anonyme Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Hi, My 10 months old bf just told me that if we ever move in together that he's expecting to sleep in a separate bed, once in a while. I don't have nothing against the fact that he wants time for himself during the day or if he wants to sleep alone when he's really tired or sick but I'm not sure I see myself sleeping in two different bedrooms for the rest of our lifes. I know he loves me and we're arguing rarely. I asked him what does he mean by ''once in a while'' because for me, there's not even a reason to mention it if it's only ''once in a while''... It's just a normal thing! After bugging him to jknow what he really meant by ''once in a while'' he finally told me that it's really hard for him to tell me but he would say something like 33%. Is it me or is it normal to ask myself some questions? We're both young (I'm 23 & he's 25) and to me, it just sound like a grand-parents thing... Right now, he's working and he's studying a lot so we rarely sleep with each other during the week since he starts at 7am and he's not coming back before 10h30pm and it's fine with me, I understand but in the long run, I'm kind of expecting a little more if you know what I mean... Am I doing a big deal out of nothing? I'm not too sure what to think anymore...
SMURFETTES Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 I had the same problem, glad to know I'm not alone... Can't really give you any advice though (
BigB Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Did he give a reason why he wants to sleep alone so much?
hooghie Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I'd like to know why he made a point of telling you this and why it's so important to him. I don't think it's a big deal though considering all of the other issues a couple can have. Sometimes, it's nice to have the entire bed all to yourself- you may want that too
europimp Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Some people occasionally may want some time alone; some people may have habits they don't want to have some people know about, though at 10 months into the relationship I'd doubt that. I was thinking perhaps once in awhile he wants to just spend a night watching football and drinking beer, belching and passing gas to his heart's content and not wanting you to have to be around that. Maybe once in awhile he wants to sprawl and take up a whole bed, perhaps that gives him satisfaction of some sort once in awhile. Bad reasons, I know, but they're the best I can come up with. He may just enjoy being alone once in awhile, it can be kind of intimidating to think of having to be out working/studying from 7 am til 10:30 pm and then coming home to someone who you're living with and being expected to do things, or have some fun in bed every night after that much work. Maybe he's worried about getting actual rest. You said that this would only be "if you ever moved in together," making it seem like there's no intent of this happening all that soon. If you have time before this ever happens, perhaps enough time for his schedule to be more accomodating to alone time, he'll change his mind. Or maybe, in this time you could help him change his mind subtly. This doesn't seem to be all that urgent of an issue, timewise, so my advise would be to just focus on the relationship that you have now. As long as you two are getting along with each other well, you're having fun together, and you're devoted to each other, everything's going A-O.K. I know that I absolutely love my time alone, such as now, where I can just be on the web and surf and listen to Cake and relax with a coke. I would be a bit nervous about sharing all my alone time with someone after being busy 15 hours out of the day. I hope something I said made sense or helped you in some way, and if the situation isn't the way I'm picturing it then sorry for wasting your time; but I hope that everything works out for the best. -Euro
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Don't read anything into it. There will be times when work, illness for both of you, stress, or just needing a good nights rest alone happens. There isn't any reason to get upset about this right now. Wait and see how it goes when you guy move in together.
sexiibabee Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 he may just be saying that to see your reaction but he may not even be sure if he is or would. i agree with the other posts and just wait it out. whether he has his own bed or not there'll be many a times that he'll come to you and just want to cuddle or something. this would be the type of situation where he'd have to come to you. but the best thing to do is wait til you move in together. heck, even when my boyfriend of 9 months is mad at me and doesn't want to be near me he still sleeps next to me and if i attempted not to it'd be a serious gesture coming from me. everyone is different.
Tamrick Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Have you told him what you want? You need to discuss this because although in his head it may be nothing, it is bothering you and that in itself can cause conflict later on. See if you can find out his reasons for it and then if you could perhaps compromise so that you are both happy. 33% of the time would be too much for me, but perhaps it isn't so bad for another couple. You need to work out what is best for BOTH of you.
kitkat826 Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 I sometimes don't sleep to well when I'm in bed with someone. Perhaps he feels bad about telling you that he can't get a good nights rest when with you. I would ask him about it.
anonyme Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Thank you all for your advises... Well, I spoke to him and he told me that he just likes to be alone once in a while and that he has trouble sleeping with other people... Apparently, it's not just me, the problem was there before... Like I said, I don't mind him sleeping in another bedroom once in a while but one night out of three, it's different... I really did thought about it and I don't think I could be happy in this relationship in the long run... I though about giving it a try but if we move in together in let's say 6 months (when he'll be done with school) and we still have the same problem, I won't have anyone to be angry at except for myself since I knew it way before... and then, we'll be stuck in the same appartment for the time of the lease both being unhappy... ( We both do things on our own and I think its just a normal healthy thing... I think that what the problem really is is that since the beginning, I'm always the one who did compromises and everything. Lately (last 3 weeks) we had a bunch of stupid little fights and all of the time, I'm the one who finally said ok, you're right since it was just little things and I didn't want us fighting over such stupid stuff... This week-end though, I realised that little things adds up and it takes effort from both part in the relationship... Unfortunately, I'm not sure he's willing to do any effort (for example, he could have told me something like: we'll try sleeping together for a month (after he's done with his school) and see if I can get use to it) or you know something that shows a little commitments and a desire to work thing through from both side... Right now, I feel like if I'm the only one who's trying to work things out and I don't like it...
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I know what you mean. In my previous long term relationships, I was used to sleeping with my boyfriend nearly every night. However, in my current relationship, he doesn't like to sleep with me because he says he can't get a good night's sleep. His dad and step mom slept in separate bedrooms, and he envisions himself doing that too. I just wouldn't be able to deal with that long term. He does come over and spend the night on weekends. He, like your boyfriend, said the problem existed before he met me. He's just a light sleeper who wakes up all the time when lying next to someone. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. There are just guys (and girls too, surely) who prefer to sleep alone.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I think you are looking for trouble here. Are you saying that the relationship could not workout if you don't sleep in the same room all the time??? Don't put a time limit on it, I mean, things could be great! And you guys can still have sex, cuddle etc...Those nights he needs afew nights to himself, take advantage of it and know you will get a good nights sleep.
kewllady123 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 OMG, this is like deja vu or something. You're not going to like this, but this exact same thing happened to my best friend. She moved in with a guy she was dating, and he wanted to have a separate room too. Well, he told her that it was because he sometimes was up late watching tv, and didn't want to disturb her, and she believed it too, until one day, she thought she'd surprise him and clean up his room and do his laundry and stuff, and he had "you know what" stains all over the sheets in his bed. Not only that, but there were hairs on the pillow that weren't his!!! They weren't hers either because they always "did it" in her room. :eek: She confronted him about it, and it turns out that he was just using her for rent, and that he was dating other girls on the side and telling them that she was just his roommate. You better confront him about this, or else it might happen to you too!
Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 ....but it can turn into big issues later. A friend of mine told me that his ex used to make him sleep in a different room. She was unconfortable with his snoring so she booted him out. He was a bit hurt and it turned into a wedge in their relationship. There are some things you should be on the same page about in a relationship. Sleeping arrangements is definitely one of them. I'd say if he wants to sleep in a diff room to make sure it's in a diff apartment
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