An ex after 20 years.

[Anna_T]

Hi there,

I wanted to post something that I have in my head as it´s always good to have other people´s perspective.

In my 20s I was with someone for 5 years. That ended. He ended it, then he came back and I ended it. We were going in different directions.

In the time imbetween then and now, 20 years, we have both had serious relationships.

In the last 10 years we have seen each other maybe 5 times. We don´t live in the same city, but if we are we try and meet up.

Neither of us is in a serious relationship. Interestingly the reasons we split up, because we were going in different directions have changed as we seem to have a more parrallel life. 

I will be in his city for a couple of days at the beginning of Easter. I texted him and we´re going to see each other one day. 

I dont know whether to mention that I still feel something for him.

I think I never stopped. He is the one I compare all my partners to (in my head).

Whenever we do meet, there is always the initial few seconds of intake of breath of - wow you still look good - on both sides and then we just get down to chatting.

Should I expect that if it´s meant to be then it will develop naturally, or does it need a kick start?

Our communication isnt fluid. He texts me on the holidays to wish me a happy Christmas, or if he sees something I might like, like a course, or an image but not very often. I dont really text him, very occasionally. So we probably exchange 3 texts a year.

Any thoughts anyone might have will be appreciated.

Thanks

.

 

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, Anna_T said:

Should I expect that if it´s meant to be then it will develop naturally, or does it need a kick start?

Our communication isnt fluid.

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

Let things develop organically without you prodding anything along. For it to work out the way you want it to, he has to come to this of his own volition, not because you've laid down an unspoken expectation he's required to meet. 

If it's meant to be, you two will pick up like you haven't missed a beat.

[Anna_T]

you are right. Thanks. It makes sense.

[JTSW]

If it was meant to be it would've happened a long time ago.

[schlumpy]

The timing is right. Twenty years will change the person you knew as well as yourself.

Make sure your interest isn't generated by lack of other options, nostalgia, or the desire for a child. If it's one thing humans do well aside from shaping the environment to our needs, it's to rationalize a decision that is really not in our best interest but will satisfy an emotional part of our personality.

I suggest you take your time and allow things to gather strength at their own pace. Hold off on sex for awhile until you have a solid emotional connection.  

[Youngbess]

You have NOTHING to lose, just to try. But...! Come to it with a  fresh perspective. Don't think this is the guy you've known for decades; treat it as if it were someone NEW that you may want to date. Allow yourself to flirt, be funny, be cute, encourage little moments of connection. Bring something NEW to this old friendship. If he's receptive, you're gonna see it in his eyes because there will be a sparkle and he will flirt back, and he'll probably be very pleasantly surprised with this side of you that he doesn't even remember. 

Just because you were together in the past and it didn't pan out, it doesn't mean that you can't tackle it from a fresher, newer, better, more mature perspective...and have a completely NEW and DIFFERENT relationship with the SAME person. It can happen. 

Best of luck!