A canyon in our marriage

[FireToAsh]

I feel so unhappy and dissatisfied in our marriage. My wife has no interest in touching let alone having sex, making date nights.I have done date lunches or afternoon getaways just walking in the woods (2 of us) or biking because she refuses to leave our 11 and 8 year old with anyone but her nephew who is now 18 and has little interest or need for the pocket money he got. She has never done anything. She complains if I leave the closet door open! Or feel like she does everything around the house. She no longer works, complains about not working, not knowing what she wants to do, bored at home but wont look for work or attend any groups I found where like minded women may meet to discuss ideas. So she bakes, does laundry and pretty much that's it. She's not overly busy. I'm working all day, I do the post supper washing up, make kids lunches. Weekends I vacuum and clean the house, bathrooms etc. The smallest things like sushi (her favorite) surprises or flowers or the fact that I make and write my own valentine, birthday cards to her are met with a smile. In return I get a card with a signature and a box of chocolate. 

[preraph]

So is she doing the cooking and taxiing the children around and grocery shopping and clothes shopping for the children? It does sound like you do a lot but there's a lot to do that you didn't mention. 

 

She's lost any desire to have sex apparently. It isn't all that rare when women get wrapped up in motherhood. 

 

I'm sure anything that you do trying to get her in the mood is probably just garnering resentment because it's probably that apparent. If it stays that way forever, you'll just have to decide if it's enough to make you leave. It's very frustrating when someone complains that they're bored but won't do anything about it I realize. She could get a job. She may just think it's going to make life harder and she would possibly need to hire child care. 

 

Maybe she's just still mulling all this stuff over. You really can't control what she does. All you can do is keep up your end of it and see what she decides to do or decide to do something yourself. 

 

It's possible you need marriage counseling but when the six goes marriage counseling certainly isn't a magic wand to bring that back but it's effective sometimes on other issues. Good luck.

[FireToAsh]

You are right about grocery shopping and ferrying kids around. Our youngest (8 year old daughter) is driven to school; yes she could take the bus but wont. 11 year old son walks to school. This is because I have epilepsy not under control and cannot drive. I do cook at weekends. Fortunately most meals during the week are between 1-2 hours of its something she likes else half hour.

I agree that I cannot control what she does, how she feels or what she thinks. I try to do my but and more by doing more around the house recognizing her house work. I support her to make her choice and she sometimes talks about work and then I give her ideas and she'll recoil about not pressuring her.

I have suggested marriage counseling but she is too proud to do anything about it. We have arguments and disagreements like other. We have had fights (very few- not kidding but less than 10 in 13 years of marriage). I once said in an intense fight that we should just divorce and she started crying and saying "no". I know two things that keep this marriage together; her dependance on me financially and having partners (not seperated) for our children (I do feel the same). I often feel she wants to be alone, single and would be happy to divorce if we didn't have children.

She said in the past that she married me because she felt sorry for me (needy). Then she got fed up with that sometime after our children (couple of years). She got connected through friends on facebook with a guy who had a crush on her. I discovered photos of her in lingerie and naked and "lust/passionate chats" on her phone (I was not snooping but found them when she needed a recipe). I forgave her. Years later another fight resulted in me saying, sincerely, that "I dont need her" but "I want her". But to no avail.

Where do I go from here? I cant even bother to argue or fight now because I am losing interest. She will smile and laugh but this is not a marriage and now I find it difficult to open up to her emotionally. I never have but I did when I met her because I trusted her. When I look back to our relationship I dont think she has ever opened up. She wanted to "fix me" using a shoulder,  an ear or pleasing me sexually. The purpose of this relationship has dried up for her. In many ways she has always been about helping me. If I try to help her then she hates it because it makes her think and feel that she could be weak and helpless. So where do I go from here?

She hates weak people, especially men; her father was abusive. She was so hard on our son if he showed signs of weakness but expects our daughter to be tough. She does love them and is a great mother.

But I really don't know where I go from here. I do feel that I am ready to leave her once my daughter is an adult. 😪

[preraph]

She definitely needs to go to marriage counseling. I don't know why she won't consider it. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. thing is if you decide you are real unhappy and you think you can be happier unmarried, you don't need her permission to get divorced. I agree she's probably just financially dependent on you and of course doesn't want to hurt the kids. but even if you divorce you will end up having to pay her child support. So I'm not sure whether it's better or worse financially for you whether you stay or go. I'm guessing it would be a little worse because you need two homes. 

 

It sounds like she needs wants to be the one who fixes you and isn't comfortable when you try to advise her or help her in those ways. I've always read that for people who don't like to take advice, and yet keep complaining they're unhappy one way or the other, but instead of trying to advise her, you should just ask her, So what are you going to do about it? put her on the spot to come up with a solution for herself. Make her responsible for that. Because she's just taking your offers to help and advice as pressure, so just take the pressure off and ask her what is her plan to fix it. See if it changes the conversation any if you do that a few times. 

 

 

[FireToAsh]

I thought of that. Asking rather than dictating. I have read a lot about relationships. She is currently listening to all these youtube videos about happiness and abundance etc. I am genuinely open to anything but think this is just (woo hoo, as her best friend would call it) all noise and style and no substance. Most of it also focuses on money.

She likes to explain all this to anyone she finds unhappy. In the moment they feel inspired and she gets a kick out of it. I have asked her whether she would like to teach, manage etc. On this field or business (she knows about business too). Later the recipient of her teachings does nothing with it. 

Like you said, be direct. Done! Several times. Now all I can do is wait. But as time goes by so does my passion and desire for this marriage. I feel alone and want someone to open up to, chat, laugh, share interests with, be myself. I have so much more to say. Thanks for your time and suggestions. It helps having someone to "chat" to make you think and unfurl your emotions. I moved from UK to canada so have no friends to chat with. Hopefully chat again and to anyone else who has ideas or just to be online company. BTW this is my first day on here so would be great to hear from others. Thx.

[schlumpy]

I think you have good understanding about your marriage situation. At least I felt your points were clear, concise and to the point. Something has been lost over the years between the two of you and you can't reconnect. Your marriage is hollow and mechanical with only habit, ritual and fear of life after divorce the main binding force.

I'm assuming you are a UK citizen? Is she also a UK citizen? If so, could she be missing the UK? I understand that moving to Canada is not like moving to Iraq but there can be differences that influence your psychology. As an example the personal space required by a North Americans is larger then for a European and can raise your anxiety level depending on your country of origin.

Before you do anything you should insist that she get a thorough medical examine and the doctor should have knowledge of the change in her personality and sexual desire. 

If that comes back clean then I agree with your assessment that your wife wants out. I don't know why she wants out but she gives every indication that she does.

Marriage counseling is your choice if you want to keep what you have. If not, then you should start planning your exit. I realize that may entail waiting till the kids are out.

I'm sorry for your situation. Life is much tougher for those of us that have a conscience.

[d0nnivain]

She sounds depressed.   

 

[usa1ah]

Sounds like you need a divorce lawyer. 
 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Stop anything doing with trying to get her to choose you. 
 

You messed up when she cheated on you. Should have kicked her out on her backside. 
 

Let her know she needs to find a job sooner rather than later. 
 

Up to you if you stay or not. She is more then likely cheating on you still. She proved she has a sex drive when you caught her cheating.