners at work, but many do not. Every single one of my boyfriends - past and present - has not been a colleague or even remotely in the same field. 

Once you cultivate more of a social life and engage with a wider group of people, you will naturally open up more opportunities to meet someone. Changing your entire career is completely unnecessary.