Breakups are tough

[Ivxample]

Going to jump straight in and give you my situation. 

Been in a long term relationship for 3 years. Part of that time was an affair. We both met when we were married. I had kids. She had none.

It was a very emotionally and physically connected relationship. Part of that was the fact it was an affair. We knew we were doing wrong but we also couldn't stop. After the first 6 months of being together my affair partner realised she had lost feelings for her husband and decided to separate. I was still in my marriage, primarily because of the kids. But at this point I was gradually falling in love with the OW. She eventually divorced but remained committed to me and to our relationship. I never gave false promises on leaving my family to be in a committed relationship with her. She was happy giving me whatever time I could afford. We grew extremely close and were both happy.

Then a curve ball. I secured a new job out of town. I made the decision to move my family to explore the new opportunity. The OW was heartbroken but with her blessing, said I had to do what was going to make me and my family happy. As I prepared for the move, we started discussing the possibility of her potentially exploring opportunities to move to the new town. It was a long shot but she was open to it. As it turns out she found a great job there and decided to move to the new town. I was ecstatic but knew that this decision would likely end my marriage. And it did.

I made the tough and heartbreaking decision to leave my wife and kids. It was the best decision all round and in fact, as a family we are in a much better place. My wife is amazing and an incredible mother but we saw the benefits of going our separate ways.

Then the OW moved over for her new job. She supported me through the breakup. But as she settled in to her new place she was struggling to juggle our relationship with her new life. She was still engaged but wasn't in a great headspace. She hadn't grieved her marriage, her parents died and I wasn't there in a full partner capacity to help support her through because I was still in my marriage. She asked for some space but always kept coming back. She explained that she can't think of living without me, she loves me deeply but to be the best she can be for me, she has to have time to herself to heal and find her way back. We tried breaking up for a few months and failed. Recently we mutually agreed its the best path forward and committed to the break up.

We are now in no contact. It's all very new and I think about her every day. I am struggling with it. I don't want to be with my wife as we are closer than we ever have been - ironically just as co parents. But I am devastated that my girlfriend now wants to move on.

Does No Contact get easier? I feel this cloud over me where I obsess over the OW, wonder what she is doing, who she is with and how to get her back. But there is also the logical part of me that understands I need to grow a pair and realise my marriage and relationship both failed and now need to move on. Any recommendations on how to manage this? 

[d0nnivain]

NC becomes the norm.  That makes it easier.  

[Supernova11]

On 3/8/2020 at 5:27 PM, d0nnivain said:

NC becomes the norm.  That makes it easier.  

Totally. If you look at the majority of the posts in the breakup section, its because people havent kept with no contact that they are posting. If you do no contact properly which is get rid of phone numbers, block on facebook etc  and then part 2 of no contact which is work on yourself, self care, self focus, you will get over it eventually. Dont go back to your ex. Its like opening an old wound, it will never heal if you keep playing with it.

And....watch mouth of the ape videos on youtube. The guy went through a brutal breakup and has great advice. You can always sound off here. Better sound off here than get back in contact with your ex. Honestly, I was with this guy recently for only a few months and I ended it, but I still have to see him at work. You are *lucky* you can cut contact completely. You were alive before you met this girl and you will live afterwards and believe it or not relationships are not the be all and end all of life. You have kids and now a better relationship with your wife. These are definitely things you can be grateful for. And if you dont have any interests, this is the time to find out what makes you tick, sports, music, travel - its a big world, much bigger than one person (our ex). 

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

Sorry for your loss and your pain. I was in a 2 yr relationship that ended almost 7 months ago. First two months were hell for me. Got better for a month or so, then the holidays hit. Got better for two weeks, then had a major "relapse" over MLK weekend in January. Got better. Had a bad weekend 3-4 weeks ago, back on the wagon now, though almost every day I cry or even if I don't, I know it's back there and I could do it pretty easy. Part of my recovery has been learning my patterns, discovering how I enable people to treat me than less than I'm worth, and part of it has been unpacking years or a lifetime worth of things. So...at this point, the pain/sadness isn't really about the last ex, and more just about my life and many choices I made along the way and realizing I can make better, smarter choices, and realize I can do what I want and pursue my dreams and wants.

NC does get better. I've found emailing myself very helpful. Many people like to journal. If you don't like to write, even a simply bullet point list separated into 5 things: your qualities, your accomplishments, your goals, the traits of your ideal partner, and problems your ex (or exes) had and why it wouldn't work out. That can help ground you and also can help spur thoughts. Obviously finding a good friend or two - people you can open your emotions to, be vulnerable with, and who will support you but also call b.s. when necessary

Right now - I'm torn - 1/3 of me wants to just continue to wallow and purge the emotions, 1/3 of me wants to meet someone and try again, and 1/3 of me just wants to get out there and do ME. The first third will lessen, I hope, over the next few months so I will be more like a 50/50 split - hopefully maybe a 75/25 split - doing me and still keeping an eye open for someone to share my life. with. It's a balancing act as we get older. But it's worth it.

And of course, using a forum like this can help you as well.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Yes no contact makes it easy but initial stage is very difficult first 2 months if you ask me.  Urge to contact your ex is bats*** crazy, you want to check her Facebook and what's she upto. Slowly it happens and we can live without it. It's like detoxing. Sad to say memories never dies. They remind you what you had and then comes these dreams where you dream of your ex. It's like universe doesnt want you to forget it. 

But eventually we learn to live without them and pain lessen as time passes by.  Theres no shortcut out of this pain but we should see this as light at the end of tunnel sort of a thing. Plus you have a double loss. Can feel you, must be lonely as hell right now. But hang in there. Have faith and deal it with patience. Good luck